How to get over trauma of online dating

[Traumaonline]

I’ve been online dating for a few years
ended up in 4 or so short term dating and longer term relationships
the guys were lovely to start with but all turned very nasty and selfish towards the
huge commitment phobes, lying, cheating etc

now I’m too petrified to online date again and I’m trying to meet people in real life while taking a break

but im starting to wonder if im too traumatised to even want to be in a relationship anymore

I always had a secure attachment style and I have a professional job with a career and great friends

I know I’m a good, decent person but I’m starting to feel bruised and down

any help/tips?

@Traumaonline

Thanks for your interesting insights.

You relay a common experience. But the strange thing is many men get no or barely any interest and are very lonely, somehow these men, a good proportion of which would treat a woman like a Queen, don’t get chosen.

Instead the men with good game and / or looks are the guys being selected.

I think women could change the type they select, really by digging deep into their online friend zone and asking ‘how come I ignored this patient nice man’.

These ignored men are right across social media, a gold mine of untapped potential

Thanks for everyone commenting

sorry to read so many bad experiences

i need to heal first - will def take a break

WillGT trust me I’m not going for the best looking guys or ‘bad boys.’ I keep an open mind and carefully screen profiles and engage in plenty of conversation before I meet. I’ve dated plenty of men with no money or looks. Men without careers. Men divorced and never been married. But it hasn’t changed how men treat me. Read women’s experiences on this thread. This is the reality.

There's actually research suggesting that the very good looking guys don't get as much attention as more average types, because women tend to assume the very good looking ones will be players.

I think if a man puts some effort into his dating profile, shows a variety of pics, and is reasonably witty or intelligent or interesting, he'll do okay on OLD. There are a LOT of men who just don't bother - put up a terrible selfie, don't write anything in their profile, or are really negative - and then complain no woman is interested. Well, no. You've got to actually make an effort.

I don't totally relate to the horrible, over-sexualised behaviour that women are talking about on here. I do get those messages from time to time, but I just ignore them. Most of the messages I get are about one of the three interesting things I write about myself in my profile. I do have good pics of myself but I make sure my profile is about my hobbies, activities, personality, and that gives men something to ask me about that isn't to do with my appearance or relationship goals.

I think that having very clear boundaries and knowing exactly what you want helps to filter out the undesirables. For example, if you're looking for a serious relationship, swipe left on anyone who "isn't sure" what they want yet. I swipe left on any man who puts his pronouns in his bio, because he's either a zealot or a fool, imo. Do this according to your goals, and you're left with a much smaller pool of men, but you're more likely to match with someone who is suited to you.

I also think it makes a big difference where you're looking. Every OLD site has its own character. Tinder is grim. Hinge is more serious. Bumble is full of weird needy men (in my experience). But if you're serious about finding a relationship, you need to sign up and pay for eHarmony, Match or similar. The free sites are full of chancers and it's a lot of work to plough through them.

@Traumaonline

Thanks I will read as you suggest but what you recount is the subject of millions of online vids all saying the same thing, but this is in direct contrast to all the evidence of millions of lonely men who get no dates at all, they’re never getting selected.

If you look at a statistician on YouTube called Wheat Waffles, he has loads of stats n evidence as to why the same types of men get most of the attention.

The summary is usually that women sub consciously are drawn to these same guys regardless of whether they even have a job.

So only by taking accountability for your selections can you grown and learn from this.

I do all of what you do beastlyslumber very sensible advice

I am careful and take my time and spot red flags early
but I’ve gone into a few relationships where the guys have turned out to be liars and chancers and that hasn’t revealed until later down the line
and it’s starting to affect me deeply for the first time

One of the PP outlined how dating changes in late 30s and 40s and it’s been my experience completely

These ignored men are right across social media, a gold mine of untapped potential

This is such bullshit. Why should any woman go after an "ignored man" when the reason they're being ignored is because they don't make any effort? That's all it comes down to. They don't make an effort to look nice and put up good pics. They don't write anything interesting in their profile. They don't learn how to flirt and be interesting to a woman.

Women are looking for good men who are motivated and willing to make an effort. There's LOADS of dating advice for men online. Why can't they go and seek some of it out, and realise that the reason they keep getting overlooked is because they aren't bringing anything fun or interesting to the table. Get a haircut, a nice outfit, a decent pic, and get some rizz. Game changer.

Note the EASY POPULAR narrative I could adopt is the typical ‘its not your fault baby, you got this, don’t settle and you have nothing to change about yourself’.

I’m giving a less popular narrative and thus making my experience here less positive but its just my truth

With the greatest respect WillGT and I know you are trying to be helpful, and I really appreciate that, what you are saying doesn’t apply to me

I am careful and take my time and spot red flags early
but I’ve gone into a few relationships where the guys have turned out to be liars and chancers and that hasn’t revealed until later down the line
and it’s starting to affect me deeply for the first time

Ah, I'm sorry to hear that. Some men are very, very convincing liars and fakers. It's difficult if you're looking for a relationship and things seem to be going well - makes it harder to spot the bullshit. And of course it hurts a lot. It sounds like a good idea to take a break and regroup.

I really liked the advice I heard recently to keep a file on all the men you date. Literally, make a voice date or keep a journal where you note down your impressions of the person, how they acted, how you felt being around them. The woman who gave this advice said she realised that the signs were already there from the very first date or interaction.

I'm now super strict about that. I'm not looking for red flags, it's all about how I feel. Do I feel great with this person? Fine. Or, do I feel nervous, awkward, a little unsettled, uneasy, unsure, annoyed, bored etc etc. If I feel anything other than straightforwardly great, then I don't see them again. It's hardcore but it works!

WillGT is the reason why so many women would like to keep MN a predominantly women's space. Spamming a thread about women's experiences of dating with his manly wisdom. Not actually reading or listening to what anyone is saying because he's so convinced he has all the answers - despite the fact that much of the research he talks about is outdated. Feeling free to give his opinion, even though he's married and apparently not dating and all his information comes from youtube videos.

It’s such a shame now given so many women experience slim pickings and yet huge numbers of men report being lonely and sexless.

Yeah - men really do need to step up and be better :)

Somehow the thirsty guys with no or few dates, aren’t seen as rich pickings.

Because, again, women are looking for a relationship, not ONS, not rubbish sex.

This new world is very much more entitled than 60 yrs ago when you might chose from a small pool of locals and make a fist of it.

Don't you mean the entitlement has switched around? Women aren't being forced to settle for mediocre men, and men are struggling with the idea that they'll have to step up and be actual pleasant, reasonable human beings?

Women have stepped up - listen to these women here - mature, accomplished, self-sufficient, and the men's opening lines are 'nice tits' and sending cock shots. It's not entitlement to expect better from a partner.

If you’re expecting a baby and you met your DH 10 years ago, then I am guessing you were quite young when you met him and had a much bigger pool of men to choose from.

I think it’s much harder in your 30s and 40s to unexpectedly meet the right man than it is in your 20s. So there needs to be a degree of proactivity, especially if a woman wants to have a baby.

@WillGT your replies to women on here are the perfect illustration of the type of men who inspire threads like this.

You don’t have a unique perspective nor are you offering us any hard but honest truths - you’re an entitled, likely middle aged man who thinks you deserve time and attention from women you don’t know, because you self proclaim as a good guy.
No man who is actually a ‘good’ guy has ever had to proclaim it for anyone to see it. Ever.

Apps are full of your brethren. And they don’t get interest, not because we go for ‘bad’ boys, but because the entitlement and resentment seeps out of them.

Looks are the least of my criteria when dating and I can tell you that some of the worst people I have ever dated were the more unattractive but ‘nice’ men who dropped the mask pretty quickly to seethe with bitterness that they weren’t getting dates with younger, ‘better’ women and saw me as a poor consolation prize to bide their time.

Does your wife know you are online, gauging the temperature for jumping into online dating before you decide whether you’ll stick around or not?

I don't understand what will is saying

Have you looked at men's profiles online will?

Why would anyone attractive, self sufficient, with standards swipe right on a profile of an unsmiling man, staring down a camera, or holding a fish ,who writes nothing but "ask me" on a profile,

That pretty entitled .

With OLD you have a few pictures and a bio to make an impression. Your basically saying women should do what ? Swipe on the most unattractive because they might be nice ?

You state you are married but looking into dating . Come back when you've actually tried it for a few years .

Excellent post - never a truer word.

Hands down the worst men I have dated have been the less attractive ones who, similar to your experience, I found to be utterly corroded with bitterness. They felt entitled to young, hot women and the anger they felt at their place in the ‘pecking order’ eventually reveals itself and is invariably taken out on you.

Not only were they physically unattractive, they had atrocious personalities. I might get flamed for this, but I think in men there is a strong correlation between conventionally good looks and a genuinely decent personality (not the false ‘nice guy’ persona).

I just wanted to send you a hug OP. I completely understand where you are.

Although I've been in a long term relationship a while, with someone I met through friends I am still haunted by the experience of online dating. One particular encounter was so nasty I sometimes have nightmares about it. There are some nasty, nasty men out there who really hate women. It goes beyond the narcissistic to the just plain cruel.

@capabilityfrowns

Absolutely. I’m not looking for Brad Pitt’s sexier brother and actually I’ve not swiped on very attractive men presuming they won’t be interested anyway.

But yes seems that us women need to lower our not unreasonable standards and give a chance to every sad old man who thinks ‘nice tits love fancy a shag’ is an acceptable way to approach women.

I’ve found the ones who say I’m a really nice guy are usually the ones sending photos in the bath with a few bubbles covering their bollox after 2 days or chatting.

But always nice to have a bit of mansplaining as to where us silly girls are going wrong in finding a partner isn’t it?

Thank you MyLegendaryGirlfriend 🌺

i did years of online dating , I met my husband by luck I think ! There were some seriously disturbed people I went on dates with. Good jobs etc but it wouldn’t surprise me if some are in prison now!
no red flags until the dates, where they came across as disturbed, aggressive.
I actually found the paid sites worse, never met anyone decent on there.

it is like wading through a sewer to find one nice one, where you both have chemistry and the same values and goals.
I did meet nice men but I had no chemistry with them. So they aren’t all bad.
I managed to spot red flags early and not get too far into dating the weird ones.
How far into dating did you spot these issues op? Do you think you are dating narcissistic types, who are wonderful at first but then horrible ?

Urghh.
I dip in and out of the apps periodically. On match at the moment until 1st Nov but doubt I'll renew.
I've put up several pics and a bio.
I get "Hey Sexy" and "How's you?" That's it. No proper conversation. Those two, and a blatant scammer with a cut and paste story as his message.
Likes from guys way older than me (I'm late 40s)
It's a serious waste of time and money.

I gave up OLD as fed up with horrors
I did work out that if a man says he is looking for a woman is affectionate, loving or obviously passionate then all they wanted was casual sex straight away
Ditto those who mention appearance, make up, body etc

Honestly I must have a subliminal message on my OLD profile saying ‘losers please contact me’

I just got this message - I swear this is a copy and paste of exact words

Hi Sam. Thought I’d send you a hello tho don’t know why I’m bothering because you will just not reply like all the other good looking women on here who think that being rude is normal. Prove me wrong

Seriously WTAF????

None of my male family or friends are like that

Wow omg! That's so nasty.

Sure you don't want to follow Mr Man's advice and give him a chance?