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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

On my way out and suddenly my relationship is perfect

263 replies

sundaymorningbliss · 14/10/2023 07:49

I wasn't happy here. Felt used, felt I didn't get anything out of it, felt I will be better on my own.

DP has DD who is 11. We live together, but I'm seen as a competition by her and every time she is here (most of the time when DP isn't at work), I feel like a spare part in my own home, like OW. Their relationship isn't healthy. I was fighting for a normal life but accepted this isn't something I can get here. I knew I had to leave them to it and move on.

I bought a house. DP knew I was doing it but couldn't get over it.
I can still date him but living together isn't on the cards any more. For him I have moved 30 miles away form my family and support network, further away from my work, so he can be close to his daughter and see her as much as he could.

There was a lot of arguments and disrespect. He now blames it on his mental health issues. Now he realised what he was doing and apologised. He wants to work on our relationship as it can be ideal. I still want to move out of here. He was trying to push me to rent my new home and stay here with him for a few more months because he won't cope without me and we can figure something out during this time. I refused to do it.

If I say that I still want to move and live separately, he insists I have now put him in awkward situation and he is forced to chose between me and his DD because moving 30miles away and having DD 50% of time will not be possible. I would never do it. I didn't want him to move with me. I wanted to have my safe space, be close to family again and said he should be close to his DD and stay were we currently are. He wants to live together and wants to move to be with me. He is already making plans how I will be helping him to see his DD as much as possible, and this will include me doing 60miles round trips to drop his DD to school on some days when he will be at work. For this to happen my days in the office (hybrid working with set days) will need to be changed, I will need to start later than I normally would. But I don't even want to do it, yet it makes me feel like a bad guy because of course, he would do it for me if roles were reversed!

He begs, he cries, he says he is suffering and can't get his head around us having to live separately. He is now giving me what I always ashek for and what has been ignored.

I'm losing strength and feel like I have to give in to avoid hurting him. It was toxic but he is promising it will be all fine now.

Any advice please? I need a kick
I can't get over a feeling that I'm hurting him and it is all my fault.

OP posts:
ButterflyOil · 14/10/2023 09:38

Livelovebehappy · 14/10/2023 09:11

Carry on with your plans. He is torn between his daughters needs and yours. You need to make the decision for him, and go and live by yourself. I’m guessing what you really want is for him to follow you, and leave his daughter. It won’t end well, and if he did this, he would start to resent you (although maybe not. Some dads can brutally abandon their dcs for ‘love’)

Why would you think OP wants him to follow her, she’s stared quite clearly that he was never invited to come to the new house with her and she wants her own space again. He’s the one trying to push for that or for her to stay to make his life easier. He’s not torn at all between OP and his daughter, he’s upset he’s not going to have someone to share rent with, or furniture to use that he did not buy and that he may have to move himself since he can’t afford the rental by himself.

Lostinbrum · 14/10/2023 09:41

I dont understand why you are even considering continuing to date this asshat once you've moved out

Ikilledsyriusblack · 14/10/2023 09:42

XiCi · 14/10/2023 07:56

I really hope you find just that last little bit of strength to finish what you've started. You've come so far and have a happier life in touching distance, don't let him manipulate you.
Guaranteed that as soon as you rent that house out and stay with him things will go back to exactly as they were before. Also what he us suggesting is completely unfair on you and his dd. Stay strong!

This.

NettleTea · 14/10/2023 09:43

wow. How can he be responsible for a child, when he doesnt even have the basic furniture to accommodate them - he has allowed you to furnish everything and has provided nothing.
I assume he opted for 50-50 so that he need not pay maintanance, yet tried to rely upon you to do the actual care. I do think I recall your previous post.
He is manipulative because his cocklodging is about to come to an end and he is going to need to step up as an adult and as a parent. This is not your fault - this is something he should have been doing anyway before he even had a thought a bout a relationship - it sounds more like he was looking for a mummy, both to himself and for his own child, not an equal partner.

I would NEVER consider living with a man again unless I knew that they were at least equal to me in regards their ability to look after themselves and manage their own life - even more so as a parent. This is an absolute minimum. As a partner you need to be an equal - both contributing to the joint life - and with deeds and actions, not words

Good luck in your new house

booksandbeans · 14/10/2023 09:44

It was toxic but he is promising it will be all fine now.

Well he would promise it will all be fine now - now that he is losing out. Too little, too late. Stick to your guns and move out, you are not his mother. He can make the next move if he really wants this relationship to work out.

viques · 14/10/2023 09:45

I can understand why he is throwing the toys out of the pram! You have totally scuppered his easy parenting plans by refusing to concede to any of his unreasonable demands, how very dare you. You won’t rent out your new house, you won’t agree to having his unhappy child living with you , you don’t want to drive 60 miles to take his dd to school ( and the other 60 when the pick up arrangements fall through,as they would).

He thinks there is a future for you together, but doesn’t seem to realise that relationships are about listening to the other persons point of view, not bombarding them with increasingly ridiculous ways of getting your own way.

Until he recognises that his parenting and relationship with his dd are his logistical and emotional issues to sort then he isn’t ready for a relationship with someone who isn’t a doormat.

As a poster upthread remarked, enjoy your new home.

KateMiddletonsExtensions · 14/10/2023 09:49

Beamur · 14/10/2023 08:07

Manipulative tantrums...
I remember your previous thread. Move out, don't let him move in with you.

Yes I thought it was a familiar story. Don't let him worm his way back.

WowOK · 14/10/2023 09:49

Iknowthis1 · 14/10/2023 09:38

You need to break up.

This half measure of moving out and still staying together will only prolong the pain for both of you.

I agree with this. You need to end the relationship in its entirety.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 14/10/2023 09:50

Sounds like he's had ample opportunity to fix things before. Too little too late. You know where you want to be, stick to your guns and go. If this is a break up, be clear about it and draw a line.

cantstaymadatyou · 14/10/2023 09:51

It sounds like you need to move out now and get a clean break. Can you rent or stay with family for a bit while the sale goes through?

Lilyt14 · 14/10/2023 09:51

Keep walking and don’t look back. The fact that he is only willing to change when you are leaving says a lot. He knew that the relationship wasn’t working for you and that you weren’t happy, but that didn’t matter to him, as long as you stayed.

Your gut feeling that you were being used and would be better off without him is spot on. Even his solution for making things work involves you having to rearrange your work so that he can use you as free childcare. You deserve so much better than this.

I know it’s really difficult to end a relationship with somebody who is so emotionally manipulative. I’ve been there, it took me around 18 months from knowing that I needed to leave and actually leaving. I was accused of causing my ex to have mental health issues, feel suicidal ect for just wanting to leave him. The quicker you cut ties the better as he will most likely ramp up the manipulation tactics.

jeaux90 · 14/10/2023 09:52

He is treating you like his live in support human. I absolutely hate men like this.

He tantrum and emotional blackmail is because he is losing his support human.

Move out and move on OP. Our lives are not to be sacrificed at the alter of useless men.

Relationships are supposed to be one of partnership and equity.

reesewithoutaspoon · 14/10/2023 09:52

If you get a wobble because he seems to be doing everything you want now, ask yourself why, when he was capable of doing that,he chose not to. He actively chose to make you unhappy when all along he had the capability to make things good.
Your happiness didn't matter until his own convenience was under threat. He is not behaving now because he wants you or appreciates you. This is totally self serving behaviour, because his life will be harder.

It's false and once he gets you back and his life becomes easier, he will revert back, because he has already shown you that he doesn't care about your happiness, unless it affects his own.

mumda · 14/10/2023 09:54

Good luck in your new home away from this manchild.

JFDIYOLO · 14/10/2023 09:54

'Oh no .. the free nanny / chauffeur is not going to be at my beck and call any more ... ' is at the root of this.

His poor kid. About to hit adolescence, her world is fractured. It's something everyone in step relationships have to accept.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 14/10/2023 09:57

It sounds even more toxic now than it was before. He's turning it all on to try and manipulate you. This relationship needs knocking on the head, and the sooner you move into your own place, the quicker you'll hopefully get the distance to see that.

BettyPhuckzer · 14/10/2023 09:57

He's a twat

Leave him to it !

Enjoy your new single happy life

Fingeronthebutton · 14/10/2023 09:57

Two sayings.
Don’t rescue to the point where you have to be rescued.
And, when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Rosscameasdoody · 14/10/2023 09:58

cantstaymadatyou · 14/10/2023 09:51

It sounds like you need to move out now and get a clean break. Can you rent or stay with family for a bit while the sale goes through?

She’s bought a house of her own - which is probably what started his panic and is responsible for his reaction. She’s moving out. He’s not invited. His childcare has gone tits up and there’s nothing he can do because she has the means and intention to do it. Must be galling for him to realise that his shitty behaviour has not only cost him his live in childcare, but he’ll now miss out on living with her rent free.

Stoic123 · 14/10/2023 09:58

Reiterating what everone has said so far.

Move into your new home. Don't give false hope with 'we'll see in 3 months' - this is unfair as he might make decisions on that basis and he should get the best chance of setting up his life (apart from you) appropriately. Be brave. Treat his moaning as background noise and be very, very firm and clear with him that moving in with you is not an option.

If you want to date him long distance then do - I wouldn't. Do consider leaving a bit of furniture (your least favourite bits) if you can afford to.

Enjoy your new home, enjoy your freedom and enjoy your life!

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 14/10/2023 09:58

Denimdreams · 14/10/2023 08:03

Oh dear his childcare is going tits up so he's having a tantrum.
Seriously don't fall for it!

This was my first thought too!

Bogofftosomewherehot · 14/10/2023 09:58

Denimdreams · 14/10/2023 08:06

BTW this is highly manipulative behaviour on his part to get what he wants.
He had all the time before but as you say it was toxic.
His behaviour now is toxic
You are not responsible for his feelings either.

All of this.

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2023 10:00

Wonder why the relationship with the mother of his child ended...

What everyone else said: leave, live your life.

Advicerequest · 14/10/2023 10:03

If he had really changed this would be a discussion with a marked different tone to previous demands and discussions - not a long, angry whine and tantrum. I'm with everyone else: get out.
i split from someone years ago who wanted me back and promised all sorts and not one single one of those things happened once they had me reeled back in.

Ghostgirl77 · 14/10/2023 10:05

He is a toxic manipulative user. He realises he has lost control of you and is now using every tactic he can think of to try and get you back under his control. Don’t fall for it! Playing the mental health card as a tool of emotional abuse is the lowest of the low.

Honestly there is only one way to deal with people like this and that is to cut them off completely. He will never change, he is just pretending to try and get you back. If you keep dating him then you’ll be back in the same situation again before you know it.

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