Disappointed in DH and can’t get past it

[Tonkabeanfizz]

Namechanged. Been with DH for decades. 2 teenage kids.

We met very young. Thanks to a combination of very hard work, some luck, and canny decision making, I sold my business just after we got married, which meant I could spend several years raising kids and retraining to follow a different career path at the same time.

The ‘deal’ with DH at the time was very much that I had passed the baton, so to speak. The intention was that he’d progress in his field, earn more as the years passed and whilst the expectation was never that he’d bring in what I did from the business sale, that with our savings, his higher income, and my (now lesser/unreliable income), we would always be comfortable. Trouble is, it hasn’t worked out like that. His career/income hasn’t really progressed over the past decade and we are left with hardly any savings now.

Just tonight, I’ve learned he didn’t apply for a work promotion that he may have been in with a chance for. He says that he ‘probably wouldn’t have got it’ and ‘didn’t want the stress’ and I feel so angry. I do everything for us, I’m always striving - but it feels like Dh is happy to just coast, even though I am stressed about our financial future, and I resent it massively.

With the business sale, we could buy a house and live quite well as a family - certainly not flashy - but the odd nice holiday, days out, activities etc. Now we have barely any savings left, and are having to make quite significant changes to our lifestyle etc.

I feel like this is the final straw in all the recent years of disappointment. It’s always felt like he promised something he’s never delivered and while this situation isn’t all entirely his fault (though a lot of it IS!), I just resent how it now feels like he’s given up trying altogether.

anyone else been in a similar position?

I could have written your post!

I'll pop back on tomorrow and write more but yes 100% same position.

I’m curious what business you could have sold in your early 20s that allowed you to be out of work and have a great lifestyle until now. It may be that what was around 20 years ago is not possible now, rather than your DH has changed dramatically.

@needtonamechangeagain - thanks and interested to hear.

@LadyWithLapdog - typed a whole reply but somehow lost it! Point is, I retrained and qualified while raising the kids and now my income is increasing - though still less than before and quite unreliable. This was always the plan and I am working enormously hard to earn more and gain seniority in my new field.

DH on the other hand, doesn’t seem to care much about what he brings to the table - and I am beginning to massively resent it.

You mention how “this was always the plan”, but a plan you made when very young may have been unrealistic and not work now. It sounds like your DP isn’t as driven as you or as you thought.

Either he's not as ambitious as you are, or he's quite comfortable in letting you run the show and be the provider. In my case it was the latter and I too resented it massively. He needs to change so give him a good kick up the arse. If he doesn't the resentment will grow and it's then you'll be thinking you'd be better off without him. I certainly was!!

@LadyWithLapdog - it’s not like I’m holding him to his ambition at 25, but every relatively recent conversations (within the past 5 years) - ‘by this time, I aim to be in x position and earning y’ - haven’t remotely played out.

@Gamezup - he’s not as ambitious as me, certainly not now, and I wouldn’t mind that if he’d always been clear this was how it was going to be. Instead he very much predicted that he’d be in a far ‘better’ place on the career front by now. He’s not, but he’s very happy to drain the savings I brought to the table though.

So if he's happy to drain your savings he's happy for things to continue just as they are! Question is though, are you? Sounds as if you'll be doing this for a long time yet unless YOU act.

I can see why you are frustrated, but equally I can see his side. I've deliberately not gone for a few promotions over the years because I couldn't cooe with the extra long hours and stress it would bring.

Is it worth going to counselling? It doesn't feel like it should be an irreconcilable difference, is he a good DF and DH otherwise?

Same here. All I asked of my H was that he stayed in work while I did my degree. I was always the bread winner. I didn't care what work, stacking shelves at Sainsburys would do but throughout the three years he just messed about and kept getting sacked every 5 minutes.
This meant I had to work full time nights and do Mt degree during the day.
I got a 2:1 somehow with no sleep and went on to earn a lot more.
Then I asked him if he wanted to do a career degree but he'd rather mess about and have .ultiple hobbies at my expense so we're divorced now. I dont want to spend my life with someone who has no interest in his families welfare.

It sounds like your current set up isn't playing to either of your strengths.

You're getting frustrated with him because he's not ambitious enough, and he's probably in a pickle as he doesn't want to be promoted into a higher paid, probably more stressful job. I think you need to sit down and re evaluate what you can do. Can your dh take more of a caring role at home and you go for the higher paid job? You're obviously business savvy and could build up your business if he was more home focused.

I was always the higher paid party, but it got to the stage that I just don't want the stress any longer, so I took a more junior role and my dh took over the batton.

@Gamezup - no I’m not very happy tbh. I thought we’d always be comfortable and might even be able to help the kids financially a bit later on - if nothing changes significantly, then this will be impossible. I am now doing my best to work as hard as possible, earn more and take every single opportunity going. It’s stressful but I don’t mind, I do it for us. What feels really upsetting is that DH had an opportunity and he threw it away. It’s not the first time.

@rookiemere - hmmm. This is definitely causing a big issue between us, I feel so resentful. He’s not great at discussing his feelings - plus we couldn’t really afford counselling right now! 😫

This.
Your plan was totally unreliable.

What are you both earning and how much more of a salary increase is required?

If he's on a rubbish wage, I can see your point. But if he's on a reasonable amount (like >£40k per year) maybe he feels that's enough?

I'm thinking things must be pretty tight if you can't afford counselling.

In a long term relationship it is possible that ‘the plan’ in your mind was not the same plan in his, unless you have been especially good at communicating about this with each other over the years.

Couples counselling may not be as expensive as you think as they will often take people at reduced rates. If you want to invest in your future I would recommend this or else you risk building further resentment and damage to the relationship.

Also I'm wondering how he has 'drained your savings' ??

If you've had to live off of savings then your budget for every day spending is not working.

Some people cope well with stress, and others don't. I don't. Going for a promotion to earn £5-10k per year would require me to work say many extra hours per week and travel. It's not worth it to me as I earn a decent income doing what I do at my current level.

Perhaps your DH feels like this ?

Oh and we both earn well, but unless I get an inheritance it's unlikely we will have money to give to DS. We have prioritised paying off the mortgage and putting into our pensions. If you've given your DCs a good work ethic then that's going to help them more than money.

I get it. I think your plan was a bit of a strange one but I totally get that you don't feel supported. My guess is that you both still had some growing up to do when you met and that neither of you knew yourselves or each other that well.

I wonder if he really understood the plan tbh, or saw it the way you did. I also feel not all is lost. If you were that young there is still time.

A friend who has stayed with her partner despite big stresses and changes recommended the book Rapport - she read it with her partner as kind of DIY counselling. Maybe give something like that a go?

Sounds like it was your plan but not your dh’s.

some people aren’t good in management positions, they don’t work well under stress and the extra money isn’t worth it.
just because you’re ambitious doesn’t mean your husband is either.

This book rapport

@IsThereABarUpThere - well, yeah, life is unreliable and who knows what’s around the corner etc - but DH was broadly on a trajectory, or so he seemed to think, repeatedly telling me what his estimated position and earnings would be by certain stages in our life. Maybe I’m a fool for ‘believing’ him, yes, but it feels really disappointing - and this last thing of not going for a promotion (when two months ago he said he was going to) seems like the final straw.

There's a lot of bile being poured on your DH here which may be reinforcing your views. However, what exactly has he done wrong? It sounds as though you think he hasn't been ambitious enough at work. Newsflash! People's aspirations change as they grow older, especially when they have children and caring commitments, and no longer wish to commit 60 hours a week to an office that doesn't really care whether it's them there or someone else. I will also point out that your own decisions are as much responsible for the running down of your savings. You must have spent them on joint lifestyle spending, as you do not say DH has a problem overspending. You say the savings have gone over ten years, so you have perhaps not been financially savvy as a couple. Perhaps DH could have worked harder, but assuming he was going to make it big time and make vast sums was youthful naivety. It hasn't panned out that way so if you love him get over it and make a budget.

My situation is I met a man who was travelling globally earning well in our 20s.

So was I, we met married and had 2 babies, at which point he'd been made redundant twice, he's eaten into our savings on 4 occasions now with redundancy and I've worked and grown a business no maternity leave, no break, non stop.

We are now late 40s and his career stalled about 5/6 years ago, he doesn't earn enough for me to change career or take a break, it's killing me im exhausted with two teenagers, a business and the joy of some health issues.

He sits there with his crappy wage and defends it saying "it's stability" but I don't want stability I want you to earn more to allow me to change career. He won't take promotions and I feel that's it.

I'm not talking about retirement I'm talking doing a masters and doing 5+ more years to save for retirement and pay off the mortgage.

The resentment when he moans about the kids or housework etc he's WFH when I'm a million miles an hour, I'm seething and I don't love him forthis at all.

I'm seeing solicitors as I'd like to know what position I'm in to leave. I'm done I'm so so done with not having a team mate.

It's like running a relay race trying to hand the baton and you team mates keep dropping it or running off!!

So I 100% know the feelings you have, the resentment the seathing, the disappointment the shock that they clearly don't care and the worry about the rest of your life with this person.

Not trying to be a turd. Just think your head needs a wobble. Your options are to work on it together to make a new plan for the future that is more realistic, and make a budget, leave him, which will make you poorer - or look for a rich man to save you and start an affair. I jest about the last option, but write it down to highlight that option one is your best one if you love your DH.

Peoples plans and ambition change and saying in your 20s I want to be earning 80k doesn't mean it happens! There is no point going for a promotion for a job likely to hate that's just miserable, also it comes off in interviews!

It sounds like he has re-evaluated that extra money isn't worth the stress and potential implications that involves.

My work had a recent promotion available I had several colleagues try to get me to apply but the maths didn't work out after tax to be worth the added hours and stress despite on paper it seeming like a good step up.