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Original poster

It’s not the age gap - it’s the LIE!

159 replies

theprincessthepea · 13/10/2023 09:06

I have been seeing my partner for 3 years. I have always known that he is younger than me - by one year and we always joke about it.

However the other day I found out that he is actually 3 years younger. I’m in my very early 30s. He is in his late 20s. We met during covid and celebrated birthdays in bubbles - which is why I thought he was a year younger - because he said. Both of us are not big on birthdays - we just tend to go to a restaurant together and we have separate celebrations with our families (for anyone wondering what happens on birthdays).

The age gap doesn’t bother me. But I have been sooooo upset and angry at him for lying. I’m so annoyed because we are pregnant and I want to give this a go but I’ve lost a level of trust in him.

(for anyone that wants a story - if you don’t skip to the end for the question)
how did I find out: I was chatting about how upset a friend was because she found out her partner was 7 years younger and was ambiguous with age (after 10 months of dating). I made a comment to my partner that I felt he was the same and that I should see his ID. He became weird then after a mini disagreement told me the year he was born followed by “age means nothing”.

Well if it means nothing then why lie about it!!!!!!!

I have tried to see past it but I cannot get over the lie. Looking back he told me he just started uni when he was abit older when I questioned why we weren’t in the same “year group”. I’m wondering what else he has said to keep the lie alive.

If it wasn’t for this pregnancy I would take a break and even leave the relationship. What else is he lying about?

Am I overreacting. In my heart this feels like a red flag on his character and I’m fuming and disappointed.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 13/10/2023 09:08

How odd

i can only assume he thought you would dump him

Babadook76 · 13/10/2023 09:12

I’d find it hard to get over this. In response to pp, yes she may have ended the relationship, but she has the right to if she’s not happy with the age gap. He manipulated her into a relationship with him and is now having a baby with her because he lied to her.

Mistressanne · 13/10/2023 09:17

I’d be upset too after 3 years, but why did he lie?

SamW98 · 13/10/2023 09:21

As you say it’s not the age it’s the fact he’s lied about it for 3 years.

When someone can lie about something for so long, my mind always thinks ‘what else are they not being honest about’

Ofcourseshecan · 13/10/2023 09:30

It’s silly, but it wouldn’t bother me. It wouldn’t make me think he’s a habitual liar, without any other evidence. It’s the sort of lie that, once you’ve said it, you’re stuck!

PickAChew · 13/10/2023 09:30

Agree. What else is he lying about? It's not like a 3 year age gap is a big one so I can't even understand why he would lie about it.

NewPhoneWhoDis1 · 13/10/2023 09:30

How do you go 3 years and get pregnant without seeing any official ID or document with his full date of birth? you're both strange.

loislovesstewie · 13/10/2023 09:51

You lost me at 'we are pregnant'.

C1N1C · 13/10/2023 09:55

Ofcourseshecan · 13/10/2023 09:30

It’s silly, but it wouldn’t bother me. It wouldn’t make me think he’s a habitual liar, without any other evidence. It’s the sort of lie that, once you’ve said it, you’re stuck!

This.

Many women will not date younger men. If he liked you, I can understand this lie... it's absolutely harmless and in my opinion, it's no different than makeup on women. It's the same thing... it's a deception to make others think you're more beautiful, older, younger, etc. It's harmless.

C1N1C · 13/10/2023 09:56

loislovesstewie · 13/10/2023 09:51

You lost me at 'we are pregnant'.

Also this, lol.

ChickpeaPie · 13/10/2023 09:58

Yeah, he’s not pregnant, you are.
sorry, missed the point.

KnickerlessParsons · 13/10/2023 10:00

loislovesstewie · 13/10/2023 09:51

You lost me at 'we are pregnant'.

Same.

But it's 3 years. He probably thought you'd dump him. You say age is not an issue. Get over it.

Original poster
theprincessthepea · 13/10/2023 10:20

@NewPhoneWhoDis1 I’ve learned to check ID by the second date.

I’ve seen letter heads, work ID, even a DBS but I guess didn’t look out for birth year. Ive never been obsessed with peoples passport photos (and I don’t think he has asked for or seen mine) but I guess I should start.

OP posts:
INTERNETEXPL0RER · 13/10/2023 10:26

It was like this with my ex. I discovered lots of small lies, ones he had a reasonable excuse for . Or ones he even blamed me for ( like the PP suggesting you might have dumped him for being younger ).

It went on and on and the lies got bigger and bigger. Until we lost the business we had set up together and our home. Now I’m divorcing him and he’s still lying.

Oh and despite “ us “ having two kids and being married, he never sees his kids or pays child support. So I’d forget that that whole “ we are pregnant” shit . It’s you and you alone who will give birth and care for this children for the next 21 years .

Welcome to biology .

FrenchandSaunders · 13/10/2023 10:29

So did he pretend to celebrate his 30th?

Alopeciabop · 13/10/2023 10:32

I had a boyfriend who said he was 25. I found out a few months in he was actually 3 years older than that. He was very apologetic and we moved on. As time went on I realised he’d said 25 because his ex had got pregnant (came off the pill without it telling him) when he was 25 - he had psychologically stuck to that age where he had no responsibility. I knew about the kid and he was a great dad so it wasn’t to hide that…

it made sense in an odd way BUT it was indicative of a man who had not dealt with some issues and wasn’t good at handling emotions in a healthy way.

why did your bf lie? What was his weird reason?
Was it to trick you into being with him? Was it because you’re very focused on age - you say you joked about him being a year younger all the time which stands out because to many that wouldn’t be of interest enough to bring up on a regular basis so maybe you made him aware early you wouldn’t date a younger man? Just musing of course. Is there an older man he idolises and wants to be? Is 30 his age for having kids and getting married?

either way he did lie and repeatedly and it’s weird. Do you know his parents/siblings??

Lackinginspiration1 · 13/10/2023 10:37

It shouldn’t really be an issue- but since you joke about it repeatedly then clearly it was an issue to you so I can see how he might have wanted to keep it to himself.

UsernameNotAvailableIsNotAvailableEither · 13/10/2023 10:47

People who lie will lie about lots of things. Imagine lying about how old you are? There’s not even a reason to lie about that when it’s such a small gap, not that it’s right to lie about age at all, but anyway, it’s a casual lie, for no real purpose. Somebody who lies casually for no reason will definitely Lie about big things, and what’s more, they’ll be good at it, because they’ve had lots of practice.

ignore all the idiots on here saying you should just get over it because it’s only three years, or picking on the wording of your post. The former have no standards and would like you to have none either, and the latter need to get a life.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 13/10/2023 13:09

My husband is 3 years younger than me. We met when he was 18 and I was 21. I think I'd find it hard to get past the lie. I remember him saying he was 18 and I was a bit like 'oh' 😂 but we've been together for 21 years now. He shouldn't have lied to you but I'm not sure I'd end things

NewPhoneWhoDis1 · 13/10/2023 13:20

Alopeciabop · 13/10/2023 10:32

I had a boyfriend who said he was 25. I found out a few months in he was actually 3 years older than that. He was very apologetic and we moved on. As time went on I realised he’d said 25 because his ex had got pregnant (came off the pill without it telling him) when he was 25 - he had psychologically stuck to that age where he had no responsibility. I knew about the kid and he was a great dad so it wasn’t to hide that…

it made sense in an odd way BUT it was indicative of a man who had not dealt with some issues and wasn’t good at handling emotions in a healthy way.

why did your bf lie? What was his weird reason?
Was it to trick you into being with him? Was it because you’re very focused on age - you say you joked about him being a year younger all the time which stands out because to many that wouldn’t be of interest enough to bring up on a regular basis so maybe you made him aware early you wouldn’t date a younger man? Just musing of course. Is there an older man he idolises and wants to be? Is 30 his age for having kids and getting married?

either way he did lie and repeatedly and it’s weird. Do you know his parents/siblings??

his ex had got pregnant (came off the pill without it telling him) when he was 25 - he had psychologically stuck to that age where he had no responsibility

Sorry but that's the most pathetic excuse ever. Raise your standards.

Alopeciabop · 13/10/2023 13:47

NewPhoneWhoDis1 · 13/10/2023 13:20

his ex had got pregnant (came off the pill without it telling him) when he was 25 - he had psychologically stuck to that age where he had no responsibility

Sorry but that's the most pathetic excuse ever. Raise your standards.

Show quote history

Hmmm…don’t know why you feel the need to be rude. I was explaining the psychological reasoning not justifying the lie.

I also said HAD a bf
i also said it was indicative of a man who had not dealt with some issues and wasn’t good at handling emotions in a healthy way
I also said it’s weird

I thought it was common knowledge that a weird man who isn’t emotionally mature is not desirable.

But I shall rephrase to your preferred communication style…ahem…

I HAD a boyfriend.
He lied about his age which was fucking out of order.
He did it because he was an emotionally stunted man child.
He was pathetic
He had seemed wonderful at first but looking back it was love bombing and manipulative and this was he first in a long line of red flags that revealed his abusive, cunty behaviour.
He then went on to abuse me psychologically, emotionally and physically for years.
My self esteem was eroded and I felt pathetic BONUS info he even called me pathetic, a burden, a whore, and many more fun descriptive words!
After he strangled me, almost pushed me out the window but thought better of it and kicked me in the spine with doc martens on, spat on me, leaving me crawling out of a hotel on my hands and knees unable to walk I figured Hey! I should probably raise my standards a bit.

i guess i just felt I was suggesting op question what his reasons for lying were. It’s easier to leave someone if you can figure those out because the reality is he’s not going to offer his reasons up on a plate - he’ll make her feel like she’s over reacting and she’ll feel guilted into staying. And I didn’t want to project on to the op because I don’t know whether her bf’s lie means he’s an abusive cunt or just a child. But here, OP, is a cautionary tale of what men who lie about their age can turn into.

thank you for the advice @NewPhoneWhoDis1 and the reminder of this lovely portion of my life. Next time, if I decide to open my mouth, I will be sure to spill all the gory details.

Sashya · 13/10/2023 14:08

You sound very young, despite being in your 30s. Or maybe its the pregnancy hormones. The poor guy was terrified you won't give him a chance when you met.

If you are planning on having this baby - you need to grow up very quickly and realise that life is not some sort of romantic fairy-tale with everything being perfect. IF the relationship is good - and it must be if you decided to have a child with him - ending it because of your guy being insecure in his mid 20s when he met you - is really childish. And makes me question if you are ready to be a parent.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 13/10/2023 14:17

@Sashya that's a harsh post

midnitghtgraveyard · 13/10/2023 14:20

Good luck with it.
Congratulations .

But we are pregnant makes my teeth itch. Cringe.
You're pregnant not him.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/10/2023 14:24

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 13/10/2023 14:17

@Sashya that's a harsh post

Bang on the money, though.

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