Disappointed in DH and can’t get past it

[Tonkabeanfizz]

Namechanged. Been with DH for decades. 2 teenage kids.

We met very young. Thanks to a combination of very hard work, some luck, and canny decision making, I sold my business just after we got married, which meant I could spend several years raising kids and retraining to follow a different career path at the same time.

The ‘deal’ with DH at the time was very much that I had passed the baton, so to speak. The intention was that he’d progress in his field, earn more as the years passed and whilst the expectation was never that he’d bring in what I did from the business sale, that with our savings, his higher income, and my (now lesser/unreliable income), we would always be comfortable. Trouble is, it hasn’t worked out like that. His career/income hasn’t really progressed over the past decade and we are left with hardly any savings now.

Just tonight, I’ve learned he didn’t apply for a work promotion that he may have been in with a chance for. He says that he ‘probably wouldn’t have got it’ and ‘didn’t want the stress’ and I feel so angry. I do everything for us, I’m always striving - but it feels like Dh is happy to just coast, even though I am stressed about our financial future, and I resent it massively.

With the business sale, we could buy a house and live quite well as a family - certainly not flashy - but the odd nice holiday, days out, activities etc. Now we have barely any savings left, and are having to make quite significant changes to our lifestyle etc.

I feel like this is the final straw in all the recent years of disappointment. It’s always felt like he promised something he’s never delivered and while this situation isn’t all entirely his fault (though a lot of it IS!), I just resent how it now feels like he’s given up trying altogether.

anyone else been in a similar position?

Agree with @Quitelikeit

He has undermined the family in a serious way, and if he isn't worried that the house might have to be sold in a slow market, why isn't he?

What a nasty load of bile you have poured out,

You've said his salary isn't relevant to the thread. How can it not be, your post is about aspirations and not fulfilling those and being untruthful but also about what life you both expect.

Also it sounds very much like your plan. I suspect he nodded along with the best of intentions but you get older and sometimes realise that throwing your life into work isn't all its cracked up to be.

You can't make him you, op.

@Tonkabeanfizz the honest truth here is that you both bought into a house and lifestyle that's beyond your means and this was irresponsible. You shouldn't have bought a house back then with a vision they'll be an increased salary. It should have been the exact opposite - planning for possibility of DH losing his job and the need therefore to retain more of the savings and you both living a lifestyle you can easily afford without assuming that your DH would have got a promotion.

It's attitudes like this that has heavily contributed to unsustainable house prices because too many people are purchasing houses that are in reality too expensive for them to afford. Your DH seems like the more laid back type and went along with it all to please you because you had all these overly materialistic ambitions for the family (and is why he's been not honest about he's lack of drive to get promotions due to being afraid of your reaction).

You sound like the dominant one in the relationship and to be fair to you, your DH should have been more upfront with you about how he's feeling and that his view for the family is one focused on quality family time, looking after one's (and therefore the family's) wellbeing by not being in an overly stressful job, and a more simple lifestyle rather than chasing after money and status. I completely understand your DH's perspective.

Children really don't need that many materialistic things, or a big house or holidays abroad, they need two loving parents who put their marriage first. There's no need to cause unnecessary strife in the marriage that could lead to a break up down the line. Their family breaking up would be FAR more detrimental to your children than downsizing, moving to a smaller house in a different area and sacrificing for a cheaper lifestyle, so you need to have some very important perspective here.

Whoever's fault it is, what's done is done and staying in a place full of resentment is going to be toxic to your marriage and children. I would suggest going for couples counselling and also downsizing as soon as you can to take the financial pressure off the family and resetting the family budget so you all live within your current financial means going forward.

All the best x

100% this.

The recent anti men bias on this forum is just so tiring and boring. And at the end of the day it helps no one, including the thread starters. I genuinely feel sorry for these types of posters. Instead of seeking therapy to overcome whatever has led them to harbour such bile and prejudice against half the human race, they just spew the same tiresome hate and it must be so sad to live a life consumed with that much resentment.

Sure, there are lots of bad examples of men out there (and bad women too) but there's normally a lot of nuances in relationships, and just because one poster has a vagina, it doesn't automatically mean they're right in absolutely everything or that the automatic response to any significant relationship issue is LTB and incite someone else to blow up their family unit.

At no point does OP say that her husband promised her that he would go for a promotion, just that he said he was going to. Your whole post is based on something that was never said or done as far as we can tell.

OP I understand. You are in a similar position to me.

There is a saying by Maya Angelou:- 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them'.

You seem to realise that your DH is not career driven and is happy with the status quo right now. This could be for many reasons (too much stress/thinks he has already achieved enough/low confidence etc). It seems to me that he spun you a line about wanting to earn more, and you believed him, but he hasn't. He may have told you that as it is easier to say something and not deliver, and maybe he tried but couldn't deliver - and now does not want to. Who knows?

It is not surprising that you feel let down as you expected him to deliver on a promise and he hasn't told you about the goal posts changing.

You can't change the past, so the only options left are to sit down with him and have an honest chat and a plan. It also means accepting (unfortunately for you ), that he doesn't want to change his career. It also means outlining the things you want vs need vs consequences.
Eg If you still want to continue as you are and so does he, there may have to be an acceptance for both of you that there will not be as much in your pensions and for your DC. Or you decide you want the lifestyle current and future, and be the major breadwinner - but then you need to agree what your DH can do to support that.

Not everyone is career driven
or have the drive and ability to progress
70% of my friendship circle just have a job to pay a wage and no desire to climb any career ladder

It's tricky. When I was 20 I wanted to be a director. Now I see the trade offs, the stress, hours worked etc.. I'm not sure I could do it. I'm sure I don't want to. My health and energy levels are OK but now I know I can do everything. I'm not as clever in the workplace as I was at uni.

What if my husband held me to this, would he be right to, not sure. My husband never promised anything financially except he'd get a reasonable job, he always said in my line of work we don't earn a lot. So by this logic I'm some kind of fraud as im doing OK but he earns a lot more.

I would be frustrated if dh wasn't at least slightly ambitious. Maybe he could do more in the home and you work more?

Plans always need to be reviewed and brought into line with realistic options.

I feel empathy for you OP

Different levels of ambition and striving are exhausting

You need to stop draining your savings. As long as you have access to that money he has no 'drive' to earn more. I woul put the money into long term savings ' for DCs University fees'. When the issue of holidays, new cars, home improvements come up you need to make clear there is no money. Make him realise his decisions regarding not going for promotion are why there is no money. Make his career decisions affect him.

Been there OP. My ex made all the same promises. I just needed to support him in his job and he had a plan to be site manager. So I did the bulk of the child rearing and house stuff and put my studies to the side.

Spoiler: it never materialised. There was always an excuse as to why someone else got the promotion and not him. Then he started with 'x is going to get promoted then I'll get their job', 'y is retiring soon and I'll be a sure thing for their job' even 'z looks really unwell I don't think they'll last much longer then I'll get that job' 🙄 it was comical.really.

Still thinks he's running the world in his bog standard job which is so Important and Stressful.

Do you work OP?

I do try to remind myself of the bigger picture - that we are not living in a war zone, and all of us are healthy.

Yes, but that’s a very low bar to have to set! You have every right to feel hurt that you kept your side of the bargain and DH doesn’t. I hope you or someone can help him see that he needs to step up.

Best of luck, OP, and please ignore silly comments xx

Edited for typo

My wife changed career, and now earns less than she would be if she'd remained in her previous career. This was a change of plan on her part.

For many reasons, I've pulled back from more senior roles, again at a wage cut.

Neither of us feels let down by the other, life changes both your health, your views, your ambitions, and your priorities over 20 years, let alone the 30 years of my wife and I's relationship.

Add to that the 'cost' of both of our health conditions, the cost of living pressures and that life never turns out how you expect it, our goals and aims have had to change, but to be honest if we'd pushed for financial goals against our overall wellbeing we'd be fucking miserable now.

I guess the difference is that we're on the same page, and you and your husband are not. I don't think that makes either of you 'wrong' however.