Disappointed in DH and can’t get past it

[Tonkabeanfizz]

Namechanged. Been with DH for decades. 2 teenage kids.

We met very young. Thanks to a combination of very hard work, some luck, and canny decision making, I sold my business just after we got married, which meant I could spend several years raising kids and retraining to follow a different career path at the same time.

The ‘deal’ with DH at the time was very much that I had passed the baton, so to speak. The intention was that he’d progress in his field, earn more as the years passed and whilst the expectation was never that he’d bring in what I did from the business sale, that with our savings, his higher income, and my (now lesser/unreliable income), we would always be comfortable. Trouble is, it hasn’t worked out like that. His career/income hasn’t really progressed over the past decade and we are left with hardly any savings now.

Just tonight, I’ve learned he didn’t apply for a work promotion that he may have been in with a chance for. He says that he ‘probably wouldn’t have got it’ and ‘didn’t want the stress’ and I feel so angry. I do everything for us, I’m always striving - but it feels like Dh is happy to just coast, even though I am stressed about our financial future, and I resent it massively.

With the business sale, we could buy a house and live quite well as a family - certainly not flashy - but the odd nice holiday, days out, activities etc. Now we have barely any savings left, and are having to make quite significant changes to our lifestyle etc.

I feel like this is the final straw in all the recent years of disappointment. It’s always felt like he promised something he’s never delivered and while this situation isn’t all entirely his fault (though a lot of it IS!), I just resent how it now feels like he’s given up trying altogether.

anyone else been in a similar position?

You had a plan, he might have had a plan, who knows, but regardless it wasn't the same as yours.

Sounds like you feel like you've set up the family situation, and have maintained it, and will continue to do so, while he coasts along making the dinner occasionally and keeping his stress low. You've married a plodder and plodders will plod. It would be unreasonable of you to suddenly realise that he's not done what you feel he said he would and expect him to change overnight into Gordon Gekko. Not going to happen.

With this in mind you might need to re evaluate your financial situation based on what is, not what you hoped would be. This might involve selling the house you bought under the impression that things would be different. Not what you wanted, but that's life.

You also might need to get yourself to a position of acceptance and keep a check on resentment because that will end you, and divorce is more expensive than counselling.

@LumpyPillowLove but think about this solely on the facts of the OP's question. Her DH has in fact produced the majority of the income for the last 10 years, just not as much as either of them expected at the start. Together they have lived a lifestyle that had to be sustained from their savings (a joint decision). OP has retrained into something low paying but that she sees as a vocation, and now wants DH to "up his game" so she can continue with her previous lifestyle while enjoying her low pay vocation (and I repeat that the lifestyle was sustained by their savings, not by either's true income). They've run out of saved money at the worst possible moment, when wages have lag behind inflation for two years. So now they are squeezed (like the rest of the UK) by the fact their disposable money has reduced in both quantity and value. OP could abandon her vocation, and look for a higher paying job, but she doesn't want to do that. Fair enough, but if they want to continue with the current plan of relying of DH's future earning potential, they need to cut cloth today. That's unpleasant for sure, but dwell on resentment and blame without each accepting their joint responsibility and getting real about finance is no basis for progress.

It sounds like it's the not even trying that you find hard to take. If he'd applied but not got it you'd feel better but he'd feel worse. Only you can decide if you want to Carry on together or you find him too laid back and chilled for you.

My guess is he knew he wouldn't get the promo & that's why he didn't apply. Also that he says the 'life plan' comments because it's a habit that the pair of you talk about, rather than it being his 'truth'. My DH always says what he thinks is the 'right' answer, it's just who he is.
I think you need to think carefully about his qualities. You are probably overlooking some good ones in your quest for a 'better' life. Is he kind? Funny? Helpful? Do you have a good joint social life?
Then I think you need to assess whether the grass is greener without him.

this last thing of not going for a promotion (when two months ago he said he was going to) seems like the final straw.

OP, have you considered the possibility that he did go for it, and was knocked back? And is ashamed to tell you that?

How much does your DH earn and how much do you make?
How much did you sell your business for?
Maybe these numbers were never going to work. In the last 5 years everything has gone up a lot and savings interest and wages have not kept pace.

Lots of families have had to adjust to less, either less money or a later retirement or a smaller house. Everything is more expensive.

It's true that things have got more expensive.

We have two good incomes and a mortgage paid off, but the cost of holidays, meals and days out have increased massively more than the rate of our earnings, so - whilst we are still financially comfortable and much better off than majority of population so I am absolutely not complaining- we have to make choices about what we do.

I think it’s hard when the plans change, but it happens in most households, especially when you have been together 20 years!
Life happens and sometimes the disappointments are out of your control, sometimes they are not and that makes this one harder is that he is making choices that impact you and you don’t like it.

Look at the good things: Nobody is sick, you still have your home and your kids are ok.

I would book some counselling/ mediation and get all your feelings out. Then come up with a new plan together.

I think you have a long time together and it’s worth working on it. All the best.

Thanks so much for a lot of replies on here. I was away from my laptop for a bit (working as it happens 😂) - there's some really excellent advice about what to think about in terms of our future and I really appreciate those who have shared their support and/or understanding here.

Some really quite bonkers replies here too that I should probably also respond to. I REALLY don't think buying a house and using savings to help pay off a mortgage, caring for my kids when they were toddlers and babies (no maternity leave as I was self employed), and retraining in a different field is 'squandering the money ', is it?! How utterly ridiculous.

And for those that seem to think I had some sort of luxurious lifestyle while DH was somehow forced into working all hours in a stressful role to fund that is highly misguided. I worked my arse off to get us into a good position financially that DH benefitted from enormously - he has had the luxury living where we do, being able to work in an industry of his choosing (which is not, trust me, particularly stressful), safe in the knowledge that should the boiler break or the mortgage rates go up, we can dip into our savings to pay for them etc.

If ten years ago I knew our position would become so precarious then I wouldn't have retrained or extended ourselves on our mortgage to the degree that we did - this is not DH's fault. But what is his fault, imo, is not doing his best to preserve what we have/try to make things better for us - because I have done that at every point, bar 'selfishly' retraining into a field that a) was flexible, so allowed me more time with our kids as they grew and b) actually benefits others in a way that my 'business life' didn't. But that was my mistake, I guess 🙄

Thanks again.

It's a case of accepting the reality of his ambition and working out an enjoyable life based on it, or moving on.

I wouldn't be hopeful about nagging, "serious chat" etc. Motivation has to come from within.Not bothering to try "cos I probably wouldn't get it" is an ick for me. Don't ask, don't get. Every application is a chance to hone your pitch and reflect on experience & areas to improve

I sympathise OP, he is not committing as much as you and it’s not fair.

@Fahbeep yes I see your point but I think it’s about the fact he doesn’t seem to want to try anymore. My DH now earns less but he is enthusiastic and committed which is an admirable quality and helps me deal with the loss of income. At the moment the OPs partner doesn’t sound like a great guy to be with. It also could just get worse money and relationship wise which is scary.

there's a lot of pathetic apologia on behalf of OP's "poor husband".

She built up a business, sold it, and used the money to buy a house, pay the bills and retrain. She did the housework, she minded the children, she did the hard work of retraining, she is working her way up, she's planning for the future, she's doing the worrying.

All he has done has lie and promise and never follow through. He's unreliable. He doesn't support his family. He doesn't take his share of the burden. He takes and doesn't give.

But somehow OP is still the unreasonable one? Jog on.

@Tonkabeanfizz the challenge now is focusing on the future.

Your post is heavy on what has happened in the past, but that can't be changed.

I feel you need to park your emotions as much as you can and do a financial inventory based on both of your current earnings.

Then an honest conversation on how you progress. I would say that if your DH was likely to be promoted or have the capacity or inclination for it, it would have happened by now, so that's something you need to factor into your thinking. If that's a deal breaker then so be it, but understanding why he has been making the right noises but not pursuing it is the key to this.

You say you've retrained but you're now on a "lesser/unreliable income"
Is that likely to change soon, has your retraining given you greater future earning potential so it was worthwhile selling. Or do you regret selling your successful business to retrain in a career that sounds financially not as productive or secure.
You say your DH doesn't take stress very well. Usually a senior position equals stress hence why he's approaching promotion with some trepidation.
You need to have a honest chat with your DH and reality of expectations needs to be discussed. If he's really not up to getting a promotion (whatever the reason) maybe it's time for him to take on a more supportive role. He stays in his current job but takes over the life admin at home as well. This will free you up to build your career & hopefully family income. A role reversal I suppose.

It sounds like he has been insulated from the consequences his lack of ambition due to having savings that could bridge the gap between your family income and expenditure. Do you sit down together and discuss your finances? I have a massive spreadsheet with equity in properties, pensions, cashflow etc. but I always talk to my OH about it and get him involved. As a general rule, spending beyond your earnings is not a good idea (obviously the savings will ultimately run out). Sometimes it is necessary for short periods of time but I would expect to have discussed that together and plan for how we will either increase the earnings, or decrease the expenditure to they are aligned. It sounds a bit like this has happened over many years but have you discussed your financial situation much? how does he respond when you do?

I admit to being a coaster 🙈 I would rather stay in the same job ticking along than to risk switching and being miserable. So I see your dh's point but I can also understand that it must be frustrating for you. Can I just say I think it is a good partnership to have a coaster along with a high flyer. If you both shared the same ideals you would probably clash.

Sorry, but reading between the lines I think your plan was probably a little unrealistic for the amount of money that you had from the sale of the business. It is easy to believe that a large sum of money will last forever, but unless you keep it as a lump and invest it for an income (rather than dipping into it as you have done) then it will deplete sooner than expected.

It is not uncommon for spouses to bring a lump sum into a marriage - inheritance being one such situation - but (unless it has been gambled, drunk or squandered away) it is unfair for one spouse to hold it over the other ten years later. You brought it, you both used and benefitted from it, it is now gone.

So forget the lump sum, it is history. Forget your high-earning business past, it is history. You are now a modestly paid but socially useful therapist or whatever it is you do now.

Look objectively at your situation now (your income, your assets and opportunities - do a SWOT analysis perhaps?) and assess what you want to do to generate additional income. Can you adjust the term of your mortgage, or take in a lodger? Is there anything you can sell or rent out?

I think it could be a few issues. Was it really both your plan or did he just agree. Is he happy to plod in life where as you aren’t. Would it be better if you worked full time and he worked part time if you are more ambitious. If your children are still young you will have time to make this better. I married someone who went along with things to make me happy but turns out he didn’t want those things. He just put blocks in the way and I became so frustrated. We aren’t together anymore. You need to get to the bottom of the issues.

Sounds like he was young and naive about what it would take to get ahead. He has changed his mind and simply doesn’t want the stress.

This. To give you the view from the other side OP - my DH is older than me and has a considerable amount of savings. After our first child was born he quit his job and took FIVE years off work. We paid jointly for everything as “I’m using my savings that I earned and brought to the table” so we had full time childcare and he spent his days relaxing and having fun while I slaved away FT and then came home to do my 50/50 share of childcare. I felt like I would never be able to replicate the life my DH had (because my savings had to fund a family of 4 and I therefore couldn’t build up as much of a nest egg as DH) and that my DH was living his life exactly the way he wanted to and I had fo comply as he’d “done his bit” financially.

now, you don’t sound twatty like my DH as you’ve raised kids, but it also sounds like you’ve done exactly what YOU want to do at the time you wanted to do it, as it’s DHs turn to provide. I think you have to see this as a gift not a burden. He does not have the luxury of having the headspace to be able to devote all his time and energy to earning as you did when you sold
your business - I think you should talk to him about how he feels in a non judgemental way and without expectation that it’s “his turn” to “pick up the baton” as you say.

coversely, he can’t stick his head in the sand and ignore the fact your income does not sustain the lifestyle you want.

couples counselling really does sound like money well spent here.

This thread is a brutal reminder that despite all the work towards equality, men are still largely by default expected to be ambitious and make bank.

Only when they have specifically agreed to do that, and in this case, have taken advantage of their spouse being ambitious and having already made bank.

Nice try, but fail.,

They talk regularly about their goals. The H said he would go for the promotion two months ago. This is nothing to do with their 20s. He's lying about his intentions now.

Nah they're expected to not lie to their partners. That's all. Still too much for many though