It’s not the age gap - it’s the LIE!

[theprincessthepea]

I have been seeing my partner for 3 years. I have always known that he is younger than me - by one year and we always joke about it.

However the other day I found out that he is actually 3 years younger. I’m in my very early 30s. He is in his late 20s. We met during covid and celebrated birthdays in bubbles - which is why I thought he was a year younger - because he said. Both of us are not big on birthdays - we just tend to go to a restaurant together and we have separate celebrations with our families (for anyone wondering what happens on birthdays).

The age gap doesn’t bother me. But I have been sooooo upset and angry at him for lying. I’m so annoyed because we are pregnant and I want to give this a go but I’ve lost a level of trust in him.

(for anyone that wants a story - if you don’t skip to the end for the question)
how did I find out: I was chatting about how upset a friend was because she found out her partner was 7 years younger and was ambiguous with age (after 10 months of dating). I made a comment to my partner that I felt he was the same and that I should see his ID. He became weird then after a mini disagreement told me the year he was born followed by “age means nothing”.

Well if it means nothing then why lie about it!!!!!!!

I have tried to see past it but I cannot get over the lie. Looking back he told me he just started uni when he was abit older when I questioned why we weren’t in the same “year group”. I’m wondering what else he has said to keep the lie alive.

If it wasn’t for this pregnancy I would take a break and even leave the relationship. What else is he lying about?

Am I overreacting. In my heart this feels like a red flag on his character and I’m fuming and disappointed.

100% clear perfectly said not harsh at all its the truth.
Well said.👏

Meh, this is a bit odd and I can see why you’d be miffed but I imagine it was just a small lie at the outset that he was never able to correct, then it just got harder. I wouldn’t end the relationship over something like this if it were otherwise good.

It’s nothing like wearing makeup?! Makeup is not lying!

It’s fairly obvious if someone is wearing makeup if you’re close up to them which you would be with a partner.

I don’t wear a huge amount of makeup but anyone who has looked at me carefully would be able to tell I was wearing some. My boyfriend has seen me applying it! And even if he has never I could hazard a guess he can see the reddish blush and apricot eyeshadow on my brown skin and know it’s makeup too. He has also seen me without makeup too - I don’t wear it to sleep!

now if I lied and adamantly denied I was wearing makeup when all along I was, that would be more comparable to her partners lie about his age.

I agree with this. It’s odd how people are downplaying this.

@theprincessthepea you are not overreacting at all. This is a massive red flag, I’ve dated a guy 7 years younger than me. But if I was dating a guy 4 years younger than me and he ended up being 3 years younger than I thought he was I’d be appalled at the deception. my point being it’s not the age that’s the issue it’s the long term deception . When was he ever going to come clean about it? That would really play on my conscience but he seemed happy to keep the lie up.

I get that it must be hard to reveal a lie like that but you should really make it a priority before you are having sex/ getting serious with someone. They deserve to know.

IF the relationship is good - and it must be if you decided to have a child with him - ending it because of your guy being insecure in his mid 20s when he met you - is really childish. And makes me question if you are ready to be a parent.

Op actually didn’t say she was leaving him. She stated she would possibly be IF she wasn’t pregnant.

If it wasn’t for this pregnancy I would take a break and even leave the relationship. What else is he lying about?

Am I overreacting. In my heart this feels like a red flag on his character and I’m fuming and disappointed.

But I agree with the poster who said she would be within her rights to leave him anyway because this is a red flag. I’m in my late 30s get mistake for early 30s and younger. Many men under 35 don’t date women my age. Should I lie to widen up my dating pool? The obvious answer is no, there’s no reasonable excuse for this.

Lie: "present a false imoression". Makeup hides blemishes, accentuates features, makes you more attractive, makes you appear attracteD (blush)... isn't it the very definition of 'lie'?

(I can see this is going to get some backlash! Lol)

Why is a verbal lie a real lie, but a visual lie is somehow 'not'? Why is it any different than dressing up as a police officer?- it is a presentation designed to mislead.

Another example is a (very) fat friend of ours who uses filters to make herself appear slim and attractive. She then meets up with guys (catfishing them) with the justification that this is her at her full potential.

Lying about age is comparable. It is a white lie (I'd actually argue less serious than the above examples) designed to make him appear more attractive. Most women do not date younger men, so this lie made him more attractive (until he was found out)... After his age was revealed, he did not change in ANY way. He was still exactly the same person OP fell for. Makeup, filters etc, once removed, present (sometimes) a completely different physical appearance.

He may have initially lied but by the sounds of it there has been plenty of opportunities to work it out if you have seen it written down on his passport etc.
It was something stupid he said at the time because he liked you and didn't know how to go back on it and as long as he's not lying about other things I'd let it go.
How many people on here can hand on heart never say they lied about their age at some point in there life.
We have probably all done it to go to a night club or a pub before we were 18.

'we are pregnant ' 🙄

I disagree.

If one can lie and lie for 3 years about his age, what else is he lying about? Or what else WILL he be lying about!

If he had said that at the start and then come clean about it a few months down the line - fair enough. But the OP is pregnant. Was he planning to wait until he was registering the birth of the baby with her to let her know??

@C1N1C the difference is that the ‘lie’ has lasted long enough to have a date in RL. The guys haven’t been stringed along for 3 years. They’ve known how she looks in the first few seconds instead and then made a decision on whether they are happy with her appearance or not.

All that to say absolutely what? None of that made sense.

The cat fishing example is way off partly because that would only be an initial lie, once the man meets your “fat” friend for the first date they are aware of her true figure and have a better idea what she looks like.
They then have the choice whether to get to know her more or ditch her. And they deserve to have that choice just like OP should’ve had a choice much earlier than now to continue her relationship or not.

And no just stop, Makeup is NOT a lie to most people with a grain of sense who can tell - unless the makeup you’re wearing is so minimal to make a difference and in that case you’re not really changing your appearance anyway.

Your partner will have seen you WITH and WITHOUT makeup. Plus, most men aged between 18 and 50 know many women wear makeup at least sometimes so they’d know she might look not identical fresh out the shower even from the start . Either way they will find out soon enough.

The key difference is she never knew her partners age. Get it? This is not casual dating for a few weeks, they have been together for YEARS and he still never disclosed it.

It’s like comparing a man wearing a beard to make his jaw look stronger or wearing a top that made his shoulders look broader to a man who opens his mouth to falsely and deliberately misrepresent a fact about himself. It’s not the same.

This is long term ongoing deception.

btw, not everyone looks younger with makeup! Some people even look younger AND better with no or minimal makeup.

I certainly looked older with makeup, hence I started wearing it to work in my late 20s as I hated getting mistaken for a high school kid /6th former when I worked with teens.

@theprincessthepea
I can understand you surprise an disappointment that he felt that age was something to lie about. Has your relationship been any less satisfying because of the age difference? Would you have been happier or your relationship better had he been the same age as you?

If you leave him because of this, are you prepared to tell you child that you left his or her father because he lied about his age his age? I can't imagine any child thinking that was a good enough or valid reason for them not to have had the experience of living in a home with both parents.

Obviously, you were happy enough with his maturity , behavior, etc prior to making this discovery. People in our society often lie about their ages for various reasons, and for the most part it has no significant impact apart from minors lying in order to engage in some unlawful action.

Had he told you his correct age, would you have refused to date him? Has he proven to be untrustworthy in other aspects of your relationship?

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker for you.

..

I might give him a pass on lying at the start of the relationship. But beyond the first time his birthday came around - no. Three years is well beyond acceptable.

I am very much wondering what else you don't know. Like you, I'd consider ending it.

And as you are no doubt about to discover, "we" aren't pregnant. You are.

@loislovesstewie
I too find "we are pregnant" statements a bit off putting.

In the same vein, I once had a nurse say to me " did we have a pain?" I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying "no I had a pain, but I would be happier if it were you having these pains.

@Lostcotter

You're arguing that an extended lie becomes a worse and worse deception... which I get, but this isn't like that. How is this any different than say 'body count'? (I hate that term). Say OP told him she'd been with 5 guys, and then ten years down the line, she said 6. In the grand scheme of things, she's exactly the same person, but she lied to improve his impression of her. Would that be a sackable offence too?

Long-term white lies are common in relationships... your size is perfect for me, you're way better looking than your friend, I love going to see your parents... None of these lies are malicious. Yes, they'd hurt if found out, but they're all done with good intentions. In OP's case, this is another harmless lie simply to get with the girl he loved.

Has he lied about other things that you’re aware of OP? I think that may be more of an indicator of a problematic relationship than just one white lie he hadn’t the courage to correct. Lying is shit and it does destroy trust but only you OP can decide whether his age lie (which is fairly small on the face of things unless he was claiming he was 15 when you met which obviously isn’t the case here) is the deal breaker.

He was a silly, emotionally Immature kid when you met, has he grown and developed with you over time? Is he more mature now?

Initially he may have just wanted to be close to your age so you were more equal and he didn't want to seem like a 'callow youth'. The trouble with white lies is you have to stick to them once said and they get more and more difficult to say, 'actually I'm ...', particularly when you say you have joked about it.

Women and men lie about being younger all the time, lying about being a couple of years older to seem a bit more mature seems pretty trivial in the scheme of things. My GF apparently lied about his age his whole life, initially because he had to lie to join the army as he was really underage.

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen @midnitghtgraveyard @Sashya

I want to say that my parenting skills are not up for debate.

I have been a mum for over 10 years already, have raised an amazing DD (although we have a lifetime to go) - we have a great friendship, she’s doing well in school and guess what…

I raised her alone with the support of family.

Why? Because I spotted early toxic signs from her father, and although we tried to give it a go he became an emotionally abusive and selfish man who showed his true colours over the years (got involved in weird stuff that put us at risk) despite me giving him umpteen opportunities to be a parent. Now that my DD is a teen it’s heartbreaking seeing their relationship but I wouldn’t change being a single parent.

I worked, attended all of her school events, joined the PTA we have our own place. I love being her mum.

Also being a mum is also one of the reasons our relationship (with my current partner) has been so slow and I take red flags very seriously because he will be entering me and my daughters life as well as a newborn.

Like I said in my post - if I was not pregnant I would leave, I don’t have the time.

Because I am carrying his child, I feel that I owe the baby a chance to have a “nuclear” family as he is a decent guy - but this lie has given me insight to a part of his character that I do not like and weary of.

But thank you for your comment @Sashya

I wouldn't be with someone who lied but maybe it was a stupid thing he couldn't come back from?

@theprincessthepea I got married then found out 2 yrs later that my husband was 11 years younger than me! He had told me he was 5 years younger when we first met. I was 39 at the time so 5 yrs didn't feel like a big deal.

@INTERNETEXPL0RER @Alopeciabop we both joke about it and it’s usually banter.

He would joke about be being older - without me provoking anything. I might comment every now and then.

Sorry you had to go through that @Alopeciabop. Although he clearly needed help that is never an excuse to become violent.

You need to look at the intent of the lie. The primary purpose was not to deceive you, the purpose was to keep you! He worried you wouldn't date him. It's a completely forgivable lie.

I don't think I've looked at my husband's birth certificate ever and we've been married 23 years !

so he was actually 28? That would be awful for me - the maximum I date younger than me is 7 years so 11 would be pushing it but it’s the deception that would turn my stomach . What did you do and what reason did he give for the lie?

This and I would dump him for a lie like this - has he got a child somewhere? Debt?