Do you think mums of boys treat their partners differently to mums of daughters? My mother-in-law is so cold!

[Flutterby10]

I don’t know what it it but my mother in law is really cold towards me. On the other hand my mum is just her normal talkative self around my partner.

My mother in law has 2 sons. I’m now not sure what is wrong really. Well apart form the fact she doesn’t like me much. We spend equal time. Not that I want to spend time with her as she doesn’t talk to me, it’s very awkward. She doesn’t even offer me a drink. She will often say who would like a tea and I’ll say yes please. She will then not make anything.

Why do they act like this? Surely it’s nice to happy and accepting as that makes a nice happy family atmosphere. I have a 11 month old and I am getting to the point I don’t want to visit if they don’t like me and act like this in front of my daughter.

You say you're not a push over, so why not challenge her in the correct way? Ask her outright if there is an issue, and if there is then sort it like adults.
Don't ask your DP to do it, as it not his issue and I guarantee the MIL will not think any better of you for going that route.

My current MIL and ex MIL have both treated me like their Daughter

My mother in law is like this, I’ve had the threatened by another woman maybe?

My MIL is like this and she has trained her daughters to be the same too. They hate women coming into the family and are openly nasty towards them in the hope of driving them away. It’s worked with a few. There are quite a few sad lonely males in the family as a result. I tried for decades to be accepted, but finally realised I never would be. Luckily DH could see what they were like too so we are very LC with them these days. It’s very hard to be around. Being made to feel invisible as well as being swiped at, so I completely understand how you feel.

I think you shouid skip the visits and let DH take your daughter for interactions

Hmm I was about to ask whether you pushed her out and favoured your own family when your kids were born, in which case I'd understand her a bit - but you didn't. So it sounds like this is her issue, not yours. Let your DH take the kids and go and see her alone, and you enjoy some quiet time without all this unnecessary drama.

MIL has never liked me because I don’t let DH pander to her. She used to have a cat and ask DH to do the 30-mile round trip every day to feed in and stroke it for a month at a time four months a year when she was at her place in Spain. I said it was too much to ask of someone who’s not local and asked DH to get an electronic cat feeder.

@Flutterby10 the ignoring your drink request is bloody awful, I'm with the pp who said it's akin to criminality! You don't ignore guests. Honestly I'd let your husband just go and you stay at home. Have a nice chill without him. Soak in the bath, listen to podcast without any interference!
Why spend your precious time with someone rude to you? Not your monkeys, not your circus, let DH deal with her.

My mum is hard work if I'm honest but she always finds it really amusing how awful my exes and especially DP's mother have been. She also prefers DP to me even though I'm her daughter. Cheers mam 🙄
My exes mums have just been spectacularly odd, 2 would have been known as "narcissists" these days, but back in the day it was just plain old fashioned gobshites. Love bombing/cold shoulder/lying/then saying how amazing they'd been during the love bombing to make you feel awful for not allowing them to treat you abhorrently.

Besides one ex who's mum I adored, she was older, very sweet and I loved her company. And she never gave me anything of financial significance, which was appreciated massively, she gave my son a beautiful book I've always kept, (she delighted in telling me was from the red cross where she volunteered) for his birthday and it made me feel safer with her somehow, like if she'd have thrown gifts at me, I'd have been on eggshells waiting for a kick off from her once the mask of kindness fucked off, like the other mils I'd encountered. She was genuinely wonderful, she'd have your favourite biscuits in etc and would love showing my DS her pretty garden. (Can you tell I miss her 🙈😂)
As luck would have it her son was a bit of a bellend so it didn't last 🙈
DP's mother we have NC with because of her behaviour towards him, more so than me. (You can't push me around so it's pointless trying, she gave it a whirl and gave up but went hard on treating DP like an idiot.)
But she's horrid to everyone she's ever met, so it's not personal, she's just a spiteful arsehole.

I have 3 sons and I absolutely go all out showing them healthy and loving relationship dynamics in a hope they meet partners who've been raised similarly.
I love reading on here about posters who's mothers and Mils are friends, makes me hopeful I'll have that one day.

I hope you get that with your DS also, we deserve it 😂💐

I really haven’t. I’ve not had the best upbringing myself. My mum bless her did her best but her M.S diagnosis at 30 made her depressive. My dad is no longer here. I have longed for a family. I am gutted about this. I did contemplate calling it all off because I’ve had enough of this in my life already but he is a really lovely guy.

Don’t generalise. I adore my son’s gf-they were a bit concerned when we met-she’s from a far away country but studying here-whether I’d ‘approve’. I love seeing my son happy and in love and she’s wonderful for him. So no, mothers of sons aren’t all rude and possessive.

My MIL is equally off with both me and my SIL but ok with her daughters husband.

She seems to get on slightly better with other sis in law but that’s just because she hasn’t had kids yet. Then the true feelings will come out, I’ve seen it before. Also she’s a little easier to boss around.

It’s your MIL, not every, or even many, like this. I’ve had two MILs and you couldn’t meet two more lovely welcoming people. I still keep in contact with my ex MIL, even after 10 years, as we got along so well. It’s her issue, not yours. I just wouldn’t go anymore. It’s not worth your time or energy - and your DP can see what’s going on - she probably has form for this sort of behaviour- he just doesn’t want to do anything about it.

You can’t really generalise. It’s individual MIL’s.

For a decade, I was in a relationship with a man whose mother was just lovely. I loved her to bits. She was never anything but warm and welcoming and kind to me. I am
still friends with her now.

My (STBX!) MIL is a spiteful, nasty person without a single redeeming characteristic. At the beginning I gave her a lot of leeway because apparently she was just extremely stressed about X, Y and Z. But over time it’s apparently that, whatever the circumstances, she a dreadful human being.

Which MIL should I generalise from? Personally, I like to be optimistic and imagine that most people are closer to my lovely not-MIL than my horrible MIL.

OP I really feel for you as I’m the same in terms of being desperate for that wonderful family life that I didn’t get growing up. When I was younger I would always gravitate to boyfriends with happy families as was seeking this. In my case all my MIL’s have been completely wonderful, have showered me in attention and made me feel really loved. Now that I’m older I realise it’s up to me to create the family I always wanted rather than hoping to be semi adopted into one, my DP now has a lovely friendly mum and dad but I don’t crave to be basically adopted by them like I did when I was younger 😂😂

In terms of your current situation, your issue is related to this particular woman and isn’t a general or common thing for MILs. I would stop visiting someone who is rude to me. I would tell your DP what you’re doing and he can either tell his mum she needs to call you to meet for a coffee 1:1 and make the peace or he can do nothing and you can get your Saturdays back!

This. I have 2 sons and 2 DILs. We all live close by and see each other often . I look after my grandson at least once a week. I get on very well with my DILs . They are fabulous young women . Mumsnet has a thing about MILs . It gets really tired and old sometimes. She has issues with you. You need to find out what they are.

Some MNers only seem to make an appearance when there is an opportunity to be unkind about MILS, SILS and Stepdaughters. It is sexism.
It is othering and stereotyping, "All ...... (insert group) are horrible etc.
I know the OP has now apologised for this but plenty of posters use it as an excuse to label a whole group of very individual women as toxic.

@Summonedbybees I did correct myself, I shouldn’t have said they. I’m not going to lie though I’ve met a lot of quite nasty women. Especially as an abuse victim, I’d say in RL most women have blamed me for the abuse my ex husband did towards me for staying and letting him do it. I’ve also met some really amazing ones. One lady saved my life after I fled my ex. Most women in my life when I’ve talked about past trauma, whether that be at the hands of my ex or even my traumatic birth have just said get over it. I clearly don’t have good ladies around me. Apart from my partners nan she is lovely.

I've had two MILs. One was lovely, the other was the nastiest, most vindictive, venomous person I have ever met. Both only had sons.

I only have a son. I am perfectly happy, whichever of his friends he brings home.

It sounds like she doesn't like you. A personality clash? They do happen. I'd ease back on contact, keep it only to the essential minimum.

@MintJulia she has never liked any of his girlfriends. I’ve no doubt she isn’t keen on me unfortunately.

OP, maybe your DH's previous taste in girlfriends, and now you, his wife, is for sassy, determined types rather than doormats, and that is the issue.

She sees herself as queen bee and you're threatening that.

My unpleasant MIL wanted to be ex's wife. They had a joint bank account and she wanted to choose our crockery, our kitchen, his clothes etc. It was verging on unnatural.

You can only alter your own behaviour, not hers.

Maybe, I guess there are multiple projections she could be putting on me. He’s just a really good man and I deserve a good man after the decade of abuse I suffered. She should be proud to have raised such a good man.

And you should be proud of yourself for not putting up with this sh*t.
Its not a MIL issue as a general, I've seen some MILS treat DS DD partners better than their own kids. But, theres many DM MIL DF etc treat DC OH's really awfully. A lot is to do with competition, jealousy...theyve been top of their game, until you came along with your self confidence. 😊

Why do they act like this?

It's not they. It's just that your mil is rude and doesn't like you

Follow her lead and distance yourself from her and make sure your partner understands how you think she treats you.

If he doesn't get it, this is not the relationship for you.

Firstly there is absolutely no way I would let her have my baby overnight. It's irrelevant whether your partner sees any of this rudeness because he is a parent and needs to show his daughter that you deserve respect as her mother and as your partner. It doesn't make it any more acceptable because she is his mum and it just wouldn't wash with me. If it was me he would need needs to see it or address her on it or there can't be a relationship with her going forward.