I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

[Icanttakeanymore]

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

Going to the pub tonight sounds like he is getting back at your for daring to ask him to go to the supermarket on his way home. Tbh although DH WOULD go to the supermarket on his way home if I desperately needed him to, he would be a bit pissed off that I had asked. Purely because he works all day and I don't. I don't have any other calls on my time other than the school run and doing stuff at school. So he would be entitled to be pissed off. (I am not talking about suddenly realising I am out of one ingredient for supper or something.)

I'm off to settle the DC then drink lots of tea and call friends. I'll let you know the fall out tomorrow.
Thanks for being there to rant to.

Hi, I have just been reading your thread, and wanted to add my support. You are worth so much better than the way you are being treated. I was in a similar situation for years, and too scared to leave. But that's what happens - all your self esteem gets sucked out of you, so the longer it goes on, the less able you are to stand up for yourself. I even thought 'At least he doesn't beat me up' but he was beating my mind up. The more you do the worse it gets - I became the world's best doormat. Thank God in the end I ended it because of stuff happening in front of my DS. It's not you - it's him. I read every self help book from How to save your Marriage to How to Do your own Divorce. The answer isn't in a book. Counselling will help to make you strong, and I'm glad you are able to confide in your friends. There is a better life waiting for you, but I don't think it's with him. I hope you don't take the 10 years I did to see that. I feel for you, take care

DWP, have been reading through this thread. When you stood up to him last week, I thought, oh oh, only a matter of time before he is going to push the boundaries and start again.

He is trying to assert his dominance by arsing around. Also, how often does he go to the pub? My DH is lucky if he gets out once a month!

Do you run? Can you be ready to leave the house as soon as he comes home, and announce with a cheery wave that you're off to the gym?

As for griping about the cafe bill - it's pathetic. You have a good household income, tell him to get over it. How much is he spending during all his trips to the pub?

Are you ok DWP? Did last night go alright?

Hope you found some sturdy rl support

ok news pliz

How are you doing today TDWP?

this is crap he sounds awful. dont let him treat you like this DONT put up with it. not all men are like this, he sounds like my ex and this is why he is my EX!!!

have read the rest

especially re him sabotaging oyu going out

he has less than zero respect for you

too tired to look after his own DCs

fine, then he should leave and you can carry on doing what you are doing, and not have to look after him too

I haven't read all the messages, but wanted to add my support for you. It is not normal, you should treat people the way that you would like to be treated yourself and he is showing that he has no respect for you at all. You either need to go to Relate, if you want to stay with him, or leave but don't let him suck you down any further. You do not deserve it.

I haven't posted on this today as I didn't want to dwell on it, sorry.
I had a nice evening, I talked to my friend who told me much the same as you have, we then spent ages on the phone laughing about silly things which was nice.
I was in bed when he got home and in bed when he left this morning (and he didn't try to wake me! stunning)
I will be talking to him tonight, but am getting worried about it now.

I know what you mean about not wanting to dwell on things. I have had bad times with DH and sometimes friends would ask how things were etc and it was the very last thing I wanted to talk about.

Hope tonight's talk goes well.

Maybe a move in the right direction that he didn't try to wake you this morning?

We are here if you want us.

So glad you're ok, TDEN - brilliant name by the way.

You definitely need to talk to him, he's been an utter bastard. You have nothing to apologise about - remember this and don't let the words "I'm sorry" pass your lips tonight (unless in an aghast fashion "I'm sorry?!")

Everything about this is screaming "Leave him!" - I didn't want to say it, but I have.

There are so many people on here to support you.

stay strong. you deserve SO much better.

I was in a long marriage (13 years) with a similar type of man - esp the pub thing after work.

Although we both worked full time he seemed to claim social freedom by default - ie to go the pub etc. And I used to have to book my nights out days in advance.

He used to use all that psychological crap about being tired etc So by the time I went out I felt really drained and exhausted.

He would never say what time he would be home and so I could never plan meals etc and sometimes used to wait for him when he said he would be home at xx time and would then turn up alot later.

If I went out he always needed to know when I would be home and still does now if looking after DCs on his allotted night.

We are now divorced and I do really regret wasting all those years trying to make things right. I tried to put things right rather than walk away, which was my gut instinct. Whereas he didn't try at all. He also made it hard for us to split (only because he was worried about his own bacon). His was and still is a selfish bastard and will never change.

Unfortunately I am still reliant on him to some extent for looking after DCs if I want to go out and am also in an ongoing tussle with him as I don't think he sees DCs as per our agreement. Ie every other weekend and one night per week.

On paper we were an equal couple and on paper our divorce agreement looked ok but the reality is that he still has control. And I know for sure that the face he presents to the outside world is one of mr nice guy, caring, sharing etc only I and my RL friends know its horseshit.

I know how wearing it is to continually battle against someone like that, it is so gutting that you are almost having to almost remind your H to be nice to you and because they are so controlling you waste alot of time battling against them (fighting your corner).

This is not normal you should be working as team and facing the world together.

Good luck in whatever you decide.

He's made me angry this evening before he even steps foot in the door.
I called him at work to ask when he expected to finish, he told me he was just leaving and to call his mobile. I did and he didn't answer. I called his office again and he wasn't there. He then called me from his office as he wasn't at his desk but said he'd be leaving in 10 minutes and to call his mobile then. Now his mobile is turned off.

I suppose I will again bath the DC and put them to bed without him and wonder when the hell he will get home.

I feel worse for them than for myself. Whenever the doorbell rings they shout 'daddy' expectantly they love him so much and I don't doubt he loves them, but just doesn't show it.

He's being an utter shit. You know he is. He is hurting your dcs by being so selfish with his time and efforts.

I wish I could be there to smack him around his silly head, and tell him all that he is risking!

He sounds like the man I left last July. He was controlling and awkward and unreasonable, and one of the only people who saw that side of him was me.

I spent years hoping he'd be in good humour. It got to the point where I was nervously asking him if I could go out with my friends. He told me the last time I went out with my friends while we were still together that he 'grudged' me the few pounds I'd be spending.

I could list off his other faults, he was mean and he was totally unable to compromise, ALL the sacrafices of parenthood were mine.

But anyway, I left him 9 months ago and I am so much happier now. Some things are hard. Some times I feel the odd one out, or I feel sensitive to pity, but these things are so minor compared to the constant misery I was in before. I didn't even realise how miserable I was til I left.

Now the kids can run riot and that makes me happy not stressed out. If I go out, my Mum happily babysits, and she says "enjoy yourself!". I wish I'd left him years ago.

If any of this strikes a chord wiht you, leave the man. Life is too short. Single motherhood isn't a walk in the park, but it IS a piece of cake compared to living with a miserable awkward selfish man. I can guarantee you that. You can be a single mother, it's possible. It's not only possible, but it's possible to do it and be happy as well.

Take care of yourself and value yourself.

Sorry this is an intolerable way to live. He either has to change or you have to leave. What's his family like? What's the role model he's grown up with. Sometimes we don't question something we grow up with (which is why it needs to change for your dc's sake as well).

There's a lot of this about isn't there? How do these men get like this - believing they are the centre of the universe?

You are right Katisha. It's so common. Now that I've left my ex, women keep telling me about their sisters, neighbours etc, etc... so many similar stories out there.

My ex to this day can NOT understand why I left him. The fact that he treated me like an unpaid domestic and that I alone made every sacrafice for motherhood (inc career, pension, income, opportunity to save money, and the house was in his name!!) he is telling anybody who will listen that he can't understand why I left, I had everything blah blah.

For the first 4 months after I left, I tried hard to get him to SEE things from my side. Waste of time. I was trying to get him to understand how he'd made my life so hard, and so miserable. WASTE of time. He'll never see that.

When you accept that, you start to move on. He drifts away, in to my memory, my past. I don't walk 'round wondering what all my old colleagues and old boyfriends from college are thinking, and now it's getting (nearly) to be like that with him too.

OP. I hope you're still readign these messages, I hope that they help you to sort out all the thoughts doing laps in your head.

I honestly think some of them get like this because they have been little mummy's boys who have not grown up, and want their own way all the time to satisfy their pathetic egos.

wtf happened to treating your dw/dp like a human being ffs?????? these guys know what they are doing is wrong otherwise they wouldn't be putting on an act for friends and relatives.

They do know. My ex was polite and courteous and showed respect (even if he didn't feel it) to everybody but the person who'd had his children and given up her own ambitions.

I also got digs about the house being in a state. Never lifted a finger himself, but he noticed all the things I should be doing. It was HIS house. I told him to take an anti-histamine. Arsehole.