Living with ex who cannot move out, reality check needed!

[WaveringAverter]

I'm hoping to canvass some opinions about my home situation. I'm living with my ex-partner in a house that is now too expensive due to a lovely 30% mortgage interest increase (it was already a bit too expensive for my liking when I bought it two years ago, but I could manage).

My partner and I (both 45-50s, no kids) have been together for about 6 years and we moved in together during COVID. That worked well, and we decided to get a new house. However, his business had completely stopped during COVID and he was talking about taking another job, but this new job has not really materialised. In fact, his business had been failing for a long time, but he could manage for >10 years with a frugal lifestyle.

Now it's two years later and I've now broken up with him a few months ago. I fell out of love gradually due to his lack of ambition and what I perceive as overall passivity. I have made it clear on several occasions I do not want to be responsible for a grown man and do not want to pay for the house by myself. We get along fine and can live together ok. He has done DIY in the house and pays half the bills and food shop but does not contribute to the mortgage or pay rent.

I want to be able to move on with my life (I have met someone new but this is on hold due to my situation) and ideally sell the house next year and buy something cheaper for just me (and of course it's the worst time ever to sell a house...)

I feel extremely guilty for wanting him to leave and his reasoning that I have the house in any case and don't need the space, so what is the problem? He also did not want to split up. I do not want him to contribute to the mortgage or pay rent as to not give him a stake in the home and allow him to save.

I would like him to move out in 6 months time (really ASAP), but I am a bit of a softy and fear I will not be able to go through with it. However, he cannot move out as he has no steady income and him moving to a shared accommodation would mean he would lose his business as well. I would ruin his life, effectively. I never thought I would such a wet lettuce!

How can I get out of this situation and still remain friends ideally? Please give me the kick up my arse that I need!

Sorry, to clarify, I mean in terms of calling a lawyer and making life difficult. I have some experience with this as a family member is in a not dissimilar situation. Her freeloader has fought tooth and nail to stay - by being passive aggressive, simply not moving out, refusing to do any childcare/school runs for weeks after she tells him he has to go, taking her car when SHE has to do the school run etc. In addition to the endless bitching and shouting at her in person and via text message, attempts to vilify her to friends and family and, ultimately, a string of messages about having to live in his car....

so don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he'll just passively accept it. I'm just saying that as he doesn't have a leg to stand on anyway, he's not going to go to the effort of finding and employing a lawyer to claim he has some rights.

You see it on MN all the time - threats to take women to court for financial reasons, child custody etc. But in almost every case, nothing materialises. The threats, however, are endless, upsetting and often effective.

I do have some burly hobby friends who already think he's in the wrong and needs to shape up and I am a lettuce for allowing this situation to continue.

You feel had 7 pages of people telling you to kick him out.

Why are you still dithering?

@PaminaMozart I have set a deadline, sent an email and that is all I want to do for now. I think 6 weeks is fair and I do appreciate he needs some time to set things up. I do not want to be worse than an evicting landlord!

Get that move out date on your phone as an alarm and it will let you know when the time is up.

watch out for the nice guy emerging don’t fall for it then he’ll revert back to nasty again and it’ll repeat.

photograph the house in case he damages anything as he might. Photos are date stamped.

plus stop cooking for him take away his easy life. No communication other than are you leaving. Deadline is soon. Grey rock him with non committal comments.

you can do this and are doing this for you

Don’t even compare yourself, at least he was paying the landlord rent!!

Dear all who have responded on this thread. Thanks so much for your support, reality checks, stories, and tips. It was really useful and I hope others in the same situation will benefit from your wisdom.

I will be stepping back a bit from the thread and start getting things in my house in order while staying strong. I will drop in to check and will let you know how everything panned out in the end.

Best of luck, Op

Good luck with it all. Thinking of you

Good luck. Hopefully the update is really boring, "he's gone. Life is great".

He's not making himself intentionally homeless, don't worry about that - he has no home rights to be in your house - he has nowhere of his own to live because of the relationship breakdown. You have asked him to leave, he needs to leave. He doesn't have a right to stay on, so it's not intentional.

I would move his stuff into the smallest bedroom and start advertising for a lodger tbh. Get the message through that he has zero rights and he is merely a lodger that is being no board.

He can move out. He will have to find a house share , a room or a bedsit. It isn't down to you to give him a rent free accommodation. Get your house ready to sell and give him plenty of notice, preferably a letter via a solicitor so he is totally clear when he has to move out by.

An update as promised. It's now nearly two months later, and he is still here. Some developments have taken place. He moped for around a month, and then seemed to spring into action. He viewed about 5 flats, and then tried to find out his credit score. He then discovered he has a CCJ (County court judgments) for one of his old utilities that he thought has gone away as he cancelled with them (but never got confirmation). SO this CCJ is screwing up his chances to get a place. He then talked to friends and found a place through one of them, which then fell through after a week to the person 'suddenly needing to sell their house'. So he is now back to moping and has seen all of 1 places this week. He has appealed the CCJ (which also took a week...) and is applying for jobs as well. I think he will be in a much better position to get a rental place in 3-4 months, but I am not willing to host him here.

We had a conversation where he admitted that I was right that he was in fact dependent on me. He never took me seriously when I told him he desperately needed to get his work situation sorted out as I was carrying him and had not signed up for that. So now he is desperate as he seems to have not realised how dire the rental situation is.

I am beyond fed up. He is playing the victim and hiding away as much as possible in his room. That works to the extent that I keep forgetting he is here, and then get startled when I run into him, or irritated when he's left the heating on, etc. I will email him today to tell him he needs to get out, with some links to AirBNB places that rent rooms for a month or so.

So, TLDR: it's as expected, it's extremely difficult to get a wedged-in leeching ex out of the house. He is playing the mental health/depression card and is hardly sleeping because of stress. I know all of you will say: change the locks! Throw him out now! I'd happily change the locks, but that will cost me more money. Especially since I will also need other hire movers to get all his stuff out (I have a wrist injury so cannot lift things and he has a lot of stuff), and I don't want to get 'burly friends ' 'throw it into my small front garden or pay to hire a skip! I've paid for enough!

I wonder if I might feel differently if he'd be paying me rent. Thus far the only thing he contributes is half of the bills plus he takes care of my animals as I am away every weekend to have to be at home with him. I was at home for one weekend and it was so annoying! I want my house back!

Has anyone ever contested a CCJ and how long did it take for it to get removed?

Has anyone ever contested a CCJ and how long did it take for it to get removed?

There's no point getting dragged into this. It's just the latest gambit to delay his eviction.

You don't want to spend any money on getting him out but what is this inertia costing you, both emotionally and financially? He's hardly doing you a favour by looking after the animals if the only reason you can't do it is you're spending every weekend away to avoid being in the house with him.

You're going to pay the money to change the locks and hire the movers eventually - you'll want to change the locks after he's gone, and he absolutely will claim he can't afford the movers himself. So I would accept those as sunk costs to get him out and keep him out.

Have you talked to friends and family about the situation? I think it might help you to make this thing real.

What @tribpot said. Time to get tough and act.

@tribpot thanks. I have spoken to my family, but they live overseas and cannot be of immediate help. I've not spoken to friends much as they have their own shit and I haven't seen them much. His family and friends are also supportive, but not to the extent they have offered their spare room, unfortunately ;-)

It is a point of principle that I do not want to arrange his stuff for him. He is a grown man and can rent storage for his stuff and move into a room temporarily. This is about survival, not preferences. I've been in similar situations, and didn't sit around moping, but just got on with it and sorted it. Plus I tend to have my ducks in a row and I would have NEVER let a court judgment creep up on me like that.

I probably do not understand mental health issues, and especially not this passive reaction of sitting around doing nothing but being anxious. One of the reasons for the breakup is that I cannot stand passive people and refuse to be in a relationship with one of them. Or live with them.

Oh for God's sake OP, you're not his mum, tell him he's out by Christmas and that you'll be changing the locks and depositing his stuff outside.

You said yourself you've been a wet lettuce about this.

It's time he took responsibility for himself instead of cocklodging in your house.

@WaveringAverter you have 2 choices - just the two.

Choice 1 - you wait for him to move out. This isnt going to happen EVER. there will always be a reason why. some will be plausible and some pathetic. but there will ALWAYS be a reason why he cant go.

Choice 2 - you sort it out. get packing boxes, start packing up his stuff, find a local storage place, pay the rent on it for a month and make it clear thats it after a month its down to him, pick a date and say on this date the locks are being changed. you can change the locks yourself plenty of youtube videos on how to to this and it will cost minimal amount.

There is no third choice. You need rid of him, he wont do it himself so you will have to do it.

I cannot stand passive people and refuse to be in a relationship with one of them. Or live with them.

Except you are living with him (and arguably have been pretty passive yourself about this, although I accept you have given him his marching orders, he just hasn't taken them).

I completely understand why you don't want to pay for stuff for him but (a) since he's a grown man you also don't need to send him AirBnB links, or investigate CCJ appeals and (b) you're not paying for it for him. You're paying for it for you. To be rid of him.

Your job isn't to teach him self-reliance, it's to get him the fuck out of your house as soon as possible. You keep expecting him to behave the way you would if the situation were reversed. It's never gonna happen.

Aaah, the old "I have mental health issues so I can't do any of these things that a normal adult would do". Strangely, these mental health issues only appear at the point at which the other party starts to refuse to continue to let them freeload.

As @tribpot said - it's all part of his long-term plan to NOT move out. his CCJ or whatever is totally not your problem, not your business. You gave him notice, now he must go.

And yes, changing locks and organising to have his stuff removed is not ideal and bloody irritating, but might be the ONLY option. If you have a garage, you could kick him out, put all his stuff in your garage and tell him that when he's ready, you'll make a plan for him to come and collect it.

He doesn't need to contest the CCJ. If he has mental health difficulties he can go to the local authority and make a homelessness application.

You can also apply for an occupation order to have him removed if he is refusing to leave.

Remember, he's not your husband, he's your partner. If the house is in your sole name, you can easily have him removed through an occupation order. Get rid. He's being manipulative.

Am with @tribpot on this.... time he was off.

Just to add, I am so so so so tired of men like this. I've read multiple threads with some version of this. I know a woman in real life who is housing her homeless, jobless ex.

It's so fascinating how often mental health that is THIS debilitating happens to men who were, prior to this terrible mental health crisis, generally a bit shit.

Sigh.

If a middle aged man with no dependents is unable to support himself, I’d say his life is ruined but you can’t take any responsibility for that, he’s clearly made his own bad decisions!

Act now OP otherwise you’ll still be dithering 6, 12months, possibly years down the line carrying this dead weight