Disappointed in DH and can’t get past it

[Tonkabeanfizz]

Namechanged. Been with DH for decades. 2 teenage kids.

We met very young. Thanks to a combination of very hard work, some luck, and canny decision making, I sold my business just after we got married, which meant I could spend several years raising kids and retraining to follow a different career path at the same time.

The ‘deal’ with DH at the time was very much that I had passed the baton, so to speak. The intention was that he’d progress in his field, earn more as the years passed and whilst the expectation was never that he’d bring in what I did from the business sale, that with our savings, his higher income, and my (now lesser/unreliable income), we would always be comfortable. Trouble is, it hasn’t worked out like that. His career/income hasn’t really progressed over the past decade and we are left with hardly any savings now.

Just tonight, I’ve learned he didn’t apply for a work promotion that he may have been in with a chance for. He says that he ‘probably wouldn’t have got it’ and ‘didn’t want the stress’ and I feel so angry. I do everything for us, I’m always striving - but it feels like Dh is happy to just coast, even though I am stressed about our financial future, and I resent it massively.

With the business sale, we could buy a house and live quite well as a family - certainly not flashy - but the odd nice holiday, days out, activities etc. Now we have barely any savings left, and are having to make quite significant changes to our lifestyle etc.

I feel like this is the final straw in all the recent years of disappointment. It’s always felt like he promised something he’s never delivered and while this situation isn’t all entirely his fault (though a lot of it IS!), I just resent how it now feels like he’s given up trying altogether.

anyone else been in a similar position?

@angeltulips and @MrLbz - think you're both quite wrong. I certainly didn't just do what I wanted to do - we made decisions jointly and I continue to attempt to do so, but it can be hard if DH changes his mind 'I'm going to go for a promotion that will bring in X more', but then two months later, he changes his mind about doing that.

Equally, those years ago when we had babies and toddlers, guess what? DH didn't want to stay at home with them, he wanted to progress his career. So again, we made the joint decision that I would do the lion's share of childcare whilst also retraining. If this thread proves anything, it's that women can't really seem to win!

Your DH sounds like a coaster.

but are you really honestly saying you didn’t want to stay home with kids and would have preferred to keep working? Fine if so, but it’s also fine if that was a joint decision you made for both your benefits.

But my general point I don’t think you get to hold the fact you made some money over a decade ago over his head now. Address what he’s not doing now rather than dwelling on your contribution from the past.

do you think you really are good at making joint decisions? It doesn’t sound like it on the face of it. Does your DH really engage in those discussions? Something is off based on your posts that you’ll need to remedy.

I'd say it's a brutal reminder of the sacrifices a woman makes in a relationship for the sake of having children, and the trouble caused by not recognising and valuing it. Happy to live the life her savings affords them, not so happy to do the work required to make that lifestyle sustainable

Obviously I can only speak from experience but both my OH and me are quite ambitious, not necessarily just in climbing the ladder at work but ambitious in terms of the type of lifestyle and opportunities we want and are prepared to make sacrifices to get there (we have side businesses and work together to try and make a better future for ourselves and our children). It wouldn't work if one of us was a coaster because it requires sacrifice from both parties (in our case).

Is it? She has contributed more than her fair share by the sound of it, she is not expecting him to take care of her, far from it. I honestly don't know how you have come to that conclusion.

Agreed. Not mutually exclusive with my comment.

He sound like someone who talks the talk but never walks the walk.

But is it laziness, lack of drive or is he just not capable?

I wouldn’t rely on anyone financially and have pushed my own career heavily over my adult life but not everyone is driven.

Does he even know who he is/what he wants from life or is he just saying these things because he feels he should? Or is he totally unaware that he is not capable of doing the roles he talks about?

Ive just caught up on the posts. I think OP that you are at a point in this debate where you have to think about what you want to do about it. You can carry on with the resentment, or you can let it go. Holding a resentment can be like holding a little fire on the inside. It warms you in an uncomfortable way, but the danger is that it spreads and engulfs you. Bad metaphor, but unless you want to dump this man, or to see the marriage deteriorate further, you have to let it go and budget in the future based on today's actual income. Or the fire may engulf you. It's okay to feel as you do, but do you want it to be a wall that gets ever bigger between you and your husband? I still say you have to talk about it, scale back expectations of each other and then budget for the future based on today's reality. Good luck! I'm out now. I've given my two pennies and hungry for lunch!

Tonkabeanfizz

Sorry if this has already been said but I'm not going to wade through many posts of 'your DH is a slacker' etc.

Have you thought that his current position is down to being knocked back so many times from trying for the promotions and his self confidence is at an all time low?

(This bit is not your fault and posted as he might perceive it)
And that you seemingly getting on with achieving goals is also not helping his confidence?

Posters have already said about counselling but talk to him and have an honest and caring conversation, not just centred around you but about how he feels.
Because it sounds to me like he is struggling.

Where did I say it was abusive? I said he was a dud.

I suspect his sex is contributing to his mindset.

Genuinely can't imagine a scenario where whether my partner goes for or gets promotions is something I should have any say in. I don't consider my career his business either. I would never pressure him to take promotions he didn't want to, and I wouldn't stand for it coming the other way.

I thought I was super-ambitious in my 20s but like many, many people I know, once you see what climbing the ladder all the way to the top entails, you change your mind. It's not lying, it's just changing your mind. People are entitled to do that.

Planning based on future income without a backup is also unfathomable to me. Future increases in income and promotions aren't even guaranteed if you ARE ambitious and driven. And I've known more than one high-flyer who lost their income overnight due to various factors.

The point of being a partnership is you stick with each other regardless of the above.

This.

I'd still be interested in the numbers here. A business sold 10 years ago that provided savings and a house deposit.
10 years of salary is a lot of money.
What is the difference between your DH earnings and yours?

I still suspect that you both had unrealistic ideas about how long the money would last.

OP,
If you can't afford professional counselling I'd recommend a few free good couples podcasts/psychotherapy podcasts.

Furst two both on Spotify and perhaps other platforms

Feeling Good- Dr David Burns. The most recent episodes, last 2 years, imo the best. I frequently smile while listening.

DrPsychmom - Samantha Rodham - straight talking, a bit irritating East Coast US accented voice but very punchy and insightful.

Al Turtle - Not a podcast but an excellent free couples resource and has a series of great interviews here

Also, although you are chasing money and security right now (which is understandable), I found you often l
achieve more serenity by slowing your life down and accepting things as the universe is. It is not a straight path but a winding one with many regressions in my experience.

Sounds like your partner is a coaster and he isn’t ambitious. Nothing wrong with that in and of itself but clearly not your cup of tea!

I think sometimes we have to either accept people the way they are or alternatively we let them go. He isn’t going to suddenly become the ambitious grafter you want- that’s not what happens.

Is it worth leaving him over? Only you know.

This is sad to read

It sounds like you are very different people and however hard you try, you can’t force him to be like you. You’ve said he doesn’t manage stress well so promotion is maybe not right for him

You cannot try and hold him to something that he agreed decades ago. And keep putting pressure on him won’t help, it sounds like he tells you what you want to hear for a quiet life

i think it’s time to ask yourself, if you can’t accept him the way he is, is it time to move on?

@spookehtooth and @MrLbz - are you actually saying I'm not happy to do the work to make our life affordable?! The reason we HAVE the life we currently do is, in part, thanks to my hard work. If I'd had a crystal ball all those years ago I would have kept on doing what I did. I wouldn't have minded AT ALL being the higher earner if DH wanted to work part time and do more domestic stuff, that would have been fine. But he didn't want to do that. The problem is that I am the one who tries to accommodate, make things work, and plan for the future - it doesn't feel fair that it's all on me.

Also, for all the posters who say one can't bank on a career trajectory - well, not one hundred percent, no - however, there are very realistic expectations across most professions. If you've trained as a lawyer or doctor, realistically - you would expect to be on a higher salary than a teacher or a nurse, say. You expect your earnings to increase with number of years of experience. Equally, if you stay in the same field, in a normal economy, one would expect a salary to increase over a period of 5-10 years, even for exactly the same role. That's what wage growth is.

Finally, for those saying 'well, my partner's career is entirely their business' - really? Do most of us not put our families and the responsibilities that come with that pretty high up on the list of our priorities? If you are in a partnership, you plan for the future together - that is what a relationship is, not 'both people do exactly as they please at all times'.

There are some really helpful posts on here about emotions surrounding this and what it means for our relationship and what I should think about. But it seems that there are quite a few silly posts about careers and income and what a partnership should be....!

OP, I'm back. Just ignore the judgmental stuff or where there are intrusive questions about money or the wider relationship. It's just trolling and you should never feed the trolls! Good luck and talk to your DH!

@bonzaitree - really, if my DH had been more clear/realistic (or, if one was being unkind, more hardworking and ambitious), then we wouldn't be in this position. We weren't totally stupid - we have quite a few friends who earn masses (think lawyers and city types) - never for a second did I think or hope DH would reach those earning levels. That's simply not him or his industry, and that is totally fine.

What I am not fine about is - 'my salary isn't quite at market rates but that's okay because we have savings', then 'my salary will increase', then 'here's a promotion that will bring xxx more to our household that I'm in the running for,' then 'no I don't want to do it' etc etc.

@Fahbeep - thank you so much. Your posts have been extremely helpful and insightful - many thanks again.

@Tonkabeanfizz maybe I phrased it badly. I meant it the other way around, that you have done a lot and while you've had to take a back seat work-wise for the sake of children he's been content to maintain the lifestyle using your savings instead of improving his earnings to make it sustainable.

I might cut him some slack if he was careful with money, and advocating cutting back to make the savings go further, but he's done quite the opposite and living a life without making a fair contribution. Not doing so is failing to value your role in providing children by aiming to make up the difference for what you had to sacrifice to have children

@spookehtooth - thanks. I misunderstood you I think and agree. It is exactly this - it just seems very imbalanced.

You resent your DH for not being as wealthy as he 'promised' (foolish promise to both give and believe). If you want a high-earner's lifestyle, then become a high earner. You did it once, perhaps you can do it again. Don't count on someone else to fund your life for you.

Also, I notice that you have avoided actually saying how much he earns, possibly because you know many posters would consider it plenty?

Kudos to both of you. That is a lot of dedication. If I was in another field perhaps I would be more like my dh. However if I was to progress in my line of work it would involve a lot of deadlines and working late at the end of each month. For me it's not worth sacrificing my family time for a few extra pounds.