Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

488 replies

Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 19:52

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

OP posts:
runkid · 18/03/2008 21:17

I just want to add my support you and your children deserve so much more

TheDevilEatsNestle · 19/03/2008 09:16

I've just found out he's going to Tokyo for 9 days next Wednesday. I am actually really pleased about it, it will give me some time to do things on my own terms and work some things out. I plan to invite my best friend and her new baby down for the weekend.

I'll post later about our conversation last night, I'm not yet sure how I feel about it.

TheDevilEatsNestle · 19/03/2008 09:19

Thanks again to you all, it's amazing how much having your support and just someone to rant at means to me.

MadameCh0let · 19/03/2008 09:30

Enjoy your week without him! I was in your shoes a year ago. My ex went skiing. I enjoyed the break more than he did I'm sure, even though I had two young kids! When you look forward to him not being there, you know really. Have a good time with your friend. keep ranting. Venting on tinternet kept me sane. I didn't admit to my RL friends how awful he was, if I'd repeated what he'd said and done verbatim to my friends they would have been so appalled. I knew they would have said leave, leave, leave. But I only left when the 'stigma' of being a single mother seemed insignificant compared with the daily misery. By the way,now that I have left him, I never walk around thinking I'm a single mother!! I just feel happy.

TimeForMe · 19/03/2008 09:34

TDEN I have just finished reading this book and I can highly reccommend it. It gives you a clear picture of the man you are dealing with, how he perceives you and if there is ever any hope of him changing. It may be of some help to you too.

www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_ss_w_h_/202-9394379-7410239?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=t he+verbally+abusive+man+can+he+change&Go.x=11&Go.y=13

Katisha · 19/03/2008 15:05

I'd recommend that book as well. As I mentioned earlier in the thread, another book by that author helped someone very close to me understand and see what had been going on in her life for 13 years.

TimeForMe · 19/03/2008 15:49

Ooh sorry Katisha, I didn't see your reccommendation it is a very good book though, it helps to make you see that none of what he does or blames you for is your fault.

TimeForMe · 19/03/2008 15:50

Ooopa again just re-read your post. Understand now, you would reccommend the book. Can you tell I've had a bad week?

Katisha · 19/03/2008 15:54
Wink
TimeForMe · 19/03/2008 16:27

Ahh yes Katisha, I have found your post reccommending the book. I placed my order as soon as I read your post the other day, am looking forward to it's arrival. Keep having to remind myself it is a book, not a miracle worker

TheDevilEatsNestle · 19/03/2008 22:31

I was right to think last nights conversation was all talk.
He came home an hour ago after working late, yelled at me because I still don't have a new cash card and threw his wallet at me when I said I needed his card to draw money out for tomorrow. He is now in bed reading.

I don't know what to do, am I overreacting to these things? Hearing other peoples experiences makes this pale in significance.

sarahsixtoes · 19/03/2008 22:49

Sounds like his bullying is Domestic Violence to me. Domestic Violence isnt just about physical punches, words are often more damaging than physical abuse, your self esteem is damaged and you find it hard to stand up to the person who is controlling you. I`m glad you woke up and smelt the coffee, You need help to get through this, its not right. Good Luck, and be strong

Katisha · 19/03/2008 23:07

Don't think it's pale in significance to more obvious abuse. That's another way of justifying it to yourself, letting it carry on. It lots of little things which add up to a general picture. He is not treating you like an adult is he? He's got into a very nasty habit of rudeness and no respect. It won't get better by itself.

takeittothelimit · 19/03/2008 23:21

Hi,where does he go after work?

Is he just sitting in a pub somewhere whilst you yet again put the children to bed.

He sounds very selfish and not aware of how this is affecting you.

Does he give a reason why he does'nt always come straight home?

Sounds like he wants an easy life.

How old is he?

Has he always been like this?

Sorry for all the questions

ahundredtimes · 19/03/2008 23:37

What did your BF say about him when you spoke? I bet her insights were good weren't they? Had she suspected something like this was going on?

I second the poster down below who said after the initial talk 'oh I bet he'll find some ways to assert himself again.'

Thing is DWP, he is essentially tantrumming all over your life, and making unrealistic demands and never being happy. It's disrespectful - and foolish in a man of his age - and not your fault. Do you want to carry on battling with him?

I hope these 9 days give you some time to clear your head. Cod is right, you don't have to leave him - but always good To Have A Plan.

TheDevilEatsNestle · 20/03/2008 00:24

Oh it just gets fucking better. I am so angry I am shaking right now.

I just went to bed, taking DD with me as she has been a bit poorly and was restless. I turned on my bedside lamp and he leapt awake and yelled at me to 'turn it the fuck off'. I told him I wanted to read and to go back to sleep and leave me alone and he leant over me, unplugged my lamp and threw it on the floor. This is the first DD has seen of him all day,what a lovely thing to witness. I stormed out of the room with DD in my arms as I had no clue what else to do.

She's now on the sofa with a book and I can't see myself getting much sleep.

TheDevilEatsNestle · 20/03/2008 00:31

I have my BF on msn now , chatting to her then will attempt to go to bed again.
This is so damn ridiculous.

yurt1 · 20/03/2008 07:20

I think you need to lay down the law Devil. Either he takes an anger management course/ goes for counseling/ does something positive that shows he recognises that his behaviour is utterly inappropriate - or you leave.

Really no-one can live like you are. It needs to be sorted whilst you still have the stength to.

A little anecdote. When I was in 6th form (many years ago) I worked in Sainsbury's. I remember a man (who looked like the Black Adder Baby Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells) came through the till with his wife. He had forgotten something so went off to fetch it. The queue was huge and I carried on putting stuff through whilst his wife stood nervously next to the till saying 'oh dear he won't like you doing this'. I didn't really have a clue what she was talking about. When he arrived back he shouted to his wife "I have told you before you are NOT to let these girls put my shopping through if I am not here to watch.' He then refused to pay me until he had checked every single item on the bill (which thank god was correct ) whilst his wife stood at the end of the till. I have an image of her fluttering. Anyway I was incensed- and all the people in the queue behind told me how awful he was. I went home and recounted the story to my Mum and made a comment about his wife being a bit pathetic and not standing up to him (I was 17, life was easy). I remember clearly my Mum pointing out that I had no idea what he did to his wife at home and that chances are she had got a real telling off that day for allowing me to put the shopping down. She explained that the poor woman was probably utterly bullied by him and unable to leave because he would have ripped her of all belief in herself.

It was quite a good lesson- and 20 years later I still remember the incident really clearly. Don't let yourself get to that stage. You need to stand up to him before he bullies everything out of you. He sounds very controlling. And he needs to realise that if he doesn't change you will go. I hope he can change (FWIW I think people can) but he won't unless you can get him to understand that his behaviour is unacceptable. Really it is. It's awful, bullying, controlling behaviour.

3NAB · 20/03/2008 07:25

STOP letting him do this to you and your DD.

Tell him, it stops right now or the marriage is over.

I feel so angry for you that you are having this on you.

I have no electricity today after 8 so I am not ignoring you if I can't come back.

I hope you have a lovely day with your DD.

Threadworm · 20/03/2008 07:57

I am really apprehensive about posting this because only you know the context of the bedside lamp incident, and earlier events posted on this thread do show that your DH is capable of being very unreasonable, but if I went to bed after my DH was asleep I wouldn't turn the light on to read.

Perhaps if he is really tired this would justify irritation at being kept from sleeping (though of course if you were only up because of dc and he isn't sharing in this you have grounds for anger too.)

Oh God I'm afraid I am out of line. But I thought that in a context where he is constantly being unreasonable, you might have lost perspective a little bit on the areas in which his annoyance is reasonable??

Beetroot · 20/03/2008 08:02

my dh would leave my bedside light on for me if he went to bed first. - that is what a loving man does

Threadworm - he threw the lamp !

yurt1 · 20/03/2008 08:05

I think even if the bedside lamp thing was thoughtless (and I'm not sure it was- I don't mind lights being turned on for example- so I guess the reasonableness of it depends on his usual level of irritation at a light being turned on.

Even if it was a bit thoughtless his response is inappropriate.

yurt1 · 20/03/2008 08:06

Rhubarb that's what we do too.

Buda · 20/03/2008 08:09

I have been thinking about the bedside lamp thing too tbh. If I went to bed and DH was asleep and he hadn't put my lamp on (which he normally would) and I then put it on and it woke him up he would not be happy. He would sigh and turn over in a huff. End off.

So maybe TDWP was a bit thoughtless but she did also have her DD. His reaction was completely over the top. To throw the lamp - esp in front of a poorly child - is totally out of order.

NotQuiteCockney · 20/03/2008 08:10

Hmmm, I sometimes find it a bit annoying when DH wants to read and I want to sleep, and the light bugs me a bit. (Must buy a proper little reading light for our room - I'm sure my light bugs him sometimes too!)

It's reasonable to say 'I can't cope with this'. Or to move to another room/bed. It's not at all reasonable, ever, to unplug a lamp and throw it on the floor. Sorry, no.