Disappointed in DH and can’t get past it

[Tonkabeanfizz]

Namechanged. Been with DH for decades. 2 teenage kids.

We met very young. Thanks to a combination of very hard work, some luck, and canny decision making, I sold my business just after we got married, which meant I could spend several years raising kids and retraining to follow a different career path at the same time.

The ‘deal’ with DH at the time was very much that I had passed the baton, so to speak. The intention was that he’d progress in his field, earn more as the years passed and whilst the expectation was never that he’d bring in what I did from the business sale, that with our savings, his higher income, and my (now lesser/unreliable income), we would always be comfortable. Trouble is, it hasn’t worked out like that. His career/income hasn’t really progressed over the past decade and we are left with hardly any savings now.

Just tonight, I’ve learned he didn’t apply for a work promotion that he may have been in with a chance for. He says that he ‘probably wouldn’t have got it’ and ‘didn’t want the stress’ and I feel so angry. I do everything for us, I’m always striving - but it feels like Dh is happy to just coast, even though I am stressed about our financial future, and I resent it massively.

With the business sale, we could buy a house and live quite well as a family - certainly not flashy - but the odd nice holiday, days out, activities etc. Now we have barely any savings left, and are having to make quite significant changes to our lifestyle etc.

I feel like this is the final straw in all the recent years of disappointment. It’s always felt like he promised something he’s never delivered and while this situation isn’t all entirely his fault (though a lot of it IS!), I just resent how it now feels like he’s given up trying altogether.

anyone else been in a similar position?

I'm confused - did you buy a house when you sold the business? If so then surely you're mortgage free and going to be pretty comfortable on two wages even if yours is unreliable? If not then why on earth not?? Did you plan just to live off those savings from the age you had your children and your DH become a high earner for the next 30/40 years? How long had you been working before you decided to hand the baton over? How long did you expect your OH to carry the baton for? I mean that all sounds like a great plan for you....

Maybe he didn't apply for the promotion because he knew he wouldn't get it and is too embarrassed to say so.
It would help if you gave us a rough idea of what level he is at - office junior, team leader, middle management ?

I sympathise, when you have been with someone from a young age it’s important to have these conversations and plan together. I think you have a right to feel disappointed. It doesn’t have to be about money but in a marriage both people should be committed to the success of the family.

My situation is different but it has some crossover. We both had well paying jobs but my husband quit due to mental health problems. After a long struggle and difficult time he has built his own business and loves his job. The problem is that the earning is low and I became the default bread winner. I have had to stay strong and committed otherwise financially we wouldn’t have survived. The reality is I want my husband to be healthy and happy over earning lots of money. However ideally I would rather have a more resilient partner who earnt well. During his struggles I supported him but there were times when I had to push him. For example feeling depressed but not seeking help is not acceptable in my book and we would have split up. Thankfully he got counselling and medication and slowly worked to change his circumstances.

The reality is I do kind of resent being the resilient strong one in the relationship but at the same time I feel lucky I don’t have mental health problems.

I think the difference is how much you feel your partner is trying. Sounds like to me he is happy to let you take all the burden and live off your success. That’s not ok.

Sorry if I have missed this OP but, taking away the finance/work situation completely, how are things? Does your DH provide emotionally, do you enjoy each other? Is he a good husband and father?
I think a lot of us can sit back now and think, well damn, that didn't work out quite as planned when I was twenty one!
We all make sacrifices too, some of us more than others but, and many, many of us are working currently to make ends meet. Your children aren't going to look back when they're older and think..well, Mum and Dad didn't provide like they should have, they're going to look back and think yeah, Mum and Dad were a team, they showed us what love is, what a good relationship looks like...
Your DP can only be who he is, we're not all high fliers, we're not all capable of it and beyond that, we don't all want it. There's a work life balance, and it doesn't sound like like your husband is a cocklodger, sitting around all day doing nothing.. he is working, he is providing, just not to the level you expect nor want. And sadly, that's on you and your list of priorities now. Not what both your priorities were twenty years ago...people change, priorities change. Some just want peace of mind, over more superficial, material things..

This.

My intention was always to shoot up the ladder and all my supervisors/mentors predicted that.

But a few years in I realised I didn't want (nor could handle) the extra work, responsibility or stress.

I landed a middling job which is absolutely perfect, WFH 99% of the time, flexible working, stability, not a bad wage, virtually zero stress and aged 45, I fully intend to stay put till retirement. Yes there are material wants that I don't have, but it's better for my mental health and for my life overall.

The extra money from going up into more senior roles is zero incentive when I know the cost to my life and health would be greater.

Perhaps it was a bit unrealistic to make plans based on potential future earnings - life rarely follows a smooth path like that. Maybe your husband isn't comfortable with the responsibilities and workload that comes with a promotion? My ex was promoted to managerial level but hated it so much he quit and went back to what he was doing before.

@Fahbeep - definitely didn’t have ridiculous aspirations that he’d suddenly hit the big time! It was considered decisions surrounding buying property/mortgages/me retraining when kids were young etc - much of which was underpinned by DH’s assurance that ‘in 2 years/5 years/10 years I will most likely be in this position’. Obviously I might be stupid for trusting him, and nothing in this life is a given - but it feels annoying that not only has much not worked out that way, it seems he’s not trying to improve our situation even when the opportunity to do so is there.

@Hufflypuffly123 I'm very similar to you, except my job has more stress than I'd like as they insist on getting me to work at the next grade unpaid ( it's complicated).

The litmus test for me is if DH is subsidising my choices and I don't think he is . We live in a bigger house than I would if on my own and ironically my defined benefits pension currently looks like it might bring more in than the huge amounts poured into DHs private one because if downturn in the markets and poor investment decisions.

@Hufflypuffly123 and @Scottishskifun - I do get it. Work isn’t everything but now I’m running myself ragged trying to get us to a better place and plan for the future. But I’ve already brought masses ‘to the table’, so to speak, I only retrained because DH and I thought it would be safe for me to do so. I enabled his career (or so I thought) doing the lion’s share of childcare when kids were young.
He’s in a position now where earning enough to secure our future a bit is within his reach - it will be much harder for me, and I really resent it. He is making a choice.

Did you buy a house OP, or did you spend the money on retraining and being at home more? Not sure I understand.

I think you just don't share the same aspirations and your plan isn't his plan. I don't think it's unusual to get to the point where children are now teens and more independent , get out of the parenting fog and reevaluate what's going on . It's unrealistic to think that aspirations, and values stay the same for someone despite growing older, having children, experiencing work etc. I'm not sure how you can make it better unless you communicate and come to an understanding , but it can't be all about what you want.

It’s not stupidity trusting him, it’s stupidity thinking he could predict the future, he said he wouldn’t have got the job anyway, so this tells you he’s simply not as capable and it’s not as easy as young him thought, you both sound unrealistic. But you more so, because you think being able to predict the future is an actual thing.

To put a different spin on it... Was this "always the plan?". Or was it always YOUR plan? You sound a bit like my SIL who I feel is always striving for more but never quite satisfied - and perhaps your DH's priorities aren't the same as yours. (I think I'm probably more like your DH).

Maybe he'd happily trade off a less stressful job for less money. Maybe the things you spent the savings on are less important to him than they are to you and he'd have been happy without them. Maybe he has some genuine self esteem issues which have prevented him from 'going for it' and feeling like he's disappointed you over the years has picky compounded this. Or maybe that's not his character, and had you both had your more dynamic character, there may have been more clashes your marriage. Maybe he's a more laidback person and this was one of the things which attracted you to him. You can't have it all! I'm sure there's benefits to his character.

But ultimately if you feel constantly disappointed then let him go. It's no way for either of you to live.

@Tonkabeanfizz as others have said counselling is cheaper than divorce.

It does sound as if DH has been future faking, so it's important to understand why and get a clear picture of how he sees his actual career future- not what he said it would be. To me - based on what you've said - the most important thing is why he hasn't progressed- and that may be much easier to discuss with a professional.

Thanks for replying. I'm going to challenge you again, but from a place of respect. You say that your DH's assurance was that he was "most likely" going to achieve x, y, and z by certain milestones. Two points. First, "most likely" stated age 20 something isn't a bomb proof promise, so YABU to reinterpret it 10 years later as a cast iron guarantee. It's a best estimate recognising that there is a risk it might not play out that way. Secondly, 99% of ambitious 20 something man overestimate what they will achieve in their careers (and have midlife crisis later to reconcile themselves to their "failure", ending in an adjustment of expectations and desires from life). And woman are also not immune to setting too ambitious life goals that they don't hit for one reason or another (not through laziness or lack of effort). YANBU to feel disappointment, Lord knows I do in my own marriage, but YABU to put it all on DH and to fix blame on him. I think you need to talk to him, express your feelings, but then discuss the fact that you need to budget and be clear what you think the next 10-20 years look like financially. What's gone is gone, and you cannot recover the money you have spent jointly over the last ten years.

@Itham - both.

A few have asked how he is as a DH. He doesn’t manage stress well and the past few years haven’t been easy for a whole host of reasons, not just the money/career stuff. He is quite grumpy and while I’m sure many on here will say I put him under pressure, I really do my best to be supportive to him - but I don’t feel emotionally supported by him on many levels these days.

Historically we used to be quite a good team. He’s generally a good dad (though the core of the kids lives and their well-being seems to fall to me 🙄) - he is great in the house with stuff like cooking and diy so that is lovely I know.

I know people have worse problems in their relationships and set ups but I guess it just feels imbalanced. I feel like I did all the groundwork in setting us up with a lovely life, but he hasn’t done very much to try to preserve it.

I would also point out that you are entering an age that is commonly the most financially draining for people with families. Mortgages, cars, holidays, dependants, not to mention inflation at the moment. I too feel the squeeze. It's not what I expected or wanted in my early forties. I have had similar disagreements with my OH to the one you are having, but at least in your case he is working and has done solidly. He just isn't earning as much as you thought he would (which is true for me and my OH too 🫤).

This!

@Fahbeep - thanks again and you make some very good points. One thing though - DH’s reassurances aren’t just historic - of course I wouldn’t be holding him to things he said in his twenties!

It’s the repeated ‘say one thing, do another’ over many years that is upsetting. Two years ago he was looking for a new job where he very confidently told me what the ballpark income would be - it didn’t happen. He ended up taking a new role where the salary was less with the reassurance it would increase within a year. It didn’t. I rolled with all this - but then three months ago he told me he was in with a chance of quite a significant promotion. Last night he told me it wasn’t happening - while he knows I am pretty sick with stress about our future.

The promotion wasn’t a given, of course - but if I’d had a chance at something that would really benefit our family financially, and three months to really fight for it internally, I’d try my absolute hardest to make it happen. It doesn’t seem like DH did and I find this so upsetting.

It sounds like you both drained the savings, though, instead of investing them or securing them in bricks and mortar? You spent them on staying at home with children and retraining, then together you funded a lifestyle your salaries couldn’t afford. And now you resent that the money is gone and you have to cut your cloth. But that’s fairly standard for everyone except billionaires: you have some money, you make a choice about it – get a house, or zhoozh your lifestyle, or take time out of work – and then it’s gone. Why is it all your DH’s fault? It’s also fairly normal when in your 20s to be full of vim about climbing the career ladder, but then it becomes clear when you get the view from about halfway up that actually reaching the top isn’t really worth the trade off against your health and sanity and free time. I’d love to see his perspective on the plan and being “passed the baton”.

Sorry OP, but he sounds ok. You are married to a steady worker who is good with the kids and is great around the house, cooks, does DIY etc.

He isn't as driven as you, but perhaps that may be a good thing for your family.

It sounds to me like he could definitely be trying harder. I have experienced the constant grumpiness and it’s not fun. With my DH I made it clear that he had to improve his situation or we were splitting.

@spitefulandbadgrammar - no we did buy a house and were pretty careful with the remainder of the savings, using them to help pay the mortgage and save on childcare while the kids were young and i retrained. My income took a big hit when we did so, but we thought that this would be okay - that DH’s income would increase over time and we would stop using savings to cover some of the mortgage and some essential house renovations.

Now rates have gone up, and if don’t change, we may find ourselves in a position where we simply can’t afford the house any longer, and this breaks my heart.

I think you are being unreasonable.

You seemed to have mapped out somebody else's life and expect them to perform to meet your standards.

Your partner sounds like he is less ambitious than you are and is happy to have a steady job he enjoys rather than climb the ladder. There is nothing wrong with that.

Your kids are teenagers now so I am not clear as to why you can't get yourself a job that gives you the additional money you want instead of expecting your partner to just keep bringing in more money...

It is also bizarre to expect that everything in life will turn out as you planned when you were very young. It doesn't work like that.

So this tells me that he is actually trying for promotions, and is taking chances to improve salary, but maybe isn't getting the best career advice or making the best decisions about lateral moves. I'm not going to say it's evidence he can't make it, or that he is in denial about his imitations, because that is bollocks, and because not everyone does it in their thirties, and he is still has time. However, there is likely a correlation between his MH (grumpiness) and the fact he isn't achieving what he and you thought he would (see point 2 in my last post about mid life crisis).

So, is the real issue that he isn't trying hard enough, or that he hasn't achieved it yet? I'm raising these questions for you to think about, because if it is that he hasn't achieved it yet and wants to, he needs a mentor (not you) who is going to help him play the Game of Thrones a bit better than he has to date. But still YABU to think his career aspirations were ever cast iron promises guaranteeing his success at whatever financial level you thought he'd get to. (This is said with respect to wobble your head).