Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I put most of parents' gift into mortgage? Husband thinks so.

175 replies

Bluebellwell · 04/10/2023 22:47

I was hoping for some advice here as I don't know if I'm being reasonable.

My husband and I bought a house several months ago. We put equal amounts into the deposit.

He earns a lot more than me, and pays towards the mortgage and bills proportionately to his income. He has a few grand spare each month, which he keeps in his own account. I have a far smaller amount spare each month.

My parents have recently gifted me £200k. I have said I will put £100k into the mortgage, and I'll keep the other £100k as savings in my name at the moment, but have said I will put it into the mortgage in the future, or draw on it if one of us loses our job (meanwhile it will build up interest).

My husband is really annoyed at this and says it's damaging to the marriage that I'm not putting more of the gift into the mortgage. He thinks I should put in £180k and keep £20k so I have at least some savings.

Is my approach reasonable?

OP posts:
SamW98 · 04/10/2023 22:51

It’s a gift to you and so whatever you wavy to do with the money is your decision.

I think you are being perfectly reasonable and your husband is the one damaging the marriage by telling you what to do with your money.

Theluggagerules · 04/10/2023 22:53

Do you even know what he has in savings in his name? I think you are right to keep however much you want in savings, in your name. Nobody wants to think about it but if something did go wrong then you may need it. If it was an inheritance then it would all be your, he should be happy he gets the benefit of your parents gift at all.
Or you could tell him they've changed their minds and are only giving you 100k. Depends how much.of a fight you want

griegwithhimandhim · 04/10/2023 22:56

Well he's a hypocrite.

onestepfromgrace · 04/10/2023 22:58

So he wants to keep his extra money and use your money?

Not fair at all. I don’t understand couples who have an uneven amount after bills.

Keep it all and tell him you will match his mortgage contribution, if he puts more in every month then so will you.

AirportAssassin · 04/10/2023 23:00

Depending on what rate you got and when your payment term ends you are almost definitely better off putting it into savings until it's time to remortgage

NoIcePlease · 04/10/2023 23:01

He has a few grand spare each month, which he keeps in his own account

Personally I struggle to understand marriages where money isn't shared fully...but there you go, clearly some people don't.

As you don't share money though...it's your sole lump sum, not both of yours and I'd be making that clear to him.

I wouldn't be paying in any lump sum automatically. I'd ask him if he has a lump sum available from his 'few grand spare' each month and then you can both pay in equal amounts.

StorminanDcup · 04/10/2023 23:03

No you shouldn’t put all of it into the mortgage.

Firstly in this economy it makes sense to have a bigger cash reserve / savings to fall back on.

secondly as you earn a much lower amount and don’t have as much disposable income that probably means you don’t have the same level of savings as he does - so I think you need honest conversation about that before doing anything.

Ultimately it has been gifted to you so you should be able to say what you’re comfortable doing with it - he might be entitled to an opinion but he shouldn’t be getting angry and pissy over it.

Personally I’d match what he’s put into the mortgage then I’d ask my parents to keep the rest for me and not bring it into the marriage 🤷‍♀️

backinthestoneage · 04/10/2023 23:03

Or just say I will match what you put in up to £100k to 150k.

He is racking up a savings pot so why is he being shirty about a gift given to you by your parents?

AutumnAuntie · 04/10/2023 23:04

I would suggest some sort of matching, so if he overpays the mortgage using his spare thousands a month then you’ll do the same.

minieggsandmaltesers · 04/10/2023 23:05

Two points.

  1. Check your mortgage rate. If it's lower than what you can get in a long term savings account then you may well be better off putting it aside in savings. You'd have to pay tax on the interest though, and that could be a fair bit. A spreadsheet would tell you which option is better (off mortgage or in savings)

  2. It is all the same pot if you ever get divorced. No difference if it's paid off the mortgage or savings in your name. You might have an argument for ring fencing it but it's certainly not a given

2jacqi · 04/10/2023 23:06

if you do not have joint money as in what is mine is yours then dont do that!! he must have a few grand spare by now to also put into the mortgage! he really needs to keep putting extra in until he has paid what you have paid because if you split up he could claim half of the equity. the alternative would be to have a solicitor to draw up a document stating that you get the first one hundred of profit before any division!

TrailingLoellia · 04/10/2023 23:09

I’d only put any of it into the mortgage if it were ring fenced as that is a substantial amount. You can have a solicitor draw up the paperwork.

Instead of savings, because you’ve been the lower earner, I would look into a private pension for your retirement. You are likely to outlive your DH and will need more money than he does to fund your old age.

Morewineplease10 · 04/10/2023 23:10

He is taking the piss!

I'd ring-fence any amount you put in - I didn't do this and now my stbexh wants half of it - and legally has a claim.

See if you can get it ring fenced without him knowing.

Either way definitely keep some out of the mortgage.

Cheeky fucker...

mathanxiety · 04/10/2023 23:11

DO NOT do what your husband is urging you to do. The end result would be that you would lose it all in the event the house had to be sold at a disadvantage. The best case scenario is that your H benefits greatly from having the mortgage paid down while he also gets to keep the extra from his larger income, purely for himself.

Put your money away in savings or investments, ringfenced for you alone.

Make a will.

Your H is a shameless grabber.

mathanxiety · 04/10/2023 23:12

YY to a private pension for you.

I am not surprised your CF husband hasn't suggested this.

YankeeDad · 04/10/2023 23:13

His saying that you are damaging the marriage by refusing to effectively give half of your money to him, while he is at the same time not giving half of his money to you, is horseshit. That inconsistency and entitlement on his part is potentially damaging to the marriage.

Also, your overall joint finances might potentially benefit by having him start to transfer some of that extra savings into your name, or at least into a joint investment account, so that depending on circumstances you could use your ISA allowance, top up your pension, and/or at have some of the investment income and gains taxed at your marginal tax rate if it is lower than his marginal tax rate.

Towerofsong · 04/10/2023 23:14

Can you have your parents put the money into a trust for you instead?

mummy21blueeyed · 04/10/2023 23:15

Do not do it and do what ever the hell you want with it… if he has a few grand spare a month why isn’t he putting more into the mortgage himself. Not very often you get £200k to do something with so I suggest you do what you want treat yourself Invest in yourself and also if you are putting something in please see someone legal about draawinf something up so if you do divorce it has been made aware that you made the lump sum. He shouldn’t get to tell you what to do and don’t let him. Please don’t do it stand your ground. I wouldn’t of even put the £100k in unless he also had £100k to go in at the same time.

HerMammy · 04/10/2023 23:17

How much deposit did he put in? perhaps make your share of deposit equal to his and put that towards mortgage? Tbh he's got a cheek when he keeps £1000s to himself, should he not put that to the mortgage ??

KevinTurveyIsMissed · 04/10/2023 23:18

griegwithhimandhim · 04/10/2023 22:56

Well he's a hypocrite.

How so? He’s been paying more than 50% when he was earning more, so should OP not do the same now that she has the extra?

SayNoToDoorToDoor · 04/10/2023 23:21

Look at your pension first and top that up especially if your pension is much less than his. That way you’re financially covered for the future.

Codlingmoths · 04/10/2023 23:23

Wow I’d be pissed off! I’d now keep it all out of the mortgage and ask him how much extra he has each month and tell him I’m using the money to pay myself an equivalent extra each month. If he wants to talk about both of you contributing more then you’re happy to have that discussion but while money is separate and he has lots more he can fuck right off with his what’s mine is mine and what’s yours is ours mindset.
you need to clear this up before considering having children. You should not be skint while home with a baby because you’re only birthing and caring fora baby not birthing and caring for a baby AND bringing in an income like the baby doesn’t exist. The line to take is if you think someone can keep contributing financially the same as before while also having and taking time off work to look after our baby, then you do it. Men don’t get babies and readymade families for free while women burn through their savings and their health while not spending a penny on themselves because they are skint.

Mummybud · 04/10/2023 23:37

Are you on a fixed rate? If so you’ll probably only be able to overpay by 10% a year. Assuming you don’t owe more than £1m, just pay whatever you want off the mortgage (under the 10% limit) and put the rest into savings. The idea that you should only keep £20k for yourself is ridiculous.

Mummybud · 04/10/2023 23:40

Also - what do your parents want you to do with the money?

If you don’t have kids yet and think you might, keep a massive chunk in savings. Maternity pay can be a bit rubbish and you’ll want the cushion.

novocaine4thesoul · 04/10/2023 23:41

You are reasonable. Some couples "throw it all in" when they marry. What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine forever - however our fortunes turn out. We did this 28 years ago. There were risks on both sides, and probably inequalities too. Has made life simple in many respects but there has to be a deep level of trust. Others are more measured, and I totally get why, even if they love each other. I think "contribution based systems" work for loads of people as long as they fairly reflect everything not just money. The range of fairness is complicated and unique to every couple, but based on agreement. But I don't think it is fair to change the rules halfway through the game, nor have your cake and eat it. Having thought about your dilemma, I wonder if there may not be a way through this though, so both of you benefit, whilst you protect the money that is yours as a gift from your parents. I am thinking about whether you can put a charge on the property, so that if it has to be sold in the future, you get the first £200k out (your big contribution, could be £100k, or whatever). This way your mortgage contributions will massively decrease (your kindness to you both - and he will benefit even more as he can isolate even more of his earnings !) but you are not just giving someone else half of your windfall. I am sure someone will be along to tell me that it won't work, but just my thoughts. Have you asked your mum and dad what they think? (I know gifts should not come with strings attached, but maybe worth talking).