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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It’s not the age gap - it’s the LIE!

159 replies

theprincessthepea · 13/10/2023 09:06

I have been seeing my partner for 3 years. I have always known that he is younger than me - by one year and we always joke about it.

However the other day I found out that he is actually 3 years younger. I’m in my very early 30s. He is in his late 20s. We met during covid and celebrated birthdays in bubbles - which is why I thought he was a year younger - because he said. Both of us are not big on birthdays - we just tend to go to a restaurant together and we have separate celebrations with our families (for anyone wondering what happens on birthdays).

The age gap doesn’t bother me. But I have been sooooo upset and angry at him for lying. I’m so annoyed because we are pregnant and I want to give this a go but I’ve lost a level of trust in him.

(for anyone that wants a story - if you don’t skip to the end for the question)
how did I find out: I was chatting about how upset a friend was because she found out her partner was 7 years younger and was ambiguous with age (after 10 months of dating). I made a comment to my partner that I felt he was the same and that I should see his ID. He became weird then after a mini disagreement told me the year he was born followed by “age means nothing”.

Well if it means nothing then why lie about it!!!!!!!

I have tried to see past it but I cannot get over the lie. Looking back he told me he just started uni when he was abit older when I questioned why we weren’t in the same “year group”. I’m wondering what else he has said to keep the lie alive.

If it wasn’t for this pregnancy I would take a break and even leave the relationship. What else is he lying about?

Am I overreacting. In my heart this feels like a red flag on his character and I’m fuming and disappointed.

OP posts:
potatoheads · 15/10/2023 23:06

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 13/10/2023 13:09

My husband is 3 years younger than me. We met when he was 18 and I was 21. I think I'd find it hard to get past the lie. I remember him saying he was 18 and I was a bit like 'oh' 😂 but we've been together for 21 years now. He shouldn't have lied to you but I'm not sure I'd end things

Watch out. There are people on Mn who will tell you that you are sick predator for dating someone just out of school when you were a much older adult at 21. People on here are weird.

Proudbitch · 16/10/2023 09:33

OP - I understand where you are coming from, however I think that when you are at the early stages, not knowing what the future holds, a lot of people lie about their age at the start. And it is the kind of thing that once you start it you don’t know how to come out of that lie and so may just avoid it as really in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter.

I don’t think you need to be concerned about what else he is lying about. I’d recommend getting him to commit to being open and honest moving forwards even in an awkward situation. Perhaps he just avoids conflict and was scared of losing you!

Ohmylovejune · 16/10/2023 09:50

I know this sounds mad but I often forget how old I am. I only get it wrong by a year generally but for anything Important I do have to stop, calculate it and think!

I don't make a big song and dance over my birthday so, perhaps I should, and then it'll give me a point of reference!

StarlightLime · 16/10/2023 09:58

Ohmylovejune · 16/10/2023 09:50

I know this sounds mad but I often forget how old I am. I only get it wrong by a year generally but for anything Important I do have to stop, calculate it and think!

I don't make a big song and dance over my birthday so, perhaps I should, and then it'll give me a point of reference!

You wouldn't celebrate a big O birthday when you were three years off it by mistake, though? Nobody would.

DawsonWins · 16/10/2023 10:02

Ohmylovejune · 16/10/2023 09:50

I know this sounds mad but I often forget how old I am. I only get it wrong by a year generally but for anything Important I do have to stop, calculate it and think!

I don't make a big song and dance over my birthday so, perhaps I should, and then it'll give me a point of reference!

I think a lot of people are in the same place. I know I am (I’m usually calculating what my age from my year Id birth 😂😂)

But when someone is asking me my age, esp to actually CONFIRM how old I am ‘because there has been a confusion for 2~3 years already’, I would be getting it right.
When I’m organising (or I have my partner organising) a big birthday such as my 30th, I’d know for sure which year that birthday is.

Even when you never make a fuss about birthday…..

Ohmylovejune · 16/10/2023 10:02

No, I'm not that confused!

SamW98 · 16/10/2023 10:20

I’m a bit shocked at people on here who check partners ID - don’t think it’s ever crossed my mind to look at a man’s passport before I get into a relationship. That’s just bizarre to me.

Back to OP - after reading your update I’m sorry but I couldn’t let it go. He’s a liar who is belittling your feelings.

I absolutely hate the term ‘little white lies’ there’s no such thing. A lie is a lie is a lie - end of story imo

Turquoisesea · 16/10/2023 10:26

He shouldn’t have lied but I think if it is otherwise a good relationship I wouldn’t break up over this. When I met my now DH he told a couple of fairly big lies which I eventually found out about. He was mortified and apologised and said he only lied to try and impress me but obviously I was really upset at the time but chose to forgive him. 25 years on I don’t believe he’s lied about anything else and have no reason to believe he has.

If there are no other red flags and he’s otherwise a decent partner and the fact you are pregnant I would just let him know that it wasn’t ok and you aren’t happy about it but then move on. It might have been he thought you wouldn’t date him because of his age so lied initially and then didn’t know how to broach it once you were in the relationship.

StarlightLime · 16/10/2023 10:30

Turquoisesea · 16/10/2023 10:26

He shouldn’t have lied but I think if it is otherwise a good relationship I wouldn’t break up over this. When I met my now DH he told a couple of fairly big lies which I eventually found out about. He was mortified and apologised and said he only lied to try and impress me but obviously I was really upset at the time but chose to forgive him. 25 years on I don’t believe he’s lied about anything else and have no reason to believe he has.

If there are no other red flags and he’s otherwise a decent partner and the fact you are pregnant I would just let him know that it wasn’t ok and you aren’t happy about it but then move on. It might have been he thought you wouldn’t date him because of his age so lied initially and then didn’t know how to broach it once you were in the relationship.

A couple of "fairly big" lies? Hmm. I'd be put off by the stupidity of the assumption that you wouldn't find out as much as the lies themselves.

Turquoisesea · 16/10/2023 10:35

@StarlightLime maybe fairly big lies wasn’t the right phrase. Just lied about a previous job and the town he came from (abroad) to make him sound more interesting so in the big scheme of things not worth ending the relationship over at the time.

OP after reading your update I think the fact he celebrated his 30th and carried on the lie would have me more concerned so I can see why you are.

billy1966 · 16/10/2023 10:45

SamW98 · 16/10/2023 10:20

I’m a bit shocked at people on here who check partners ID - don’t think it’s ever crossed my mind to look at a man’s passport before I get into a relationship. That’s just bizarre to me.

Back to OP - after reading your update I’m sorry but I couldn’t let it go. He’s a liar who is belittling your feelings.

I absolutely hate the term ‘little white lies’ there’s no such thing. A lie is a lie is a lie - end of story imo

Completely agree.

It would NEVER have occurred to me to not believe someone on this score and ask for proof.

I cannot understand the tolerance for lies.

People who lie easily to make life easier for themselves are 100% untrustworthy.

It is who they are.

They don't suddenly stop, they do it because it suits them to do it any time for any reason big or small.

No way would I want to be in a relationship with a liar, there would never be any trust or peace.

Rachel0405 · 16/10/2023 10:59

Some of these responses are very harsh… given the amount of people (men and women) who lie, it’s statistically impossible that all of these women have husbands who are honest with them 100% of the time. A lot will be having affairs, sleeping with sex workers, have secret children, etc that they are oblivious to.

If it’s the only ‘big’ lie and you are otherwise happy, I’d let it go. Although have you considered that he might be even younger than what he’s now admitted hence him not showing you any ID?

FiestyGemini · 16/10/2023 17:29

THIS.

OhDoSitDownAndShutUp · 16/10/2023 17:32

3 years is nothing! Yes, he lied, but perhaps he thought you'd dump him (that would be shallow for such a small age gap). Are you both pregnant? 😂

Boiledfrogs1989 · 16/10/2023 17:37

I don’t see how anyone can think this is ok. Maintaining a lie for 3 years is a lot of effort and means lots of little lies to maintain the “original” lie.

My ex used to lie about smoking. He never smoked very much and I’d never actually seen him smoke but once we’d been together a few months, he said he wanted to quit. I never asked him to, we never even spoke about his smoking, he quit and that was that. To say I didn’t care, I gave no shits whatsoever, all my exes smoked, my parents and grandad always smoked heavily- not something I’ve ever judged anyone on, I just don’t smoke myself. Sometimes he’d come back from work and he smelt like smoke. I’d say oh you’ve smoked? He would deny it so much, we’d have a blowout cause I wasn’t sure why he was lying. Couple years later I still have no idea why he would lie about that. But what I do know is he lied about a fuck load of other stuff too!
Liars will lie about anything and everything and justify themselves for doing so.

Projecting and saying he was frightened or worried to tell the truth is sooo manipulative and I can’t bear to see some of the comments support that reasoning!!

IMustDoMoreExercise · 16/10/2023 17:49

It would depend if he lies about other things.

I would forgive this lie because he obviously liked you and was worried that you wouldn't date him.

But if he lies about other things then that is different.

notsorighteousthesedays · 16/10/2023 17:53

My STBEx lied about his age too and kept it up for years. When I found out - I think we were getting passports - he apologised and excused himself as PPs have said and I forgave it and we moved on. At least I thought we had, it was just some of the other lies took longer to be exposed and he kept adding new ones.

He lied because he enjoyed lying and knowing things others didn't. Once the age gap was out in the open he started making nasty public comments about me being older as if I had deceived him!!

Anyway here we are many years later, he left for another woman 5 years ago and the divorce still isn't finalised because of his lies and omissions.

I would like to say this couldn't possibly happen to you too but guess what? I would probably be lying!! 😕

SamW98 · 16/10/2023 18:08

I don’t see how anyone can think this is ok. Maintaining a lie for 3 years is a lot of effort and means lots of little lies to maintain the “original” lie.

100% it doesn’t matter how big or small the lie is it’s the 3 years of keeping it up that’s the biggest issue.

BirthdayRainbow · 16/10/2023 18:26

Not pathetic. It's a well known situation that if one has a trauma they can be stuck at that age in certain situations.

Radioshark · 16/10/2023 18:38

My mother was five years older than dad. He had just turned 23 when they married. I was born 11 months later and loved having a dad that liked the music of the day etc.

StarlightLime · 16/10/2023 18:42

BirthdayRainbow · 16/10/2023 18:26

Not pathetic. It's a well known situation that if one has a trauma they can be stuck at that age in certain situations.

Developmentally, perhaps. Not actually announcing you're still that age several years later and ignoring the years that have passed.
How does that even work unless you actually claim to be the same age year after year instead of getting one year older like everybody else? 🤯

BirthdayRainbow · 16/10/2023 18:48

I was replying about the post where the man said he was 25 when he wasn't because he'd had a difficult time at 25.

YerArseInParsley · 16/10/2023 20:12

theprincessthepea · 13/10/2023 09:06

I have been seeing my partner for 3 years. I have always known that he is younger than me - by one year and we always joke about it.

However the other day I found out that he is actually 3 years younger. I’m in my very early 30s. He is in his late 20s. We met during covid and celebrated birthdays in bubbles - which is why I thought he was a year younger - because he said. Both of us are not big on birthdays - we just tend to go to a restaurant together and we have separate celebrations with our families (for anyone wondering what happens on birthdays).

The age gap doesn’t bother me. But I have been sooooo upset and angry at him for lying. I’m so annoyed because we are pregnant and I want to give this a go but I’ve lost a level of trust in him.

(for anyone that wants a story - if you don’t skip to the end for the question)
how did I find out: I was chatting about how upset a friend was because she found out her partner was 7 years younger and was ambiguous with age (after 10 months of dating). I made a comment to my partner that I felt he was the same and that I should see his ID. He became weird then after a mini disagreement told me the year he was born followed by “age means nothing”.

Well if it means nothing then why lie about it!!!!!!!

I have tried to see past it but I cannot get over the lie. Looking back he told me he just started uni when he was abit older when I questioned why we weren’t in the same “year group”. I’m wondering what else he has said to keep the lie alive.

If it wasn’t for this pregnancy I would take a break and even leave the relationship. What else is he lying about?

Am I overreacting. In my heart this feels like a red flag on his character and I’m fuming and disappointed.

@theprincessthepea

Is he definitely only 3 years younger cause you didn't say you definitely saw his ID, only told you his date of birth?

In 3 years yous have celebrated birthdays apart with family, was that always his suggestion?

I would be annoyed about the lie too especially it going on for so long. Did he give you a reason why he lied? 3 years isn't a big gap but I'd be worried about what else he's lied about. If you socialise with his family, casually bring it up like a funny story and see what his family has to say about it, they may confirm his age although I'd still be checking myself and not taking his word for it.

Oh, and forget the comment about you bring immature. I don't know how anyone can accuse you of being immature by asking advice on a lie but then that's mn for ya.

Thexwife · 17/10/2023 10:13

My ex husband lied to me on our first date. And used the excuse he thought it would be a deal breaker. The fact he’s kept the lie going for 3 years is worrying. Once things moved on from casual why didn’t he tell her. It was going to come out so should have told her then, or at next birthday. In my experience someone who lies to you initially has made a conscious decision to deceive someone they don’t even know is not a good partner to have. Be very careful. Pregnancy made me give my husband another chance and then a baby unlimited chances - but I divorced him in the end. Be careful don’t rush into anything. First of all ask him if there are any more lies. And tell him if he says no when there are, you will find out sooner or later, then it’s game over. Why did he keep the lie going? Did he never look guilty when he lied or uncomfortable- if you had no idea he was lying- that’s a worth too. Don’t marry him or have any more children. Go slow, very slow.

Lilyburnspotts · 17/10/2023 11:27

There's 3.5 years between me and my partner. We've been together 10 years so no one thinks about age now but when we were in our early twenties everyone thought it was crazy that I was 24 and he was 20/21 etc. At the time I remember him being quite self conscious of the fact I was older and more life experience etc.
Perhaps your OH was so desperate to be with you and he thought age would be an issue that he lied and then worried that coming clean would change things and got himself into a mess! If you have no other worries I would just work on getting over it. Definitely don't make any rash decisions when pregnant as everything feels different after baby is born and you may completely bond again over baby and all the hard work you'll have with baby, it might not be a huge issue then. You can always have counselling too if you think it's worth working at.