Page 5 | How to get over trauma of online dating

Traumaonline · 2023-10-10T15:21:14+00:00

I’ve been online dating for a few years ended up in 4 or so short term dating and longer term relationships the guys were lovely to start with but all turned very nasty and selfish towards the huge commitment phobes, lying, cheating etc now I’m too petrified to online date again and I’m trying to meet people in real life while taking a break but im starting to wonder if im too traumatised to even want to be in a relationship anymore I always had a secure attachment style and I have a professional job with a career and great friends I know I’m a good, decent person but I’m starting to feel bruised and down any help/tips?

bringonyourwreckingball · 13/10/2023 15:46

I had a delightful message from a chap my own age (late 40s) who said he wasn’t interested in a long term thing with me because he wanted a family but he would consider a hook up (presumably whilst waiting for the hordes of younger women to appear). When I failed to respond he then subsequently messaged me to say he had been planning to get me very drunk and essentially rape me.
but hey I’m sure this absolute catch will find someone who wants to settle down with him very soon 🙄
and he was a positive charmer compared with the twat on Tinder who sent me a stream of misogynistic abuse for the crime of having short hair and therefore not being a ‘real’ woman - not that it’s particularly relevant but the reason I have short hair at the moment is that I lost it all whilst having chemotherapy which I have been open about on my profile.

Yettisrus2 · 13/10/2023 15:57

I was once asked if I was actually a woman because I looked different in all my photos. I didn't. All I did was not answer his message straight away because I was cooking dinner.

Over40Overdating · 13/10/2023 16:30

@MoonbeamsGlittering the sites are pretty strict and once you report they tend to move quickly but I think maybe a lot of women don’t report as it’s just part of the expected norm now.

I think paid sites are just as bad - they just wait until they have your number to send the messages, so there’s less a chance of them getting kicked off!

I am sure there are decent men in there it’s just unfortunate they are greatly outnumbered. I think the notion of the internet being limitless has created a disposable, disconnected mindset - always plenty more where that came from.
And when that ceases to be true, there’s a lot of anger and blaming women for going for the ‘bad’ guys not the nice guys and a toxic circle of treating women even worse when one does give them time and attention.

I really enjoyed my first forrays into online dating so it’s not always been this bad. A bit like twitter used to be a great place to chat and learn and come together, it’s now mainly a place for people to spew rage and unhappiness for attention.

I don’t think it’s an age thing either. I have seen the messages young women get from 20 something men and the misogyny is as present.

capabilityfrowns · 13/10/2023 16:32

Oh I forgot the one who asked for photos of my legs and photos in a dress showing my legs , who , when I responded I'm not a fucking race horse, called me a stupid fucking cunt . He was particularly charming.

Oh and the one who sent me a contract to sign , 5O shades of grey style which demanded I stop whatever I was doing and masterbate on demand where ever I was .

Such fun.

Over40Overdating · 13/10/2023 16:58

@capabilityfrowns HOLY MOTHER OF GOD.

I wish I could say I don’t believe you!

I’m sorry you’ve had so many utter bellends waste your time.

MoonbeamsGlittering · 13/10/2023 18:18

@Over40Overdating I too have fond memories of online dating 20 years ago. I can feel nostalgic sometimes, but maybe I'm lucky not to be doing it now. Sometimes when I read these threads I have ideas about people having to pay a deposit or some way of trying to guarantee pleasant behaviour, but I guess there's probably no magic solution. I think it's good that places like Mumsnet exist for support at least.

Newstarterafteryears · 13/10/2023 20:14

I've joined FB dating 3 weeks ago is ok but I was recommended bumble I just logged in and was shocked I pick up 2 guys one reply immediately and ask me only if I'm divorced or single I said separated he blocked me he said not interested. I never was on OLD in my life in 44 but that is shocking behaviours. I don't think I can handle this so not surprised you have enough ....

Tarquina · 13/10/2023 20:22

I turned down one of the men messaged me by explaining that he was not really my type, and he replied saying that as I was "so fat and ugly" he thought I should be more grateful to get any attention!

Tarquina · 13/10/2023 20:27

A point I never see made on threads about OLD is that men are accessing the dating site on the same machine they access porn. They are literally flicking from one window to the other.

The porn sites brainwash them with the lie that young, gorgeous, model-like women are totally up for free, easy, instant sex with absolutely any man whatsoever, and moreover are eager to do whatever a man wants whilst getting nothing in return.

They flick from there, all horny, onto OLD which they think is where they, too, can pick from a wide array of women who are offering themselves up for free, just like on the porn sites.

Is it any wonder they behave as they do on the OLD sites?

Newstarterafteryears · 13/10/2023 20:28

I'm still shocked and don't know if can do it. Is my first 30 minutes on it.

Yettisrus2 · 13/10/2023 20:36

Tarquina · 13/10/2023 20:27

A point I never see made on threads about OLD is that men are accessing the dating site on the same machine they access porn. They are literally flicking from one window to the other.

The porn sites brainwash them with the lie that young, gorgeous, model-like women are totally up for free, easy, instant sex with absolutely any man whatsoever, and moreover are eager to do whatever a man wants whilst getting nothing in return.

They flick from there, all horny, onto OLD which they think is where they, too, can pick from a wide array of women who are offering themselves up for free, just like on the porn sites.

Is it any wonder they behave as they do on the OLD sites?

I matched with a guy with a very respectable job (I could Google and find him so it's true) and he was on OLD for no strings sex and expected the women to go to his. Ironically part of his job is relationship counselling.

IDidntKnowMyOwnStrength · 13/10/2023 20:43

It's a shame but many women find the same.
There are definitely some decent men online and in real life, it just takes time to find them. Stay open to finding someone special, and meanwhile just work on yourself because that will put you in good stead and just try and engage more with people in everyday life.
I work in a supermarket and had a lovely genuine conversation with a male customer today, and when you cross paths with kind decent people like that it does restore your faith. Don't close yourself off because of the men you met previously, they are showing you what you don't want.

Newstarterafteryears · 13/10/2023 20:47

IDidntKnowMyOwnStrength · 13/10/2023 20:43

It's a shame but many women find the same.
There are definitely some decent men online and in real life, it just takes time to find them. Stay open to finding someone special, and meanwhile just work on yourself because that will put you in good stead and just try and engage more with people in everyday life.
I work in a supermarket and had a lovely genuine conversation with a male customer today, and when you cross paths with kind decent people like that it does restore your faith. Don't close yourself off because of the men you met previously, they are showing you what you don't want.

True 😀

Shimla999 · 13/10/2023 21:01

Over40Overdating · 13/10/2023 16:30

@MoonbeamsGlittering the sites are pretty strict and once you report they tend to move quickly but I think maybe a lot of women don’t report as it’s just part of the expected norm now.

I think paid sites are just as bad - they just wait until they have your number to send the messages, so there’s less a chance of them getting kicked off!

I am sure there are decent men in there it’s just unfortunate they are greatly outnumbered. I think the notion of the internet being limitless has created a disposable, disconnected mindset - always plenty more where that came from.
And when that ceases to be true, there’s a lot of anger and blaming women for going for the ‘bad’ guys not the nice guys and a toxic circle of treating women even worse when one does give them time and attention.

I really enjoyed my first forrays into online dating so it’s not always been this bad. A bit like twitter used to be a great place to chat and learn and come together, it’s now mainly a place for people to spew rage and unhappiness for attention.

I don’t think it’s an age thing either. I have seen the messages young women get from 20 something men and the misogyny is as present.

I am amazed at the terrible experiences some of you have had. It's pretty scary really. I have used one of the sites - Ourtime - a couple of times. I'm 60 and am mainly contacted by men 55+. Last year I met a guy my age on the site and we went on quite a few dates - as friends - and we are still friends now even though he is dating someone else. I met up with another guy (a bit older than me) the other week and he seemed to be a lovely person, but there was no real attraction. However, what has happened to me 3 times is that a guy has written to me and we have chatted on the site for a while and then exchanged numbers to write on WhatsApp. Soon after that (the same day or the following) their profile has disappeared from the site. One of them told me he was going to remove it as he had had enough after being on the site for 3 days! So, do you think this might be because they have been reported? They haven't been unpleasant or said anything really weird - but it makes me suspicious now.

Newstarterafteryears · 13/10/2023 21:33

I generally thin men 50 + and in 20 s behave better than in 30s 40 s

ClareBlue · 13/10/2023 21:35

Tarquina · 13/10/2023 20:27

A point I never see made on threads about OLD is that men are accessing the dating site on the same machine they access porn. They are literally flicking from one window to the other.

The porn sites brainwash them with the lie that young, gorgeous, model-like women are totally up for free, easy, instant sex with absolutely any man whatsoever, and moreover are eager to do whatever a man wants whilst getting nothing in return.

They flick from there, all horny, onto OLD which they think is where they, too, can pick from a wide array of women who are offering themselves up for free, just like on the porn sites.

Is it any wonder they behave as they do on the OLD sites?

Yes, I think this is so true. Add the fact there are no consequences for a vile response when they get rejected plus a never ending list of women to move onto and we have the situation we have. Dating used to be through friends, family, work and social activities and it you behaved like this it became quickly known by your friends and colleagues what sort of person your were.
The PP who said that these men's female relatives would be astounded by their behaviour is so right too.

Tarquina · 13/10/2023 21:46

@Yettisrus2

Your remark about respectable jobs reminded me, one man I actually met in person (years ago) because he seemed so respectable was the chief financial officer of an entire city council.

He was still a sleazebag in private life.

And that reminds me that a former partner with whom I lived for five years, who cheated on me with both a teenage boy AND a woman he kept secret for weeks, lying to me constantly to hide it, is now the chief executive of children's services for a county council. A man can be good at his job and still a slapper and a cheat in private life.

Newstarterafteryears · 13/10/2023 22:15

I had similar experiences with family friend I knew for years and like it. Respected man who tried to seduce me after that disappear.

Over40Overdating · 13/10/2023 22:26

@Tarquina you make a really good and important point. I suspect this is at the root of so much of the behaviour and the subsequent anger when the hot young things are responding and the ‘consolation’ women aren’t grateful.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 14/10/2023 09:20

Tarquina

agree and I’ve commented this also

pornhub isn’t helping anyone
well , it’s a free wank bank I guess

YouJustDoYou · 14/10/2023 09:22

I would never online date. Heck, I probably wouldn't even date men I knew, unless I'd known them a very long time. I'd just get more cats.

Want2breakfree · 14/10/2023 10:59

Shimla999 · 13/10/2023 21:01

I am amazed at the terrible experiences some of you have had. It's pretty scary really. I have used one of the sites - Ourtime - a couple of times. I'm 60 and am mainly contacted by men 55+. Last year I met a guy my age on the site and we went on quite a few dates - as friends - and we are still friends now even though he is dating someone else. I met up with another guy (a bit older than me) the other week and he seemed to be a lovely person, but there was no real attraction. However, what has happened to me 3 times is that a guy has written to me and we have chatted on the site for a while and then exchanged numbers to write on WhatsApp. Soon after that (the same day or the following) their profile has disappeared from the site. One of them told me he was going to remove it as he had had enough after being on the site for 3 days! So, do you think this might be because they have been reported? They haven't been unpleasant or said anything really weird - but it makes me suspicious now.

Show quote history

If I were to have my cynical head on I'd say it's because they are probably married/in a relationship. Now they have you on WhatsApp they are getting off the site ASAP to avoid getting spotted.

I'm now in a LTR but historic OLD has definitely left scars and made me more suspicious. I think before I tried OLD I was pretty naive about men and took them at face value. Through OLD I met some truly awful men. I also think this on-line world makes many men unwilling to properly commit. There is always the possibility of something "better" at the tips of their fingers.

The Will guy on this thread is probably already on OLD trying to set up a new relationship before dumping his poor, presumably unsuspecting wife. He would be far better working on his marriage or ending it if he is truly unhappy, then spending time to get himself to a good place BEFORE entering the world of OLD. My experience is many men jump from one relationship straight into another by being unfaithful throughout or at the end of a relationship. They don't give themselves chance to reflect on what went wrong and instead mask it with the high of a new relationship.

beastlyslumber · 14/10/2023 11:02

I do see what women are saying here, and I've definitely had some bad experiences with men on OLD. But I've also met some really lovely men who were kind, respectful, friendly, sane and interesting. Some of them I'm still in touch with. Most of them I went on a couple of dates with or had a brief fling and then moved on as circumstances changed. A couple of them were looking for something more serious and long term than I was, so it didn't work for that reason.

Maybe I've just been lucky? I've had my share of idiots and creeps for sure. But the ones who are left when the shitty ones are filtered out are great.

If I knew why my experience is different, I'd be happy to share. Maybe it's just luck, though.

Muddle2000 · 14/10/2023 11:19

I know 2 decent people one man and one girl who did get a suitable match but it took a few years You have to approach it like meeting someone on a street and spend a good while getting to know them

Original poster

Traumaonline · 14/10/2023 12:28

I know many couples who met online and are now married - but from before the pandemic

These days it seems rather pointless

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