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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

On my way out and suddenly my relationship is perfect

263 replies

sundaymorningbliss · 14/10/2023 07:49

I wasn't happy here. Felt used, felt I didn't get anything out of it, felt I will be better on my own.

DP has DD who is 11. We live together, but I'm seen as a competition by her and every time she is here (most of the time when DP isn't at work), I feel like a spare part in my own home, like OW. Their relationship isn't healthy. I was fighting for a normal life but accepted this isn't something I can get here. I knew I had to leave them to it and move on.

I bought a house. DP knew I was doing it but couldn't get over it.
I can still date him but living together isn't on the cards any more. For him I have moved 30 miles away form my family and support network, further away from my work, so he can be close to his daughter and see her as much as he could.

There was a lot of arguments and disrespect. He now blames it on his mental health issues. Now he realised what he was doing and apologised. He wants to work on our relationship as it can be ideal. I still want to move out of here. He was trying to push me to rent my new home and stay here with him for a few more months because he won't cope without me and we can figure something out during this time. I refused to do it.

If I say that I still want to move and live separately, he insists I have now put him in awkward situation and he is forced to chose between me and his DD because moving 30miles away and having DD 50% of time will not be possible. I would never do it. I didn't want him to move with me. I wanted to have my safe space, be close to family again and said he should be close to his DD and stay were we currently are. He wants to live together and wants to move to be with me. He is already making plans how I will be helping him to see his DD as much as possible, and this will include me doing 60miles round trips to drop his DD to school on some days when he will be at work. For this to happen my days in the office (hybrid working with set days) will need to be changed, I will need to start later than I normally would. But I don't even want to do it, yet it makes me feel like a bad guy because of course, he would do it for me if roles were reversed!

He begs, he cries, he says he is suffering and can't get his head around us having to live separately. He is now giving me what I always ashek for and what has been ignored.

I'm losing strength and feel like I have to give in to avoid hurting him. It was toxic but he is promising it will be all fine now.

Any advice please? I need a kick
I can't get over a feeling that I'm hurting him and it is all my fault.

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 09:16

I am confused
you bought the house
but you’re talking about you moving?

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 09:18

Ah sorry I see

You have bought a house and want to move out in to it

is this the first property you have owned?

Starseeking · 14/10/2023 09:18

Op, you need to leave this man, to give you the space to meet someone who will love and cherish you m, for you.

This man is going to miss the things you do for him and the comfortable life you provide for him. That's what he is lamenting and panicking about.

You are not responsible for his mental health, and I guarantee once you go, he will soon find a new housekeeper/childcarer that he can cocklodge with.

Take your furniture and run, as fast as you can!

RubyRubyRubyRubay · 14/10/2023 09:19

Keep going with the move.

He is trying emotional manipulation. This is a form of abuse.

If you concede he'll be back to his usual tricks withing weeks, triangulating you with his daughter and it could even get worse as 'punishment' for you trying to leave.

Please leave. Once you're in your own place you may see just how much stress you were under when living with him. Imagine - stress free life! Lush.

You deserve better.

bigTillyMint · 14/10/2023 09:19

watcherintherye · 14/10/2023 08:56

Seize the day and live your own life. You’ve only got one go at it.

Get out, with your furniture!
This is your life - don’t let him control it.

ThreeLeggedKitten · 14/10/2023 09:20

How much longer will you have to endure this? Move out now and take your furniture, stick it in storage. You could always leave him two or three hundred to ease any guilt about the lack of notice moving out, covering your part of bills.

Explain that you are happy to return to dating but will not be living together. It’s not up for discussion, it’s not something your willing to compromise on. Do not string him along with ‘we can review things in a few months’, he could expectantly hands his notice on the rented property and assume plans to join you. Be honest but also get out of there pronto.

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 14/10/2023 09:22

When will your house be ready to move to? Can you stay somewhere else until then?

BurnToastAgain · 14/10/2023 09:22

He’s a pathetic, manipulative man child. You are enabling his shitty behaviour out of kindness but you must STOP. He is responsible for his own life, health and behaviour. You are responsible for yours. You have a great plan. Stick to it. Stay strong. Refuse to be manipulated any further. If he needs/wants something, let him figure out how to get it.

I was in your shoes once and getting out was the best thing I ever did. Now my life is my own with no one to hold me back. Women especially are socialised into being supportive and nurturing, presumably because that’s what we need to do as mothers, but this man is not your child is he? He’s acting as though he is, but I’m sure he acts like a grown up at work and doesn’t expect his boss to treat him like a toddler?

napody · 14/10/2023 09:22

Antst · 14/10/2023 08:07

You need to end this relationship. You know you do. Not just for your benefit but for the daughter's.

She may be a pain, but she is also the child of chaos. Her parents have split, her father has clearly been clueless/lazy about how to have a new relationship in a way that makes her feel secure. It's completely inappropriate that he is framing this situation as "having to choose" between you and his daughter. He is the one who is setting this up as a competition and it's not fair on the kid.

The child has no control over what's going on but you do.

This man sounds immature and chaotic. DO NOT make any changes to your working schedule. You know you can't count on this man to support you if anything goes wrong at your work (e.g., if you end up late/exhausted because of all the driving).

This.
There's no way back to a 'dating ' situation. You need to make it clear its over and he should stay where he is and parent his daughter, not make ridiculous plans to move near you. Can't you just imagine the way he will use 'I moved away from my daughter for you' to manipulate you?

SquirrelSoShiny · 14/10/2023 09:24

Christ alive move home and don't look back.

TheCunctator · 14/10/2023 09:24

XiCi · 14/10/2023 07:56

I really hope you find just that last little bit of strength to finish what you've started. You've come so far and have a happier life in touching distance, don't let him manipulate you.
Guaranteed that as soon as you rent that house out and stay with him things will go back to exactly as they were before. Also what he us suggesting is completely unfair on you and his dd. Stay strong!

This first reply says it all.

Stand firm, OP.

ButterflyOil · 14/10/2023 09:26

Well stay strong as it’s quite clear your value to him is in the practical and financial ways you can benefit his life. He’s begging and pleading because he thinks he can wear you down and continue to sponge off you. He didn’t give a fuck about your emotional health when you were providing the above did he? And once he has you trapped once more and feeling obligated to stay he won’t then either.

He needs to figure something out with his co-parent regarding the living arrangements for their daughter.

AdoraBell · 14/10/2023 09:26

I agree, he’s manipulating you because he’s losing his free childcare. Keep going, move out and enjoy your new home, on your terms.

TheresaOfAvila · 14/10/2023 09:26

sundaymorningbliss · 14/10/2023 08:56

All your comments are really giving my head a wobble, thank you!
I'm not doing any childcare for him, we had arguments about that but I stood my ground.

The comment about gut instinct V head is spot on and the suggestion of me moving out and telling him we can revise it after a few months is good too.

Our house was rented unfurnished. All furniture we have is mine so I'm going to take it with me. That's another point he doesn't like. Says he cant afford to live here so will need to rent a room or move somewhere cheaper. Doesn't want to move to a flat because his mental health will deteriorate and it's my fault for turning his life upside down and not appreciating what we have. Doesn't want to buy furniture because doesn't want to sell it a few month down the line when in his head we will be living together again.

I still want good for him, I want him to be happy. I just don't want to be the person having to accommodate it all

Someone you’ve described has very little capacity for happiness. They are happy-ish when everything is going their way.

He can’t be happy and expects others to fill the void using their money for a nice place and tanks of petrol, their time to do their childcare, and whatever else of other peoples resources they fancy today.

Desperateinseattle · 14/10/2023 09:28

He wants to live together and wants to move to be with me. He is already making plans how I will be helping him to see his DD as much as possible, and this will include me doing 60miles round trips to drop his DD to school on some days when he will be at work. For this to happen my days in the office (hybrid working with set days) will need to be changed, I will need to start later than I normally would. But I don't even want to do it, yet it makes me feel like a bad guy because of course, he would do it for me if roles were reversed!

he is using you, and you are losing yourself in the process.

dig deep and go, I think you’ll find yourself with much more clarity in a few months. He isn’t the right man for you.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/10/2023 09:28

Op, it is so sad that you don't see that this relationship needs to end. It's toxic and he is a master manipulator.

Get out and never look back.

ChaToilLeam · 14/10/2023 09:29

Once you are out, please find the strength to ditch this manipulative cry baby for good. How dare he line you up to drive his DD around! He just wants you to facilitate a cushy life for him and sees it slipping away.

He’ll have someone else lined up soon enough, you’ll see.

Itsallchange · 14/10/2023 09:32

I didn’t read your previous thread but well done for making a plan to make you happy. I’ve read your update and agree with the pretence that moving for a few months and then reassessing will allow you to get out. I think if you can afford to buy new furniture and just leave him to it. Maybe say you’re happy to sell the other stuff in a few months. When with someone manipulative you need to play them at their own game to get out safely. He’s losing control hence the tantrums etc so tread carefully and follow through with your plan. Once you’re out of the house you’ll feel stronger and be able to make a more solid effort to cut ties completely. A couple of people have said to me this week that we are a long time dead so need to find happiness in this life, so grab yours with both hands it’s almost in touching difference! Stay strong

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/10/2023 09:32

Livelovebehappy · 14/10/2023 09:11

Carry on with your plans. He is torn between his daughters needs and yours. You need to make the decision for him, and go and live by yourself. I’m guessing what you really want is for him to follow you, and leave his daughter. It won’t end well, and if he did this, he would start to resent you (although maybe not. Some dads can brutally abandon their dcs for ‘love’)

He's not torn at all.

It's all about his wants dressed up as other people's needs. He wants the childcare. He wants the house paid for. He wants the money/taxi service/sex/cleaning/affection/control/freedom from parenting that he believes is his entitlement.

I'm only surprised he hasn't accused the OP of infidelity and this is all about her having an affair whilst he will never see his daughter again because he'll be living in his car or a room in a house full of pervy middleaged men and heroin addicts with no heating and he's sooooo very cold.

IrisSibirica · 14/10/2023 09:33

OP, you owe it to yourself to put your own happiness first. There are many who don't have the financial independence or able to walk away from miserable situations where they were being taken advantage of. All the best to you - hope you can shake off the doubts and move on.

Brocollimatilda · 14/10/2023 09:33

I rarely say LTB but honestly move, get your space, don’t let him move in with you & see what happens. Maybe he will stop tantruming maybe he won’t but either way it will be easier to deal with what is happening from your own house that he has no claim over.

ElleCapitaine · 14/10/2023 09:37

He’s upset because he’s realised he’s about to lose all his furniture and childcare. That’s not your problem and he’s being very manipulative. I’d finish with him altogether - you’re not there to facilitate his life and convenience, and there are better men out there.

Nazzywish · 14/10/2023 09:38

Sounds alot like coercive control OP. He need your help with kids/ money probably and knows he thebone losing out. So go. You weren't in his considerations when it needed to be done so what's the point now it won't change. Your just delaying the inevitable then will be mad at yourself 2 years down the line being in the same position and having wasted precious time.

Rosscameasdoody · 14/10/2023 09:38

You need to end this relationship. You felt used, and you’re right. If he’s now giving you what you wanted all along it’s only because he needs your input with his daughter to make it easier for him. Once he’s got you back where he wants you, I guarantee he’ll revert to type. His childcare arrangements are not your responsibility but he seems to have made this the basis for your relationship. Walk away, and don’t look back.

Iknowthis1 · 14/10/2023 09:38

You need to break up.

This half measure of moving out and still staying together will only prolong the pain for both of you.

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