My Boyfriend Attacks My Parenting

[Eightiesgirl84]

I’ve been seeing a guy for 10 months. We are both divorced. I’m 39. He’s 47. His sons are grown up. My daughter is 14.
i live in my own place - haven’t moved in with the boyfriend. I wouldn’t do that especially this soon. I dated him for near 6 months before introducing him to my daughter. With busy work schedules we don’t see as much of one another as we would like but we make it work.
My daughter has had anxiety for a few years - wouldn’t sleep at her friends until recently, hates the dark, worried about everything. Now she’s a teenager it’s way worse. She has low confidence, a bit overweight. Her school attendance is dropping. She’s on a waiting list for a paediatrician for assessing as I suspect she might have adhd but the anxiety is the worst. The school are being supportive. I’m seeing a counsellor to help me tune into my teenager better but my daughter refuses to talk to anyone. I have been told to speak to the local hospital as sometimes there’s a youth mental health worker there. It’s a battle and I know she’s struggling, it’s not an excuse to skip school because I take wifi away so it’s not ‘fun’ being home. She’s not being bullied at school to my knowledge. It’s a decent private school.
Anywsy - my boyfriend keeps getting mad at me because of her missing school and the issues I’m having with her. He doesn’t believe in anxiety and depression in teens and says she’s being a lazy manipulator. In his opinion I’m to blame, a terrible mother because I’m too soft and pampering her instead of saying pull your head in and get to school. He says she’s playing me. He’s telling me she should be with her father fulltime as he will be firm and make her go to school regardless and get out the house and be active and not lazy. Her dad only sees her school holidays when he’s bothered.
My boyfriend has barely spent time with my daughter and doesn’t know what makes her tick. I’m her mother. I do not believe she pretends to be anxious or struggling. She’s not a rebellious child. I truly believe she’s battling.
Im trying to get her help and I don’t believe going to her father is the solution. I’m thinking of ditching the boyfriend as he makes me feel shit as a mother all the time. He doesn’t say anything to my daughter but berating me constantly.
Would others out there be of his opinion regarding my parenting

Ew.

I would bet my bottom dollar this chap's ex did all the actual work of bringing up their kids...

All I wanted was to see if anyone agreed that I’m too soft and pampering as a parent and there’s any truth in what he says

no truth

i know others have suggested this but take a look at neurodiversity
and masking in girls

ive been in this merry go round for too long to not see that ND is a common factor with major anxiety and school refusal x

Gosh, I wonder how it is that such a gem came to be divorced…? 🤔

Bin the bastard.

He does not like mentioning his ex wife. She left him. He says she was a good mother. But he hasn’t admitted his part in the marriage breakdown

Why are you still debating this? The only advice that matters in this thread is to dump him. It’s been 10 months for Christ sake not 10 years. Raise your bar and spend some time with your daughter to help her.

Agree. Who cares what he thinks? Tell him to do one and concentrate on your daughter. He doesn't even know her.

My daughter went through similar issues aa a young teenager. She's 17 now and still has little wobbles but is generally much, much better.

Her attendance dropped to just over 60% when she was 14, I had the attendance/welfare officer round and letters threatening court action, so things got pretty bad.

What I will say, without trying to sound selfish, she had an absolutely awful time but it was extremely hard on me too as a single Mother. I genuinely could bit see any light at the end of the tunnel at one point, it was so awful.

The last thing I would have needed was somebody judging my parenting at the time, I was trying my best to keep it all together. In fact I think that would have sent me over the edge. I would get rid tbh OP, situations like this are hard enough, without him making you feel like shit.

If he thinks your teen is bad I’d love to see what he would say about mine 🤣🤣

she is hell on legs

Hmmmm. Really not hard to figure out why she left him at all. Bet she had years and years of him carping at her from the sidelines about their boys.

I came on though, really just to say you sound like a great mum. Continue to believe in yourself and in your knowledge of your DD. You're doing a great job in a very very heartbreaking and tough situation.

I will do all I can to help my daughter and yes, bin the guy as he’s making me very negative which isn’t helpful as a parent at all

Since he’s such an ass hole why not get your DD to tell him he is dumped 🤣🤣🤣

just kidding

I'm glad you've decided to listen to the great advice here. I just wanted to add that parenting is difficult and it's very easy to blame ourselves when we think we're failing our children. The fact you're questioning your ability to parent, shows you're self aware and that you have emotional intelligence. If you were truly the cause of your daughters anxiety, I doubt very much you'd even notice or care. You're doing the best you can as a single parent and the sooner you dump this man the better.

I was a single parent, so I understand the struggle, especially when kids become teens. My relationship with my daughter was so strained between ages 14-18. I convinced myself she hated me and there was no hope. She's almost 20 now and our relationship is stronger than ever, so don't give up hope. Don't allow this man to drive a wedge between the two of you. I hope your daughter is able to get help for her anxiety and that you're able to get a full diagnosis and hopefully some solutions. As a previous secondary school teacher, it's normal to have some students with low attendance/school refusers. Hopefully the school recognises you're doing your best and they're being supportive in getting help for your daughter. Good luck with it all, it's not easy but it will get easier!

I want my daughter to see I’m with her through her problems. This guy saying throw my hands in the air in defeat and let the other parent deal with it.
If he has this attitude - there’s a high probability he’s not the type to commit to a relationship either. Will just give up on a relationship out of boredom or not having everything go his way

I want my daughter to see I’m with her through her problems. This guy saying throw my hands in the air in defeat and let the other parent deal with it.
If he has this attitude - there’s a high probability he’s not the type to commit to a relationship either. Will just give up on a relationship out of boredom or not having everything go his way

So have you ended it yet OP? Because he's clearly a very negative influence in your life, he's cruel, he's unsupportive, he's judgemental and he's an arsehole about your daughter.

What can we do to help you definitively end the relationship with him asap?

He's got no right to poke his bloody nose in. Get rid, he's a cheeky bastard

@Eightiesgirl84 her Dad is probably a contributory factor in your DDs emotional state. 5-6 weeks a year? Shocking..

I don't think I can add to anything I've already said OP. You've got your hands full, and if neither can support you then tell them to go to hell!

But please dispose of your erm..I don't know what to call him🤔your DD needs you so very much😔

Yes I have spoken to him and ended it. Told him I need to either be single or date someone who is supportive of the fact I’m a single mother and have a child with needs. All he could say is good luck because there won’t be a man out there prepared to put up with the shit and my daughter and I are going to ruin each others lives and I will regret not heeding his advice!!

Good riddance to him! Well done for ending it. 🥂

Ugh. Well he can think what he likes but the only loser here is him!

Well done and good riddance

You'll regret not heeding his advice? A person who believes a teenager can't suffer from anxiety and depression? He clearly has absolutely no idea what he is talking about so his "advice" can, and should, absolutely be completely ignored. He has NO idea what he's talking about!
Best of luck with your daughter, OP.

He says teens nowadays use anxiety and depression as excuses to be lazy and also skip school. My daughter simply needs a firm hand to do as she’s told. Her anxiety is because I don’t force her to school so she’s falling behind and it makes her anxious but also I don’t force her to do sports so she’s fat and it makes her anxious. All my fault. Bad parenting. Send her to her father and she will be made to go to school, get better grades and be active and healthier. How can I not see that that is the best solution for her well-being and future. As to her not wanting to go to her dads - tough, she will probably love it there and thrive and it’s for her best interests and she can return after 12 months. Me holding onto her is just going to make her worse as she’s gone downhill since he first met me and it’s obvious she will continue to spiral.

He berates you and you haven't dumped him? He has no basis to talk about what someone with anxiety is like. He doesn't believe in anxiety. This man does not have your daughter's best interest at heart. He is controlling. Why would you even post this question - he is not someone you want in your life or your daughter's life.

Look a few posts bock - I have ended it