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Original poster

It’s not the age gap - it’s the LIE!

159 replies

theprincessthepea · 13/10/2023 09:06

I have been seeing my partner for 3 years. I have always known that he is younger than me - by one year and we always joke about it.

However the other day I found out that he is actually 3 years younger. I’m in my very early 30s. He is in his late 20s. We met during covid and celebrated birthdays in bubbles - which is why I thought he was a year younger - because he said. Both of us are not big on birthdays - we just tend to go to a restaurant together and we have separate celebrations with our families (for anyone wondering what happens on birthdays).

The age gap doesn’t bother me. But I have been sooooo upset and angry at him for lying. I’m so annoyed because we are pregnant and I want to give this a go but I’ve lost a level of trust in him.

(for anyone that wants a story - if you don’t skip to the end for the question)
how did I find out: I was chatting about how upset a friend was because she found out her partner was 7 years younger and was ambiguous with age (after 10 months of dating). I made a comment to my partner that I felt he was the same and that I should see his ID. He became weird then after a mini disagreement told me the year he was born followed by “age means nothing”.

Well if it means nothing then why lie about it!!!!!!!

I have tried to see past it but I cannot get over the lie. Looking back he told me he just started uni when he was abit older when I questioned why we weren’t in the same “year group”. I’m wondering what else he has said to keep the lie alive.

If it wasn’t for this pregnancy I would take a break and even leave the relationship. What else is he lying about?

Am I overreacting. In my heart this feels like a red flag on his character and I’m fuming and disappointed.

OP posts:
CatusFlatus · 15/10/2023 09:54

loislovesstewie · 13/10/2023 09:51

You lost me at 'we are pregnant'.

Me too.

CatusFlatus · 15/10/2023 10:04

UsernameNotAvailableIsNotAvailableEither · 13/10/2023 10:47

People who lie will lie about lots of things. Imagine lying about how old you are? There’s not even a reason to lie about that when it’s such a small gap, not that it’s right to lie about age at all, but anyway, it’s a casual lie, for no real purpose. Somebody who lies casually for no reason will definitely Lie about big things, and what’s more, they’ll be good at it, because they’ve had lots of practice.

ignore all the idiots on here saying you should just get over it because it’s only three years, or picking on the wording of your post. The former have no standards and would like you to have none either, and the latter need to get a life.

No, the latter know the reality that women carry the burden of pregnancy and overwhelmingly of child rearing. Using nonsense phrases like 'we are pregnant' belittles women's experience of pregnancy.

'We are expecting a baby' fine, but only the woman is pregnant with all that means for her health and future life. It's simply not the same for men and we shouldn't imply that it is.

foodaddict21 · 15/10/2023 10:13

When I met my DH, I was 21 & he told me he was late 20s because he thought I wouldn't be interested in someone 10 years older. He did come clean after a month or so however.

I think in your situation, it's the bigger picture scenario. He probably just let it go on too long & then felt he couldn't fess up, but if he's lied about something that apparently doesn't matter, what else could he lie about? Personally, I'd strike this up as a bad error in judgement & see what happens going forward.

willWillSmithsmith · 15/10/2023 10:15

I think you just need to have a really good talk with each other. Thrash it out so the air is cleared and you have a better understanding of why he lied and why he didn’t come clean earlier and where you go from there. Sitting stewing isn’t going to help either of you.

Original poster
theprincessthepea · 15/10/2023 11:46

@FrenchandSaunders @Takeabreather23 you could say the age thing was a double lie. I had to think this through because he celebrated his “30th” but we met sometime during the covid lockdowns.

On his online profile (where I met him) - he was 2 years older. I had my bday first and turned 30 (I didn’t do anything because I hate bdays and he made a whole fuss about how I should do something). Then months later he turned “30” and this was when the 2nd or 3rd lockdown was introduced. I remember because he made a fuss about not being able to celebrate because the covid restrictions were back (on my bday the whole eat out to help out thing was around so you could have small gatherings).

I can’t remember how I found out he wasn’t the same age as his profile but at some point between our bdays we had an argument because I was upset that he led me to believe that he was older than me - I think it was something he said after my bday admitting that he wasn’t 30 yet - but we got over it. The age thing became a running joke.

Honestly as I’m remembering it sounds so silly and wish I’d asked for ID (or took bdays seriously). I guess I didn’t need the help of mumsnet then!

Anyway we have had an open conversation since finding out he is 3 years younger l!! His reaction has been indifferent and apologetic in an odd way- sadly similar to how he has dealt with the pregnancy - which is shrugging off my reality and not taking it as seriously. Yes he apologised. Apparently I never really asked for his age and it’s just a number anyway - but he is mature which according to him is all that matters (which he clearly isn’t). Then went on a rant about how women never go for younger guys and that he has had bad experience with younger women (we have had convos about exes over the years -as you do- and he has had immature and manipulative exes who were younger) and prefers older and finds women with children are more mature (which has come up when I thought we were just months apart in age).

I haven’t made an official decision but this lie coupled with the new side I’ve seen of him since being pregnant (never taking my thoughts into account and shutting down serious topics because I am “too emotional” blah blah blah) makes me wonder if I will end up in a relationship that chips away at my self esteem - very slowly. A thought I’ve never had throughout our relationship as he has been very supportive.

I’ve taken time out to think.

The pregnancy wasn’t planned for everyone that says I moved too fast. Although I always said I don’t want children after 35 (personal choice).

Didn’t mean to offend or confuse anyone with “we” are pregnant haha - you get what I mean - we are expecting. I’m tired of societies norms that make it easier for men to “escape” fatherhood.

Thanks for all comments. I posted on mumsnet as I thought I was overreacting- and he made me feel as if I was. So I appreciate the comments that have validated my thoughts.

OP posts:
DawsonWins · 15/10/2023 12:21

He lied TWICE?!?

He had the opportunity to put things right and then decided that more lying is what was best?
Sorry but if there was any doubt before now there isn’t.

And his exes were manipulative and immature. Riiiight…..

Litchrally · 15/10/2023 13:09

Are you both pregnant or is it just you?

MidnightEagle · 15/10/2023 13:42

Sorry but that is definitely a red flag especially reading your update that he lied twice. 😪

billy1966 · 15/10/2023 14:10

OP, rethink this pregnancy asap.

He has shown his true colours.

A deceitful liar.

If you have time, rethink.

Do not become permanently attached to him, particularly as you have a child.

Get out while you can.

He has zero relationship with the truth.

NEVER trust a liar, it goes to their core character.

luw7797 · 15/10/2023 17:08

I would be upset that he’d lied but I can also see how he mightve felt stuck in the lie once he’d said it, hence not coming clean for three years. Personally I wouldn’t date anyone younger than me, I would maybe stretch to a year or two younger if I really really liked the person and I think a lot of women are similar so maybe he lied in the first place because of that.
If I was in your position I’d give it a go for the sake of the baby. Be on the look out for other red flags and see how he behaves now the truth is out. Sulking/blaming you = man child you could do without, genuine remorse and desire to rebuild relationship = good sign it can work.

novalia89 · 15/10/2023 17:11

I was meeting up with an ex after we were trying to be friends after breaking up months before. I asked him about my sisters names and he didn’t know, and then my age and he didn’t know. I was gobsmacked and extremely hurt. We were already broken up but he didn’t know something as fundamental as my age.
In this scenario, not knowing something as fundamental as his true age must hurt too. Age is such an important detail in someone’s life and she doesn’t know her partner’s true age. It’s embarrassing (well it was for me).

I also met someone at a club and he told me he was 23. When we met up afterwards he told me he was 21 and didn’t know why he had told me he was 23. If I hadn’t had clarified it I may have been in the situation (although I think that it’s pretty difficult to not know someone’s true age by just life interactions. I’m not sure how he got away with it for 3 years).

tara66 · 15/10/2023 17:30

My mother always thought my father (who she divorced) was 3 years younger than her and only found out he was actually 4 years younger when she had to get copy of his birth cert. to get my sister a passport.

DawsonWins · 15/10/2023 17:43

luw7797 · 15/10/2023 17:08

I would be upset that he’d lied but I can also see how he mightve felt stuck in the lie once he’d said it, hence not coming clean for three years. Personally I wouldn’t date anyone younger than me, I would maybe stretch to a year or two younger if I really really liked the person and I think a lot of women are similar so maybe he lied in the first place because of that.
If I was in your position I’d give it a go for the sake of the baby. Be on the look out for other red flags and see how he behaves now the truth is out. Sulking/blaming you = man child you could do without, genuine remorse and desire to rebuild relationship = good sign it can work.

But would you lie about it a SECOND TIME @luw7797 ?
Would you tell a lie to cover the first lie?

NutellaNut · 15/10/2023 18:21

I honestly couldn’t get worked up over 3 years. You thought he was a year younger anyway, so actually only 2 years difference, 24 months, compared to what you thought. Absolutely nothing. Slightly weird that he lied about it. If it was a big difference I could understand your feelings, but 3 years? Nah. You’re pregnant, do you really want to split up with your baby’s dad over him being 3 years younger?

Mswest · 15/10/2023 18:41

Haven't read thread, but when you first meet someone you don't know if it will last and it might then just have been hard to go back on it. It's a bit weird that you're only finding out but really not a big deal in itself my husband is 3 years younger than me. Be glad you are lucky enough to be in what seems to be an otherwise good relationship with a baby on the way. Honestly this is something you should be able to tell your child and laugh about later.

Crafthead · 15/10/2023 19:08

Always listen to your gut. I'd have saved 20 years of heartbreak if I'd done that at the first lie.

Father1 · 15/10/2023 19:17

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Craycraycatbaby · 15/10/2023 19:22

theprincessthepea · 13/10/2023 10:20

@NewPhoneWhoDis1 I’ve learned to check ID by the second date.

I’ve seen letter heads, work ID, even a DBS but I guess didn’t look out for birth year. Ive never been obsessed with peoples passport photos (and I don’t think he has asked for or seen mine) but I guess I should start.

Hang on... You haven't even been on holiday together yet? Jeepers

DawsonWins · 15/10/2023 19:23

Mswest · 15/10/2023 18:41

Haven't read thread, but when you first meet someone you don't know if it will last and it might then just have been hard to go back on it. It's a bit weird that you're only finding out but really not a big deal in itself my husband is 3 years younger than me. Be glad you are lucky enough to be in what seems to be an otherwise good relationship with a baby on the way. Honestly this is something you should be able to tell your child and laugh about later.

I’d always advise to read at least all the OP’s posts. Usually helps to form an opinion.

in this case, there isn’t many of them and the last one might well change your mind re the depth of the lies…. And general attitude of this guy.

StarlightLime · 15/10/2023 19:28

This reply has been deleted

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Does she think you're 35? If not, I don't know what the point of your post was really 🤷🏻‍♀️

SeatonCarew · 15/10/2023 20:01

Alopeciabop · 13/10/2023 10:32

I had a boyfriend who said he was 25. I found out a few months in he was actually 3 years older than that. He was very apologetic and we moved on. As time went on I realised he’d said 25 because his ex had got pregnant (came off the pill without it telling him) when he was 25 - he had psychologically stuck to that age where he had no responsibility. I knew about the kid and he was a great dad so it wasn’t to hide that…

it made sense in an odd way BUT it was indicative of a man who had not dealt with some issues and wasn’t good at handling emotions in a healthy way.

why did your bf lie? What was his weird reason?
Was it to trick you into being with him? Was it because you’re very focused on age - you say you joked about him being a year younger all the time which stands out because to many that wouldn’t be of interest enough to bring up on a regular basis so maybe you made him aware early you wouldn’t date a younger man? Just musing of course. Is there an older man he idolises and wants to be? Is 30 his age for having kids and getting married?

either way he did lie and repeatedly and it’s weird. Do you know his parents/siblings??

This is a ridiculous excuse for his behaviour.

Sjh15 · 15/10/2023 20:04

Awww no Op. I’m 33, my DP is coming up 28 , got a child together, been together 4 years. (I’m female he’s male so I’m older) but I’d be absolutely FURIOUS if he suddenly told me he’s 24 or 25. I’m with you on this. I don’t care I’m 5 years older than him. It would be the lie. I’d be furious if I found out now that he’s 32! It’s the lie!

JoR22 · 15/10/2023 20:15

Imagine someone telling little white lies eh? That's life, get over it.

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 15/10/2023 20:24

I was struggling with the "we are pregnant" thing, too, but given that you have explained...

I'd laugh about this, personally. I cba with all the drama, which is more befitting a 13 yr old than a 30 yr old.

However, I'd be very wary of anyone who adhered to lockdown rules. That, to my mind, would be a bigger red flag than someone lying about his age.

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 15/10/2023 21:37

I'd be angry after 3 years, too! He's had plenty of time to have admitted his true age and should have done as soon as possible, not left it 3 bloody years!!!
I would be looking into everything to see what else he had lied about, as you say, it took a lot to keep this lie up!!
I'm not sure I would trust him again, and if that's harsh, then it's harsh!!

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