Calling out daughter in law

[Diggin]

AIBU my daughter in law expects my son to do all the housework and be primary carer for their two young children 1 and 3. They both work but she has the better paying job. I find myself having to bite my lip when we visit as she treats him like her skivvy. I’m sure my son allows this as his previous partner took their child went back to her parents and refused him access for years until he git a court order and even then did her best to prevent them having any kind of relationship. Should I say something or just continue to bite my lip?

When my in laws visit, my husband tends to jump into 'busy mode', rather than sit and chat with them which he finds harder work. And because I've spent time on my feet doing the school runs, cooking, cleaning etc, I tend to sit down more when they come round. They would only get a snapshot of our lives when they visited.

Have you spoken to your DS about this? What does he say? Relationships like this certainly exist and your DS is not doing anyone any favours by driving himself into burnout by doing everything. It’s not a great example for his kids.

You can’t speak to DiL but raise your concerned with DS. I’d expect the same if the genders were reversed

Ahhhhh you see your son as a golden adult. No woman will be good enough unless she is running herself ragged whilst your son sits there doing nothing bar scratching his balls and farting. Internalised misogny and sexism to boot.
OP i know it seems like these replies are bullying, if youre genuine...look at your son, he could be the common denominator and believe me, hes no angel. If it were roles reversed, youd have no issue would you?!

Tell your son to grow a pair.

It's not the fact that diggin has posted on Mumsnet it's how she has put her point across.
Personally I feel its fake to be provocative.

If it's for real people saying coercive control don't fall for it.
MiL could have started her post saying I am worried about my son and the way Dil treats him but no storms in wanting to call her out.
So she's on maternity leave something thankfully she is entitled to. Let's go back to women losing their jobs because they are pregnant shall we ? And have dils waiting at the door to welcome mummy's little soldiers home with tea on the table and slippers warming by the fire.
If diggin is a woman she wants to give herself a shake. Chauvinism.

Personally, I'd need a complete breakdown of who does what to fairly comment, Cooking, cleaning, ironing, dusting, hoovering, food shopping, clothes shopping for DC, other household shopping, cleaning windows, gardening, car maintenance, attending appointments with DC, sorting other appointments (ie boiler service, emergency repairs), monthly finance, savings, insurance. It all takes time.

We felt there was a similar situation with my BIL and his wife, and she worked less hours than him, he always seemed to be the one doing the hoovering, cooking, gardening, car maintenance - she only ever spoke of sorting clothes, but like I say I don't clearly know who did what else. Either way, he was clearly very happy and didn't seem worried about it, and they've been together 32 years.

Should I say something or just continue to bite my lip?

Hi OP the second option is correct. Although understandably very frustrating for you to witness

Don't say anything. If you live away then you've only seen a snippet I their life. I can tell you that my husband can put on quite a ‘show’ when we have guests. He’ll be super helpful and do more than usual to impress others. It actually annoys me!

You don't know how they divide things day to day and also what works for them. If she wasting all you describe, I wonder if you'd think your son was doing ‘nothing’ and be on at him?

People don't behave as they do normally when they have visitors. When my family are visiting, my husband does more to allow me time with my family and the same the other way round.

Ive come to the conclusion that the OP isn't genuine to this post. Ambiguous short replies with long time pauses...like she/he has had to invent add onto scenario

OP please DONT pull DIL for this , you will distance her then she may make seeing your grandchildren difficult.
Just ask your son when your alone if hes really ok, or if theres anything you can do to help.

I can almost guarantee that you don’t need to confront her. I bet she knows exactly how you feel. My MIL has always hated me. She’s never said so…. I can read a room.

Yes, my DH is the same. He finds his mother in particular quite draining to talk to, so would often leave me to entertain her when his DP visited, and dash around keeping busy.

No doubt it created a false impression, can quite imagine my MIL saying similar things to the OP to her friends etc

Snap 😁

How do you know all this? Did your son tell you about how badly he's being treated?

My DH finds his own Mum over bearing , and he doesn't enjoy entertaining guests so whenever she, or anyone is over he is like a man possessed, doing all the drinks, and chores for the kids to avoid socialising. Then he looks perfect but I have to make all the small talk. They are nice people, so I don't mind, but by no means do they get an accurate insight.

Another thing he likes to do is return his Mum's calls peak child tantrum, 'so she'll see how fucking busy we are'.

Don't say anything or judge her, make them both a cup of tea, and be proud you've raised a man that isnt a slacker.

Op, if you had a daughter with grandchildren, when you visited her, would you expect the husband to be doing all the hosting?
If you have a different expectation in your mind for certain scenarios depending on whether the person is male or female, then you are sexist.

Are you sure it's all the time and not just when you're there? When my dh invites his mum or any family over, the deal is that he does the cooking and sorting of the house and entertaining of family and dc. I often swan off to do something I enjoy and leave him to it. It's his family. It's not my job to run around sorting everything to facilitate their visits. If he had his way, he'd be doing 4 hours of DIY every time his mum visited to avoid having to spend time with her. So I purposively leave him with everything to do so that he doesn't run away to hide from her.

But realistically, if they are both working and she is the higher earner, maybe he feels that he wants to be more present with his children and at home because of the lack of relationship with his first child. Lots of women take on the bulk of childrearing and household duties because they would rather do that than miss out. Perhaps, while non-traditional, he's done the same?

As long as they are happy and he is not completely burnt out, someone has to do it, so it's a good thing for him that he is. Many children don't get the benefits of having a dad who is there and available and engaged in parenting them and running the household.

I completely understand you want the best for your son but please remember you’re seeing a snapshot of their day. When my in laws are over my dh does a lot of stuff because it’s his parents so he wants to show them he’s responsible and a hands on dad.

Has your son expressed any concerns of worries to you? Then if so of course give him advice but if he’s genuinely happy then I’d leave them to it.
You could always just check in with him and make sure he’s okay but try be mindful of what you say.

I think you need to put the stuff with his ex and her parents in the past. You’re dwelling a lot on it and putting your negative feelings towards her onto your new dil.

Hopefully your son and his partner have a good balance in their relationship. If he comes to you then listen to him and support him but I wouldn’t go starting an argument with her as it might result in your son falling out with you.

Maybe take a look at how you personally view 'roles' in the house.

What you don't see is your DIL 'mothering' your son?

Maybe that's what is triggering you?

Maybe the daughter in law simply expects that both her and her partner are equally capable of household chores.

When my SIL & BIL visit, my DH does all the cooking, peeling, loading dishwasher etc.
He disappears off out to the utility room with the saucepans.

It was the same when his parents were alive and used to visit us.

I mostly sit and chat to them, because he finds sitting talking to his family quite difficult!

How much of this info is observation and be how much from things your DS has said?
Maybe just ask nicely how things are going and how difficult it is looking after young DC when you both have busy jobs. Maybe make some constructive suggestions about time saving, getting a cleaner (if they can’t afford weekly every two weeks) to take the edge off while the kids are so young. Do not accuse!
When my in laws visit my DH suddenly does the food shopping and most of the cooking. Which is not how it is the the other 51 weeks of the year when they aren’t here. I guess he feels obliged as they are his parents and he should take the lead on hosting. It’s not representative of our day to day lives. It never occurred to me they might think he was hard done by!

When you visit, you are going to get a snapshot that doesn't necessarily reflect everyday life. I am guessing that your son leaps into Domestic God mode to impress you and keep your uncritical devotion coming while your DIL, who has picked up on the obvious fact that you really don't like her, keeps her distance.

People act wildly different when guests are over, I wouldn't be doing housework with guests in the house, thats bizarre. I assume you are coming to see your DS and grand kids rather than DIL (who you clearly are hostile too) so of course your DS would be managing your time with your grand kids not her.

You are also HIS guests not hers so why should she be expected to be hosting? its his event to have you over so of course its his job to be running around for it, its not 'woman work'.

It is clearly NOT representative of real life when you are not there. Keep your nose out of others relationships.

Does she do the nights? My second baby had bad reflux and the poor soul woke up to feed 8 to 10 times a night on average for the first six months of his life. Once, when he was ill with a cold I held him literally all night. I didn’t sleep for more than half an hour at a time for that six month stretch, except when my husband took him from 6-8am so I could get a 2 hour stint in. So if your grandchild is like this, then yes, your son should step in when he’s around.

With my first I had very bad birth injuries, and was told by the physio to walk and stand for as little as possible for a good few months. My back was also in a terrible state and I survived on Codydramol, ibuprofen and a TENS machine attached to my back. When my husband got home, he absolutely did hold our daughter just to allow me to move around and alleviate the pain a bit. So, there are often reasons. And even if there aren’t, he should be looking after his child when he’s not at work, and doing household chores. That’s his job as a father, and as a person who lives in their house!

With respect, you don't know the full story. Either you are making judgements based on your own perceptions/expectations as an outsider to the marriage, or you are only getting one side of the story from your son. Either way, it is not your place to get involved. If your son is complaining to you about this situation then I would be encouraging him to discuss the issue with his wife. If he is not, and the situation seems to be working for them, then it's their business. It's natural to feel concerned about your son, but focussing on keeping the lines of communication open with him and remaining on good terms with his wife is going to work out better in the long run than trying to directly insert yourself into their marriage.