Do you think mums of boys treat their partners differently to mums of daughters? My mother-in-law is so cold!

[Flutterby10]

I don’t know what it it but my mother in law is really cold towards me. On the other hand my mum is just her normal talkative self around my partner.

My mother in law has 2 sons. I’m now not sure what is wrong really. Well apart form the fact she doesn’t like me much. We spend equal time. Not that I want to spend time with her as she doesn’t talk to me, it’s very awkward. She doesn’t even offer me a drink. She will often say who would like a tea and I’ll say yes please. She will then not make anything.

Why do they act like this? Surely it’s nice to happy and accepting as that makes a nice happy family atmosphere. I have a 11 month old and I am getting to the point I don’t want to visit if they don’t like me and act like this in front of my daughter.

My MIL was a terror when I first had the kids. Funnily enough when her own son started acting like a twat to her I stuck up for her and low and behold, she’s backed down and been much more friendly 😂

And your H will keep on begging her (as he has been conditioned and or otherwise trained to do in that family) and she in her own way will keep saying no. I would stay well away from MIL going forward as she is not a nice person to be at all around. You've also stated she is controlling; controlling people are abusive in nature so all bets are off when it comes to her. It is not possible to have a relationship with someone like she.

You need to drop the rope that is being held out to you here. Your mother is nice and importantly emotionally healthy so I would further maintain that relationship.

Why do you endure being disrespected by her, knowingly?

stop visiting, remove yourself from her view. DH can visit with the baby, but you can do your own thing and see it has bonus ‘me time’.

Yes sometimes mother’s can’t accept their sons finding love (my own MIL included) and ultimately it’s her loss.
She has limited relationship with me, I’m a stone around her nowadays. In fact I have vowed given recent behaviour she won’t see me until Christmas; I’ve told DH to go visit her and not to invite them to our house. If they do come I’ll go for a walk or head out.
I have also told my husband that by not standing up for me he’s a facilitator to her bad behaviour towards me. As is your DH. My DH sees that now and promises he’ll never leave me alone with her.

so manage her out of your life, put you first.

It’s a bit of a generalisation, OP. I mean, maybe she just doesn’t like you as an individual? That’s why IL relationships can be tricky — they’re only in your life because of who you married, they’re not people you chose, or grew up with. You don’t sound (understandably) as if you’re crazy about her either. Just write it off as a collegial relationship that can stay civil, no more.

You really need to push this back on your partner as while in the here and now it may seem minor, it’s likely to get worse if left unchecked and you don’t want your child to see their mother being treated rudely without either of her parents setting boundaries about what’s ok. In the immediate I’d arrange a visit and during the visit try and highlight things to your partner. Ask for a tea and when it isn’t provided ask your partner to make you a tea. Then immediately following the visit highlight how you were treated. Then arrange another visit and see if you get the same. If so following that visit tell your partner you’re not prepared to go there until there is some kind of resolution, which should force him to talk to his mother. That way you’ve given both of them opportunities to address things before setting a hard boundary.

He may want to maintain a relationship with his mother(again out of FOG; fear, obligation and guilt) but it does not follow that your child or you should have to.

Your H does not have your back when it comes to his mother (through both his inertia and conditioning) so you are going to have to advocate for your own self and start saying no to any future visits to her. He is as Changedmymind99 rightly states her facilitator to her bad behaviour towards you and in turn he as her son.

Yeah sorry I shouldn’t have generalised, I should have written why is “she” like this and not “they”. I think she is like this full stop with everyone, very controlling.

My partner does have emotional issues, perhaps it’s the adhd but I think he has attachment issues, especially with his things. The other son I’m not sure about, he makes inappropriate jokes in front of his partner that I find really offensive, she is extremely anxious and I think he is controlling.

It's just your MIL.

Mine is an equal opportunities hater - all her DILs and SILs have bonded over her awfulness.

drink. She will often say who would like a tea and I’ll say yes please. She will then not make anything.
That's very rude. I love my DIL, she is a wonderful person, we get on great, equally my 2 sons in law. Nobody gets treated differently here. My DC often joke I prefer their other halves to them 🤣

She sounds awful and your husband is badly letting you down by allowing this nonsense to carry on. You really don’t have to visit or make time for people who treat you like this. If your husband wants to visit then he can do that alone.

I don’t understand why you want her help with your children when she treats you with such disdain. She won’t be complimentary about you to your children when she has them alone.

What is this re attachment issues re his things all about; again that is likely linked to his childhood. He likely has emotional issues linked to that too; this man needs therapy.

His family of origin is certainly not a happy and emotionally healthy unit. I would stay away from your MIL and your BIL also going forward.

Not all relatives are nice and kind and some of them remain actively abusive towards others. Your mother in law falls into this latter category and your BIL sounds like a carbon copy of his own mother.

Your now H certainly lucked out in the family of origin lottery. Do read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward.

My MiL has 4 sons, no daughters, three of her four sons have wives/partners and one is single. She is not cold at all- she's actually told us all she loves having us around as she doesn't have a daughter so loves getting to have relationships with her DiLs.
Don't get me wrong she has her character flaws, and it was harder work getting to know her at the start, but we have built up a really good relationship.
I dont think it's a mother of sons issue. Its a personality and character issue on her part by the sound of it.

It sounds like she's just generally not very pleasant. My MIL is never like this, she bent over backwards to make me feel welcome.
Although we don't tend to host each other now, we just potter about and get what we want/need in each others homes and chip in with dishes and hanging up washing etc together as we chat!

My mum (sadly deceased) was lovely to DH, but my MIL(and PIL) were polite but decidedly chilly with me. MIL never really spoke to me on a one-to-one level about anything, just always as part of the family group. I found it all very unfriendly.

I have no female relatives, so when our DSs bring girlfriends home I am delighted! I took DS2's girlfriend out for breakfast and a mooch around the shops in our local town and we had a lovely time! DH said 'why did you do that, isn't it a bit weird?' and I said no, it was your family that was weird!

Well you need to spell it out to him. in very clear words.

Then you need to come up with a plan.
He can go and see her on his own.
He (not you but him!) could have a word with her and tell her it’s not acceptable and HE will not accept to see his partner treated that way.
He could simply ensure you are always part if tte conversation/get a cup of tea etc… (might be harder if he genuinely doesn’t see stuff like this)
Id go with you talking to her and telling her assertively that she is rude as a last resort. I’m sure you’d be able to do that. But it’s also the one thing that is likely to create even more problems if ‘she likes to be in charge’

But the last thing you want to do is ignore her behaviour.
You also need to know what you’ll do re your dc seeing her.

It must be so nice to have loving in laws. It’s been 3 years for me and I’ve tried but have given up now. I tend to remove myself physically and let them get on with it. It’s really sad because it’s made me wonder whether something is wrong with me and I’m not likeable. I’ve stopped trying so hard to show them I am likeable as nothing works.

Ive been in a previous abusive relationship and have no desire to be treated crap anymore by people. It’s like they are everywhere. I’m lucky my partner is not like this.

My MIL has two sons and she's an absolute star - I feel very lucky to have her, and I think she's really appreciated having me and my sister in law around. My FIL, DH and BIL are all very loud talkers who love to get their point across and sometimes get carried away with themselves... so MIL likes having us to actually listen to her.

(And yes I'm working on DH, he's getting better at using an inside voice and letting others speak!)

Sorry - missed your updates. I agree with either getting DH to raise it with her, or just stop going round there - it's shit to have someone else's toxicity dumped on you

She sounds unpleasant but no need to bring in the sexist "mums of boys" trope.

I didn’t mean to be sexist. I’ve not got great women relationships I guess. Managers at work and colleagues not being supportive of other women. Women in my now family not supportive. Female friends just not bothering when baby born.

I'm so sorry you were so ill after the birth and that your dh found it hard to cope too.

I was also very ill after the birth of dd, and fwiw my lovely mil was less than useless - she's really amazing and supportive in most situations but when people are ill, her go-to is bright and breezy "oh you're FINE aren't you? These things happen" but I'd had sepsis and a lot of blood loss and was very weak and that was very much not the vibe I needed. I've learnt what I can and can't rely on her for. (My own mum is also less than useless when people are ill, for the opposite reason, because she panics badly and worries that the ill person will die, and flaps around getting hysterical. Unhelpful.)

I think that you need to create a large distance between you and your mil. Show your DH that you have too much self respect to visit people who don't treat you hospitably, and don't care for you.

I'm really sorry for your traumatic post natal experience. I sympathise hugely. These things are imprinted on our memories forever, aren't they

I love my daughter in law almost as much as my own children ditto my sons in law. I don't think your issue is a general one to be honest it's just your very rude mother in law. I mean you wouldn't treat an ordinary guest in that way would you? I'd ask her what's going on and why..if no response is forthcoming I'd swerve the relationship sadly. No one needs this sort of rubbish.

Scale back the visits. Clearly you’re both not enjoying them. Let him visit on his own.

I have the same problem, never understood it. Came to the conclusion some people are just bat sh1t crazy 🤣 for what it’s worth I fully intend to welcome any wives/ husbands so they all spend time with us, I don’t understand why about would behave otherwise!! Keep your chin up