On my way out and suddenly my relationship is perfect

[sundaymorningbliss]

I wasn't happy here. Felt used, felt I didn't get anything out of it, felt I will be better on my own.

DP has DD who is 11. We live together, but I'm seen as a competition by her and every time she is here (most of the time when DP isn't at work), I feel like a spare part in my own home, like OW. Their relationship isn't healthy. I was fighting for a normal life but accepted this isn't something I can get here. I knew I had to leave them to it and move on.

I bought a house. DP knew I was doing it but couldn't get over it.
I can still date him but living together isn't on the cards any more. For him I have moved 30 miles away form my family and support network, further away from my work, so he can be close to his daughter and see her as much as he could.

There was a lot of arguments and disrespect. He now blames it on his mental health issues. Now he realised what he was doing and apologised. He wants to work on our relationship as it can be ideal. I still want to move out of here. He was trying to push me to rent my new home and stay here with him for a few more months because he won't cope without me and we can figure something out during this time. I refused to do it.

If I say that I still want to move and live separately, he insists I have now put him in awkward situation and he is forced to chose between me and his DD because moving 30miles away and having DD 50% of time will not be possible. I would never do it. I didn't want him to move with me. I wanted to have my safe space, be close to family again and said he should be close to his DD and stay were we currently are. He wants to live together and wants to move to be with me. He is already making plans how I will be helping him to see his DD as much as possible, and this will include me doing 60miles round trips to drop his DD to school on some days when he will be at work. For this to happen my days in the office (hybrid working with set days) will need to be changed, I will need to start later than I normally would. But I don't even want to do it, yet it makes me feel like a bad guy because of course, he would do it for me if roles were reversed!

He begs, he cries, he says he is suffering and can't get his head around us having to live separately. He is now giving me what I always ashek for and what has been ignored.

I'm losing strength and feel like I have to give in to avoid hurting him. It was toxic but he is promising it will be all fine now.

Any advice please? I need a kick
I can't get over a feeling that I'm hurting him and it is all my fault.

I'm sure he "cares" about you but listen to what he is saying. "I'll move with you and you can drive my daughter back and forth to school, 60 miles round trip". The daughter gives you no respect. He is still trying to get you to stay with him, so he can see his DD. Who watches the child when he is gone? I am sorry, but I think he'll miss having someone around to do the heavy lifting.

He hurt himself with his behavior. You did NOTHING wrong. At all. Move to your glorious new house and enjoy the peace and quiet. You certainly deserve it.

Well done OP for not caving this far - take it to its logical conclusion and split up with this man. You owe him nothing at all. You can have the sentiment of wanting him to be happy without giving him a single more gram of attention - it's up to him to sort out his own life. He's manipulative and grasping. He doesn't love you if he treats you like this.

Doesn't want to move to a flat because his mental health will deteriorate and it's my fault for turning his life upside down and not appreciating what we have. - don't listen to this bullshit, you have every right to leave a relationship that isn't working for you. He's responsible for himself, you aren't. Go and don't look back.

So if you pull out the pertinent points

He wants the furniture
He wants you there when he chooses to give you attention
He wants sex, when his daughter is at her mum's I'm presuming
He'd like you to run around after his daughter if he can't do it.

Did he mention anything about loving you...?

Look forward a few months. A house near family, friends and work. Space in your own place to do what you want. No one making you feel out of place.

I'd imagine after a few weeks you won't want him around. I think he's a habit, and your future will be better with you in charge.

Book a moving van for when he's at work. Get boxes so you can pile his stuff up.

Oh dear his childcare is going tits up so he's having a tantrum.
Seriously don't fall for it!
They are a mess, from way before your time. Do not let yourself be manipulated.
They will contaminate you eventually, Move further away if you can.

Have you ever heard the saying, "Clutching at straws?" He is clutching a case full.
It's not YOUR job to take care of him. He is acting like a petulant child trying every trick in the book to make you feel guilty. You are not an extension of HIS life, nor he yours, but he is trying to tie you to him with every excuse under the sun.

DO NOT feel guilty. He now knows that he will have to step up and be a man, and he doesn't like it. Tough titties! He is trying so hard to manipulate you, and it sounds like he is very good at it. It's not real, it's his "fantasy" that he is incapable of providing in reality.

YOU have a right to be happy, fulfilled and in your own house with your furniture, and he is just going to have to cope with it. I hope you get to move soon, like this weekend.

P.S. Him using his "mental health" to try and manipulate you shows just how narcissist he is acting. People can have mental health issues, but using it as an excuse is pathetic. let him go get help for it...

Not your circus, not your clown car.

I'm really confused by your title to be honest. "Suddenly the relationship is perfect" but what you've described as the situation now is very far from perfect? You've got a man having a tantrum because you make life much easier for him and he is trying to suck you in to a situation where he has thought out how to minimise the adulting he'll have to do once you move - that's clearly his priority. You say "this is all I ever wanted". Really?? My advice is set your bar higher and do some reflection on why someone who doesn't have your back and only thinks of himself - seriously, where is his consideration of you in any of his arguments? - is what you always asked for. You deserve soooo much better!

This sums up what I was about to say.
OP, sometimes it helps if you imagine a friend telling you that story, and what advice you would give them. I bet your advice would be RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
Seriously, get out and don't look back.

Keep to your plan and leave in fact leave him full stop.
You can do better.
Hes doing now what should have been done in the first place but its to late dont change your mind.
Hes changed things for now but hes doing it for show

Leave and get on with your life let him have his tantrum.
He sounds like he just wanted free child care and someone to play part time mummy its his child not your responsibility.
RUN FOR THE HILLS AND DONT LOOK BACK.

Ive been there.
Speaking from experience.
Better of single baggage and drama free.
Future dating advice make sure the next man as no children.
No moving in together.
Learn from it.
Get moving staying a day extra is a day lost on your new life.
Off you go and the best of luck.

This is the man whose 11 year old dd comes into your bedroom, climbs on top of him beside you and licks his face, isn’t it? And stares at you smiling when you ask her not to, and does it again? And he first said there was nothing wrong with that and she can kiss him however she likes, then he agreed it was wrong and would stop her doing it, but he didn’t stop her.

As you said in your first post, the relationship is toxic and you get nothing out of it. He’s manipulating you to get you to stay in the relationship. Dating him but not living together, or moving him in with you, isn’t an option, you know that. Everything will revolve around how often he can see his dd. Don’t fall for it. It’s good that you’ve come this far but you can’t let him pull you back in. You know 100% what will happen.

You might feel sorry for the dd but she isn’t your responsibility. She has two parents who look after her jointly, and her emotional and behavioural problems are for them to address.

Any advice please? I need a kick

Kick, kick, kick, kick... (up the backside if that's where you need it)

Make a mental list. On one side, everything you do for, give to, provide for him. On the other side, everything he does for, gives to, provides for you. Note the difference in the length of the first list compared to the second. Move.

You are not responsible for his happiness, mental health or anything else, most of which is just him trying to guilt you into not taking away everything you've done for him (see above). He's taken absolutely no responsibility for your happiness or mental health. He's a user. Leave and don't cast so much as a glance over your shoulder.

Stick to your guns! You are not responsible for his life so just wave in the mirror as you drive away. Good luck and stay strong.

@sundaymorningbliss
There was a lot of arguments and disrespect. He now blames it on his mental health issues

Does he actually have a diagnosed mental health condition for which he is receiving treatment from medical professionals or is he one of these who suddenly has "mental health issues" as soon as he doesn't get his own way?

I'm afraid I'm very skeptical of these things these days after my ex constantly claimed to have "depression" but only when he was asked to contribute more by either looking for work or doing the bulk of the house work or in fact, asked to do anything else he didn't want to do.

This bloke sounds manipulative to be honest. And anyway, even if he does have a genuine mental health condition, you are not his doctor or therapist or psychologist and it is not your responsibility if his condition worsens.

I had a quick look at your other thread and then remembered I had replied to it at the time under a different username. This relationship is just not workable. He is behaving exactly the same way as his daughter - using tears etc. to manipulate.

I think you should leave, end the relationship and don't look back.
Do not do the whole "dating" thing because he'll behave himself and you'll have the "perfect" relationship until the second he wangles his way into moving in with you. Which he will!! I can predict what will happen - 2 or 3 months after you move into your new place, he will suddenly have either an "accommodation emergency" or a "work emergency" - eg. he can't afford to live where he is now but can't find somewhere to rent which is good enough for the little prince , possibly ends up crashing on someone's sofa or something and then manipulates his way back in with you because he and his daughter are "homeless" OR he loses his job or quits because of mental health issues etc OR possibly both.
Then you find it hard to refuse to let him live with you because you feel (wrongly) that the whole situation is your fault for leaving him in the first place.
And then you've got a cocklodger and a big problem.

Please do yourself a favour and make a clean break.

Stay strong.

Get free of him as soon as possible, and when you do, block him on everything. As you recognised for yourself, you don't want to be the person who accommodates him, who provides him with the life he'd like to have.

He is desperate to keep you, to keep using you.

He wants you there to facilitate an easy life for him. Childcare and furniture are the forefront of his mind.

@sundaymorningbliss please go through with your plans. Women have a habit of feeling bad or sorry for male partners. Men rarely reciprocate. If your partner was unhappy with your arrangement he would not hesitate to ditch you. Choose happiness and move out asap. I wish you well.

I have never wanted to cheer someone on as much as I do you, OP. Run to that new home. Buy it. Live there alone and have your happily ever after.

You don’t need to feel like the bad guy- you have agency over your own decisions as does he. Move away and move on. Rebuild your life with friends and family.

He isn’t giving you what you want he is giving you li service and manipulating you.
leave to your new home and life.
Your not his dad childcare or taxi driver .

Leave him

I would leave the furniture. Just take the stuff you love.
Not the bed he fuck you on . Not The bed your step daughter slept. Not the sofa they both sat.on .
Just leave the toxic memories and go

Run for the hills and don't look back. What a leech!

Oh and please, PLEASE do not take him back and into your house. I have a feeling he will be trying that and claiming you owe him because of his "mental health". Don't fall for his shtick.

You WILL find someone who values you for you, but first you need to learn to value yourself. You deserve to be happy and free of this relationship of dependence that he has with you.

Of course he thinks he "won't cope without you"! You've been his free childminder! Basically, it sounds to me like he regards you as some sort of appliance and you've been propping him up, so now you're drained and want your own life again! Quite right too and please, do not give into to his manipulations!
Once he thinks he's got you back where he wants you, he'll revert to his previous behaviour and might even get worse, in order to punish you for daring to want to leave! I also agree you should cut ties with him completely and not date , because if you did, he'd still be trying to manipulate and use you! I mean, a 60 mile return trip to take his child to school? That's an outrageous demand, don't you think?
It may be painful, but I really do think you should act on your plans, move to your new home and rebuild your life with your family and friends. In time, you'll meet someone new but be able to use this experience to filter out users and abusers.
I'm also wondering, just why did his relationship with his DD's mother end? Did he exploit and drain her as well? Did he cheat? He's an emotional abuser OP! Leave him in the rear view mirror and all the very best to you!

He is already making plans how I will be helping him to see his DD as much as possible, and this will include me doing 60miles round trips to drop his DD to school on some days when he will be at work.

You’re not the nanny! This utter selfishness and shows how he sees you — childcare that makes his life easier.
enjoy your new home and your new life which will be so much less stressful.

It's manipulation because he needs to keep his housekeeper. Do not back down.

Run.

Ultimately he's worried he'll lose his free childcare so of course he'll promise anything, but he won't keep those promises.
He and his daughter are too enmeshed - the face licking is beyond weird.
Get out, block him and move on. Leave them to each other - which is what the Dd wants after all. NYP!