Do you think mums of boys treat their partners differently to mums of daughters? My mother-in-law is so cold!

[Flutterby10]

I don’t know what it it but my mother in law is really cold towards me. On the other hand my mum is just her normal talkative self around my partner.

My mother in law has 2 sons. I’m now not sure what is wrong really. Well apart form the fact she doesn’t like me much. We spend equal time. Not that I want to spend time with her as she doesn’t talk to me, it’s very awkward. She doesn’t even offer me a drink. She will often say who would like a tea and I’ll say yes please. She will then not make anything.

Why do they act like this? Surely it’s nice to happy and accepting as that makes a nice happy family atmosphere. I have a 11 month old and I am getting to the point I don’t want to visit if they don’t like me and act like this in front of my daughter.

Have a word with her in private...youll soon know. If she deflects and is rude, stop going.
Not MIL but my own mother doesnt like women, the biggest internalised misogynist i know..she adores men and my male siblings. I am NC with my mother because of this and other stuff. Tackle it with her. If no joy and shes just a cold bitch...go NC

What does DP say? It’s his role to ensure that his family are at least polite to you.

My ex boyfriends mother was like this. She was a mother of two boys. She liked my ex-boyfriends brothers girlfriend because she came from money but treated me very unfairly. Turns out she was just a nasty woman and I was glad to see the back of her!

Be polite but don't let it go unchecked. You're right in saying you can't allow her to behave like this in front of your daughter. Next time she doesn't make you a tea, say, "sorry MIL I said yes to a tea, no worries if you've forgotten mine is it ok for me to make one myself?" Call it out every single time. Don't be confrontational- she is probably one of the MILs who can't cope with their son having another woman as a priority, but don't be a doormat.

She will often say who would like a tea and I’ll say yes please. She will then not make anything.

Do not go there any more!!

It's not a mother of sons thing, it's just your MIL thing. My MIL is very chatty with me, partly because she's a chatty type and her sons (inc my dh) are very much not, none of the men in her family are.

I'd never go to anyone's house again if they didn't offer me a cup of tea. Where I'm from, hospitality is practically more important than the law, so I would consider that akin to criminality

She seems to like the other sons girlfriend but I’m not sure if that’s because she an anxious, doesn’t say boo to anyone person so she is above her. I’m not like that, I’m older and been through stuff so not a push around. She comes across as the alpha, in charge of everything in her house.

My mum and her were in the same space yesterday and even my mum come up to me and said whats up with her, she’s in charge isn’t she.

What’s that really outdated saying?
’A daughter is a daughter for life. A son is a son until he gets a wife.’ (Before anyone divebombs me, I don’t agree with the saying!)
She sounds childish. Your partner should pull her up on it, but it would probably egg her on in her fantasy that you’re the ‘nasty woman’ who took her boy away.

She won't even make you a drink?? What a cow!

What does your partner have to say about that?

@Mummy08m we always make sure we have her coffee in our house. Although they don’t come often. It’s really not nice to be at someone’s house for a while and be offered nothing. I hate turning to my partner and asking for him to get me a drink in their house. It feels so rude!

Please don’t generalise - there are rude people everywhere.
Clearly she doesn’t like you, so I wouldn’t bother much. I’d bring a drink with me or call it out in a well mannered way as mentioned above. But I certainly wouldn’t visit much. Her loss.

@MoonlightMuse if mums in laws treat their daughter in laws like shit then that’s exactly what will happen. I’m a family person, I’d love to have a relationship with them, there is no pulling away from me. I don’t know why this has to happen.

My partner has adhd, he is great and it doesn’t effect him much in life, well apart from he can’t sit still lol. The one thing he does struggle with is these types of situations, he can’t really see the issues. He wouldn’t be able to see that not offering a drink is a problem, it’s very much over his head. I’ve asked him if he thinks his mum is ok with me and he just says yeah.

Why do THEY act like this ? You ask. Well , THEY all don’t . I treat my DIL like I do anyone . With respect and care . Why your mil treats you like that, no one can say . I think you need to ask her .

This isn’t my experience and I’m really gutted for you.
I have a really great relationship with my MIL, she has 2 daughters and 1 son and treats me with as much love and kindness and respect as she does her own children. She’s always included me in things, I go round on my own for a catch up with her and she comes round here when dh isn’t about.
Your mil sounds really bloody rude and disrespectful. Does the other brother have a partner and if so what is MIL’s relationship like with them?

No, I don't think that's true. My Mum only had boys, and she got on like a house on fire with both my DP and my brother's wife.

Your MIL sounds unpleasant, but I don't think it's because she didn't have a daughter.

I love my son's girlfriend, I treat her the same as I treat my son, I always get her drink first, and the other day got her something for her Christmas stocking I know she will like, not yet found anything for my sons. I only have one son, no daughters. So Ide say not all mother in laws behave like it. And it's their loss in the end if they behave like it.

Your H grown up in that family so regards their behaviour within it as normal. I would not be inclined to visit her all that often if at all. His inertia too when it comes to his mother hurts him as much as you. ADHD does not cause such inertia to arise. He may also fear and love his mother in equal measure and does not want to be on
the receiving end of she being “upset” . Upset is in quote marks because such types do not really get upset. It’s used to control.

Have consistent and cast iron boundaries and call her out on this behaviour every time. She is being deliberately rude here.

Do read Toxic In-laws by Susan Forwsrd.

My MIL only had sons - dh and his brother - and she couldn't have been more warm and welcoming to me. I felt loved and supported by her - often more so than by my own mother - and I was devastated when we lost her to cancer.

I too am the mother of only sons - three of them - and ds1 got married in 2022, and I love my DIL - she is a lovely person who I would love for herself, but I can also see how happy she makes ds1, and I can't imagine not supporting and loving someone who makes one of my sons so happy. If I can be as good a MIL to her as mine was to me, I'll be happy.

Sorry I didn’t mean to say all mother in laws are like this, I meant the ones that do treat their daughter in laws like this.

I’d love to have one of you lovely mother in laws.

have you tried making your own, or offering to make it, to try an ingratiate with her, or at least you will get a hot drink!

That's referring to the son's need for his mum not the mums to the son or DIL. Girls definitely do come back to their mothers for advice and support (unless reasons not too)

Op I don't know why you think it would be all mils rather than a personality thing?

@AttilaTheMeerkat she is very controlling. It’s always on her say. My partner has been literally begging her to help with the baby as in the beginning I had an awful birth, blood transfusions etc. She actually booked a holiday. He had to cope alone and he found it so hard to deal with me sick and a new baby, I could hear him vomiting in the bathroom. My mum took my older daughter for 2 weeks even though she is unwell with M.S…. his mum went on holiday.

Hes asked her so many times if she would take the baby overnight so we could have a break, always sorry I don’t know what I’ve got planned. She can hate me but she is hurting him, he really doesn’t see it thought, just says aww that’s just my mum.

I don’t think it’s a mother of sons thing. My MIL has two sons, no daughters and is lovely. She took a while to warm up to me at first because she’d formed an opinion about me which wasn’t quite right (she can be quite quick to judge!) But we got to know each other and have a great relationship now.

It might just be that your MIL is unfortunately not very nice 😕

I had the opposite problem with my ex. His mum was lovely and we still speak now. My mum was horrific towards him no matter what I did to convince her he was alright and we had to parent our child together.

I think it’s a mixture of personality. Some people find it difficult to welcome others or hold grudges or negative feelings for no reason.

Can you find out from your partner what her issue is and maybe spend some time with her to see if getting to know each other might soften her a little?