Calling out daughter in law

[Diggin]

AIBU my daughter in law expects my son to do all the housework and be primary carer for their two young children 1 and 3. They both work but she has the better paying job. I find myself having to bite my lip when we visit as she treats him like her skivvy. I’m sure my son allows this as his previous partner took their child went back to her parents and refused him access for years until he git a court order and even then did her best to prevent them having any kind of relationship. Should I say something or just continue to bite my lip?

Yet no-one on MN ever wonders what the MIL has to say as they lay into her on the dear DIL's behalf!

Yet no-one on MN asked her what does she actually DO to help. Because she has grown a pair of course and now she does not need to do anything. If she was the mother of DIL that would be another scenario ? Musing out loud.

Yet women on here are told that the second her OH sets foot over the threshold at the end of a long working day, no Costa etc., he is expected to 'support' her by taking over and letting her have some more 'me time'.
MN is the great bastion of female hypocrisy.

You are that mil.

One parent always enviably takes a greater share of domestic life than the other depending on hours, stress levels, capability, wants etc.

This has nothing to do with you

@Diggin
OP you sound an absolute narcissist pandering to her mummas-boy grown son.

You manage to blame everyone but your precious son. No one believes you because you’re deluded.
Check yourself.

His wife is an angel for taking on lower paid man laden with baggage (older child, crazy ex, crazy mother), has recently had a baby, and probably taking care of the baby and house for most of the day anyways.

This post instantly grabbed my attention because I have a very unfortunate relationship with my MIL, who likes to try to influence my husband. I went through a difficult time post birth and had to complete a qualification during mat leave. It took me some time to recover even after this finished as i had emotional and psychological burnout. So for a few months afterwards my husband was doing more of both the earning and the childcare - what many people would describe as an unbalanced relationship. He endured this for me and a year and a half later, we have once again found balance between how much effort we put in. However, my MIL jumped on the opportunity to criticise me during that time I referred to and made snide remarks. I told my husband to keep her nose out of our business and thankfully he did. But I've never forgiven her as I now feel strongly that she doesn't have my back. I avoid seeing her, which she suffers from now as she sees a bit less of her grandchildren than she would otherwise. I'm always respectful and don't exclude her per se, but it has definitely impacted things irreparably. I'm sure you mean your DIL no harm, but when a MIL shows an unrestrained bias towards the wellbeing of her son over her DIL without considering the nuances of a situation (even though really we know this is probably how 99% of MILs feel about their sons), the relationship can't really recover. My advice for a happy relationship with your son? Always take HER side.

If she's on maternity, that probably means she does all childcare and house work while your son is working and then naturally expects him to do his share when he's home - which happens to be when you visit. I wouldn't interfere - your son is an adult and does not need your protection from his own wife.

FFS not this again. Would you say this if the roles were reversed?

If this was your daughter and not a son would you feel the same?

I'd be so proud if I went to my son's house and saw him beavering away with the domestic chores and being hands with the two kids and never having to ask 'where's that Vanish stuff kept you put in with the sheets'?

Or is she belittling him and humiliating him verbally?

If you give a few examples there might not be so much speculation on the readers' part.

It’s just feeling a bit triggered when I’m there

Let's face it, if she is on maternity leave it is highly unlikely that he is doing everything for the children, being the "primary carer" and all the housework and working full time.

More likely, hosting you falls entirely to him as DIL doesn't like you based on your shitty attitude towards her. Who could blame her?

Some of us criticising this MiL - indeed if it's not fake - are MiLs and know how to behave respectfully.
Stop blaming Mumsnetters reacting to the OP's ridiculous accusations.

She may cover all of the unseen tasks that your special son doesn't do. Makes sure insurance gets paid, makes sure bills are sorted, manages the family budget, does shopping online on her commute home from work.
Keep your nose out of your sons relationship. He became her husband the day he married and you're not in that relationship.
I've done up a list of all the jobs in house I do, financial, child care, working full time, house keeping, washing etc and listed my OH tasks beside it. Mine was pages longer but he'll still try and say he does loads, even more than me around the house.

Yes we have 4 children together I ignore him and focus on my children.

You have no idea what she does when you’re not there. Men often go into ‘super busy mode’ around their parents in my observation, which is not always sustained once they leave. Go ahead and “call her out” if you want to destroy your relationship with her (possibly leading to reduced contact with your grandchildren) and put your son in an awkward position. He’s not a child, you don’t need to wade in a fight his battles - if indeed there are any in this case.

In what way could this possibly be triggering? Do you have some trauma in your history that somehow involves a man doing too much housework?

My dh has always been very good at doing lots with the dcs or in the house when people were around.
He didn’t do that when it was just us.

What you see when you go around might be quite different than what happens when you’re not there.

You mean she expects your son to do all the entertaining fur HIS parents?
Thats pretty standard expectation if you read MN!

Not true @JudgeJ . DIL job still doesn't stop when OH gets home just because hes home. Personally when i had a OH they would come home and have time to decompress before being asked to contribute to the house...not that he did but thats another story. You see id get in from work and wouldn't sit down and would get straight into, washing, drying, cooking, etc...no sitting,like ex OH. Absolutely , after he is home and say had 30 mins to get in...he should be contributing with helping children, house.
OP just wants people to agree with her so she can show her son the posts if they were fitting her narrative, but i suppose she wont now. Shes meddling and quintessentially, a nosey bitter MIL

What are you talking about? That’s when a woman is on maternity leave, he should come home and share the chores. OP’s DiL is the one on maternity leave here, she’s not coming in from work to a house husband who has being doing all the childcare all day, she’s the one doing that.

What, and a woman was claiming her daughter did ALL the childcare despite being out at work all day and her husband taking paternity leave to be at home? Yes, I would be asking the same if that was the case.

All your sils have been nasty pieces of work? I'd say so all right 🤣

So basically, you have absolutely no idea what she does and doesn’t do, whether she’s solely tackling the nights, if their baby sleeps, whether she does all the life admin, and whether he actually does everything he appears to do all of the time, or if it’s just performative for when you’re there.

When my husband’s family turn up en masse, I let my husband do everything then too, as it’s his family inconveniencing us, and I do most of everything the rest of the time due to the nature of our work.

So it could just be that she’s resting while you’re there. You have no idea at all.

It’s so interesting that you hate every woman that’s ever got involved with your little prince, though. By interesting I mean hilarious.

Interesting advice though that would be difficult to maintain! At the end of the day least said soonest mended and managing my own emotions and playing the long game for family harmony seems the way to go.

It is interesting that you didn’t answer any of the questions about childcare and post natal depression.

it may well be that your son married a lazy selfish woman. They are all over the place. But it may also be that your daughter in law has the children all day when your son is at work and he does his bit on evenings and weekends when you visit?

Actually thats me in the kitchen doing it for both of them at times in their house - he’s minding the kids she’s twiddling her thumbs!