My Boyfriend Attacks My Parenting

[Eightiesgirl84]

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10 months. We are both divorced. I’m 39. He’s 47. His sons are grown up. My daughter is 14.
i live in my own place - haven’t moved in with the boyfriend. I wouldn’t do that especially this soon. I dated him for near 6 months before introducing him to my daughter. With busy work schedules we don’t see as much of one another as we would like but we make it work.
My daughter has had anxiety for a few years - wouldn’t sleep at her friends until recently, hates the dark, worried about everything. Now she’s a teenager it’s way worse. She has low confidence, a bit overweight. Her school attendance is dropping. She’s on a waiting list for a paediatrician for assessing as I suspect she might have adhd but the anxiety is the worst. The school are being supportive. I’m seeing a counsellor to help me tune into my teenager better but my daughter refuses to talk to anyone. I have been told to speak to the local hospital as sometimes there’s a youth mental health worker there. It’s a battle and I know she’s struggling, it’s not an excuse to skip school because I take wifi away so it’s not ‘fun’ being home. She’s not being bullied at school to my knowledge. It’s a decent private school.
Anywsy - my boyfriend keeps getting mad at me because of her missing school and the issues I’m having with her. He doesn’t believe in anxiety and depression in teens and says she’s being a lazy manipulator. In his opinion I’m to blame, a terrible mother because I’m too soft and pampering her instead of saying pull your head in and get to school. He says she’s playing me. He’s telling me she should be with her father fulltime as he will be firm and make her go to school regardless and get out the house and be active and not lazy. Her dad only sees her school holidays when he’s bothered.
My boyfriend has barely spent time with my daughter and doesn’t know what makes her tick. I’m her mother. I do not believe she pretends to be anxious or struggling. She’s not a rebellious child. I truly believe she’s battling.
Im trying to get her help and I don’t believe going to her father is the solution. I’m thinking of ditching the boyfriend as he makes me feel shit as a mother all the time. He doesn’t say anything to my daughter but berating me constantly.
Would others out there be of his opinion regarding my parenting

This is why his extra lectures because I’ve chosen to ditch him to focus on my daughter but he thinks I’m making big mistakes. Her overall well-being would improve if i listened to him and trialled my daughter living with her father a year

Agree with the other posts who mention autism. The anxiety in my niece is why my sister had her tested and she's on the spectrum. Girls are great at masking.

I’ve broken up with him and I agree that I need someone more support
I just hope there’s no truth in what he’s saying that my daughter would benefit from a year with her father to improve her education and general wellbeing

Its a possibility. But he's in no position to judge really is he?

Well done for ending it.

You sound like a loving and attentive mum. I am sure you are doing everything that can be done to help her.

His opinion on sending to dads was for his own convenience, not from a place of concern/help for dd.

Sending her to her dad's doesnt feel like the right thing to me. But if you really think it could help then if dad agrees ask her if she wants to try change of scene. Only if she wanted to go. (I suspect she won't but it might be help if there is a problem at school or if she wants a fresh start).

When I’ve asked her about going to dads, she gets very upset. Even shouting at me NO!! Then asks why don’t I love her, why am I wanting her gone. I told her a year will go by fast but she’s not interested not even for half a year, gets very emotional if I suggest it.
the ex boyfriend felt it would help her having a firm hand from her father and it would give me a break and chance to live a little seems I’ve done this alone for 8 years. I don’t know if he really felt it was a best decision for my daughter or just a chance to have me to himself

I'm not surprised she was upset! Some guy who she doesn't know has told her mum to send her away to live for a year with her dad who she hardly sees!

@Eightiesgirl84

the ex boyfriend felt it would help her having a firm hand from her father and it would give me a break and chance to live a little seems I’ve done this alone for 8 years. I don’t know if he really felt it was a best decision for my daughter or just a chance to have me to himself

Given the vitriol which came your way once you broke your relationship with this man it seems to me he was just very angry that you'd used your judgment instead of his, that he'd resented the time, love and commitment you'd given your daughter. He wanted your energies and attention on him and having your daughter living with your ex-husband instead of with you would have given him that in spades.

Never doubt, especially when things are tough with your daughter, that you are doing the right thing by her.

I do hope things improve for your daughter but at least you won't have this demanding male in your ear trying to control you so you do what he wants. 🌹

I'm very glad you dumped him. Lots of good advice on here.

I work with young people your daughter's age who do not attend school, many because of anxiety. You are doing all the right things. She needs to feel secure, and know that you will stick with her, no matter what. That's the most important thing. Reassure her that you will not send her to her useless father.
The fella you just dumped sounds APPALLING. Wipe him from your memory, you are doing great for your daughter. Hang in there, it will get better as she grows, if you keep reassuring her.

Her father hardly sees her.

His plan is absurd.

His implication that a man would be firm is also misogynist.

Anyone with a tap of sense would know that telling a girl who's anxious and who's been almost entirely lived with her mum, to go and live with her Dad and his partner and step daughters - would make her feel rejected, like an inconvenience, like a problem to be shuffled around and like she's not her mum's priority.

Appalling.

He's an utter dickhead with very poor judgement, but very arrogant.

No empathy or sense whatsoever.

He sounded like he had very immature, controlling and verging on abusive techniques for "communication" and interaction in your personal relationship too.

I grew up with step parents who were not nice to me and my siblings. My parents put our step parents first every time no matter what was going on. Maybe I am too soft but I don’t want my daughter feeling unwanted or second place. Admittedly if she was skipping school sneaking off with boys, drugs, alcohol or any criminal activity - yes she would be at her dad. However in this case, it’s a daughter who is anxious, introverted and depressed. She used to be so full of life and loved learning and not worried about anything. It’s hard seeing her going downhill emotionally and mentally. I definitely don’t want to make it worse and if I sent her to her dad against her wishes - it very well could exacerbate it

When her dad first walked out on us for another woman - he couldn’t care his 6 year old was crying her eyes out at night where’s daddy. He would’nt even call her. He’s had several partners and shown more interest in them and their children than his own daughter. He doesn’t even ask for school reports. Does not help with any medical costs or anything important. If he was invested in her life I’d happily trial her there but in 8 years he’s not shown her to be a priority.

A Dad who sees her so little and a step Mum who apparently hasn't challenged that (not that it's her job to establish a strong relationship when the child's actual father won't, but it goes to show her priorities that she apparently hasn't) and two girls she barely knows ..... , away from her Mum, is not the place for her to go. Not in a million years.

If the Dad and step Mum and sisters want to see more of her and build a closer relationship, and vice versa, they can do that with her living in her home with her Mum.

His eagerness to turf her out to her Dad's suggests he just wants her out of the way, and a cosy, simple, convenient, couple set up for himself. He doesn't gaf about your dd.

Bit of an age gap between you two too (?)

He's probably past all that and just wants the middle aged quiet life with adult kids doing their own thing to a large extent.

You and you did are not at that point, and it's intensely selfish : and immoral actually - that he's trying to create that situation by getting rid of your dd elsewhere.

I share your sentiments. This guy however felt that it’s tough love. It’s not a matter of what my daughter wants but she does as she’s told because she’s the child and it’s a decision to help her. If I allow her to make her own decisions she will go off the rails, I need to see she’s emotionally manipulating me.
I literally feel I’m her safest place. Not meaning I’m a great parent. I stuff up a lot but it’s what she’s used to being with me all her life and what she’s comfortable with

OP first thing well done for finishing it.

I'm a lone parent to a 14DD who has ADHD and ASD.

It is hard to get her out the house at the weekend unless it's for friends because she is exhausted from masking all week. Home is a safe space for her. She is in private school too, the small class sizes and small school size has massively helped her, it's very pastoral care focussed.

The other thing that has helped my DD is the diagnosis. She felt really relieved.

If you do think the anxiety is ND related it might be medication will help.

Will she try something at home with you like from YouTube beginner yoga or something new you can do together?

DD and I joined a gym where they have teen/parent classes and a nice pool.

He knew from day one I have a teenager so should not have pursued me if he wants no baggage. He said it’s not an issue I have a teen, it’s an issue that she’s problematic and it’s because I am a hopeless parent. Maybe I love my daughter but it hasn’t made me a good and sensible mother.

This just further illustrates what a crack pot, idiotic idea this was of his.

Does he know these facts, or does he just not care?

Why would her father even accept her living with him and his partner and step DDS for a year or longer, given his history??
Has he even thought about the fact he'd probably not be willing/interested?

And even if he was (unlikely) .. that it's not remotely in her best interests?

He's full of shit.

No wonder he was single (at a considerably older age than you).

I am waiting for assessment. Taking so long unfortunately. I have suggested many things and asked her to come up with something she would like doing. Sometimes goes to the mall or cinemas with friends but anything recreational where it’s an activity like a sport and is among lots of other teens - she recoils. I’ve suggested her and I joining gym or swimming or even water aerobics or Pilates. Nope. Not interested in anything. Maybe medication would help. I used to take Zoloft and it’s a safe drug. I wish she would agree to a counsellor

He knows all the facts about my childhood and my daughters. Doesn’t seem to care. His dad was firm on him and he was captain of the rugby and the rowing team and started his trade at 17 blah blah. My child has no direction and boundaries so she will never excel.
To be perfectly honest in my opinion - the only reason my ex husband would have his daughter is to get out of child support as he hates paying anything

This is BS - because teenagers are often "problematic".

The chances of a teenager being Ms or young Mr perfect is low. Especially when they have a shit parent in their lives that inflicted trauma on them.

So he either gets into relationships with women who have teenagers, with the full acceptance that many teenagers have issues, challenges, will go through things .....vor he doesn't get into relationships with mothers of teenagers.

What he wants is to get into a relationship with the mother of a teen , and I'm sure he was very happy to get into a relationship with a younger, probably attractive, woman (I'd bet he thinks woman your age are more attractive than women around his own age too, he sounds like that type) but then he wants the teenager to be hassle free; or he thinks they should be shipped off out of their home, elsewhere.

As I said, no wonder he was single at his age.

He needs to get into relationships with women whose kids are grown up, independent adults.

Even then his character and attitudes would no doubt sink a relationship with any self respecting woman.

His dad was firm on him and he was captain of the rugby and the rowing team and started his trade at 17 blah blah.

He couldn't have been very academic if he e started a trade at 17. He didn't even finish high school/secondary school.

What does Captain of the rugby team mean, other than having the right build and physical attributes and being naturally sporty - you might have to do a bit of training but that's nothing to a very young man. It doesn't speak of any hard work, or overcoming any challenges, or being brainy etc.

He's very arrogant, isn't he.

How come this paragon ended up divorced from the mother of his two sons? I bet she'd have a few interesting things to say about him.

He doesn’t want someone his age. He looks years younger than he is and knows it so wants a younger woman to stroke his ego. I’m sure if he could find a hot woman in her 20s he would jump at it