Should I put most of parents' gift into mortgage? Husband thinks so.

[Bluebellwell]

I was hoping for some advice here as I don't know if I'm being reasonable.

My husband and I bought a house several months ago. We put equal amounts into the deposit.

He earns a lot more than me, and pays towards the mortgage and bills proportionately to his income. He has a few grand spare each month, which he keeps in his own account. I have a far smaller amount spare each month.

My parents have recently gifted me £200k. I have said I will put £100k into the mortgage, and I'll keep the other £100k as savings in my name at the moment, but have said I will put it into the mortgage in the future, or draw on it if one of us loses our job (meanwhile it will build up interest).

My husband is really annoyed at this and says it's damaging to the marriage that I'm not putting more of the gift into the mortgage. He thinks I should put in £180k and keep £20k so I have at least some savings.

Is my approach reasonable?

Agree what others have said get your parents to do a trust fund for you in your name only and do not be bullied by this man at all. Get some legal advise before you do anything but there is some great advise on here.

I would tell him that as this gift is already causing arguments and unhappiness, you are going to tell you parents you don't want it anymore, see what he says.

I would then tell my parents what has happened and ask them to hold onto it for now whilst you contemplate your future.

@Bluebellwell

His 'threat' to reduce his contribution if you don't pony up might be considered coercive control. IMHO at the least it's marital extortion and certainly would NOT sit well with me at all!!!

I agree with PPs that I'd be asking my parents to put the money into a revokable trust for you with them as trustees and your children as beneficiaries if 'something should happen'.

And I'd be letting them know exactly why! This kind of behaviour shouldn't be hidden. If he can behave like this, then he needs to be able to own it! And if he thinks he's so righteous, he'll be more than happy for you to tell your parents.

Nothing worse than a partner who doesn't contribute to family finances.

LTB.

Fuck that quite honestly. Any partner that dictates what the other dies with money that isn’t theirs is not to be trusted in my opinion.

What can you do to address the disparity in your earnings? If I were you I'd put some of into addressing that and upskill or retrain. Then he won't be largely supporting you before you have kids (you've not mentioned them so I'm assuming there aren't any yet). It feels a bit like you might be biding time until you can be a SAHM. Of course I might be wildly out of line.

He’s a hyprocritical man-baby, who refuses to value your time equally.

What’s damaging to your marriage is not having joint finances.

All incomes into a single joint account, all bills out and a few hundred each a month (equal amount) for spends and the rest into joint savings.

What will you do when you go on maternity leace, he won’t pay for everything and you have put all your money into the mortgage to reduce his mortgage payments?

Or god forbid that you have an accident and can’t work or lose your job and can’t find another one…

I remember my sister having to scrounge money off my mother for a dummy as her financially abusive husband wouldn’t let her have access to any money.

You are lining yourself up for a nasty future if you don’t sort this now before it is too late.

What AcrossThePond has same is a brilliant answer and yes talk to your parents and tell them how he is acting and about his own savings and not a joint family pot.

Do not have children with this man until the finances issue is sorted or you will be so vulnerable.
Be open with your parents and ask them to put in a trust for you and have a good long hard think about your husbands behavior around money and trying to force you to do something.

I would want to know every penny he has in savings, and full transparency before I would countenance putting a portion of this money into the mortgage.

,@BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants
You are advising an adult to " tell in het husband to her parents? "

Her husband obviously thought of her when he brought the same amount of deposit to the table and assumed the lions share of the mortgage.

The OP now has resources, and it is more than reasonable that should increase her contribution to the mortgage. If they were to divorce the OP would be advised on this forum to seek half of the equity in the house, but you think it is reasonable than her money should not go towards the mortgage?

She is nor a child and it is not the husband's responsibility to see that her savings equal his savings. The solution to that disparity is for the OP to seek a higher paying job even if that means getting more training or additional education.

She is not a dependent child who is reliant upon daddy to provide a larger allowance.. If a man and a woman. want a certain life style they should both be equally committed to financing that lifestyle. It should not be up to one partner to do the financial heavy lifting and the other to object to having to make some sacrifices to achieve their mutual goals.

Please, don't do anything until you've sought legal advice!

Ah, money. One of the leading causes of divorce. That said, get that money out of your name NOW. I would suggest parents hang on to it, or it’s with a trusted friend.

When married, all assets are shared but his response is pure greed. £100k is a life changing amount for a lot of people, but he’s not content with that. £100k off the mortgage is a huge benefit to him.

Tell him that as you can’t agree and because of the rift it’s causing you’ve decided to give the money back. You value your marriage more than the money, even if he doesn’t.

@CuppaCoffeeandCake
The OP's husband didn't take his pennies and run when facing a partner who was not equipped to pay her equal share of the mortgage payment for a house that I would assume that they both wanted to support a lifestyle that they both wanted. He stepped up and agreed to pay the lions share of the mortgage.

When the OP finally has additional resources rather than stepping up to pay more of the mortgage she is being advised to find ways to shield those resources from the family coffers.

In many marriages there are Imbalances in income, but it is really sad when the person paying less tries to shield their additional resources . They want the lifestyle, but they want it to be mostly paid for with the partner's resources.

Interesting that responses here are slightly different to the other thread where OP's husband is trying to hide his inheritance!

@Mari9999 absolutely disagree. OP has paid an equal share, she has clearly said they pay what is proportionate to what they earn. That is equal (equal does NOT mean the same).

Throwing his toys out of the pram because OP “ONLY” wants to pay £100k off their mortgage with money that was never expected i.e. a nice extra, is pure greed. He’s quick to want to have his “buffer” of savings but dictates how much OP is allowed to save. That is just controlling and frankly messed up.

It’s simple really. He gets over himself or he’s not allowed to save more than the same amount as her (I.e. 20k) if you deem equal as the same. Any person worth their salt would not find a way of having a problem with their spouse ONLY putting an unexpected £100k of equity into their SHARED property.

If she keeps it in savings and they split, it would go into the shared “pot” of marital assets anyway, but OP’s husband isn’t happy enough with this, so I’d ask myself why? He clearly doesn’t like her having her own money, maybe this makes him insecure but he’s acting like an ungrateful and entitled child regardless.

Putting £200k into a decent interest paying account means you could easily get £12,000 a year.
Use the interest to help pay your mortgage early ,and keep you lump sum inheritance.

How is it different? In both cases I saw no one who thought the NVDH should not have some of the money but you are comparing apples to oranges. In that case, the NVDH contributes almost nothing to the marriage except approx. 600 pounds a month because, supposedly, his business makes next to nothing? A business that is years old? Then he tells the solicitor to hide the money from the DW.
In this case, the OP is willing to put 100K pounds towards the mortgage and then keep the rest in her name for things that may arise. At no time did she say she was buying 10 Louis Vuitton bags and NVDH can slag off. She IS entitled to have some money in her name. In case of a divorce, the NVDH could hide his money and leave OP hanging in the wind.

The misogyny on this board is amazing. Men who make more money, often because they are MEN, not because they are more qualified, tell the little woman to give him all the money for his use and the little woman is supposed to just say "Yes sir".

I think some of it is jealousy from women who have little themselves so they want to bring everyone else down to their level.

That would be a good use of it. It could also be used for home improvements, a vehicle, a holiday, etc. And some for her to use, since her NVDH has whatever he wants, whenever he wants it.

If he is going to be so jealous that she might have some money now in her name and will no longer be under his thumb, I think you have the best solution.

Let the parents put it into a trust for OP and NVDH can have nothing since half wasn't good enough for him.

Notice how he shares no financial information with her? Amount he has in savings, etc. Better for him to control OP and be able to hide his money if he decides to do so.

Reading some of these replies I can tell "The Handmaidens" are on break and they've all come here.

I would be telling him to do one

if he is that concerned then he can overpay the mortgage from his thousands of excess funds each month,

Write down how much you have spare each month and how much he has, so he can see in black and white

put the £100 k in and keep the rest

my guess is you will need it one day

Two things needing discussing here, one easier than the other.

RE: Husband demanding £200k into mortgage.
On one hand your monthly earnings and outgoings are shared proportionately - as is the spare money after bills.
Yet your husband is demanding all the money is put into the mortgage.
He wants his monthly savings and monthly spare cash to himself, but is happy for you to have less monthly savings and less monthly spare cash and no gift from your parents to yourself.
Proper double standards and hypocrisy.
IF the current arrangement of finances was 'all in one pot' I might get what he is suggesting - but you both chose (something he is MORE than happy with) based on earnings ratio.

Second issue is what to do with the inheritance money.
I suggest you get professional advice - a pension is a huge 'win' to put some money in with the tax breaks you will get adding further to the money, having a few £ of savings 'in case' is a great idea, enjoying some of the money (in a way YOU want to) is a good idea, and paying down the mortgage is also a good thing to do. With good advice you could end up with all of the above within various tax limits and 'best' bang for buck, to real benefit of yourself now and in the future.

I'd be tempted to put in whatever amount you are able to overpay by on your mortgage without incurring any fees (probably around 10%).

Then tell him once he's got to his buffer amount, and you see him contributing more to the mortgage, then you'll top up again the following year.

That you'll not be doing more than that, because you also need a "buffer", that you've not been able to save because you pay a higher % of your income towards the family costs.

Thank you everyone. There's lots of good advice on these posts.

I actually showed this thread to him, because he thought I was being unreasonable.

We are on a tracker rate mortgage at the moment, and can overpay at any time without any fees.

I'm enjoying the acronym 'NVDH'.

What was his feedback about what he read?

Mari999 calm down you sound stressed. The difference is he has not or will not tell her what he has in his own savings account but yet dictates to her about how much she is allowed to keep for her savings. She has offered to pay in 100 to the mortgage and that is more than reasonable. Anyway we are all entitled to our opinions but you seem to be in the minority. I suggest you read what the op said to clarify about him being a greedy controlling man.