Disappointed in DH and can’t get past it

[Tonkabeanfizz]

Namechanged. Been with DH for decades. 2 teenage kids.

We met very young. Thanks to a combination of very hard work, some luck, and canny decision making, I sold my business just after we got married, which meant I could spend several years raising kids and retraining to follow a different career path at the same time.

The ‘deal’ with DH at the time was very much that I had passed the baton, so to speak. The intention was that he’d progress in his field, earn more as the years passed and whilst the expectation was never that he’d bring in what I did from the business sale, that with our savings, his higher income, and my (now lesser/unreliable income), we would always be comfortable. Trouble is, it hasn’t worked out like that. His career/income hasn’t really progressed over the past decade and we are left with hardly any savings now.

Just tonight, I’ve learned he didn’t apply for a work promotion that he may have been in with a chance for. He says that he ‘probably wouldn’t have got it’ and ‘didn’t want the stress’ and I feel so angry. I do everything for us, I’m always striving - but it feels like Dh is happy to just coast, even though I am stressed about our financial future, and I resent it massively.

With the business sale, we could buy a house and live quite well as a family - certainly not flashy - but the odd nice holiday, days out, activities etc. Now we have barely any savings left, and are having to make quite significant changes to our lifestyle etc.

I feel like this is the final straw in all the recent years of disappointment. It’s always felt like he promised something he’s never delivered and while this situation isn’t all entirely his fault (though a lot of it IS!), I just resent how it now feels like he’s given up trying altogether.

anyone else been in a similar position?

I’d be absolutely furious. This is important to you and you have made it clear from the outset. He agreed with this and now he is backtracking.

If people on here lack ambition and drive they will not understand you.

God this is worth a massive row! You are not here to carry him through life, you are not his bash cow and let him know you need him to earn more money and ask what he intends to
do about it.

Cash cow even 😆

Goodness, this can’t be serious. People don’t actually think like this do they, they don’t treat people like this if they don’t find themselves able to earn as they’d like

I'm sorry you feel your house is at risk. I hope that turns out not to be the case. Blame Boris Johnson, Liz Truss and the Conservative Party for that. Their dogmatic stupidity over Brexit, schizophrenic approach to the Pandemic, and bat shit libertarian ideas have exploded the financial security of families all over the UK. This part of it is not your husband's fault. Money just doesn't go as far as it did four years ago. We are all feeling that pinch ☹️.

I never cease to be amazed at the amount of women on mumsnet who would happily drive their husbands to an early grave to take on increased work stress, just to give themselves a cushier material lifestyle.

Would you really enjoy the extra material benefits knowing it's adding increased stress to your husband's life? I couldn't.

@Tonkabeanfizz I think you have to take some responsibility for a joint decision to rely on savings to pay a mortgage that you can’t actually afford. It sounds as though you really overextended yourselves – but you’re not alone in that and for lots of people, taking advantage of the tiny rates and getting the maximum mortgage allowed was the only way to get on the ladder. You’re not alone in having to tighten your belt to weather this mortgage storm! You may feel better about it if you consider the pressure your DH is now under: you’re framing it as “he gets a promotion or we lose the house”, which is horrendously stressful; I can see why he didn’t want to invite further stress into his life with a more senior job! Could you downsize or get a less attractive house, eg an ex new build if you’re in an area where period properties command a premium. Taking the pressure off the mortgage may buy you more of the lifestyle things you want, such as the holidays.

Loki? Is that you causing mischief again? Get back to Disney+ !!! Your next episode isn't due out until Friday!

but he’s very happy to drain the savings I brought to the table though.

I couldn’t live like this. His lies and deliberately missed opportunities have meant he’s tapped into the money you brought to the table and now you won’t be able to buy a house? No. He’s a dud.

That's not what she is saying?

If he doesn't manage stress well then maybe he doesn't want to go for promotion to protect his own mental health and wellbeing?
Yes you would have taken the opportunity but he's not you and what position would you be in if he went for it got it and then got dismissed or signed off with stress because he couldn't handle it and knew all along this was the case?

Just because you want him to have the promotion doesn't mean its the right thing to do. If it was me I would speak to him and let him job hunt without pressure or see if there is something else. LinkedIn can be useful if he's a certain level or profession head hunters come to you!

There are ways of re-examining finances to cut back and prepare for things like mortgage increases as best as possible and to put money aside. We have saved £60 a month for instance by switching phone contracts to sim only and not having phone upgrades. You can examine what's necessary, what's a luxury and what you can cut out.

The plan wasn't a very good one as you have now found out.

The savings from the sale of the business should have been halved. Half to help you get set up as a family into and the other half invested for the future if your careers didn't work out/you split up/one became ill etc

Instead you've squandered it all early on.

You need to reevaluate your lifestyle and the pathetic your in to decide the best way forward with your now reduced circumstances.

If the hostility and resentment you feel towards him can't be overcome, then you'll have to split which is a shame as he hasn't really done anything wrong.

I certainly don't lack ambition or drive and work in a high paced high stress industry where decisions I make on a daily basis can well into the hundreds of millions for many years.

But I also watched many friends reach burn out and sadly have lost a few male friends to suicide due partly to the build up of stress and pressure that comes with that financial and working lifestyle.

I left the industry and took a sideways move and it was the best decision I ever made for the same money. I finish work at 5, work flexibly and my work are brilliant at putting adjustments in place for my long covid. Honestly some things are more important then promotion and yes I could be on 100k by now if I stayed in industry but I would have zero life and taking phonecalls at 10pm, the weekend and on holiday like I used to!

Everyone needs to live within their means a promotion and more money is not the only way to do that.

Was with somebody for a long time who had very different priorities to me. Love was enough to get us through a lot of it, but by the time things went south, he had a heap of material things and huge debts, where I had enough 'stuff' to make me happy, and savings (we were on similar wages).

It was unsustainable, as I had to pay for pretty much everything that wasn't his half of mortgage and bills, and sometimes had to pay for that.

We split up, his choice.

Fast forward and I have my own house, somewhere lovely. I don't do without. I'm content. Self employed, work long hours as I enjoy my job and my boss is a right bastard! I have savings, friends, can run off on a holiday or buy a new car if I need to.

He is still chasing rainbows. Probably happy too! It wouldn't have worked for much longer as I was resenting supporting his lifestyle to the detriment of mine.

Don't know whether there is a lesson here, but love will only take a big difference in outlooks so far. Good luck, OP.

Cobblers. They set up house and treated these things as joint assets. Reverse the position of a man with assets and a woman with less, what would you be saying then? That the woman was a parasite on the man? Get a grip. Not all marriages are abusive. Most are not.

Honestly, I think your plan set him up for failure all along. You say he doesn't handle stress well. That means that he is fundamentally not and never has been suited to the kind of career striving you want him to have done. I do understand that you feel like he deceived you. I doubt that was his intent. More like, he was desperately grasping for ways to show you that he's keeping his promises, while knowing in his heart of hearts that he isn't that person. Don't think he doesn't know he's a disappointment to you.

It was always a mistake to gamble everything on chickens that hadn't been conceived, much less hatched, yet, and you know it now. You need to take stock and either accept the husband you have or end your marriage, but you know now he's not a career-ladder-climber, so please stop expecting him to be and then punishing him emotionally for not being one.

You are not unreasonable but why are you waking up to this only now?
why did you start dipping into the savings earmarked for the house instead of raising the issue then?
kind of strange to start raising this only when the savings are depleted

Marriage should be about teamwork and there is far more to life than work and careers. You have a decent DH, who is a good partner, father and someone I assume you love who appears to have no serious faults and who works. Address this together, and really listen to his position!

Also it is very naive to rely on someone’s assurances that they aim to get income X/position Y by certain time, because what if they don’t have what it takes to progress on career ladder
didnt you see his personality before in all these years and that he’s not one of these people, despite what he says himself?

YANBU.

When I met STBXH I was a single parent but studying a degree part time in order to provide a decent life for dc and I. Owning a house was a massive goal for H, it's all he talked about and would see himself as a failure if he didn't own. 11years down the line and I'm a qualified teacher working full time, and he has only ever worked part time in minimum wage retail jobs, also passing on promotions because "the hours and stress aren't worth the extra money". And I am about to turn 40, and still renting. But apparently that is because I've never been fully on board with the house ownership deal, and it's my fault that I am not driven enough (his actual words. Not entirely sure what he expects to buy earning £14k pa in the south east 🤔)
Anyway, the resentment is there, I feel he has held us/me back and I've got tired of it. That's one of the (many) issues why he's now EX and I haven't missed him for a second since he left.

It's okay to grow apart, and break apart if needed. Sometimes you do just have to put yourself, your dreams and your ambitions first. Feeling like somebody is holding you back from that is a horrible feeling

I'm quite confused by this.

Your DH has worked and earned throughout.

You sold a business, had the luxury of time off work not earning, the luxury of retraining and the luxury of choosing an insecure, unreliable income, whilst your DH continued to work and provide a reliable, secure income for the family, whilst you had all that time to do as you chose.

You're now short of money, and you think it's your DH's fault? Surely not? Surely it's YOUR life choices and unwillingness to continue to work and provide a reliable income to match your DH's that's the problem?

I'd be quite interested to know how much your DH earns, how much you currently earn, and how much you are expecting your DH to earn in order for you to be satisfied!

@Fahbeep but it’s more complicated than that surely. There are times when the burden might fall more on one person than the other but both people should be striving to make the marriage and family unit work. I have had to carry my husband when he had mental health problems but as much as I love him I couldn’t have done it indefinitely. We only got through it as he committed to getting as well as he could. He left a well paying job and now earns less but he’s happy. However I would be lying if I said I didn’t find it hard that I am stuck as the main breadwinner indefinitely. However I do value his health over money. I don’t think the OPs husband is willing to try as much as he could. It doesn’t seem fair.

I think your resentment of your DH is misplaced. Look around - the whole country is experiencing disappointment with their standard of living. Very few people have been able to substantially grow their real incomes. I hear you on the promotion but you don't know how realistic it was, what the cost/ benefit was of going for it. Ultimately you do need to respect that it's his career and his choice. Having chosen to opt out of earning for a decade, you can't expect to backseat-drive his career.

I got married at the same time as you, and back then yes, times were good, the future looked great, we had every reason to believe DH's career and our financial position would go from strength to strength at that point. But guess what, the last few years have been very hard, like most people our income has stalled and we feel much poorer now. My hardworking DH is not to blame for this though and I doubt yours is either.

I think your plan was based on false assumptions and unfortunately it wasn't at all realistic. We're now in much harder times and a cost of living crisis. He is probably experiencing quite a lot of stress being the main breadwinner for your family. Meanwhile, you've taken ten years out of work. I think it's really unfair, for you to expect him, in that climate, to have somehow enhanced your joint lifestyle/ financial position on his own. It's very rare to have a comfortable lifestyle on one income now. It sounds like you're the one who is unhappy with your joint financial position, if this was me I would consider whether I could do more to contribute/ go back to work.

It does sound like your DH has unrealistic expectations of how much he could earn , but surely after a certain number of years you must be wise to it .

It's a bit like DHs confident projections about his future self invested pension. Based on past results I simply don't believe it any more and have taken to squirrelling away money in share save schemes so he can't touch it so we have a decent retirement. I do love him, but he's not the Wall Street wizard with investments he imagines he is - and to be fair it's been a tough few years to predict. I lost a lot of money by playing it safe and putting all my bonuses into bank shares which are now pretty much worthless, so I'm not perfect either.

I think you both need to face up to your actual financial position, not what it could or should be. You'll hopefully find lots of ways to save costs and keep your home, but the most important thing is to be on the same page about it.

The issue here for me

• you are BOTH expecting a certain standard of living
• you BOTH have no way to achieve that standard carrying on the way you are(work and spending wise)
• you’ve BOTH agreed to dip into savings until now so you could get that standard (albeit you more reluctantly than him?)
• but the only person who is making efforts to change things and ensure you can indeed have that standard is you. When you had expected it to be a team work.
• The effect of pushing through and trying to make it happen is all on you affecting your MH/increasing stress.

You need a frank conversation with numbers. What lifestyle do you want? How much money do need for that? How will you achieve it? It could mean fur example your DH carrying in at his level but picking up much much more of the parenting/picking up at school/housework so things are more balanced/easier for you. It might mean you deciding you’re going to accept (slightly!) lower standard if living. It might mean that your aspirations are so different that they are not reconcilable.

But you need a frank discussion on what you expect from life iyswim. Including the fact you can’t plan for everything (eg your business might be failing despite all your efforts). Nor can he simply relax and expect you to carry all the burden with no help from his side.

You’ve had some great advice on this thread on reframing the narrative about how you are the earner/achiever and he is the one not striving - he has worked throughout whilst you’ve been at home and retraining, he isn’t a wastrel or layabout.

He doesn’t manage stress well and the past few years haven’t been easy for a whole host of reasons, not just the money/career stuff. He is quite grumpy and while I’m sure many on here will say I put him under pressure, I really do my best to be supportive to him - but I don’t feel emotionally supported by him on many levels these days.

Feeling emotionally unsupported stood out to me. You do need to separate your fear of losing the house/financial difficulties from resentment at not feeling supported by him. What can he do to acknowledge your worries and be a better partner emotionally for you?