I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

[Icanttakeanymore]

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

Yes, I could.

But I can do all sorts of things when it comes to self-defence - I learnt the hard way that it was necessary

Devil,you don't work i take it?

devilwearspenneys I have been following your thread and when I first read it thought OMG he sounds like my DP. We have been going to Relate for 5 weeks but with no improvements as yet. Things came to a head last Thursday and he was very aggressive and threatening violence so in the end the police were called and they got him to leave (it is my house and DP is in debt so cannot go on the mortgage, another bone of contention for him).

I must say that after months of dealing with him being an asshole and being unresonable the last 4 days have been bliss . Its just me and out little DS and life is lovely and peaceful, DP is very apologetic and seems to be realising he has behaved appallingly. I know your situation is different from mine but if your DH will not change is there anyway you can bite the bullet and get away from him for a bit. I daresay if the house is in joint names then the police can't get him out. I hope your situation improves very soon. x

I do Moondog, but it's very haphazard. We have a part time nanny which I had to battle to get and I still end up working until 5am to get things finished.
Often drunk and in tears. But don't tell my employers lol.

Oh dear.
Just asking as I think it is easier for men like this to bully sahms.

Do look at the rest of that site Cod gave you Hidden Hurt - if you sift through it there's a lot of interesting enlightening stuff.

I am sahm, but also a wahm. DH seems to think 'work' is when you leave the house suited and boote.

Yes,well there you go.
God he sounds bloody vile.

Sorry Anna if I hit a nerve.

i think where the woman works is irrelvant
utterly

ALL sorts of women are abused.
ican tell you.

I think the television thing is pure control on his part. It is his way of exerting his authority. No one forgets to turn off the television when they are coming to bed, although they may forget to lock the door, granted. He left it on to make you get out of bed and do his bidding. He is proving his dominance to himself and to you. You have to stop giving in to him otherwise he is never going to back down. I would tell him that he is responsible for his own actions, you are not his mother or his keeper and that from now on, if he dosn't pull his weight, it dosn't get done. Seriously. Start blaming him back and see how he likes it.

Tell him to stop behaving like a spoilt child and to act his age. Have pride in yourself, your abilities and your job. Don't let him eat away at that. He is already isolating you from your friends, don't let him kill your self esteem too.

you lto telling her to stand up to him
i sincerely htink tis too late
there isnt a relationship to save

If you are serious about making him take stock, tell him he has six months to sort himself out. Draw up a list of what you feel is not acceptable. Add to that list that you will be going out x times a month and he WILL be home to look after the children. Make it very clear what you want to change and how you see things progressing. Spell it out to him as you would a child. Keep a detailed diary over this time to see how you feel things are going.

Now you have admitted you are unhappy you have two choices:

a) Keep your head down and go with the flow. Work on things to make you happy, but admit that you are in an abusive relationship. Stay for the children.

or

b) Actively change things. Work out if you still love this man/whether things are salvageable/work towards a relationship to make your children proud. Give him a chance to prove himself to you or fail.....

Or I guess there is c) which is admit you are flogging a dead horse, he will never change and walk away. Good luck...

He has decided to go out to the pub. I have decided to call my best friend and tell her what is really happening in full and gorey detail.
And then do some practical thinking.

well done
you dont haev to leave now or at all. but i htink tis good to haev a plan.

Oh TDWP.

I am sorry you are going through this. You deserve more. How old is your DH out of interest?

In some ways he is behaving like a spoilt brat and in others a bit like a stereotype of a 60ish man who is used to being the 'man of the house' whose every whim should be obeyed.

I know Cod feels that the relationship can't be saved however i think that relationships worse than this have been saved. It depends on whether you still love him and IF you think he will be willing to got for counselling and be honest about the issues.

yes adn rememebr we dont know oyu so what we say is prob shit

Blimey. Only just seen this thread. Your husband sounds horribly abusive. You don't deserve this treatment - nobody does.

sounds horrible to suggest but could he turn physically abusive do you think? the coffee tipping over incident is sort of physical. sorry if i've missed something

Don't worry I take Cod's advice at Cod Value.

I am just very pissed off as he called me after work and claimed to be on the way for the train but it sounded very much like he was outside a pub (laughing jovial background as opposed to traffic and commuters talking on their phones)

I told him we needed a few things for dinner and he said he was just about to go into the supermarket and get them. I called him 10 minutes later and he tells me he 'happened upon' some people from work and is going for a 'swift pint'.

Hence I am putting the children to bed- with them not having seen him all day and cooking dinner for one and probably doing more ranting on mumsnet. Lovely evening.

Dwp,sorry if this sounds harsh but do you think you put up with this because of the lifestyle he offers ie travelling, financial security,nanny etc.
I most certainly am not criticising you for this, I sometimes think I do put up with more from DH (although not in this league,can be pain at times)than I would if other aspects of my life weren't secure. I was briefly married many years ago and had loads of financial problems, and it has subsequently always been important to me to be financially secure.
That said,I do love Dh and he can be very kind and thoughtful most of the time,but occasionally likes to exert a bit of control.I soon slap him down!

ST no I appreciate you honesty in your opinion. We came into this relationship as students, both with not a penny to our name. We helped each other along the way and for a brief period I earned way in excess of what he does now but money was never talked about or an issue like it is since we had the DC.
I took a huge hit, emotionally and financially by having the DC but of course they are all that matters to me now. This is why it infuriates me that he uses money as a control. We both agreed that I would dedicate the majority of my time to the DC yet I am having this thrown back in my face.

He knows I miss the small things like dropping for a drink with work mates and not having to worry about when to get home, so he does exactly that. It is twisted logic from him and makes me so angry.

I know all about money used as control.
DH is very careful with money,but earns a six figure salary.He went through a period a few years back of being very controlling with money and it caused loads of rows. Since he has been more settled work wise he is better.However I still work one day a week to have some of my own.
Everything is paid for by him and he doesn't complain,but he makes the financial decisions really and I don't always feel like an equal partner financially.
You are right,money is all about control and I think some men relish this and use it as a stick to beat with.

sounds like he just does what he wants with no respect for you what so ever. If it were me i'd leave but I know thats easier said than done. Hope this situation gets sorted out one way or another.

I am so sorry to hear that he is still behaving like an utter arse so soon after you discussed everything.

I think he hass proven what kind of a man he is: He couldn't even keep his word for a week. That's pathetic. In fact, with his going to the pub and ensuring you could not enjoy your weekend he has been deliberately hurting you and disregarding your feelings, when he should have been going out of his way to show he cares.

What did your rl friend have to say about it?

Do you think that he really will change? Do you want him to? So on your behalf.