Do you think mums of boys treat their partners differently to mums of daughters? My mother-in-law is so cold!

[Flutterby10]

I don’t know what it it but my mother in law is really cold towards me. On the other hand my mum is just her normal talkative self around my partner.

My mother in law has 2 sons. I’m now not sure what is wrong really. Well apart form the fact she doesn’t like me much. We spend equal time. Not that I want to spend time with her as she doesn’t talk to me, it’s very awkward. She doesn’t even offer me a drink. She will often say who would like a tea and I’ll say yes please. She will then not make anything.

Why do they act like this? Surely it’s nice to happy and accepting as that makes a nice happy family atmosphere. I have a 11 month old and I am getting to the point I don’t want to visit if they don’t like me and act like this in front of my daughter.

In our family my lot come in and help themselves to a cuppa/snack, and make me the cuppa 😀, none of this waiting to be offered etc, sounds very stiff and formal.

Wow, do we have the same mum?!

@HerMammy thats the ideal but that takes having a relationship where all feel warm and welcome. When I walk in I don’t even get a hello, I say hello and nothing in return. When I talk I get put down, it’s of no interest to her. I would absolutely not feel like I could just walk in the kitchen and help myself at this point. I think you have to get to that stage.

I just wouldn’t go round. She’s blatantly rude to you and you don’t have to tolerate that. Regardless of conditioning/ADHD, your partner can’t fail to see how horrible she is.

Mine was pretty awful to me off and on - didn't like the fact that I already had a child for one thing. Horrid comments about my appearance and opinions and our finances etc.

My SIL is 99% nc with her but mil has definitely mellowed with age. DH knows she's pretty awful, i have his support. So long as your aprtner supports you none of it matters.
I'd say weather the storm maybe, with red lines and boundaries: e.g highlight to your partner about the tea as in it's up to him you get one, just take his or something.
Become "too busy" to meet up frequently. Invite her over but on your terms.
At least you won't have to look after her when she's old!

Be like "don't worry mil I brought my own" brandishing a Costa and a smile?
Kill her with kindness line a huge bunch of flowers so she looks like a real meanie?

Why do they act like this?

Another who wants to reiterate "they" don't.

You have an issue with your MiL.
None of us know what it is about the relationship - whether she is just a rude woman or whether there is some kind of cultural clash or whether you have been rude to her and she has taken offence.
But it is an issue between you and her, not "mums of boys" and their sons' partners.

My MIL has three sons. She was lovely, very welcoming and I will always cherish the short time I got to spend with her.

I had a MIL like this. My (now ex) DH would never stick up for me. It was part of what led to our relationship breaking down. It’s her, not you.

Sorry but I would be turning and walking out. Hand on heart, if she couldn't even say hello to me I would turn and go home. The height of rudeness and unacceptable. You wouldn't even need to say anything, it would be very obvious why you had left!

I'd warn your partner beforehand though - if your mother blanks me I will be leaving immediately. Its totally unreasonable to expect someone to put up with being ghosted to their face!

She sounds like a very cold hearted and unkind woman.

Not even helping her own son when you were poorly with a newborn!

I wouldn’t give her the time of day.

However, if you don’t want to cause issues, which will of course inevitably make you look like the bad one and not her, I would start to politely decline visiting (make up any excuse - or say you’re seeing your mum - she would probably hate that!) and only go once or twice a year.

I really hope she isn’t unkind and poisonous to your DC, because I really wouldn’t put it past the capabilities of ugly natured people like this.

Maybe you should try saying 'Oh would you like me to make the coffee'?

I’m so so sorry

im going to quickly tell you what I wish someone had told me

its nothing to do with having sons. She probably will like one of her DIL or at least be nicer to her. Read that book already suggested but also sit down with a piece of paper and list it all out - don’t try to ask why just write out all the behaviours. Look at it hard and think about what must be happening in her life for her to behave like this? I’m guessing your DH knows as he grew up in it but thinks it’s normal so wouldn’t even think to mention it. Or can’t. And then on that paper write out what you wanted from your family and why, because you’ll not get it and then yearn for it and so then you have a role to play too.

lastly and sorry for speed but pay close attention to what your DH does - he won’t even realise on the conscious level but his actions towards them both ( if FIL still about) will show you smoke signals. Do not leave your baby with her she is telling you from her actions this is a terrible idea. She’s also showing you she doesn’t even want you in her home - listen to her.

My MIL was mean to me for 17 years, I ignored as I wanted good relationship so badly. Broke my head and heart as I tried to figure out why. I’m a family person. So is she really revered as a mother etc. I had kids and out of nowhere she was really friendly and nice, but still strange in some ways I assumed just as she was older so generational. Turns out her husband abused her their whole marriage and her kids all knew but didn’t think it was strange, and her behaviour towards me was jealous of my freedom as I was light hearted and worked, and then the kindness she wished she had of been given when she had babies she gave to me. Nothing to do with me but it was allllll red flags. Listen to her actions she is telling you.

Ps as an immediate step find reasons that are polite not to go. Stay close to your mum she sounds lovely

@Flutterby10 sounds like your MIL is just a nasty person, not only to you but to her own son as well - she went on holiday when her son begged her for help. That's an awful thing to do

So if she does not have it in her to help her child in a serious time of need how can you expect her to make you tea? she's just an asshole

They?
So you're making a sweeping generalisation about all mothers of boys because of your MIL?
Maybe it's your personality she doesn't like, if that's how you behave.

Are you adhd too? Is she?
Shes horrible, distance yourself. Also I wouldn’t really want her looking after my baby.
I would think not making you a cup of tea is insane. FGS next time loudly ask her why she didnt make you one -why are you seeing her. You have your own DM just depend on her for child care.
DH could get medication for ADHD, though it’s a long haul. I thought adhd meant people were more sensitive so I don’t understand him saying his DM being rude to you is fine - doesn’t sound right, is he damaged by his upbringing.

Error

She sees you as some kind of threat -which really reveals her insecurities but instead of looking at her own feelings and addressing it like a grown up she’s taken to being an arse hole. Very toxic I would definitely call it out, be the bigger person and do it politely but assertively. If she continues the behaviour I would be cutting her out- some people never change and you do not need to be putting up with this it is so rude and unfair to you.

You’re generalising- sounds like she’s just not very nice. My MIL has 2 sons and she is lovely; and she always says how much she enjoys having 2 DIL now. I make the effort with her, eg sending texts, we’ve been on shopping days, ask her advice

It's always good to start a theory on a sample size of one 🙄
It's your MIL, why have a go at all mothers of boys at the same time?

I love it when people read a thread before commenting and actually pay attention to the fact the op has already corrected herself numerous times 🙄

I think it is down to personality mainly. I've got a 'disappointing' inlaw situation but I don't think it is particularly directed at me - it's just the way they are. DH warned me right at the start of our relationship but he has still been disappointed (and at time furious) about some of their antics. I don't think either of us expected to be affected as much as we have been by it.

When I was in the thick of coming to terms with it - I would sometimes take a group of people I knew (all the mum's on one of the DC's class at school or a set of colleagues) and imagine who would make a great mum/mil and who would be an absolute nightmare and everything in-between...

OP I married my husband not his family. I have met them a couple of times and we have been together 13 yrs. I know them no more now than I did when I first met them all those years ago, They dont know our daughter, well they do but its only superficial.We never gelled we were too different as people. I tried with them in the beginning numerous times and got nothing back.Is my life worse for this or are we suffering? NO we are not.DH,Me and our dd are a family unit who live,love and function together really happily. If DH wants to see them then off he goes to see them, with no hassle from us,no questions or interrogation from me! I am happy for him to have a relationship with his family but it is his relationship not ours. They were never interested in me or our dd so thats ok by me. They love their son and their capacity for anything else is non existant so sod em! You have to know when to stop with people, and I think if you are like me you can live a lovely life without them. Keep your sanity in tact and stop going,asking,begging. anything.Let your partner go see them on his own and you and the kids just stay away. It works wonderfully for us.

I don't think it has anything at all with having 2 boys

She just isn't a nice person