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Original poster

How to get over trauma of online dating

274 replies

Traumaonline · 10/10/2023 16:21

I’ve been online dating for a few years
ended up in 4 or so short term dating and longer term relationships
the guys were lovely to start with but all turned very nasty and selfish towards the
huge commitment phobes, lying, cheating etc

now I’m too petrified to online date again and I’m trying to meet people in real life while taking a break

but im starting to wonder if im too traumatised to even want to be in a relationship anymore

I always had a secure attachment style and I have a professional job with a career and great friends

I know I’m a good, decent person but I’m starting to feel bruised and down

any help/tips?

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 10/10/2023 16:31

You don't sound ready. It would be better for you to take a longer break and recover from the set backs you've had. Only consider dating again when you feel stronger. Go out with friends, pursue other hobbies and activities and take the pressure off for a bit.You will know when you feel ready and may even meet someone nice along the way.

twinklystar23 · 10/10/2023 16:37

A close friend and a close relative were both OLD at the same time. All were pretty much as you also describe. It definitely affected them and would suggest as other poster stepping away and try to recover from this as well as building yourself up again. Might be worth doing the freedom programme to avoid or be able to spot these personality types asap.

Original poster
Traumaonline · 10/10/2023 17:04

I’m actually quite disgusted by how these men behaved
I’m a grown adult and treat people with respect
it’s starting to make me hate men so that’s why I know I need to take some time out

OP posts:
BananaSlug · 10/10/2023 17:21

How long has it been since your last relationship? I agree you don’t sound ready. Also maybe look for red flags in the beginning a lot of women ignore early red flags.

Original poster
Traumaonline · 10/10/2023 17:25

BananaSlug I’m actually so cautious! I thought I was good at spotting the signs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Traumaonline · 10/10/2023 17:26

It’s been 5 months since last short term relationship. If it were just one bloke, fine. But a series of men who don’t know how to behave respectfully is enough to put me off for life. It’s grim out there.

OP posts:
DreamingOfRest · 10/10/2023 17:30

I have no advice but I just wanted to say I find this absolutely shocking! What a sad state of affairs. What kind of age are these men?

Summerhillsquare · 10/10/2023 17:36

Time is a great healer. I recommend a distraction: new job, a project of some sort, a holiday.

Original poster
Traumaonline · 10/10/2023 17:45

DreamingOfRest 40s

OP posts:
Olika · 10/10/2023 17:55

Perhaps you should put your own feelings for a man aside as you liking/fancying them just means you want to meet them again in the beginning, not that you want a relationship with them. Try to concentrate on getting to know them, observe them, ask questions, how do they treat you, do they listening you, do they actually take notice of what you say, do they show that they value you, how do they talk about their plans for their future etc. concentrate on seeing them for who they are.
Don't try to make it work if there are red flags or your gut is telling you something. Don't try to understand this and that.

occhiazzurri · 10/10/2023 18:06

Unfortunately the dating pool you are facing isn’t going to be much better in real life unless you get to know people through work or other social connections such as hobbies, which would allow you to vet them over a longer period. But what you describe is pretty much what my friends have experienced on OLD and also where the IRL encounter was random (ie no social connections) for people in their 40s. OLD is also a prime ground for narcissists who would be attracted by someone like you. Most divorced men in this age group are just after casual sex, which might explain some of the behaviours (ie commitmentphobe).

twinklystar23 · 10/10/2023 18:24

Yes to the wanting casual sex (Not me!) This was the experience of both aforementioned people. One would always ask for a call initially so many would soon try to direct the conversation to sex. However a male relative (older) told me that other men had told him that wanting sex was what most women on OLD were also on there for.
Think it's the relative anonymity that people feel they can behave in ways they wouldn't irl. Additionally irl it would be more likely to meet people through existing social networks so there would likely be knowledge t
Of their previous behaviour (though this can be inaccurate or present its own issues)

Maybe get a dog?!!

Katysara · 10/10/2023 20:12

What have these people done @Traumaonline? Is there a pattern? I'm not disputing it, fully believe. Otherwise maybe divorcees where there don't play the 'crazy ex' card as then there is proof of LTR history.
Why do you think you're secure BTW - out of interest?

AnneKipankitoo · 10/10/2023 20:16

How old are you ?

threecupsofteaminimum · 10/10/2023 22:38

I'm exactly the same. The very few OLD I did yielded the same results.

Gone off men since. Completely, it's been 5 years. I know there are some decent men but my word it's very few, and none of them are online dating.

harerunner · 11/10/2023 07:24

twinklystar23 · 10/10/2023 18:24

Yes to the wanting casual sex (Not me!) This was the experience of both aforementioned people. One would always ask for a call initially so many would soon try to direct the conversation to sex. However a male relative (older) told me that other men had told him that wanting sex was what most women on OLD were also on there for.
Think it's the relative anonymity that people feel they can behave in ways they wouldn't irl. Additionally irl it would be more likely to meet people through existing social networks so there would likely be knowledge t
Of their previous behaviour (though this can be inaccurate or present its own issues)

Maybe get a dog?!!

My male friend on OLD is clear that the vast majority of 40-something women on OLD, well Tinder at least, are looking for proper relationships not casual sex. Almost every profile starts with "not into ONS - don't want FWB" etc... He's been on dates with a dozen so women, and they're all looking for relationships. The idea that women are on OLD for casual sex is wrong it seems, at least for that age group.

Crushed23 · 11/10/2023 07:57

harerunner · 11/10/2023 07:24

My male friend on OLD is clear that the vast majority of 40-something women on OLD, well Tinder at least, are looking for proper relationships not casual sex. Almost every profile starts with "not into ONS - don't want FWB" etc... He's been on dates with a dozen so women, and they're all looking for relationships. The idea that women are on OLD for casual sex is wrong it seems, at least for that age group.

Show quote history

Totally agree with this and would say it’s exactly the same for my age group (30s) too. Women put themselves through the horror of OLD to find a longterm partner and end up on dates with all sorts of awful men because we’re told it’s a ‘numbers game’.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/10/2023 08:03

I’d definitely take a break for starters

realtionships ending can be hurtful and bruising

but saying ‘all men are xxx’ is really disempowering

they simply arnt
but YOU invested time into them

my ex to be fair showed his red flags very early ! And I stuck in hoping he would change
this is also on me

im pausing not because I hate men
but because my boundaries are messed up and I think I need a break to heal and regroup

Original poster
Traumaonline · 11/10/2023 08:21

but YOU invested time into them

healthy bit of victim blaming here

women seem to love to highlight their role in being treated badly and abused

mens shit behaviour is entirely down to them

yes women must exercise caution but it’s down to men really in these situations

online dating is indeed horrific

and mens behaviour generally is self serving and nasty

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/10/2023 08:30

I’m really not victim blaming and sorry if it landed that way

but I don’t like this stance of all men are xxx

im old enough and ugly enough to see that generally all (all !) the tricky men I’ve dated showed their colours early

but I stuck in there , had kids with one !

I’d rather have hope that maybe I’ll meet someone nice versus

all bastards ! Don’t bother !

Mumtime2 · 11/10/2023 08:31

Self serving excalty.
Do your friends know anyone worth dating?

Didimum · 11/10/2023 08:41

Traumaonline · 11/10/2023 08:21

but YOU invested time into them

healthy bit of victim blaming here

women seem to love to highlight their role in being treated badly and abused

mens shit behaviour is entirely down to them

yes women must exercise caution but it’s down to men really in these situations

online dating is indeed horrific

and mens behaviour generally is self serving and nasty

I don’t think she means that, OP. At the end of the day, man or woman, some people in the world are shits and all we can really do is control our responses to them. I would take a hard look at your tolerance to any red flags and how you can best serve yourself in quickly getting out of situations with people that are bad for you.

ActDottie · 11/10/2023 09:08

My advice is to be less proactive in meeting someone. When I met my husband I’d come out of a 2 year relationship and was adamant I was going to play it cool and be single for a bit.

Then I met my husband unexpectedly and 10 years later we’re still together and expecting a baby.

I genuinely think if you focus on other things in your life like career and friendships for a bit it takes the pressure off finding someone and then you find the perfect person unexpectedly.

Starseeking · 11/10/2023 11:21

Online dating is like trying to swim in a cesspit.

I've been doing it for 3 months now, had 8 first dates, all of whom wanted to go on a second date, however I wasn't feeling the connection with any of them.

Other than the 8 dates I mentioned above, I've spoken to hundreds of men, the vast majority who either say upfront they're interested in a casual thing, or pretend they're not then it eventually comes out in conversation.

I'm already jaded OP, so can't imagine how you feel after 4 years.

SamW98 · 11/10/2023 12:22

harerunner · 11/10/2023 07:24

My male friend on OLD is clear that the vast majority of 40-something women on OLD, well Tinder at least, are looking for proper relationships not casual sex. Almost every profile starts with "not into ONS - don't want FWB" etc... He's been on dates with a dozen so women, and they're all looking for relationships. The idea that women are on OLD for casual sex is wrong it seems, at least for that age group.

Show quote history

50+ and it’s same for my age group. Women like me looking to date and get to know someone with a view of it potentially leading to a relationship. And the majority of men wanting to talk dirty within a few days and looking for sex as soon as possible then getting arsey when we state it’s not whet we’re here for.

Thankfully most of them show themselves pretty quickly so get deleted but it’s shocking how many men think commenting on a woman’s body parts as a first message is the way to go.