It’s not the age gap - it’s the LIE!

[theprincessthepea]

I have been seeing my partner for 3 years. I have always known that he is younger than me - by one year and we always joke about it.

However the other day I found out that he is actually 3 years younger. I’m in my very early 30s. He is in his late 20s. We met during covid and celebrated birthdays in bubbles - which is why I thought he was a year younger - because he said. Both of us are not big on birthdays - we just tend to go to a restaurant together and we have separate celebrations with our families (for anyone wondering what happens on birthdays).

The age gap doesn’t bother me. But I have been sooooo upset and angry at him for lying. I’m so annoyed because we are pregnant and I want to give this a go but I’ve lost a level of trust in him.

(for anyone that wants a story - if you don’t skip to the end for the question)
how did I find out: I was chatting about how upset a friend was because she found out her partner was 7 years younger and was ambiguous with age (after 10 months of dating). I made a comment to my partner that I felt he was the same and that I should see his ID. He became weird then after a mini disagreement told me the year he was born followed by “age means nothing”.

Well if it means nothing then why lie about it!!!!!!!

I have tried to see past it but I cannot get over the lie. Looking back he told me he just started uni when he was abit older when I questioned why we weren’t in the same “year group”. I’m wondering what else he has said to keep the lie alive.

If it wasn’t for this pregnancy I would take a break and even leave the relationship. What else is he lying about?

Am I overreacting. In my heart this feels like a red flag on his character and I’m fuming and disappointed.

Oh shut up. Always one who has to make others feel bad about lockdown rules and adhering to them. Some of us have compromised immune systems or relatives with cancer. Go take your conspiracy theories to a relevant thread.

What a ridiculous thing to say. You could say it about anything. 'Imagine someone doing something you don't like.... that's life, live with it!'

It totally dismisses the fact that we all have different standards and goals, and that we all have the right to choose where to draw our lines on what to accept.

never taking my thoughts into account and shutting down serious topics because I am “too emotional” blah blah blah) makes me wonder if I will end up in a relationship that chips away at my self esteem - very slowly

You are already there. People in healthy relationships don't post on forums and find the validation reassuring. They find their relationships validating, in themselves.

He's not a good man, sorry. If he says your emotions are too much, that means they're too much for him, not too much according to any other metric. And so, he is saying, essentially, that he is, comparatively, not enough for you.

I told a silly lie early on in a relationship once. I’m really not a liar, I’m honest to an absolute fault. I don’t know how this one happened. I said I’d been engaged before. It was almost like a part of me that wanted him to think I wasn’t an ‘old spinster’ took over.
I don’t mean to avoid responsibility but I did it so quickly and then tore myself up about whether to come clean. Just sharing that incase it helps.

I've got a very close relative with cancer. Said relative didn't fancy sitting alone with cancer for the duration, on the grounds that if she was going to die anyway, she might as well see people while she's doing it.

Believing that lockdown was the wrong policy for sound reasons is far from being a conspiracy theorist.

You're sharing that you're not a liar, and telling us about a lie you told. You might not be a habitual liar, but you had told a lie that might threaten a relationship. You don't know why you did it, so you can't be sure that you might not do it again. The relationship you told the lie in didn't last. How is it meant to be helpful?

@Lostcotter he said that birthdays didn't mean anything. The worst of it was we were out celebrating his birthday with my parents when it all came out!
We split up 3.5 years later after loads more issues

@theprincessthepea did you sort it out one way or the other? Hope you did!

@FOTTFSOFTFOASM just to make it clear about the lockdown rules - we met just before the second lockdown was announced - when you could meet people outside and Boris was pushing eat out to take out. I would have been too paranoid to date otherwise.

Thanks for all of your comments. It’s interesting to hear everyone’s thoughts on lies - for me a lie is a lie but need to find out what’s behind it. @Watchkeys I agree. His attitude to solving problems is very weak and hasn’t been reassuring at all!!

To answer @Fahbeep the age thing has been cleared up but there are other things coming up (mainly pregnancy related) that we have to sort through that’s causing issues. I would like to say age doesn’t matter but it feels like I’m being exposed to a very immature side to him rn

Could take a while to sort sadly