Do you think mums of boys treat their partners differently to mums of daughters? My mother-in-law is so cold!

[Flutterby10]

I don’t know what it it but my mother in law is really cold towards me. On the other hand my mum is just her normal talkative self around my partner.

My mother in law has 2 sons. I’m now not sure what is wrong really. Well apart form the fact she doesn’t like me much. We spend equal time. Not that I want to spend time with her as she doesn’t talk to me, it’s very awkward. She doesn’t even offer me a drink. She will often say who would like a tea and I’ll say yes please. She will then not make anything.

Why do they act like this? Surely it’s nice to happy and accepting as that makes a nice happy family atmosphere. I have a 11 month old and I am getting to the point I don’t want to visit if they don’t like me and act like this in front of my daughter.

My MIL was like that until we got married and had a baby. She seems to have softened but 5 years of the cold shoulder sticks in my memory. I found a lot of men that I new in my 20s were molly coddled whilst my female friends were not but I don't know if that was just random or general across the board

Firstly there's no way that I would let her have my baby overnight. It really is irrelevant that your partner doesn't see her rudeness for what it is. He is your partner and should expect you to be respected and he is a parent and should want his daughter to see you being respected. If it was me he would need to start seeing it for what and how it actually is and/or address her on it or there wouldn't be a relationship going forward.

I've similar issues with my mil although she treats partner worse then me (orders him round, speaks over him) but is the nicest warmest woman with her other son and daughter and both their partners, we have a son and daughter and she always seems happy to see them when we visit but never offers help or makes much contact checking in, we now only see her when sil is visiting with her family as they live abroad so nice for the cousins to get to see eachother as much as possible

@Flutterby10 just stop
making the effort. Stop going. She’s not interested in supporting her son and grandchild. She’s rude. Unwelcoming.

why put yourself out? Your DC isn’t really in need of this negative person in their life.

or if you feel you can’t do that - every single time - call her on the behaviour.

oh Martha are you sure your hearings ok - said hello and you didn’t hear me.

oh darling your mothers forgotten to make me a brew again - happens to us all as we age I guess.

She’s never going to like you no matter what you do. Why bother with the pretence of the whole situation.

I’d also be ewwwing at the brother.

I am a mum of 2 boys, and my ex was one of 2 boys as is my DP. As a potential future MiL I would want to be extremely welcoming and supportive to my sons and their partners, and would have to really dislike someone to not be so.
I have gotten along well with my ex MiL and my current MiL, so I don't think it's inevitable that mums of boys are unkind or rude (I would say that cos I am one 😂). I also know for a fact that my own mum has had her moments of being a bit off towards my ex and my DP, nothing major but they could have been put out.

meh. You don't need her approval. You only need to be as polite as she is.
So when you're left out of the tea round, tell your DH "your mum hasn't made me tea, again. Be a love and get me a cup"

And you might want to remind her that DILs often control access to grandchildren, if you're that way inclined 😂

In my experience (and that of my friends), I think some mothers are competitive with their sons girlfriend because it's emotionally challenging to watch another woman take priority after being the center of their universe. My mum is a bit like this with my brothers partners, but never like this with mine. My brothers are the apple of her eye 😂

I got really lucky with my partners mum though! She was warm and welcoming from day one and obviously this was reciprocated so we have a wonderful relationship and I always make sure she's included, invited etc.

I had the same experience, you're not imagining it despite pp.

It's her issue, you're not the problem. I hope it ends better than my situation did. Just don't give her any reason to start on you. It's probably nothing more than some sort of resentment or petty jealousy.

My advice is to slowly start to edge away emotionally without it becoming noticeable, don't invest your energy where it's not wanted.

Why word this as if every mother of a son acts this way? Your MIL is a twat she isn’t a twat because she has sons 🙄. My MIL has 3 sons, she’s lovely I’m closer to her than my DH. I’m a mum to 3 sons I imagine in the future I’ll manage to make my DIL a cup of tea, please don’t generalise people.

I agree, mine is cold towards me.where do I start. When we pop round we are greeted with a hello but when sil and her hubby come, they get a hug and a kiss. When my 2nd son was born 4 years ago my baby was very ill and I struggled, she knew that and never offered to help me. Since my sil (her daughter) has has a child who is now 2 she’s round theirs for a little sniffle to give her a break, I could have done with the help I don’t have my mother anymore who sadly died quite some time ago. When both of my sons are old enough and decide to settle down I won’t be like that towards their partners.

@Flutterby10 Erm, hello. Are you me?!? If it wasn’t for the fact I don’t have kids, I’d think this was me writing this exact post!! X

I would turn up with a Costa coffee and a cake and eat it in front of her. Ifshe looks at you weird or says anything say you brought your own as the last few times she has forgotten you xx

@Flutterby10
I would give her one more visit for one more chance for this to be resolved and that's it.

Tell your partner you are going to speak to MIL next time you go over so it's not a surprise when she mentions it to him. Ask to have a quiet word, say you feel like she doesn't like you and she has no time for you but say it in a gentle way. Take note of her reaction/ reply and decide from there if you want to continue visiting. If she admits she doesn't like you, stop going, things won't change. If she seems surprised by what you are saying and claims to like you, maybe she will change her ways but if she doesn't, stop going. This isn't just about a drink so I don't know why people would suggest just making/taking your own, this is about how you are being treated.

Stop asking her to take the baby, you already know the answer.

How is she towards you when she visits you?

@YerArseInParsley she is pretty much the same if they come and visit. She will make zero conversation and when I speak to her it’s just shut down quickly. She’s no real interested in having a conversation with me. It’s really awkward. It happened the other day and I literally turned around as I’d met my partner in different cars, made up an excuse and left.

I had some bits up for sale and made a comment like oh they haven’t sold yet I think I put them up for too much money. She said it’s about taste, it’s not really anyone’s taste is it. So rude, I’ve got great taste, nothing undesirable about what I was selling.

perhaps she can see she’s met her match if you’re not a pushover. She obviously doesn’t like you, and I wouldn’t want to visit her if she’s so obviously rude by not making you a drink etc

@Flutterby10
Then I really wouldn't be making an effort for her. I would still tell her you know she doesn't like you and you won't continue to be treated like that and not in your own home either. I think she needs to be told her attitude had to change or she's not welcome, I also think you need to make this clear to your partner, you can't continue to live like that. Call her out when she ignores you.

My late husband's mum had 2 sons and she's an amazing woman, so loving & loves my new partner to bits too, DPs mum also has 2 boys and she's just as warm and loving as MIL, my own mum in the other hand is pretty cold. Maybe I'm just pretty lucky

Genuinely think there are some women who just hate women and put men on a pedestal.
My dad's mum was like this. Had two sons. Hated my mum. Was deeply disappointed when my dad had a daughter not a son. Was quite cold to me as well as my mum. Was very happy when I had a son and very warm towards him. She also loved my husband.
It's sad really.

It won't be a popular opinion but yes, I think many do. DP's mum was horrendous to me. Apparently same with previous partners. I quickly refused to be anywhere near her. I rolled eyes at a friend recently, her son is 16 has his 1st girlfriend & she's acting as if she's going into battle with a woman stealing her son. I remember when that stupid saying 'My Son Is My Sun' was going around on FB a few years a few years back. I'd think 'why don't you also say your Daughter is your star?'

I'd think many women know of women who are obsessive over their sons but its not PC to admit that, so they won't.

Yes many women know of horrible MIL because they are horrible people. Pretty horrible to try and take down all women who have sons in one go. Women don't suddenly become mean becoause they have a son rather than a daughter

MIL disliked me and disliked my SIL’s husband as well, so she was an equal opportunity, centre of the universe type (she also had my children calling her “mum”, but in the other hand she was very loving towards them and often looked after them for us, so swings and roundabouts).

I think it’s more the personality than the gender of the IL, though I agree with PPs that there’s often an element of internalised misogyny.

Just to say, they do not act like this as a general rule. My mother in law couldn’t have been lovelier to me and I’ve just spent the weekend with my daughter, husband and his parents and the mother loves my daughter. Says she’s the daughter she always wanted, says how proud she is if anything she does, put it texts how much she’s looking forward to seeing her etc and talks to her in exactly the same way she does as her son.

I’m surprised your partner puts up with it to be honest but if he isn’t going to call her out on it then you ought to. I think less confrontational for your partner to say “oh I’ll make you a tea then as mum seems to have forgotten you” though.

I have older brothers and my mum honestly treats their partners like her own kids, as she does my partner too. However my partners mum is like this with both me and her other sons wife. It’s so bizarre. I have a son and I can’t imagine not being like my mum with his future partner rather than rude, cold and unfriendly like DH’s mum is.

Ive noticed this with my mother and mil. I have a younger brother, he’s late twenties and still get “babied” and lives at home. My upbringing was different, I was made to do housework and making dinner by the time I was 12/13. My brother has just learned how to use the washer!
I don’t have a relationship with my mil as she was just so overbearing and belittling. I tried working it out but it didn’t work with her. My partner takes our daughter round and I do my own thing. Life’s too short to take disrespect for the sake of it! My mil actually said she found it hard to like me because I’m the woman who took her place 🤣🤣 you just can’t reason with some people

Ok turning it around I think when you have your own children daughters turn to their mothers rarely seeking advice or support in the early days and making their mils feel pushed out, son's rightly turn to their partners for support whereas before they turned to mum and for some that can be a very hard time almost like grief.