Disappointed in DH and can’t get past it

[Tonkabeanfizz]

Namechanged. Been with DH for decades. 2 teenage kids.

We met very young. Thanks to a combination of very hard work, some luck, and canny decision making, I sold my business just after we got married, which meant I could spend several years raising kids and retraining to follow a different career path at the same time.

The ‘deal’ with DH at the time was very much that I had passed the baton, so to speak. The intention was that he’d progress in his field, earn more as the years passed and whilst the expectation was never that he’d bring in what I did from the business sale, that with our savings, his higher income, and my (now lesser/unreliable income), we would always be comfortable. Trouble is, it hasn’t worked out like that. His career/income hasn’t really progressed over the past decade and we are left with hardly any savings now.

Just tonight, I’ve learned he didn’t apply for a work promotion that he may have been in with a chance for. He says that he ‘probably wouldn’t have got it’ and ‘didn’t want the stress’ and I feel so angry. I do everything for us, I’m always striving - but it feels like Dh is happy to just coast, even though I am stressed about our financial future, and I resent it massively.

With the business sale, we could buy a house and live quite well as a family - certainly not flashy - but the odd nice holiday, days out, activities etc. Now we have barely any savings left, and are having to make quite significant changes to our lifestyle etc.

I feel like this is the final straw in all the recent years of disappointment. It’s always felt like he promised something he’s never delivered and while this situation isn’t all entirely his fault (though a lot of it IS!), I just resent how it now feels like he’s given up trying altogether.

anyone else been in a similar position?

@Hont1986 - don't think it's remotely relevant how exactly much DH earns tbh. The point is, we may have to sell our house if we can't keep up the mortgage payments, and likely won't have anything saved for retirement or put aside for our kids - though hopefully this might change if I work really hard at it.

Yes, we could downsize and sell our house if we have to, and I know many don't have that option - but I don't want to do that. Not that I care that much, but I can't think of the last time I bought any new clothes, and summer holidays are a distant memory. Not really where I thought I'd be in my 40's, but there you go.

Absolutely - there is no right of wrong answer either (sometimes I think we should coast a little more, especially now we’re got a child!)

I suppose my main point was that (for me) being the only ambitious one (or indeed the only coaster) could be even more challenging as at least we’re currently in it together! I guess for some people (perhaps like yourselves) your different approaches compliment each other.

I have read & digested

Op how would you feel, if your DH described you as being disappointing & that his dreams had not been fulfilled until now ?

If you are in your 40s, you have 20+ years to pay into private pensions & create other savings or have less savings & have holidays i& fun nstead

You have what sounds like a lovely home, marriage, jobs, family & your health. It sounds like you need to practice some gratification for what you already have

You are right, it’s not relevant at all how much he earns, it will be more than some and less than others but as you say, it’s not the point. People on MN love to dismiss peoples financial concerns on the basis that they are poor enough to be concerned / frustrated or disappointed.

@Tonkabeanfizz it kind of does matter what your DH earns.
If he's on say £50k he's already earning pretty well and an increase to say £60-70k would likely require significant additional stress and responsibility, plus half of it gets eaten up in tax anyway.

Also I think it should have been obvious after a few years of prioritising his career that he isn't a high flyer, and not to base your mortgage on pie in the sky hypotheses if what he might earn.

You are where you are, and you can be as angry and resentful as you want but it's not going to pay the mortgage for you.

@NextD00rR00m - thank you, and you are right. I do try to remind myself of the bigger picture - that we are not living in a war zone, and all of us are healthy. It's just hard to hold onto that perspective sometimes!

I also wouldn't want DH to feel that he is disappointing to me in terms of who HE is, but what is disappointing is how he's said one thing and done another over the years, and our overall situation.

@Tonkabeanfizz I do get the frustration with diminished living standards. I'm living it myself. I guarantee that your DH is feeling it as well. Not what I expected in early forties and twenty years grafting. My OH had a car accident on Friday to top it off leading to a total loss on the car. Kids were in there too. All were fine and the pain is financial, but it could have been much worse... Try working on your connection with your DH. I suspect that this is holding you apart during some challenging times when maybe you could use support from one another.

@fahbeep - thank you and I'm so pleased that your DH and kids were okay following the car accident. Thank God. Episodes like that do help put things in perspective...and here's to less challenging years ahead for both of us! 😘

This

100% this ^^, I’ve climbed a couple of rungs in the last few years and the money does absolutely not make up for the hours, travel and general shit you have to deal with.

in hindsight i I wish I had stuck and a more general level and enjoyed life

The thing is, people are allowed to change their minds.
in one of your earlier posts, you listed a range of things your DH does around the house etc. Would he be able to do that working longer hours with more responsibilities at work? I took on a more senior role at work (am a single parent) and quite frankly, it is impossible to keep on top of everything. I have been considering going for promotion and actually, I am not sure if I have the mental bandwidth right now. It would make my life easier financially if I did but I am already exhausted.

But that apart, if you don’t somehow come back from this feeling of disappointment in your DH, the feeling that he has let you down, the feeling that you have given/are giving more than him, you risk ending up separating and believe me, the costs of divorce and separating are way more than those of running one household. Stress is permeating your posts, and that is not sustainable.

I also wonder how much he just says things he thinks you want to hear. If you are living beyond your means as a couple, then the question is whether and how you bring your outgoings within what you can both comfortably earn, without making yourself unwell.

costs have gone up a lot in the last year or two. Many, many people are in the position where what they could have afforded, they no longer can.

You strike me as an ideal candidate for a side hustle business. After all, you have the experience!

It doesn’t have to necessarily fit in with your main role, just bring in extra cash.

I think we should try to accept people as they are and not wish them to be the way we would like them to be.

Being married is a partnership, but in reality you can't make your partner be any different to how he is. You can only control yourself.
Whatever ideas you both had are only ideas. Either you need to learn to live in the reality of your situation or you as an individual can attempt to change it, but feeling resentment towards your husband will neither change the reality or help your marriage.
Personally I would downsize , get counselling and accept the reality of your life as it is, not what you thought it would be. Alternatively you personally can attempt to earn more money, as long as it isn't thrown in your husband's face, because this would damage your marriage.

YABVU, no one can guarantee career success.

I love how you are pissed off at your husband for his lack of ability to predict the future and your own decision making about your own career in your youth.

Sounds like you'd be better off going out and getting a better job yourself rather than getting bitter and twisted that your husband's career isn't what he predicted it would be.

I had some lofty ambitions a few years ago too. After actually being seconded to a senior position a couple of years ago I realised that it simply wasn't worth the stress and longer hours for what was not a life changing pay rise. Things aren't always better higher up the tree.

Are people deliberately missing that the promised to go for promotion two months ago, but just didn't bother? This isn't about things not turning out as he planned 20 years ago, this is about his continual lack of effort and relying on OP to do it all for him!

Honestly, these replies are ridiculous. Reads like a bunch of mens rights activists.

I didn't, I even pointed out that the problem maybe that he has been turned down for promotions so many times that he no longer has any self confidence anymore. But whatever.

Reads like a bunch of mens rights activists.

Oh look your bias is showing.

I happy for my bias against MRA's to show, thanks. You should be too, instead of sounding like one.

I have found that most posters that spout the term MRA do so because they are bigots that cannot accept a different opinion to their own, so as long as you are happy to be counted as one.

You're found wrongly, which makes sense as you didn't understand this thread at all.
Better luck next time.

That would be your opinion.

This is why planning life is pointless. I have never thought about my life beyond the present, neither has my DH. He's perfectly entitled to not go for a promotion, and having you be angry is not going to help. Seems like you only want him as a high earner. If the sexes were reversed, everyone would defend a woman. Either you earn more, or you make do.

I agree.

He sounds like a bullshitter.

He has bullshitted you for the past 20 years to keep you quiet.

He has never had the slightest intention to keep to his part of the agreement, seeing your financial contribution as a useful cushion to enable him to do the bare minimum.

Unfortunately you believed him, facilitated his career, carried the bulk of the house, childrearing and mental load.

Going forward you need to stop believing or depending on him.

He's a bullshitting future faker.

The most recent "promotion" is proof of that.

Don't believe a word out of him.
You are going to need to focus on upping your earnings and hand a lot more childcarec responsibility over to him.

I think his repeated dishonesty is the issue here.

It's his complete lack of honesty and straight shooting has brought you to this place.

Stop believing him.

Base your future financial decisions on the reality of your situation and not on his future "promotions" which are clearly pie in the sky.

Kindly meant be you have been very naive to have allowed this to go on for years.

You need to be a lot tougher with him, no longer allowing him to waffle on about "future finances" unchallenged and focus on how you save your home.

It's not a bit pointless, if you actually want to do something with your life.

the sexes were already reversed, SHE was the one who made all the money they had. He was supposed to step up eventually, and couldn't be bothered. He's not entitled to lie and lie and make promises with no intention of keeping them, while OP keeps working harder and harder.

You have a future faker on your hands.

Presumably it was the money from your business sale that made buying the house possible?

He's played you for a mug.