It’s not the age gap - it’s the LIE!

[theprincessthepea]

I have been seeing my partner for 3 years. I have always known that he is younger than me - by one year and we always joke about it.

However the other day I found out that he is actually 3 years younger. I’m in my very early 30s. He is in his late 20s. We met during covid and celebrated birthdays in bubbles - which is why I thought he was a year younger - because he said. Both of us are not big on birthdays - we just tend to go to a restaurant together and we have separate celebrations with our families (for anyone wondering what happens on birthdays).

The age gap doesn’t bother me. But I have been sooooo upset and angry at him for lying. I’m so annoyed because we are pregnant and I want to give this a go but I’ve lost a level of trust in him.

(for anyone that wants a story - if you don’t skip to the end for the question)
how did I find out: I was chatting about how upset a friend was because she found out her partner was 7 years younger and was ambiguous with age (after 10 months of dating). I made a comment to my partner that I felt he was the same and that I should see his ID. He became weird then after a mini disagreement told me the year he was born followed by “age means nothing”.

Well if it means nothing then why lie about it!!!!!!!

I have tried to see past it but I cannot get over the lie. Looking back he told me he just started uni when he was abit older when I questioned why we weren’t in the same “year group”. I’m wondering what else he has said to keep the lie alive.

If it wasn’t for this pregnancy I would take a break and even leave the relationship. What else is he lying about?

Am I overreacting. In my heart this feels like a red flag on his character and I’m fuming and disappointed.

Those “white lies” are harmless to an extent but actually not always. There’s plenty of people on here who are badly affected when they find out their husband or wife has always had a problem with their weight for example. But I do agree it can be done with good intentions. although unless you are totally naive there’s an element of knowledge that at least some of these are white lies. I certainly take it with a pinch of salt when every man I’m with says my figure is perfect and I’m the prettiest girl in the room etc (my friends are all stunning!) and in fairness a lot of opinions are not permanent and are very subjective. Perhaps in the throes of passion a man does look at a woman and think she’s the most beautiful and perfect shaped ever or he does like all their family at one point etc

However with something very objective like age, you would reasonably believe a serious partner was telling you the truth. And you have a right to know that.

He withheld that information because he decided him wanting to be with her, or his desire to not be embarrassed by owning up was more important than her right to decide with the full information. This is fundamentally wrong and selfish and prioritises his needs.

You can bring out as many ‘comparison’ as you wish but for most decent honest people lying about your age for years is very deceptive. And as OP and other posters points out this deception could be an indicator of a pattern of lying and is definitely not a positive reflection on his character. We can only hope he doesn’t have a secret child /criminal record/previous marriage etc that he is hiding “because he loves her” 🙄

I’ll just leave it here as we are going round in circles and I don’t want to derail the thread.

I just feel sorry for Op as it appears she’s stuck with a liar who lacks maturity and I’m not talking about his age - the lie suggests immaturity.

My husband is 18 months younger than me but lied and made out we were the same age. We met when he was still 19 and I'd turned 21 (nearly 40 years ago now). Fortunately I found out quite early on and he said that he thought I wouldn't go out with him if I knew the truth.

I wonder if your DP felt the same but also felt unable to fess up once time had passed. If he's otherwise a lovely man and you're happy and love him then I wouldn't split up over this.

How many times did you ask him his age? How many times has it come up in conversation and he has lied? If he has not repeatedly lied when you have asked him his age, then I would not even think twice about it.

Wtf - honestly the weirdest response I've heard on Mumsnet.

To all those saying 'Once you've lied about this, you can't come back from it, it's one of those sorts of lie etc', why don't you think he could have said, at any given moment, 'I need to come clean about a daft lie I've told you. I'm actually 32 not 33' or whatever the age is? What would stop him, at any moment over the period of time since he initially told the lie, from telling OP the truth?

To all those saying 'Who can say, in all honesty, that they've never lied to their partner/never lied about their age?'; there are many many people who haven't. Don't normalise your poor habit of dishonesty. Not everybody lies like you.

Lying seems to get a very easy rap. I wouldn't be at all comfortable with this, and neither would my partner. Don't listen to anybody who tells you how you should feel, @theprincessthepea : if you don't like it, you don't like it, and you need to talk it through with him until you find a way to feel better.

@theprincessthepea what was his reason for lying about his age? What did he say?

Really? Ending a relationship over a trivial and harmless lie that most people would laugh about seems excessive. As PP said, what will their child think when OP tells her/him why she left him?

As PP said, what will their child think when OP tells her/him why she left him

'Because he lied to me and I wasn't comfortable with it' will demonstrate self respect to the child, and self validation. Staying in a relationship where you are uncomfortable and don't fully trust your partner is not good for a child. @Ofcourseshecan Why do you think that your view of a lie as 'trivial and harmless' matters? It's not trivial and harmless to OP, it's a breach of trust. Do you think you know better? Do you think you know the reality? Why?

He has misled you as he seems to have known about but not corrected your misunderstanding about his age. However, the age gap isn't big, and you are both young. I think you should consider sitting him down and telling him that the age gap doesn't bother you, it's the fact he allowed you to believe something that wasn't true, which damages trust. Avoid calling it a lie in this conversation as it is a strong word that may make him defensive, and harder for him to empathise with your hurt. If this is what you want, tell him that you love him and want it to work, but he has to understand that it's never okay for him to mislead you, just as it wouldn't be okay for you to do it to him. Ask him to consider it from your position, and to accept responsibility for what he has done, so you can put it behind you. Assuming he isn't a cheat or a serial liar, if you go the distance, you'll look back on it and see it is probably just immaturity that caused it. And the gap will dissolve into nothing when you are twenty years in or more! Good luck!

I’m wondering g what the OP will tell her dc if she stays and

• either her DP lies again because he has proven to be capable to convincingly lying fir 3 years.
• or the relationship deteriorates further and further because the trust has been broken but … she stayed no matter what.

You seem to assume that the OP should just get over it and forget about that ‘little white lie’. What about the next little white lie? And the next one? Can the OP lie to him too, for years? Should the OP teach her dc that white lies are ok and normal? Where do you draw tte limit?

Avoid calling it a lie in this conversation as it is a strong word that may make him defensive, and harder for him to empathise with your hurt

Avoid telling him the truth, because it may trigger an unhealthy response from him? Jeez.

@Fahbeep should taking responsibility for the lying/misleading her fur 3 years not come automatically? I’m surprised you seem to think the OP should ask nicely if he could do that?

And is it really necessary to have to explain to him that misleading people not ok because it damages trust? I’d have thought a 30yo would have known that.

That is so weird to not tell you his age for three years! I’d be annoyed too!

I find some of these responses quite odd. I would think it was a red flag someone lied about their age for a few months. For several years and with the commitment of a baby I find this really unacceptable and quite worrying. Was he intending to lie about this forever?

It's such an unnecessary lie. 3 years isn't a massive gap. So why lie? Either he thinks it's insignificant but she will overreact in which case why does he want to be with her, if her love is so fragile, or he knows it's a big deal and he's taking away her right to know the truth and make up her own mind. Neither option is great!

OP, I think you are right to be upset and I would urge you to be wary and keep an eye out for other worrying behaviours.

@theprincessthepea
People throw around this word - LIE - as if all lies are same and all warrant the same exact reaction. This is the way children are told to see the world when they are very small - and that is why I said that OP needs to get a more adult perspective.

As per her update - I think the issue is slightly different. OP has had a difficult history with her Ex that is clearly affecting her approach to relationships. Making her particularly sensitive to red flags, as she says. But there is a difference between a red flag and a hypervigilance and overreaction.

As I said before - OP decided to have a child with this guy. As she described herself to be on guard; taking it slow; and generally being quite careful with selecting a partner - we can safely assume the Guy in question has been vetted as a good potential partner and a father.

So - the age thing is NOT a red flag. If he has not habitually lied to her over the years she knew him - he didn't lie because of character flaw.
There is NO INSIGHT to his character that OP is imagining.

3 years may not be a big age difference when you are over 30, or later. But it still feels like a big difference when people are in their 20s. In a superficial way though - because that age difference doesn't affect anything important - say fertility. (this is why the example someone used - a woman in late 30s saying she is 35 - is actually a much more substantial misrepresentation, as it may mean the potential partner misses out on having children)

So - as I said before - not all lies are of equal weight, and can't warrant same response. If we were to Red Flag every "lie" and make it a divorceable offence - than most marriages would have to be dissolved.
Do you like my dress? Did you like this movie? Do you want to spend Xmas with my parents? Did you notice that attractive person? Etc ---- IF you practice radical honesty in all aspects of your life at all times and are actually amble to maintain a relationship - please tell us how you do it.

Early in a relationship he fibbed. Like a young person he was, like kids do a lot. He wanted you to give him a chance. He was worried a more experienced and more mature woman (with a child no less) was not going to give him a chance. A very fair assumption, btw.
I'd take it as flattering actually that he was so into you then.

And clearly - few years difference wasn't as important to affect any decisions for you as a couple.
I guess he lacked life experience to realise how damaged you are by your previous relationship and how you'd take this a something it is not.

If you are hypervigilant and on the look out for red flags - you will find them. Your mind would take any imperfection and magnify it. This is exactly what it happening. It's a defence mechanism - but it's self sabotage.
I hope you will find a way to heal and move on from this and give this relationship a proper chance.

Is a block button for Christmas too much to ask for

I’m amazed that grown adults can’t tell the difference between a social lie Eg

No of course your new hair style isn’t hideous!
Your new born baby is beautiful.
That meal was delicious, thank you for making it.

and a long term deception of your spouse / partner kept up for years over something important to you both.

@INTERNETEXPL0RER

I think the poster above is making your precise point.

It was a social lie, not something that is important to both.
OP’s bf admitted he was younger. By 1 or two extra years doesn't significantly change the situation.
But he thought it was needed to bend the truth a little at the time for the relationship to have a chance.

Its like if your partner got a haircut you don't like. You said it looked great.
Partner keeps up that haircut for a few years.
Do you then come clean? Or do you just let it be as it doesn’t impact your relationship.

No, to all of this nonsense. Accentuating your good points with makeup is not on a par with declaring yourself three years younger than you are.
How bizarre.

Lying about your age and keeping up the lie for 3 years is a deeply deeply weird thing to do. It's not trivial or amusing like some are suggesting, and to the PP talking about the age they psychologically checked out at, absolute pish. It's a lie to get what they want. Do not forgive it.

Hey @C1N1C a few questions about what lies are appropriate to give the relationship a chance.

1. They are actually 6 years older than they said and keep it secret for 3 years.
2. They have 2 kids they don't see and keep it secret for 3 years.
3. They've had the snip and keep it secret for 3 years.
4. They've been convicted of a serious sexual offence and keep it secret for 3 years.
5. They wear makeup, they don't lie about it because it's obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes and a functioning brain.

What's acceptable to lie about in the above?

@Sashya you can find many reasons for that guy to have said what he said then.
The issue isn’t not that he said that. The OP says that much.

Its tte fact he didn’t come clean when the relationship became serious.
It might well be that actually the reason was that he wasn’t mature enough to fess up then. The issue is that at no point he actually got mature enough to fess up, even the OP got pregnant and it was obvious hed have to tell her. You know when registering the birth. He never came clean but preferred to carry in the lie fir as long as he could.

Is that really ‘looking for’ red flags?

(btw your post is the first time I’ve heard someone saying it’s bad to look for red flags ‘because if you really want to find someone e, you will’. Are you really trying to say it’s good to ignore said red flags??)

Do you honestly believe this? That it's fine to lie to someone if it's to trick them into staying with you?????????

@DawsonWins it depends on what the OP wants. Not what you are I want, or our online moral judgements. If she wants to continue the relationship, I am proposing a means for bringing him to empathise, understand the effects of his wrongdoing, it's impact on OP and then provide a chance for him to atone. If OP wants to dump him and treat him and the relationship as irredeemable, she has that option to. It's up to her. She can dump before or after giving him a chance and continue as a single parent when her baby is born. I mention that because the issue is complex and not clear cut.

Me, too.