It’s not the age gap - it’s the LIE!

[theprincessthepea]

I have been seeing my partner for 3 years. I have always known that he is younger than me - by one year and we always joke about it.

However the other day I found out that he is actually 3 years younger. I’m in my very early 30s. He is in his late 20s. We met during covid and celebrated birthdays in bubbles - which is why I thought he was a year younger - because he said. Both of us are not big on birthdays - we just tend to go to a restaurant together and we have separate celebrations with our families (for anyone wondering what happens on birthdays).

The age gap doesn’t bother me. But I have been sooooo upset and angry at him for lying. I’m so annoyed because we are pregnant and I want to give this a go but I’ve lost a level of trust in him.

(for anyone that wants a story - if you don’t skip to the end for the question)
how did I find out: I was chatting about how upset a friend was because she found out her partner was 7 years younger and was ambiguous with age (after 10 months of dating). I made a comment to my partner that I felt he was the same and that I should see his ID. He became weird then after a mini disagreement told me the year he was born followed by “age means nothing”.

Well if it means nothing then why lie about it!!!!!!!

I have tried to see past it but I cannot get over the lie. Looking back he told me he just started uni when he was abit older when I questioned why we weren’t in the same “year group”. I’m wondering what else he has said to keep the lie alive.

If it wasn’t for this pregnancy I would take a break and even leave the relationship. What else is he lying about?

Am I overreacting. In my heart this feels like a red flag on his character and I’m fuming and disappointed.

You are being overly simplistic. Calling something a lie implies fraud and malicious intent. Calling someone a liar is a sure fire way to ensure you do not persuade them to your viewpoint and makes it harder for them to accept fault. Human beings have egos, men and women, and ego gets in the way in situations like this. I think the OP's partner is in the wrong here, but based on what she said, he isn't yet ready to accept that. I was proposing a way to help him empathise with her position to see his deception and atone. But yeah, just call him a liar and move straight to sentencing. I am sure that will be really helpful advice for their long term relationship with a baby due imminently.

@Fahbeep but he's a liar. He lied. He lied to deceive her in to a relationship. Dance around the syntax all you want but he's a liar. What would be an unacceptable lie?

@Fahbeep

You are being overly simplistic. Calling something a lie implies fraud and malicious intent

A lie is a deliberate untruth. Complicate it with further and more complicated meanings if you like, it makes no difference. Here is the Cambridge dictionary definition of 'lie':

'to say or write something that is not true in order to deceive someone'

You might not think he's lied, but that's irrelevant: he has.

@Watchkeys @seafronty you're both still
missing the point and being simplistic. No one is disputing that the DP has been untruthful, but you two seem bent on pillorying the DP in a way that is unlikely to help to OP or their relationship. The OP needs constructive advice to explore whether there is a way to bring her DP to an understanding of what he did wrong and to see if then he can empathise and apologise sincerely. The alternative is to advise harsh uncompromising language and perhaps trigger an immediate break-up. I'm not sure if that's the outcome you would prefer, but if so, it seems a bit mischievous to me.

@Fahbeep if the DP had not told the OP the following things, would that be acceptable?
He had a child.
He'd been married and never divorced.
He'd been convicted of a sexual assault.

What's an inappropriate level of lying to start a relationship with someone? How low are your standards?

Edit. Also, if the OP is really gonna follow the advice as stated on a random anonymous forum as opposed to weighing all points of view before coming to her own conclusions, then she's probably got larger issues.

I knew someone who married a woman who he believed was 7 years older than him. He didn't find out until their daughters were adults that she was 17 years older.
Now THAT'S a lie!

@seafronty you are in the realms of fantasy now and demonstrating why your view is of little help to the OP. You're now creating straw man scenarios that have no relation to the facts. DP was vague about his age to a small degree (as viewed by anyone looking at it over the age of 40). It smacks of immaturity to me, and he deserves a telling off, but it does not mean it was done with malice. And I think you do the OP a huge disservice to equate the untruthfulness here to big deceptive malicious lies up there high on the MN bastard scale. It's your way maybe, but it is a bit absolutist and uncompromising for me. Good luck to you though if that's how you run your relationships.

Wow. That's really bad.

@Fahbeep I try not to accept people lying to me. But hey, fair enough, complain its a strawman argument all you want but it's still relevant.

I understand completely. I recently got catfished by a man who told me he was 28 but was really 24 he knew I wasn't interested in younger men so lied.

you're both still missing the point and being simplistic

No, @Fahbeep, you're projecting a bunch of crap onto what I'm saying. I'm not talking about what op 'should' do, or what lying means in a relationship. It's not for me to decide, because it means different things to different people. This means that not everybody thinks just like you, which you don't seem to have grasped. It's fine that you think it's ok to lie in a relationship. That's your own prerogative. It's not fine to tell other people that they're wrong for disagreeing with you, or not to feel how they feel about it.

The facts are that he lied, and OP isn't comfortable with that. She needs to respond to her discomfort in a way that respects her, not be told by some internet random that she needs to be careful how she speaks to the liar, in case she upsets him.

Sorry for speaking about you in the 3rd person, @theprincessthepea I hope you'll tell him how you feel about this, rather than tiptoeing around his feelings. He hasn't tiptoed around yours.

We are pregnant 🤣🤣

Lying is one of my biggest deal breakers, it chips away at my trust in a person - so for me it's a massive red flag and potentially a relationship ender.

Happened to me too he was four years younger than me I was early 20s he was 19/20 we had a baby before I found out he was an assistant manager it just never occurred to me that he lied? it was one in a long line of lies tbh we split he moved on new family ditched his daughter hasn't seen her since turns out she might have been his second child not his first so he lied A LOT I was way more careful the second time around

Tough one. I'd want to understand more about why he lied before I decided if I could live with it or not. Does he feel bad about it? On another note, you say you've taken the relationship slowly but pregnancy after 3 years doesn't seem that slow to me (though I'll grant you that you could have moved much quicker!). Having a child with someone is a huge commitment and I'd be devastated he didn't feel he should reveal the truth before making that commitment together. How heavily pregnant are you, if you split could you theoretically get an abortion? (I say theoretically because obviously in practice you may not want to/would be awful with a much-wanted baby).

The dbs certificate has a date of birth

Really clearly at the top

I’m not sure that the issue isn’t clear cut for the OP but she is clearly also feeling guilty if her baby ends up Wo a father right from the start.

And i get where you are coming from. Negotiate, appeal to his reason and good side. Don’t create a situation where all barriers are automatically going up etc…

But it’s also treating him like a child. It’s assuming he will not be able to have an adult conversation about it.
And, in itself, is just as much of an issue Imo.

I think that by doing that, you might end up smoothing things over for a while. Long term, it’s toxic. Having being in such a place myself, it doesn’t help. You need an adult , acting like an adult in front of you to solve issues, esp when it comes down to trust.

She’s not planning to murder him, just to end their relationship because she doesn’t trust him any more.

So of course her child will still have a father, it’s just they wont live together. That wont prevent him being a very involved parent, especially if hes the great guy that so many posters here are painting him to be .

You might as well say that if they split up, the baby wont have a mother .

What the actual fuck. “This poor guy was terrified you wouldn’t give him a chance”
Erm no- he’s a bare faced liar who manipulated the truth to deceived her.
”You need to grow up quickly “
Grow up? Because she’s upset she just found out her partner is a liar?
“Ending it because of your guy being insecure in his 20s is really childish “
No actually you are allowed to end a relationship for any reason you want and in this case it would be because he’s crossed her boundary and deceived her. That makes you question she is ready to be parent? What?
Absolutely unbelievable post. I’d hazard a guess that you yourself are some kind of pathological liar and think it’s ok to behave like this and so are on the defensive-why are you attacking OP for being justifiable upset?

OP, I have to tell you that in my personal experience and vastly the experience of those I know, people that lie and deceive- and this was no white lie either was it- will do it time and time again because they are comfortable bending the truth to suit themselves and get what they want. It’s absolutely habitual. I’m so sorry for your situation, iv been in very similar circumstances to you. Keep your eyes peeled I mean maybe this is a one off and you can build trust again but I know right now your focus needs to be on your health and getting ready for your new arrival. I wish you all the best Xx

Say the OP never found out. Then they roll round to retirement time and the partner says, actually sorry love but I've got to work for another 5 years. Entertain yourself. Is that a fair situation? I'm amazed at the number of people who are willing to accept their partners lying to them to start a relationship. To start it!

I couldn't be with him after this, OP.

It seems like a fairly inconsequential lie on the surface. But it's the fact that he could keep it up for so long, and especially when it's such a seemingly pointless thing to lie about. It's 3 years and you don't even care.

It would make me question his whole personality and integrity, and whether there are other things he would lie about.

I was once with someone who lied about the stupidest things that really didn't matter e.g. he went into a shop and bought some sweets for himself, and gave the shopkeeper a whole spiel about how they were for his pregnant daughter (who didn't exist!) - I have no idea why he did things like this.

Of course, it turned out he was lying about much bigger things as well. By the end of our relationship I really couldn't tell what was true and what wasn't.

Not saying your partner does this... but to me, people who lie are just incredibly unattractive and cowardly.

Good question

Do you think that when he met you that he found out your age before he revealed yours and he really wanted to make a go of it with you so decided (stupidly) to say he was three years older than his actual age so that you would not think he was too immature for you?

Then as time went on he felt awkward about telling you and has kept and it's snowballed into now being a huge thing between you?

If he's been a good partner in every way then I would be inclined to forgive him but stress that if he lies about anything again, that's it.

If he's not a great partner then use it as an excuse to point out his many failings and dump.

@INTERNETEXPL0RER you know very well what ‘living Wo a father’ means.
And I’m sure I dint need to explain that to you.

You’re just looking for a fight there. And it’s not helpful.

We're all internet randoms on here. Including you. You seem to pop up a lot in threads though with one note advice for every situation (leave him). You seem very invested in ending other people's relationships. Sorry to play the person rather than the ball, but you went their first.

Very odd! Like you say, the age gap is nothing but it's bizarre that he'd lie. I assume it's because he was worried you wouldn't date him if he was three years younger but it's not OK to lie! He's stupid because of course you would have found out eventually.
He needs to explain his thought process to you and you have a decision to make.