On my way out and suddenly my relationship is perfect

[sundaymorningbliss]

I wasn't happy here. Felt used, felt I didn't get anything out of it, felt I will be better on my own.

DP has DD who is 11. We live together, but I'm seen as a competition by her and every time she is here (most of the time when DP isn't at work), I feel like a spare part in my own home, like OW. Their relationship isn't healthy. I was fighting for a normal life but accepted this isn't something I can get here. I knew I had to leave them to it and move on.

I bought a house. DP knew I was doing it but couldn't get over it.
I can still date him but living together isn't on the cards any more. For him I have moved 30 miles away form my family and support network, further away from my work, so he can be close to his daughter and see her as much as he could.

There was a lot of arguments and disrespect. He now blames it on his mental health issues. Now he realised what he was doing and apologised. He wants to work on our relationship as it can be ideal. I still want to move out of here. He was trying to push me to rent my new home and stay here with him for a few more months because he won't cope without me and we can figure something out during this time. I refused to do it.

If I say that I still want to move and live separately, he insists I have now put him in awkward situation and he is forced to chose between me and his DD because moving 30miles away and having DD 50% of time will not be possible. I would never do it. I didn't want him to move with me. I wanted to have my safe space, be close to family again and said he should be close to his DD and stay were we currently are. He wants to live together and wants to move to be with me. He is already making plans how I will be helping him to see his DD as much as possible, and this will include me doing 60miles round trips to drop his DD to school on some days when he will be at work. For this to happen my days in the office (hybrid working with set days) will need to be changed, I will need to start later than I normally would. But I don't even want to do it, yet it makes me feel like a bad guy because of course, he would do it for me if roles were reversed!

He begs, he cries, he says he is suffering and can't get his head around us having to live separately. He is now giving me what I always ashek for and what has been ignored.

I'm losing strength and feel like I have to give in to avoid hurting him. It was toxic but he is promising it will be all fine now.

Any advice please? I need a kick
I can't get over a feeling that I'm hurting him and it is all my fault.

You need to finish this relationship completely
This

Just end it

Why on earth would you carry this relationship on??!!!

Get your house, move in ALONE and forget all about him.

You have bought a place?

but in July you said * Nothing on the market I could afford to rent on my own now. *

yet in 3.5 months you have managed to get together a deposit, pay solicitor fees etc etc to actually buy a place?

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

When Mr Nice doesn't work, Mr Nasty comes crashing back in.

Jekyll and Hyde.

He will use ANY tactic and this is VERY well known.

Has he rolled out 'you're crazy!' yet? Because he will.

He's already using DARVO - deny, attack, reversing victim and offender. 'This is all your fault, manipulating, forcing me to choose' blablabla. Tell him to ask his 'therapist' to explain DARVO.

Get out asap.
Don't let him come with you.
Don't let him in the house.
Don't give him a key.
Go grey rock. Stop participating in the fake romantic lies.

Do you have any bloke backup? Brothers, mates, colleagues you can call on? Moving out can be a flashpoint.

The problem is many men believe women and children to be property. Things. Just as much as the phone and the car. And faced with being deprived of their property, they can turn ugly. His mental health is off? Can make that worse.

Try the grey rock technique - become as dull, boring and non reactive as possible: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#uses

@sundaymorningbliss

Apparently it's his counsellor who told him that me buying home that far means and I'm forcing him to chose between me and DD.

I wonder if there's any truth that his counsellor's said this - or whether he just lied to create another stick to beat you with. Either way it's still not your problem.

I'm glad you've made it crystal clear that he and his child are not moving with you. I could see the next thing, apart from the inconvenient (to you) school runs, would be which room in your new house would be good enough for his daughter, arguing about time you're not home because you are with family and friends and, the biggie, that you should put him on the Deeds to your home because he's paying you rent and should, therefore, have a legally enforceable financial interest in your property.

I agree with posters who say move out before your official moving date and stay with friends/family/AirBnB. Get a removable company booked to take all your furniture, appliances, clothing you won't need in the interim, etc to move them straight into storage until you can move into your house.

Ensure your computer/iPad etc are secure offsite.

Be there on the day to supervise the removal and with one or two male friends/family who can help and support you as he's less likely to kick off as much if you have personal support.

He's already showing you how nasty he can be because you're standing strong against his fake charm - that will only escalate and he'll try any trick to delay removal so maybe give him the wrong date for your departure so there's no problem in you having access (eg locks changed) to the current address when your removal van arrives.

Fingers crossed for you OP. Moving home under normal circumstances is hard but the rewards to you, new home, peaceful life, more access to friends and family, will be worth it. 🌹

I definitely think you should move out asap. How much longer til you can do that?

I would use a credit card to pay for removals and storage and stay with friends or family til you get the keys.

I'd be running away from him as fast as I could.

Just to add to the voices - move out and remind him he’s not coming with you, so his only choice is to get over you being his childminder.

Do not let him make you feel guilty about packing up and taking your own property with you.

He will be angry about the inconvenience of having to buy replacements. After all, what bloke wants to spend money on a potato masher? All these "invisible" things just appear because women are prepared to invest in making a home nice.

You have no obligation to leave him with so much as a chair to sit on. He can bloody well step up and take responsibility for his own life needs.

If you're looking for house buying advice you need to start your own thread in Property.

His reversal to form doesn't surprise me in the slightest. He tried love bombing/mh concerns/lying and now that that's all failed he's back to form.

If you the option of leaving now, even for a hotel, I would go. Pack up as soon as he's out of the house for work, and go.

Don't let him come with you.

Do not let him into your new house for ANY reason. Needing toilet, house plant gift, returning a belonging, homeless (wahhhhhh). Do. Not. Let. Him. In. Even better, dont give him your address.

Try and spend as much time as possible with friends, family, working overtime etc. Good luck!

More like how you go from not being able to afford to rent on your own… to having bought a property in the space of 3 months

Oh dear, I shouldn't have given you the benefit of the doubt I see.

People buy houses.

If you don't have any useful advice for the OP, do you have anything else you could be doing on a Sunday afternoon?

The standard 'my councillor said (insert manipulation that makes it sou d like you're the bad guy)'. No they didn't.

He's a textbook narcissist op and now you're getting free, he's trying every trick in the book to hoover you back in. It's all bullshit. He's only bring nice to con you to stay.

He even used narcissistic triangulation to play you off against his daughter. It's fucked up.

Get out. Clean and fast and don't agree to any further contact. He is not your friend. He means you harm. So don't be fooled.

Seriously, pack up and go. Like, yesterday.

All this 'I can't cope on my own' shite. He's a grown man! You're not his mummy!

I was just watching a thing that said about women having 80% of all autoimmune diseases because they tolerate fucking shite. They overburden themselves with other.peoples.problems. and are more likely to stay in abusive relationships (Which btw, you are in right now. Emotional abuse, control, manipulation and all that shit).

Get.out.

Practice the word 'No'.
You don't owe this jerk anything. You are neither his doctor nor his therapist. Nor his nanny, mother or even his wife for that matter. Fucking run like the wind and never look back. NEVER let him into your new home. Get out, tell him it's over and to leave you alone, then block him before he can start with more uhinged manipulations (suicide threats ect...).

Did you make it clear that not only is he not moving in with you, you’re not going to be dating either? Because unless you sever this relationship completely, he’ll continue to me a manipulative whinging millstone round your neck.

What struck me most from this post is that he really is demonstrating that he cannot keep up the facade of niceness, can he, @sundaymorningbliss? And if he can’t keep it up now, when he is on the verge of losing you, he wouldn’t be able to keep it up if you went back to him, because, in his mind, he’d have no need to carry on being a decent partner.

This is such a tough time for you, and my heart goes out to you, but I am sure that, in a few months time, you will be free, happy, and glad you went through the tough time.

Beware the 'super reasonable' charade. It is a well know tactic of abusers in the hoovering phase of an abusive cycle. He will be just nice enough for just long enough until you are back in the cycle. You can see it for what it is OP. You've even asked yourself why now. It's because this is not his 'normal'. It is smoke and mirrors.

Of course i forget - for some mumsnet can’t possibly be anything other than “yes yes there there we think you’re great”

rather than completely un abusive or nasty or indeed anything negative simply than curiosity how someone in the space of 3 months goes from not able to rent alone to having bought a house alone

@Barrowgirl it's really none of your business.

@Pinkbonbon - I was just watching a thing that said about women having 80% of all autoimmune diseases because they tolerate fucking shite.
Any chance you can PM me the programme/channel? My GP is suggesting my ill health is down to an abusive marriage so it would be very interesting to watch that. Many thanks!

As for the house. Auctions do exist and can be very quick turnaround, and some house even sell cheaper there. But as @Acornsoup says, it's not our business. OP is here for support and if you can't give it (or constructive criticism, sometimes that can be supportive too) then maybe not post.

well then the op can say that if she wishes.

or ignore

but it may be relevant and make her even more vulnerable to him ie a very large inheritance

I bought a flat in a month.
Why not set up a thread about conveyancing if you are so excised by it