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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

On my way out and suddenly my relationship is perfect

263 replies

sundaymorningbliss · 14/10/2023 07:49

I wasn't happy here. Felt used, felt I didn't get anything out of it, felt I will be better on my own.

DP has DD who is 11. We live together, but I'm seen as a competition by her and every time she is here (most of the time when DP isn't at work), I feel like a spare part in my own home, like OW. Their relationship isn't healthy. I was fighting for a normal life but accepted this isn't something I can get here. I knew I had to leave them to it and move on.

I bought a house. DP knew I was doing it but couldn't get over it.
I can still date him but living together isn't on the cards any more. For him I have moved 30 miles away form my family and support network, further away from my work, so he can be close to his daughter and see her as much as he could.

There was a lot of arguments and disrespect. He now blames it on his mental health issues. Now he realised what he was doing and apologised. He wants to work on our relationship as it can be ideal. I still want to move out of here. He was trying to push me to rent my new home and stay here with him for a few more months because he won't cope without me and we can figure something out during this time. I refused to do it.

If I say that I still want to move and live separately, he insists I have now put him in awkward situation and he is forced to chose between me and his DD because moving 30miles away and having DD 50% of time will not be possible. I would never do it. I didn't want him to move with me. I wanted to have my safe space, be close to family again and said he should be close to his DD and stay were we currently are. He wants to live together and wants to move to be with me. He is already making plans how I will be helping him to see his DD as much as possible, and this will include me doing 60miles round trips to drop his DD to school on some days when he will be at work. For this to happen my days in the office (hybrid working with set days) will need to be changed, I will need to start later than I normally would. But I don't even want to do it, yet it makes me feel like a bad guy because of course, he would do it for me if roles were reversed!

He begs, he cries, he says he is suffering and can't get his head around us having to live separately. He is now giving me what I always ashek for and what has been ignored.

I'm losing strength and feel like I have to give in to avoid hurting him. It was toxic but he is promising it will be all fine now.

Any advice please? I need a kick
I can't get over a feeling that I'm hurting him and it is all my fault.

OP posts:

XiCi · 14/10/2023 07:56

I really hope you find just that last little bit of strength to finish what you've started. You've come so far and have a happier life in touching distance, don't let him manipulate you.
Guaranteed that as soon as you rent that house out and stay with him things will go back to exactly as they were before. Also what he us suggesting is completely unfair on you and his dd. Stay strong!

Denimdreams · 14/10/2023 08:03

Oh dear his childcare is going tits up so he's having a tantrum.
Seriously don't fall for it!

Denimdreams · 14/10/2023 08:06

BTW this is highly manipulative behaviour on his part to get what he wants.
He had all the time before but as you say it was toxic.
His behaviour now is toxic
You are not responsible for his feelings either.

Antst · 14/10/2023 08:07

You need to end this relationship. You know you do. Not just for your benefit but for the daughter's.

She may be a pain, but she is also the child of chaos. Her parents have split, her father has clearly been clueless/lazy about how to have a new relationship in a way that makes her feel secure. It's completely inappropriate that he is framing this situation as "having to choose" between you and his daughter. He is the one who is setting this up as a competition and it's not fair on the kid.

The child has no control over what's going on but you do.

This man sounds immature and chaotic. DO NOT make any changes to your working schedule. You know you can't count on this man to support you if anything goes wrong at your work (e.g., if you end up late/exhausted because of all the driving).

Beamur · 14/10/2023 08:07

Manipulative tantrums...
I remember your previous thread. Move out, don't let him move in with you.

Starseeking · 14/10/2023 08:08

You know in your heart buying your house and moving out, and moving on, is the right thing for you to do.

Stay resolute regarding his about face (you are guaranteed he will revert back to business as usual as soon as you capitulate), and focus on completing these last steps into your new life.

You can do it!

Crucible · 14/10/2023 08:12

It won't be fine at all if you give in now and it appears from your posts that this is the hard bit but the right bit, for everyone involved. Good luck (and I'm sort to say that it absolutely doesn't seem feasible that you can now date him).

Velvian · 14/10/2023 08:13

He is not forced to choose between you and Dd, because he is not invited. You will not be changing your work and doing long journeys ferrying his DD around, because he will not be there.

I think you need a clean break and forget the dating part. He is not good for you at all. His manipulation shows a dating scenario with him is totally unrealistic. It will be hard and upsetting ripping the plaster off, but so much better after.

Enjoy your new house @sundaymorningbliss , you can do the last bit.

BeyondMyWits · 14/10/2023 08:15

"I am not making you choose. I am no longer an option."... the only answer to give to that sort of whine.

As others have said, he would revert to old behaviour once you were back.

loseweightpleasegod · 14/10/2023 08:17

Seems like manipulation. Move and have your own space for at least 6 months and then review. Don’t give him everything his own way.

AgnesX · 14/10/2023 08:21

XiCi · 14/10/2023 07:56

A vote for the above.

Grit your teeth, ignore the histrionics and go. They both need to realise that you are not to be used and abused.

daisychain01 · 14/10/2023 08:27

He wants you to do a 60 mile round trip to take his DD to school.

honestly he's delusional, tell him to swivel.

Morewineplease10 · 14/10/2023 08:27

Just go op. He sounds like a manipulative man child.

He's had years to sort this out.

You'll be way happier without him a little further down the line.

Thighdentitycrisis · 14/10/2023 08:27

It is not your fault he is carrying on like this

You are taking action to meet your needs and you know you want to have your own space

Maybe you will live together again when she is grown up?

1smallhamsterfoot · 14/10/2023 08:30

He’s freaking out cos his new “kids mum who will do all the parenting work” has caught on. He’s panicking cos you. Aint gonna be there to look after HIS kid. Tell him to fuck off.

Kweenbee · 14/10/2023 08:30

Erm, have you got anything out of this relationship except being used for free childcare and taxi services? Walk away. He sounds manipulative and not worth the candle. I guarantee he'll find some other mug after you've gone and are living a happier life, even if it takes a little while to get over the inevitable sadness.

areyouhavinglaugh · 14/10/2023 08:32

He's shown you who he is, and will not change unless it serves him.

Move into your new home and don't look back!

PeakABoocha · 14/10/2023 08:34

He wants to live together and wants to move to be with me. He is already making plans how I will be helping him to see his DD as much as possible, and this will include me doing 60miles round trips to drop his DD to school on some days when he will be at work. For this to happen my days in the office (hybrid working with set days) will need to be changed, I will need to start later than I normally would.

If that is what ‘giving you all you ever asked for’, I dread to think how he was before!!

He hasn’t changed his spots. He is just trying to win you over again so you can carry on all the unpaid and unappreciated work you have been doing for him.

nibblessquibbles · 14/10/2023 08:34

You need head space. And having him plead and beg won't give you that headspace. You need to just move out and tell him that you're moving out alone. Him and his DD are not coming . If you want to break it gently, tell him you can review the situation after a few months.

But I think you'll feel differently once you've left !

rockingbird · 14/10/2023 08:38

He begs, he cries, he says he is suffering and can't get his head around us having to live separately. He is now giving me what I always ashek for and what has been ignored.

All little too late, run for the hills 🏃‍♀️ as others have said, you are in touching distance of a new trouble free life!

wildwestpioneer · 14/10/2023 08:39

He's making plans for you to do a 60 mile round trip to take his dd to school - this isn't the actions of a man trying to make amends, this is the actions of a man who wants to continue to use you for free childcare

ProudThrilledHappy · 14/10/2023 08:40

I remember your old thread, she was licking his face in your bed. There was definitely something not right there, has that stopped? I agree with PPs this is a short term act to keep you around, walk away from the shitshow!

Mistressanne · 14/10/2023 08:40

If he really wanted you for yourself and the relationship he would be asking how you would like to see your future together.
His dd is his responsibility and it’s up to him to facilitate his time with her including school drop offs.
I agree with pp’s, he’s panicking because his housekeeper/childcare is leaving.

Loubelle70 · 14/10/2023 08:40

Denimdreams · 14/10/2023 08:03

Oh dear his childcare is going tits up so he's having a tantrum.
Seriously don't fall for it!

This

Catsafterme · 14/10/2023 08:42

Your gut is telling you something, that it doesn't feel right and you want your independence, safe space and support network but your head is going against your gut as a result of his behavior and promises.

In my opinion, you shouldn't even be having to be in this situation in the first place or having to think about it. Consideration for you would have been made before now, not as an after thought.

Be wary of the conflict between gut and head, and also be wary of future faking. Trust your gut.

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