Do you think mums of boys treat their partners differently to mums of daughters? My mother-in-law is so cold!

[Flutterby10]

I don’t know what it it but my mother in law is really cold towards me. On the other hand my mum is just her normal talkative self around my partner.

My mother in law has 2 sons. I’m now not sure what is wrong really. Well apart form the fact she doesn’t like me much. We spend equal time. Not that I want to spend time with her as she doesn’t talk to me, it’s very awkward. She doesn’t even offer me a drink. She will often say who would like a tea and I’ll say yes please. She will then not make anything.

Why do they act like this? Surely it’s nice to happy and accepting as that makes a nice happy family atmosphere. I have a 11 month old and I am getting to the point I don’t want to visit if they don’t like me and act like this in front of my daughter.

What is the expectation of a MIL and in whose eyes? Can we not treat them as a àpotential friend snd respect differences in opinion. You have something, lots ,in common thats why you have been thrown together.

Perhaps but I’ve turned to mine for support and met with nothing. I’d love for her to be a potential friend but she won’t even great me we a hello how are you. I took them all lunch round the other day as partner was helping with something and none of them had eaten. I mean she ate the food but not so much as a thanks. I put the food down and said I thought you’d all like something to eat, she didn’t even look at me.

If you going to push yourself out you will end up being left out.

@Julimia the expectation I would have thought would be to welcome your partners choice of partner, to get to know them, to be kind and respectful, to offer help and support if you can if they need it. How can a relationship grow if you offer nothing? What’s the point in being like this, what does it achieve for anyone?

Some women have internalised the misogynistic view that all other women are competition (you also see it in the cool girls rhetoric and the pick me dances where bagging a man is the ultimate goal, or in the i trust my wonderful Nigel, but not that Sara at work).

If they have this view then means they will view their DIL/MIL as opponents to squash or a competition for dominance.

Look on baby threads about the bizarre devastation that some people express about having a boy. It's all wrapped up in the same old shit (a daughter is yours for life but a son is only yours until he has a wife).

For women who don't hold this weird worldview it seems odd.

It’s a stupid view to have. I’m not in competition with anyone. I’m just trying to do my best and sometimes I struggle and could do with some support. I don’t like that I’m starting to dislike her, it makes life not so nice and I really don’t want this in my life. It’s not partners mum after all and I don’t intentionally want to hurt him.

She has this certain view and I don’t particularly fit it. I’m me. She likes to know what happening with everything and everyone in the village and I’m not interested in what others do. She knows everyone and everyone’s movements. I have nothing to say as don’t know what others are doing. I’m just trying to cope with 2 kids and one that hasn’t slept in the whole times she has been born. She makes comments I pack to much when I go away or eg I should just put the baby in a box on holiday, who needs stuff etc.

Have you actually said mil you don't seem to like me very much what have I done to upset you? I'd definitely call her out

Not sure that would change anything.

I completely agree with you Flutterby10. It's a stupid view and it causes conflict.

The problem with that view, at least from what I've seen on MN, is that it doesn't matter how reasonable the other person is, if either the MIL/DIL has that outlook there's problems.

It sounds like she likes to be a bit of a busybody and in everyone's business, and probably quite likes other people fawning over her inputs but doesn't like practically helping.She booked a holiday after you and your DH asked for help following a difficult birth, but keeps offering her critical inputs on your parenting. She's not going to change unfortunately.

I think the best you can do is keep being polite and not get dragged into her gossip and issues.

I don’t know why it bothers me so much. I just guess having grown up with an unwell mum who got depressed a lot and then entered a decade long abusive marriage I’m just fed up of not living a nice life and having people make me doubt myself whether I’m likeable or not. I don’t want to live with this dynamic forever.

My sister doesn't like her son's partner. She treats her with politeness but it will never be anything more. She admits that she feels a woman she would never consider as any sort of friend has been randomly wished into her life.

Everyone can't like you. You can't like everyone. You say yourself you have bad relationships with women. Why can't you just be polite to each other and leave it at that?

Accepting that you’re not liked when someone is civil to you is a completely different ball game to being ignored and someone blatantly choosing to ignore your need (like when you ask for a drink). Do you need this woman to like you, absolutely not, although that would be nice. Do you need this woman to show you respect and not put you in a position where your child sees you being disrespected and not being advocated for, absolutely. In my opinion it’s your partners responsibility to advocate for you and so if he cannot say to his mother I need you to not ignore her then I would be telling him you wont allow your child to witness that.

I am polite to her but it’s not reciprocated.

I think you need to get out of victim mentality and unobjectively determine why your mil seems to like your bil’s gf but not you. Is it actually to do with you, or has your DP’s adhd meant his behaviour in childhood hasn’t been ideal?

DB has adhd and he was an obnoxious, violent addict (if he was even at home) for most of his childhood - he couldn’t help it. But Mum spent 25 years worried sick about him so when sil came into the picture she was a bit resentful that she couldn’t just pass on the baton as sil has her own issues & so DNs are constantly at mum’s for childcare. She adores my other brother’s gf because she’s independant, looks after her kids alone while working a really responsible job, and is just more her type of person.

Flutterby10
You can be the ripest, juiciest, most tasty peach in the whole universe and there's always going to be someone who doesn't like peaches.

This woman has no impact on how likeable you are. Your worth doesn't come from her.

I would probably try to reframe the situation from "why doesn't she like me? Does she like me?" to something more like "I will remain polite and civil because she is DH's mum. I have the right to be treated civilly and with respect because I am his wife".
If she's rude or unpleasant then your DH needs to stand up for you and keep a united front. Otherwise let her keep to her gossiping and silly comments.

No one gets to choice their family members partners (well in certain cultures they do). That’s a rubbish excuse to ignore the mother of their granddaughter and sons partner. You’ve got to make an effort.

She sounds impolite and a bit withdrawn.
You sound polite and a bit pushy. Or needy.
Maybe if you back off, she'll move forward.

However, my ds would have jumped up and make his girlfriend a cup of tea from the first (not that it would have happened in my house, where everyone is offered tea, or anything else they like.) So maybe your partner needs to polish up his manners too.

@JustAMinutePleass I don’t know why they get on more, she has been around a lot longer then I have tho. She is very anxious, never worked, can’t because she worries about everything, doesn’t drive, isn’t independent just stays at home all day everyday with the children. The partners food is prepared all his stuff done, she is great house wife. She is from the same are so know the same people.

Im not pushy in real life at all, I try then I withdraw because there doesn’t seem much point. I have suffered with anxiety in the past but have done a lot of work to get over it. Worked and paid 75% of my house off myself whereas other gf never worked and the partner has done it all. Before my partner moved in I renovated myself learning all the techniques. I’m polite, when they (if they) come over I make drinks and snacks etc. I’m not perfect at all but I can’t see a reason to be like this. The baby is just the cutest, partner is happy and is a great dad and we doing our best with very little support.

Ive got older lady friends at work who are so kind and say they are my surrogate mum and nanny to children because they don’t understand why I’m treated this way.

I guess it could be anything.

@strawberriesarenot its not really the point, she asked and just because it was me that said yes she wouldn’t make it. Of course he would get up and make me one.

Well, you have just explained it. Your MIL is a bit different. She sounds old fashioned and insecure. My own MIL was of a different culture and country. She never babysat for an hour in all the decades I knew her. I realised very early on that she wouldn't change, and she must have known the same about me. It didn't matter that we didn't understand (or really like) each other, mostly because her manners were charming, and mine were good enough, and that's how we got through the years.

@strawberriesarenot I think the moment I said her son WILL be changing nappies was the turning point. She said nappies are a pink job and I said no it’s the 21st century.

I have 5 sons and would never treat their partners this way I'd at least make an effort to get to know them even if I had a bad feeling about them ( my gut is not often wrong ) .
Not all MIL are like this I think some woman are just plain mean and don't like losing attention from their precious son

Maybe let your son speak for himself. My nephew's partner speaks for him all the time. eg. 'Would you like a cup of tea, A?' 'Actually, he's just had one.'
and yep, 'He will be changing nappies.'

i Think your mother in law is just a bit of a cow tbh. I don’t think mothers of boys are nasty I think people are. I’m a mum of boys (4) and I’m neither nasty or vindictive. My boys have had girlfriends who I’ve got on with and you have to respect their choices!! They will be the mothers of grandchildren one day, which is exciting and I want to get on with them and have a nice relationship.

sorty your mil is crap op, has her son not put her straight, I wouldn’t visit!!
ige been lucky, my mil to first husband wasn’t into me, but we rubbed along she passed recently which was sad for my boys. Then ex partner mother is lovely and current boyfriend mum is just lovely too.

I don’t speak for him at all. I’m never really part of the conversation. It’s always about things either before my day, people or events I’m not part of. It’s never about something relating to us that I can join in.

@Flutterby10 it does sound like you are both very different and have completely different values. It’s very hard, but I have definitely also heard worse stories about insecure MILs as well, please don’t take it on you to feel bad about yourself because of how she behaves. Try to remember that her opinions that she may or may not have about you are her issue rather than yours. You might not be able to easily get to a polite grounding with each other. The older people get it seems the harder it is for them to change as well so unfortunately expecting her to change her behaviour may only end in disappointment. So I suppose the only thing you can do is figure out a way to not feel anxious and to let it ride over you somehow maybe?

I am maybe not being clear in this messaging, do feel free to contact me though as I do feel like I could very easily relate to you ! I have been having a lot of therapy to deal with the following issues from an abusive ex and now difficulties with MIL which would be otherwise lovely relationship with my partner!