Living with ex who cannot move out, reality check needed!

[WaveringAverter]

I'm hoping to canvass some opinions about my home situation. I'm living with my ex-partner in a house that is now too expensive due to a lovely 30% mortgage interest increase (it was already a bit too expensive for my liking when I bought it two years ago, but I could manage).

My partner and I (both 45-50s, no kids) have been together for about 6 years and we moved in together during COVID. That worked well, and we decided to get a new house. However, his business had completely stopped during COVID and he was talking about taking another job, but this new job has not really materialised. In fact, his business had been failing for a long time, but he could manage for >10 years with a frugal lifestyle.

Now it's two years later and I've now broken up with him a few months ago. I fell out of love gradually due to his lack of ambition and what I perceive as overall passivity. I have made it clear on several occasions I do not want to be responsible for a grown man and do not want to pay for the house by myself. We get along fine and can live together ok. He has done DIY in the house and pays half the bills and food shop but does not contribute to the mortgage or pay rent.

I want to be able to move on with my life (I have met someone new but this is on hold due to my situation) and ideally sell the house next year and buy something cheaper for just me (and of course it's the worst time ever to sell a house...)

I feel extremely guilty for wanting him to leave and his reasoning that I have the house in any case and don't need the space, so what is the problem? He also did not want to split up. I do not want him to contribute to the mortgage or pay rent as to not give him a stake in the home and allow him to save.

I would like him to move out in 6 months time (really ASAP), but I am a bit of a softy and fear I will not be able to go through with it. However, he cannot move out as he has no steady income and him moving to a shared accommodation would mean he would lose his business as well. I would ruin his life, effectively. I never thought I would such a wet lettuce!

How can I get out of this situation and still remain friends ideally? Please give me the kick up my arse that I need!

It's deliberate incompetence that many men demonstrate to ensure their needs are met by their partner without them having to lift a finger. That's why most women initiate divorces. We are tired of parenting man babies. Then men act all shocked and state it came out of nowhere, despite us telling them to step up for years or sometimes even decades.

"I didn't do anything"

EXACTLY

Do you know why so many men do this? because they can. because women - partners or parent - allow them to. we enable them. we fall for this shit. if we didnt allow them to do it then they couldnt.

Thread after thread "I just dont know why he does it. can anyone explain to me why" yes, he does it because he can.

"I feel guilty because my partner is behaving like a shit" why do you feel guilty? because you are allowing your partner to MAKE you feel guilty.

If the roles were reversed do you imagine for one minute he would be as understanding and compassionate as you have been/are being?
Stop being nice... he is playing you.
I do not believe he has no money to move out... he just does not want to.
And as long as you enable him, he won't

@Bonbon21 he has money, saved from not contributing to my mortgage costs. To be fair, he wanted to contribute to the mortgage via a deed of trust, but I declined and offered we set him up as a lodger instead, which he declined.

I do wonder whether he would be as nice to me, I am curious. If I'd asked him: would you house me indefinitely, while I have £££ in the bank and have screwed up my credit rating due to passive negligence? He'd say yes, but I'm not so sure he would actually do it. Also, I would have been in an AirBNB within a week and in survival mode.

Threads likes this make me hate men.

OP, I'm sorry to have to say I told you so but this was, sadly, inevitable. This passive behaviour from him is just another way to ensure you never kick him out. I can't believe you even feel sorry for him when he has money in the bank! MIndblowing. he's really done a number on you - I bet he is manipulative in 1000 other ways too.

I probably don't sound sympathetic but I am. I can't emphasise enough that I agree with other posters though - get him out. You gave him notification of a leave data and he has not adhered to that, you have every right to simply refuse him access. I you were an actual landlord (which of course, you're not as he's paying NOTHING), you wouldn't be in the slightest bit interested in the fact that a tenant claims to have nowhere to go. You'd still expect them to be gone on the day you told them they had to gone by.

Tell him he has until the weekend. Then be prepared to simply refuse him access and put his stuff in one room (he can collect it at your convenience) and get on with your life.

@OhBling I wish all this stuff fitted in one room! He has the garage, a greenhouse, a double bedroom/office, part of the conservatory, and most of the loft! I moved in from a two bedroom and have less stuff than him (as I don't hoard)

I have not done myself any favours by being true to my username and being nice when I should have been firm... Lesson not yet learnt!

Tell him he needs to clear out the garage by the end of the year.

Find out your legal rights for getting it emptied with or without his help. Once the garage is empty you can get all his shit moved in there.

It's not like he is doing anything else with his time!

@WaveringAverter why has the lesson not yet been learned though? absolutely no one thinks he should be staying in your home. Did you see my post? you have only two choices here. and if you choose option 1 then just get on with it and put up with this shit for ever. what a total waste of your life this all is and just because you wont get a grip and move him out.

He does this and behaves like this because he can. he isnt going to change, why should he. he is laughing at you working your socks off to keep the home going.

what is it going to take to make you take action? Maybe wait another 5 years, 10 maybe?

So what is preventing you from telling him to leave, or getting an occupation order if he is refusing?

@RMNofTikTok I find it extremely uncomfortable to be firm while living with him. I have never been in this situation before (well, I have, but on the previous occasion the person I lived with found a place to stay within a week). This is why I leave on weekends, and every Monday we have another difficult chat..

I can feel your collective exasperation at my being such a wet lettuce! I feel the same when reading other people's threads in similar situations. I have NO problem getting the message out, but am not firm enough to keep it up while living with him. I think this is the reason why so many people (well, women) end up in a prolonged situation like this.

At work, elsewhere, it's easy, I stay firm and walk away, but this situation turn out to be an achilles heel! It's actually much more difficult that I thought to keep firm and stick to my point, it takes negative energy and I cared about this man for nearly 6 years. The love is definitely gone now, and I doubt whether any friendship remains.

I understand it's hard to be properly "mean" to him but honestly, pretend you are an actual landlord. Okay, yes, unlike an actual landlord you have not been receiving rent which would include a buffer to take into account shitty tenants and the cost of kicking them out but that's a separate issue.

Tell him to be gone by the end of the week. He will ignore you, of course, so have a locksmith booked or on standby for the moment he leaves the house for any reason (don't tell him that in advance - it just gives him a reason to never so much as step outside). Even better if he has a hobby or event he attends regularly so you can plan around it.

If you don't want to get rid of his stuff today, tell him you'll let him leave his stuff all over your house until after Christmas. After which, if he does not get rid of it, you will hire a "man with a van" to take it all to the skip for you.

No not exasperated at all, I wondered if you might be fearful because he's likely to go into a rage, and I'm wondering if you are the victim of controlling and coercive behaviour. This is why I keep telling you to apply for an occupation order. If you could be in danger you could apply for one without putting him on notice and have him removed by court bailiffs if necessary.

Even if you are not the victim of DA (but to me it sounds like you are!) you have legal options open to you, and your life will be so much better when he is gone. Not sending any judgement at all, rather, a virtual hand hold 😊

Find out the local rate for renting a garage. Bingo contract and rental income from that does not give him any right to your home.

Seriously what are the legal steps you need to take?

Write him a letter of eviction and he can present to the council homeless. Some sort of hostel or bed will be provided. If it isn't then perhaps his friends and family will step up.

This man is already costing you money!

Him out and a lodger in.

@RandomMess he will have too many funds to be helped by any homeless shelter, I suspect. He also won't get benefits for that reason. I am exasperated myself, I told him years ago to give up his business and get a job. And now he has to do that in order to live.

@RMNofTikTok I am not under coercive control and not afraid of him. He, on the other hand, has stated that I have been abusive in the past. His evidence: I once threw a wooden spoon at him - and missed - after he threatened to douse me with a garden hose for fun after I had just done my hair/clothes/make-up, and I dared to pull him up on his lack of assertion when it came to reviving his business/find a job. I am 'controlling' apparently. Seriously, I will be the 'controlling ex'. He already has an ex who 'when crazy'. I should not have ignored these red flags. Sorry if this is a drip feed, but all these issues came to light after I posted initially.

So you're not under coercive control, but he calls you a see you next Tuesday, refuses to get a job so leaves you with financial burden, cries mental health when you try to leave him, refuses to move out of your house (aka ignoring boundaries) and tried to prevent you from going out by threatening to spray you with a hose pipe, as well as using DARVO to make you out to be the perp?

I'm sure if we dug deeper there would be more. He sounds controlling and coercive to me!

@WaveringAverter but you are in fact being controlled by him. Here's one definition of a controlling relationship from Australia: "A controlling relationship is one where one partner dominates the other in an unhealthy, self-serving manner. If your partner constantly makes you feel intimidated, insecure, or guilty, you could be in a controlling relationship."

He controls you with guilt. That is as much an emotionally abusive tactic as controlling you with fear or with threats.

I'm also not surprised at ALL to hear that he has claimed you are abusive. Or that he has a crazy ex. These are all part of the pattern. So telling you he has a crazy ex, or that you are abusive, are brilliant control techniques because they make you hesitant todo things, or put boundaries in place, that the rest of us wouldn't question.

even the spoon throwing - yup, not ideal behaviour from you. But that's reactive. Controlling partners are very very good at causing reactive behaviours that they then use as another way to control their victim - "see, the way you behaved is completely unacceptable. This is what I have to put up with." It's also a very good way to extend that control by using it against them in public "I have to put up with her tantrums and hysterics, I'm such a saint." and sadly, because we live in a deeply misogynist society, it's astonishing how often this works.

@GingerIsBest Yep accusing her of being abusive is DARVO.

Deflect
Attack
Reverse
Victim and
Offender

It's a very obvious emotional abuse tactic!

Sorry, just to expand on that. If that situation with the spoon had happened between me and DH (I mean, obviously it wouldn't because he wouldn't be a dick in the first place but let's just imagine), he might well tell me that throwing something at him was totally unacceptable. I would, most likely, agree with him and apologise. But I would also say something like, "I will never do that again, but to be clear, you threatening to spray me down with a hose is also not acceptable" and I would 100% expect an apology.

Yeah my ex always used to use the fact that I sprayed him with a shower meant that I was abusive but what he failed to disclose to others is that he had in fact being harassing me about spending my own money for 2 hours prior then followed me into the bathroom by unlocking it from the outside and was stood next to the shower continuing to berate me. Reactive abuse is real!

I thought he was a nice guy with anxiety issues until 12 years down the line when I was trying to leave him for the 100th time and he attempted to attack me with a glass bottle! I ended up getting a non molestation order.

I work as a McKenzie friend now, and I can just see the pattern so clearly. Sadly a lot of women that experience this don't even realise it could be abuse until you unpick it with them.

He could rent a storage space and take all his stuff there.

Yes. exBIL accused SIL of attacking and hitting him. And to my eternal shame, I had a moment of "oh shit, this relationship is so toxic, what did she do?" even though he was a consistent distorter of the truth.

the situation he refers to is a day, after they were broken up and, I can't remember but I think he'd even finally moved out or was about to. He was outraged about an event to which she'd been invited and he had not. He followed her into her bedroom after she told him to leave her alone then he grabbed her phone so that he could check the details of this event. He refused to give it back to her. She was attempting to grab it - he is much bigger, and much taller than her. She grabbed his arm and was basically wrestling with him to get the phone.

The really really sad part is that when she told me this story, he had already told her that she was physically abusive to him and she believed him. She told me how ashamed she was of her behaviour. He had invaded her personal space, stolen her personal property and she was defending herself

Come on OP - you gave him 6 weeks, it's been 8 weeks and he's still there. Tell him he needs to be out by the end of today. If that means he has to stay in a premier inn or someone's sofa so be it. He has the money.....

Once he's gone tell him his stuff has to be gone by the end of January otherwise you will hire a skip and dump it.

Um… why haven’t you changed the locks and called the police if he tries to get back in? If he’s got money he can get an air bnb for a few weeks and put his stuff into storage. You need to grow a pair and stop being walked all over, it’s ridiculous.

He has funds and savings!!!

Seriously change the locks.

@WaveringAverter - if I were you I'd post in Legal Matters to ask about your rights and obligations regarding his belongings. I know that there are certain steps landlords have to take before they can dispose of stuff left behind by tenants. Your situation is obviously different, but there may be a formal process you need to go through before you can simply get rid of his stuff.

However, I agree with everyone else: tell him he needs to be gone by Saturday and line up a locksmith to get the locks changed.