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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just realised I have been slowly but surely abused by my DH. Please tell me I am right.

488 replies

Icanttakeanymore · 07/03/2008 19:52

I's very tiny things. He won't get up in a morning unless I bring him coffee and organise his work clothes.
He gets angry if he comes in and there is any mess. He refuses to speak to me or play with the DC until I have sorted it out.

It came to a head last night, when after a bad day when I had insane period pains and the DC were extra rowdy he came home, poured my coffee down the sink and ripped up the magazine I had bought earlier. This was because I hadn't hoovered.
He then said some amazingly hurtful things which have really made me wonder if he cares about us at all.

I work too, but only part time, but it is seen as my job to do everything around the house.

Is this just how all men are? (I know the answer)

OP posts:
TheDevilWearsPenneys · 17/03/2008 15:44

Thanks it means so much to know I have others thinking about me. I hope you don't mind if I rant right now.
I didn't go out, and I also didn't go out on Saturday for my friends 'Leaving London' party. I am devastated about that as I won't see her now for at least six months.

We otherwise had quite a nice family weekend, except when the bill in the park cafe on Saturday came to £38. I was a bit shocked too, but paid and accepted it but DH has ranted at me since and told me I recklessly spend.
We were out with a friend and her DD, who I told I would treat, and had lunch and coffees and ice creams so for the three adults and 3 children I don't think it was too bad.

He even mentioned it this morning, and again now on the phone. Just get over it you twat.

Now to add to my troubles our new washing machine delivery has been delayed and this is apparently my fault. He just hung up on me.
I had had a nice day up until now. Now I just want to sit and cry.

peasoup · 17/03/2008 15:59

I thought he'd apologised and you'd told him it was abuse and you wouldn't tolerate it anymore? Please remind him of this. What do you say to him when he rants at you for spending money in a cafe? Do you accept this criticism meekly? I know it's hard work when you aren't a confrontational person and it's knackering to have to keep sticking up for yourself, but I think you're going to have to make a habit of sticking up for yourself as it sounds like if you don't he just takes the piss. Tell him you're tierd of being told off as if you're a child and you won't put up with it anymore. Ask him how he would feel if you bolloked him and criticised him all day. Hang up on him if he speaks like that and don't answer the phone if he calls back. Let him leave an apology on the answerphone. They need training to behave like decine thuman beings some of these men. It is tough to train them, but if you're a Mum I'm sure you've had practice with toddlers. I'm so sorry; it must be so wearying for you. Maybe you need a RL buddy who can coach you; who you can call for support when you're crying and he's being so bloody bossy who can give you pep talks for sticking up for yourself.

TheDevilWearsPenneys · 17/03/2008 16:04

peasoup, he was in the cafe too. Which grates me even more. But now it is my fault apparantly.

It's not about the money I know that, he just wants something to gripe about. I don't know how much longer I can take it.

It's small things too such as last night I was in bed reading and he came to bed and fell asleep almost straight away. He then woke up and told me the door hadn't been bolt locked and the tv was still on. I told him to sort it out himself and he refused, so I ended up doing it.

Anna8888 · 17/03/2008 16:07

TDWP - why didn't you just leave the door unbolted and the TV on all night?

GermaineSneer · 17/03/2008 16:08

does eh think he loves oyu dwp?
it soudsn liek the relationship bteween two flat mates hwo detest each other.
i dont really see from what oyu haev written heere that there si anypoint in continuing hte marriage is there?

i dont hink he will changeo

GermaineSneer · 17/03/2008 16:09

the whoel envirmonement soudns unrestful adn scarey.
ahev oyu looked at leaving?

Buda · 17/03/2008 16:10

Oh dear - he sounds like a total pain in the ass.

Relate?

You need someone objective to point it out to him.

TheDevilWearsPenneys · 17/03/2008 16:10

Anna because I care about these things.

GermaineSneer · 17/03/2008 16:11

i cant see how folk say realate
there is no sembalnce of love or cherishign here.
she is a servant to him he si TOO TIRED to care for his own kids?
guve me a break

Katisha · 17/03/2008 16:12

Someone I know had a lot of help from reading this book and the one Amazon have it on offer with. Really opened her eyes. OK so it's not physical abuse but people shouldn't discount verbal.

GermaineSneer · 17/03/2008 16:13

its abuse

GermaineSneer · 17/03/2008 16:14

i foudn this very sueful on a course i was on recently

peasoup · 17/03/2008 16:15

Do you tell him he's being a twat? I'm just curious as to whether you let him get away with this behaviour? You say on your post about the spending in the cafe "Just get over it you twat". Do you actually say that to him or just think it; because it sounds like it needs to be said!! The conversation about him abusing you that you had earlier in the thread with him which led to him going all quiet and apologising-it sounds like you need to keep having that conversation with him until his behaviour improves. It sounds to me like he's forgotten about it already.

Brangelina · 17/03/2008 16:15

Blimey, he sounds a bit like my DP, although he does go a bit further than my DP would ever dare.
I also get blamed for everything. I now resort to shouting at him that people who constantly blame everyone else are insecure wimps who can't cope with reality.
He shouted at me this morning because I asked him to put DD's socks on (because she had said she wanted Daddy to do it). I shouted right back to change his tone and how dare he speak to me like that. All this shouting is no good for DD but alas it's the only thing he understands. He has just called me all nice as if nothing happened, I told him I won't tolerate any more of this rubbish and he just giggled like a nervous schoolboy.
My DP is a very spoilt brat with a weirdo mother and it seems his ex wife let him get away with a lot of rubbish. I have never given into bullying behaviour yet he still tries it on from time to time. You have my sympathies, it is wearing.

Buda · 17/03/2008 16:15

Do you love him?

Do you think he loves you?

If yes then Relate may help to save the marriage if you want it to be saved.

GermaineSneer · 17/03/2008 16:16

i think she is scared of him peasoup

justifaibly

SixSpotBurnet · 17/03/2008 16:17

Do you think he really understands the effect his behaviour is having on you?

TheDevilWearsPenneys · 17/03/2008 16:17

Peasoup I did tell him that but he just keeps nagging about it.

(cod?) That wheel is quite interesting to see, thanks.

Katisha · 17/03/2008 16:18

People who emotionally abuse live in a different reality from those they attack - he won't understand the effect it has or care. As far as they are concerned they are the hard done by ones.

Brangelina · 17/03/2008 16:18

Please don't be scared of him, he is a coward. You stood up to him last week and he gave in with a wimper. You just have to keep doing it, so he doesn't think it was just a blip. Treat him like a dog to be trained, becasue that's how he's treating you.

Meeely2 · 17/03/2008 16:26

TDWP - i have come into this late on - but have been reading from the start. Everyone has been saying what i wanted to say before i could type it!

I would suggest though, leaving things NOT DONE if he doesn't do them - he's not an invalid, just because he works doesn't mean he can't lock a door or switch off a tele. He's behaving like a child because he can. He knows if he doesn't do it, it will get done.

If things stop being done as he expects it, yes he will get angry, but if you don't retaliate with anger too, and just calmly explain that he is a grown up with arms and legs too, and he is CAPABLE of doing these things i would imagine that the message will sink in.

However, my gut instinct shouts at me that he just isn't the man for you. Did he used to make your tummy do flip flops? did you ever used to laugh together? have you got anything you can remind him of to give him a shake? If he has always been like this and for whatever reason you loved him enough to marry him, then i think you have grown apart....you seem to have had a wake up moment where this behaviour no longer floats your boat.....in which case my only advice would be to start preparing for a split.

I am so sorry you are feeling the way you do, because from past experience when you are feeling down beat and trodden all over, nothing seems to lift you out of it - so i'm not sure your dh can change enough to make you as happy as you deserve to be.

TheDevilWearsPenneys · 17/03/2008 16:27

Brangelina I often tell DH I don't like his tone, rather than shout at him, and he just turns it back and says he doesn't like mine. It really is like trying to have a reasonable conversation with a hysterical 8 year old sometimes.

Anna8888 · 17/03/2008 16:38

TDWP - stop caring so much. They are totally unimportant in the scale of things. It is much, much more important not to let him walk all over you than to turn the TV off.

Buda · 17/03/2008 16:43

Anna - I see what you are saying but I couldn't just leave the door unlocked. Could you?

TheDevilWearsPenneys · 17/03/2008 16:44

Meely thanks. Yes we had an amazing relationshipat first, we met very young. We still do have a great relationship from time to time. We travel a lot with his work and when we live abroad we seem to mesh better, almost as if he feels less secure in a different environment and I feel better as I am much better at organising and planning so can sort things out for us all. But when we are back here we just get back into the same rut of me doing everything for him, and nothing for myself.
Forgive me if I sound like I'm talking rubbish.