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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

On my way out and suddenly my relationship is perfect

263 replies

sundaymorningbliss · 14/10/2023 07:49

I wasn't happy here. Felt used, felt I didn't get anything out of it, felt I will be better on my own.

DP has DD who is 11. We live together, but I'm seen as a competition by her and every time she is here (most of the time when DP isn't at work), I feel like a spare part in my own home, like OW. Their relationship isn't healthy. I was fighting for a normal life but accepted this isn't something I can get here. I knew I had to leave them to it and move on.

I bought a house. DP knew I was doing it but couldn't get over it.
I can still date him but living together isn't on the cards any more. For him I have moved 30 miles away form my family and support network, further away from my work, so he can be close to his daughter and see her as much as he could.

There was a lot of arguments and disrespect. He now blames it on his mental health issues. Now he realised what he was doing and apologised. He wants to work on our relationship as it can be ideal. I still want to move out of here. He was trying to push me to rent my new home and stay here with him for a few more months because he won't cope without me and we can figure something out during this time. I refused to do it.

If I say that I still want to move and live separately, he insists I have now put him in awkward situation and he is forced to chose between me and his DD because moving 30miles away and having DD 50% of time will not be possible. I would never do it. I didn't want him to move with me. I wanted to have my safe space, be close to family again and said he should be close to his DD and stay were we currently are. He wants to live together and wants to move to be with me. He is already making plans how I will be helping him to see his DD as much as possible, and this will include me doing 60miles round trips to drop his DD to school on some days when he will be at work. For this to happen my days in the office (hybrid working with set days) will need to be changed, I will need to start later than I normally would. But I don't even want to do it, yet it makes me feel like a bad guy because of course, he would do it for me if roles were reversed!

He begs, he cries, he says he is suffering and can't get his head around us having to live separately. He is now giving me what I always ashek for and what has been ignored.

I'm losing strength and feel like I have to give in to avoid hurting him. It was toxic but he is promising it will be all fine now.

Any advice please? I need a kick
I can't get over a feeling that I'm hurting him and it is all my fault.

OP posts:
FairyMaclary · 14/10/2023 08:42

If he moves in with you then he will whine ‘but I moved 30 miles for you, you need to do x or y or z. I’ve given up everything for you’.

He needs to take responsibility and create a stable home for his child. He’s selfish and all me me me.

If you can move out immediately - let him tantrum alone.

FairyMaclary · 14/10/2023 08:44

I mean he could go part time and damage his income and career like thousands of women do. But hey no he’d prefer you (the non parent) to change her hours. You couldn’t make it up 😂 selfish turd.

TodayForTomorrow · 14/10/2023 08:47

Agree with all of the above. Don't continue the relationship as living separately because you will be sucked back in to a situation you know doesn't work. It will also stop you meeting another man if that is something you want to explore.

daisychain01 · 14/10/2023 08:48

Think about the reason you've bought a house, it's to get away not have him clinging on like a limpet.

he's a user.

Quitelikeacatslife · 14/10/2023 08:49

Trouble is he thinks he has his DD (and probably thinks he is great dad) because she isn't at her mothers but at his house, but he's not there. If he only saw her when he does now, when he is actually there, is that 50/50?
He could come and visit you when he doesn't have DD right? If you want him to? Then he can single parent the rest of the time in his house and will have to adjust his work accordingly or pay for childcare, welcome to the real world

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/10/2023 08:50

Christ almighty woman - don’t fall for it.

He will say anything he can to manipulate you so he can have what he wants - it’s nothing to do with what you want or need or what is best for you.

Move out, move on. Quite simply, don’t sell yourself out. Don’t betray yourself because he’s whinging and demanding. Stay strong and follow what you know to be right.

TreeHuggerMum1 · 14/10/2023 08:51

Run, don’t walk!
Stay strong.

AlisonDonut · 14/10/2023 08:55

So what if you do hurt him? You are allowed to end a relationship whenever the fuck you want.

Original poster
sundaymorningbliss · 14/10/2023 08:56

All your comments are really giving my head a wobble, thank you!
I'm not doing any childcare for him, we had arguments about that but I stood my ground.

The comment about gut instinct V head is spot on and the suggestion of me moving out and telling him we can revise it after a few months is good too.

Our house was rented unfurnished. All furniture we have is mine so I'm going to take it with me. That's another point he doesn't like. Says he cant afford to live here so will need to rent a room or move somewhere cheaper. Doesn't want to move to a flat because his mental health will deteriorate and it's my fault for turning his life upside down and not appreciating what we have. Doesn't want to buy furniture because doesn't want to sell it a few month down the line when in his head we will be living together again.

I still want good for him, I want him to be happy. I just don't want to be the person having to accommodate it all

OP posts:
watcherintherye · 14/10/2023 08:56

Seize the day and live your own life. You’ve only got one go at it.

nomoretoriesforme · 14/10/2023 08:57

He is toxic and manipulative. Run!

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/10/2023 08:59

So he’s basically saying lay down and let
me walk over you or it’ll ruin my life waaaaah

What a piece of work.

UsernameNotAvailableIsNotAvailableEither · 14/10/2023 09:01

OP, he hasn’t changed. By your house, move into it, and ditch this arsehole, you deserve better.

Deafdonkey · 14/10/2023 09:02

It has taken me a long time to realise that I am not responsible for any adults happiness. Only they have the controls on happiness, whatever you do, or whatever you give it isn't enough.

You are in such a good position now, honestly grab it and don't look back, if he wanted to change he would have. If you let him move in you will never get him or his daughter out

Hibambinos · 14/10/2023 09:07

You have come so far!! Don’t back down now you’ll regret it . This is your chance to move on, just end it and mean it. Walk away.

LuckOfTheDrawer · 14/10/2023 09:09

I don't understand the title at all - there's nothing perfect about any of this.

Your current situation isn't working for you, and your partner is proposing to make it significantly worse.

Stay strong OP.

ThreeLeggedKitten · 14/10/2023 09:09

I think I’d be tempted to move your furniture into storage and go stay with your mum. I wouldn’t tolerate all this emotional manipulation. He can probably replace the furniture cheaply through gumtree, Facebook market place and ikea

PierceMorgansChin · 14/10/2023 09:09

So he is begging, crying, whining and looking for you to save him. What a fine specimen! You sound like bad arse, get rid of the toxic waste

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/10/2023 09:10

Urgh, I'm cringing at the idea of him wailing that he'd have to buy his own furniture and he wouldn't have your income paying for a nice house for him to not parent his own child.

Just go. And end it properly once you're out.

rockingbird · 14/10/2023 09:11

Ah your second post makes it even more clearer. He needs you more than you need him, he's manipulating the situation into how he wants it all to pan out. He can't afford to live there without you, the furniture is all yours! Basically he's left with very little, not quite how he'd like envisaged it. Move and say what someone said earlier - you need some space, give yourself 3 months and then see how you feel. He's pleading because you are basically keeping everything going.. and have been for a very long time!

Lose10kyesterday · 14/10/2023 09:11

So basically, he expects you to continue leading a miserable life in order to make his own life better? Hard no!

Livelovebehappy · 14/10/2023 09:11

Carry on with your plans. He is torn between his daughters needs and yours. You need to make the decision for him, and go and live by yourself. I’m guessing what you really want is for him to follow you, and leave his daughter. It won’t end well, and if he did this, he would start to resent you (although maybe not. Some dads can brutally abandon their dcs for ‘love’)

Catsafterme · 14/10/2023 09:11

He's a grown man, life and circumstances change. Regardless of mental health issues, he needs to deal with that and his situation himself.

You can't be expected to be a therapist/life line if the relationship is already fraught and is going against everything you want for your own life.

What will happen is you will compromise on everything and his mental health, child situation won't improve and you'll be bound to that situation financially as well as emotionally.

Also, take it from me, when you move away from your support network, it ramps up and shit hits the fan big time. You'll be isolated and more susceptible to psychological and emotional manipulation as you won't have anyone but him to depend on.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 09:13

Their relationship isn't healthy

how so?

Wholelotagrey · 14/10/2023 09:15

This is not your fault it’s his…. It’s HIS actions that brought you to this place! His feelings are no one’s responsibility but his own!! You’ve done the hard bit hang in there… do you really envisage this situation for the next 20/30 years of your life?! Please don’t settle for less than you deserve… and he does not deserve you!