On my way out and suddenly my relationship is perfect

[sundaymorningbliss]

I wasn't happy here. Felt used, felt I didn't get anything out of it, felt I will be better on my own.

DP has DD who is 11. We live together, but I'm seen as a competition by her and every time she is here (most of the time when DP isn't at work), I feel like a spare part in my own home, like OW. Their relationship isn't healthy. I was fighting for a normal life but accepted this isn't something I can get here. I knew I had to leave them to it and move on.

I bought a house. DP knew I was doing it but couldn't get over it.
I can still date him but living together isn't on the cards any more. For him I have moved 30 miles away form my family and support network, further away from my work, so he can be close to his daughter and see her as much as he could.

There was a lot of arguments and disrespect. He now blames it on his mental health issues. Now he realised what he was doing and apologised. He wants to work on our relationship as it can be ideal. I still want to move out of here. He was trying to push me to rent my new home and stay here with him for a few more months because he won't cope without me and we can figure something out during this time. I refused to do it.

If I say that I still want to move and live separately, he insists I have now put him in awkward situation and he is forced to chose between me and his DD because moving 30miles away and having DD 50% of time will not be possible. I would never do it. I didn't want him to move with me. I wanted to have my safe space, be close to family again and said he should be close to his DD and stay were we currently are. He wants to live together and wants to move to be with me. He is already making plans how I will be helping him to see his DD as much as possible, and this will include me doing 60miles round trips to drop his DD to school on some days when he will be at work. For this to happen my days in the office (hybrid working with set days) will need to be changed, I will need to start later than I normally would. But I don't even want to do it, yet it makes me feel like a bad guy because of course, he would do it for me if roles were reversed!

He begs, he cries, he says he is suffering and can't get his head around us having to live separately. He is now giving me what I always ashek for and what has been ignored.

I'm losing strength and feel like I have to give in to avoid hurting him. It was toxic but he is promising it will be all fine now.

Any advice please? I need a kick
I can't get over a feeling that I'm hurting him and it is all my fault.

Wow, he has massively fucked this up, hasn't he? He had you right where he needed you to ensure this nice furnished home and childcare for his DD, but he didn't appreciate that, he took the piss and took you for granted, not just a bit but enough for you to need to buy your own house, and now way too late he's blaming his MH, blaming you, and manipulating you for all he's worth, refusing to take any responsibility and assuming you'll crack and go back to how things were. I'm missing the bit where your relationship is perfect. He sounds like a selfish mess. You're absolutely right that it should be possible for you to have your own space, in your own home, near your family for support, and still see each other in the 50% of the time he doesn't have DD, if what he really cared about was being in a relationship with you. But all he really cares about is his own set-up and how you facilitate that. You need to keep going all the way out of that door and don't give an inch or you'll be back in the misery.

I think you need to make a decision now about whether you actually want a break or a break up. If you tell him to give it a 3 - 6 month break then you'll reevaluate, all that's doing is kicking the can further down the road and you'll be in this same do i/don't I thought process then, and possibly with him still contacting you with sob stories so you will never get the head space you need to think.
If you decide to make a clean break now it'll be easier to move on, focus on yourself, your new home, work and building back that support network. Doing this option will mean you'll likely have to block all contact with him though.

Personally the latter sounds bliss; your own home, nearer to family, no nagging/manipulative man in tow, no step child situation. Go with your gut and in 6 months time you'll wake up and wonder why on earth you didn't do it sooner!

Hope you're able to take the unanimous advice on here OP.

He's manipulating you & while he may well have valid MH issues, that doesn't mean you are responsible for his welfare, living situation, housing and parenting of his child.

He's saying all the right things now - funny isn't it - only when he realises all the important things ie being funded to live by you are taken away from him.

Please see him for what he is. Do not be surprised if faux threats of harm are threatened as he ramps up his desperation to keep you being his meal ticket & child minder.

Red flag central

Echoing what everyone else has said. Get out, don't look back, live a happy life.

If your house sale won't be completed for a couple of months it might be wise for you to put furniture in storage and get an Airbnb for the duration. Sounds like you need to leave right now before he gets back into your head. Good luck @sundaymorningbliss

This. On loop.

He’s pulling out every emotionally manipulative trick in the book to get you to stay in a relationship that is good for him and bad for you. Don’t fall for it.

He is manipulating you. Badly. Get out and end it. No dating. No travelling. Just get out. Doing what’s right is often (never!) easy. But once the dust has settled you won’t regret it.

His life is not your responsibility. Nor is his child your responsibility.

He's had it all his own way, and now that you've decided it's a bad deal and not for you, he's kicking off.

Follow through with your plans. And don't be surprised if he starts getting nasty once he realises you're not going to buckle to his demands.

Having your own home is a wonderful thing. You create your own safe space exactly how you want it. You decide who enters your home and when they leave. Nobody gets to call the shots any more except you. I would not trade that for all the tea in China.

You want out of this relationship so much, you bought a house without him, to get away from him. He’s controlling, needy and useless.
You're first night in your new home by yourself, I guarantee you won’t regret ending it. You do need to tell him
its over though. No 3-6 months etc.

Did you post about your situation before? It sounds familiar. I’m very glad you have found the strength to move out.

He is a total piss taker. You are not responsible for housing him or for his mental health.

Move out. Don’t let him stay at your new place. I think you need to cut him off completely.

@sundaymorningbliss

Please please read your opening post over and over. If your best friend or your sister was saying this what would you advise her?

This man is trying to pull every trick in the book to cling onto you to get his own needs serviced at your expense- even down to the furniture! And as for doing a round trip of 60 miles several times a week to do the school run for his daughter - to the detriment of your own job - well you have to admire his cheeky level of absolute entitlement. I hope you're not considering this?

Another poster said:

You are in such a good position now, honestly grab it and don't look back, if he wanted to change he would have. If you let him move in you will never get him or his daughter out

And they're absolutely right. You know it's true and no, he wouldn't do it for you because he cares for what he wants very much at your expense.

If you are able to leave the rental sooner rather than later, put your stuff into storage and live with family and friends whilst the house purchase completed then please do that. In the meantime, remove any important legal documentation, (eg passport, birth certificate), anything of sentimental value, any financial information to a safe place outside the rental in case they become "lost".

Some house keeping:

• Don't forget to get your mail redirection set up online (even if it's whilst living with friends/family) let your landlord know, and let the council know your departure date (council tax purposes) Apply with the new council for your 25% tax single occupier rebate.

• Take meter readings (gas, electricity, water) on the day you leave (take a photo and report to the utility companies later) and cancel/change passwords any streaming/shopping channels. Inform whoever supplied your broadband/landline that you are moving.

• Change your pin codes and passwords to smartphone and banking if he might know them.

Don't waver or have him in your life a moment longer than necessary - this isn't a relationship to keep. Good luck. 🌹

Don’t let him have a key for your new home

Absolutely second the thing about not giving him a key for your new home. (I won't be making that mistake again!)

When my sister realised her relationship was only good for her ex, she basically did what you have done, except he didn't know she bought a house to move out to.

When he did find out, he did the whole "Our life was/is perfect" thing, except really it was only good for him & his family.
Nothing had changed, he wanted her still doing the housework, sorting everything out, dealing with his (adult, but still a pain in the neck) daughter.

He was going to change, everything would be perfect blah blah blah.
As she was getting a new build that wasn't ready yet, she sort of implied she'd give him another chance just for a quiet life until she could go.

Within a month he was right back to being the man she bought a house to escape.

She left, he announced his undying love for a few months then started dating someone else who took up the job of washing his pants.
All the furniture was hers in the rented house they'd lived in too.
She left the bed (didn't want to sleep in the one she'd shared with him), the sofa & a few other bits that were basically too big to move in a small van & made sure she had the things that were important to her quietly moved long before she went for good.

He turned nasty when he realised it was really happening & she moved out.

Then she started to find that the man she thought had been so great was happy to leave her paying for his Sky Sports package even though they'd split up (even tried to upgrade it after she left but with billing still hers), wanted her to contribute to the water bill as he hadn't changed the names on any of the bills etc.., complained she wouldn't keep paying for a cleaner to keep the house in order.

It took a while for her to untangle all that stuff.

My sister has thrived away from him, now sold the house she first purchased & moved to another one she loves in a different area, found that every single bit of her life was much better without him.
He is still in the same rented house, sitting on the sofa she paid for, telling people about the wife who left him & the great holidays he used to take her on (she paid for them 100%), the wonderful man he was (not).

Your relationship was so bad you purchased a house to move to just to get away.
It is still the relationship that made you do that.

I'd get out, get free & find a life that makes you happy.

He is responsible for his own life and he needs to step up! No furniture? He can put a post on Facebook or buy from a charity - you know like we all had to do when we were starting out. Can't afford to live somewhere? He should have thought of that before. It isn't your responsibility to adult for him.

What does he do for you? What does he bring to the relationship? Drama and manipulation and ...

So he didn't give a shit about your feelings or your mental health while you were there, but now that you're leaving, he's upset because of how it all will affect HIM. Not how it's affected you or will affect you going forward, but how it affects HIM. And how YOU are supposed to be making HIS life and HIS DD's life better and easier for HIM.

Run. Just fucking run.

Cut all ties.

If only he’d shown the same concern about hurting you. Too little too late unfortunately. Set your boundaries and maintain them.

LTB

Ps he’s had plenty of time to find new accommodation, furniture etc. I’m assuming he didn’t think you’d go through with it. This experience will hopefully help him to grow up and take more responsibility, without relying on someone else and draining them emotionally with little concern for the cost of that to their well-being.

Making you responsible for his mental health is so wrong. Seems he’s relying on you so he can afford a house and furniture for him and his child. He needs to sort this himself, a flat and second hands bits as many have to do.

If he moves in with you then you’re just bringing the same problems to a new location with extra work on you to facilitate the driving to school.

Don’t do it. Tell him you want six months alone and you’ll re valuate it but honestly you won’t want it when you realise how peaceful and easier life is without the drama and if in time if it’s what you want you can meet someone who just slots right in and makes life mutually better.

You need to break it off fully and tell him you won’t be living together again because the relationship is over. I don’t think you can move out and still be in a relationship with him, he’s too manipulative for that. Don’t let him keep ruining your life.

You've done brilliantly! A little more of the same and he's not your problem. Well done x

He’s acting nice/lovebombing you to try and keep you living with him. You probably do a lot for him and his daughter, and he’s scared/too lazy to do it by himself.

carry on with your plans, I’d even go as far to leave the relationship all together and not stay dating at all. A fresh start will be great for you.

Don't continue to date him. Dating days are well and truly over. Go and live in your lovely new house and try and stay on good terms. Most importantly your ex should ensure the daughter doesn't feel she's done anything wrong. Kids often blame themselves and it can mess them up.

This.

I couldn't stomach a man who begs and cries. Get away from that toxic mess ASAP.