Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I put most of parents' gift into mortgage? Husband thinks so.

175 replies

Bluebellwell · 04/10/2023 22:47

I was hoping for some advice here as I don't know if I'm being reasonable.

My husband and I bought a house several months ago. We put equal amounts into the deposit.

He earns a lot more than me, and pays towards the mortgage and bills proportionately to his income. He has a few grand spare each month, which he keeps in his own account. I have a far smaller amount spare each month.

My parents have recently gifted me £200k. I have said I will put £100k into the mortgage, and I'll keep the other £100k as savings in my name at the moment, but have said I will put it into the mortgage in the future, or draw on it if one of us loses our job (meanwhile it will build up interest).

My husband is really annoyed at this and says it's damaging to the marriage that I'm not putting more of the gift into the mortgage. He thinks I should put in £180k and keep £20k so I have at least some savings.

Is my approach reasonable?

OP posts:
SunRainStorm · 05/10/2023 03:50

Bluebellwell · 05/10/2023 03:13

Thanks so much everyone for all the advice - it's much appreciated.

I had asked him if he would put any of his extra few grand each month into a joint savings account, but he doesn't want to because he wants to build up a 'buffer' after putting all his savings into the deposit.

He puts £2.7k more than me in each month for the mortgage and bills. I don't like to think in terms of him 'paying me back', because we're married. But if he were to 'pay back' my extra £100k, that would take him 3 years.

He is saying that if I don't put a greater share of the £200k into the mortgage now, that will jeopardize the arrangement we have where he's paying for mortgage/bills proportionally to his salary.

Prick.

Tell your parents to hold onto the money for now.

Divorce him, then they can give it to you.

Selfish entitled grabby behaviour.

coffy11 · 05/10/2023 03:54

Why wouldn't you both put all of your savings and the gift into the mortgage to pay it off? Isn't that what a marriage is about? If you break up everything gets added up and divided anyway doesn't it? I'm not from the UK so maybe it's different there.

MentholLoad · 05/10/2023 03:58

um, leave him and use £100k as a deposit for a house for yourself and keep £100k as savings?

aloris · 05/10/2023 04:00

"He is saying that if I don't put a greater share of the £200k into the mortgage now, that will jeopardize the arrangement we have where he's paying for mortgage/bills proportionally to his salary."

Yeeeaaaaahhhhhh, what he means is that if you don't do what he says, then he will take a situation where he is already misusing his greater financial power over you, and he will misuse it even more. He's essentially threatening to engage in a standoff against you, where he puts the mortgage (hence your homeownership) in jeopardy by refusing to pay a share proportional to his salary, unless you give him all your money.

You can't trust this man, sorry. He doesn't see you as an equal partner but as a pet that he is generously taking care of until he decides to stop which might happen if you disobey him.

SunRainStorm · 05/10/2023 04:02

Financial lens: are you paying more in interest on the mortgage than you would be earning in interest in the savings account?

I don't know about the legalities but could you enter into a post-nup arrangement for your chunk of money - which ring fences it as yours (adjusted for inflation or the value of the house or whatever you agree) in the event of a split?

If his concern is shortening the mortgage and reducing the interest paid over time, then that should satisfy him.

If his concern is wanting a claim on money from your parents - then it won't.

IMO there is a big difference between paying proportionally to your salaries, and accessing a lump sum from your spouses family. That money was a gift from your parents to their child. It's yours.

truthhurts23 · 05/10/2023 04:05

Beware of jealous men

mathanxiety · 05/10/2023 04:14

Bluebellwell · 05/10/2023 03:13

Thanks so much everyone for all the advice - it's much appreciated.

I had asked him if he would put any of his extra few grand each month into a joint savings account, but he doesn't want to because he wants to build up a 'buffer' after putting all his savings into the deposit.

He puts £2.7k more than me in each month for the mortgage and bills. I don't like to think in terms of him 'paying me back', because we're married. But if he were to 'pay back' my extra £100k, that would take him 3 years.

He is saying that if I don't put a greater share of the £200k into the mortgage now, that will jeopardize the arrangement we have where he's paying for mortgage/bills proportionally to his salary.

He is implying that the current proportional contribution is unfair.

But he has given no thought whatsoever to the basic economics you are facing - with a lower income, you don't have the pension prospect that he does or the ability to sock away the money that he does every month for whatever purpose he fancies he needs it for.

He doesn't need it for a buffer, which could easily be set aside in a joint account. I'd be very wary of this man. I don't think he's completely committed to the relationship.

Don't put the money into the house, which would add to his already greater wealth and decrease his portion of the mortgage debt, allowing him to put away even more of his monthly income that you have no access to, while diminishing the wealth available to you for financial security throughout your lifetime.

He's asking you to trust him with a huge amount of your money but he also wants to keep his own. Your parents' gift might well be the gift of showing you exactly the sort of man you are married to.

If he carries out whatever implied threat he is making wrt the proportional contribution (what exactly does he think he can do here, without your agreement?) you need to spend some of your money on a solicitor.

mathanxiety · 05/10/2023 04:20

KevinTurveyIsMissed · 04/10/2023 23:18

How so? He’s been paying more than 50% when he was earning more, so should OP not do the same now that she has the extra?

Show quote history

It's not that simple.

She earns less and thus has a smaller pension. She is the one whose career will take the hit if they have a baby.

He is putting away a lot of money every month, for himself, and as a higher earner, he very likely will have a better pension.

He comes out far ahead of her even after his contribution to the household.

JoanOfAllTrades · 05/10/2023 04:28

Having spoken to DH, he thinks that when you’re married, everything should be joint.

However, this would mean husband putting his extra each month, plus whatever he has saved now, into a joint savings account. Then @Bluebellwell could then pay the £180k off the mortgage, with the extra £20k going into the savings account. In this way, both parties have a buffer, should they need one.

My DH says that if the husband isn’t willing to do this, then OP should be asking her parents to hold off on giving her the money, if possible, and get a divorce, as then at least each person will get half, regardless of whose name it’s in.

My DH also pointed out that having children with a man like this, will see OP in a much worse position when she has to put her career on hold for however long, in order to birth/recover/bring up, said child/ren.

itsgettingweird · 05/10/2023 04:32

I'd ask him the question.....

If I out £180k into the mortgage how much will that reduce your contribution each month because you want to work out if it's best for you to save £100k or you to pay less.

If you don't share money and split things proportionality then any money you put in won't reduce his monthly share anyway. Or at least it shouldn't and he shouldn't expect it to if he saves his own for himself.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 05/10/2023 04:38

He's already being unfair with what he pays because he has so much more spare money then you do each month. I wouldn't worsen the financial inequality by giving it all over into a joint asset. Though legally it will probably become part of the joint marital assets in czs of divorce anyway, unless you ring fence it in the mortgage or your parents put it into a trust for you. Anything else in savings, pensions, mortgage would all be considered joint marital assets if you ever divorce in the future. Not saying you will, just that while married your savings and pensions in your sole name are yours to do with as you will, but if you one day divorced it being in a pension as opposed to savings won't protect it.

Glera · 05/10/2023 04:40

Personally, I'd keep the 200k and continue with whatever you've currently got going in.

Clearly when you took out your mortgage, you both did so without knowing this cash gift was coming. So whatever was agreed with split savings and split contributions was good enough for him then.

Someone said, you never know what's around the corner. Invest it for a bit, grow it and use the interest to contribute more to the mortgage.

TibetanTerrah · 05/10/2023 04:43

My husband is really annoyed at this and says it's damaging to the marriage that I'm not putting more of the gift into the mortgage.

I know you clarified this in your follow up post where he says it would change the set up of how much he pays month to month, but if he's said anything remotely like the above as well, I'd be very worried.

You're married. In the event of divorce, that gift from your parents would be split between you. If he's saying to you 'put almost all of it into paying off our joint asset, or I'm thinking about divorce where I'll get half anyway', you need to tread very, very carefully.

It sounds to me like he's focused on getting his hands on half that money - even if it means divorce.

You could 'play along' and pay off what he suggests, but on condition that you ringfence the amount you've paid off and you get it back in the event of divorce and having to sell. You can't ringfence cash savings in the same way.

If you (or he) jump the gun and this dispute between you escalates while the £200k is still liquid, you could lose half.

You need to keep your eyes open and your head on straight.

Glera · 05/10/2023 04:43

JoanOfAllTrades · 05/10/2023 04:28

Having spoken to DH, he thinks that when you’re married, everything should be joint.

However, this would mean husband putting his extra each month, plus whatever he has saved now, into a joint savings account. Then @Bluebellwell could then pay the £180k off the mortgage, with the extra £20k going into the savings account. In this way, both parties have a buffer, should they need one.

My DH says that if the husband isn’t willing to do this, then OP should be asking her parents to hold off on giving her the money, if possible, and get a divorce, as then at least each person will get half, regardless of whose name it’s in.

My DH also pointed out that having children with a man like this, will see OP in a much worse position when she has to put her career on hold for however long, in order to birth/recover/bring up, said child/ren.

Yes to this about parents withholding the cash if needs be. They could always invest it on her behalf (under their name). Your DH sounds like a very selfish man financially.

JoanOfAllTrades · 05/10/2023 04:48

TibetanTerrah · 05/10/2023 04:43

My husband is really annoyed at this and says it's damaging to the marriage that I'm not putting more of the gift into the mortgage.

I know you clarified this in your follow up post where he says it would change the set up of how much he pays month to month, but if he's said anything remotely like the above as well, I'd be very worried.

You're married. In the event of divorce, that gift from your parents would be split between you. If he's saying to you 'put almost all of it into paying off our joint asset, or I'm thinking about divorce where I'll get half anyway', you need to tread very, very carefully.

It sounds to me like he's focused on getting his hands on half that money - even if it means divorce.

You could 'play along' and pay off what he suggests, but on condition that you ringfence the amount you've paid off and you get it back in the event of divorce and having to sell. You can't ringfence cash savings in the same way.

If you (or he) jump the gun and this dispute between you escalates while the £200k is still liquid, you could lose half.

You need to keep your eyes open and your head on straight.

This ^^^ 💯%

JoanOfAllTrades · 05/10/2023 04:53

Glera · 05/10/2023 04:43

Yes to this about parents withholding the cash if needs be. They could always invest it on her behalf (under their name). Your DH sounds like a very selfish man financially.

Show quote history

And I would also want him to clarify what he means by “damaging to the marriage”, because him having a few spare thousand each month, isn’t damaging, so why should @Bluebellwell having spare money be damaging?

Is it because she will then have some financial independence, and he’s worried that she might have second thoughts on the marriage when she realises what a selfish prig she is married too?

Noicant · 05/10/2023 05:04

Don’t take the money from your parents yet and seriously consider a divorce. He wants to hoard his money and he wants you to reduce his monthly outgoings so he can hoard some more. If your marriage starts like this then I’m not sure it will improve in 10 or 20 years time. He will always expect you to disadvantage yourself to his benefit and he won’t see whats wrong with that.

SunRainStorm · 05/10/2023 05:06

JoanOfAllTrades · 05/10/2023 04:28

Having spoken to DH, he thinks that when you’re married, everything should be joint.

However, this would mean husband putting his extra each month, plus whatever he has saved now, into a joint savings account. Then @Bluebellwell could then pay the £180k off the mortgage, with the extra £20k going into the savings account. In this way, both parties have a buffer, should they need one.

My DH says that if the husband isn’t willing to do this, then OP should be asking her parents to hold off on giving her the money, if possible, and get a divorce, as then at least each person will get half, regardless of whose name it’s in.

My DH also pointed out that having children with a man like this, will see OP in a much worse position when she has to put her career on hold for however long, in order to birth/recover/bring up, said child/ren.

Maybe your DH could get his own Mumsnet account?

SunRainStorm · 05/10/2023 05:08

OP - a £200k deposit would get you a very nice bachelorette pad in most parts of the world.

panelbottle · 05/10/2023 05:11

Did you both contribute to the deposit?

panelbottle · 05/10/2023 05:13

Tbh if my dh got 200k off his parents & I was the breadwinner I would him to put more in.

SunRainStorm · 05/10/2023 05:13

panelbottle · 05/10/2023 05:11

Did you both contribute to the deposit?

The OP says they put equal amounts into the deposit

Codlingmoths · 05/10/2023 05:14

Mari9999 · 04/10/2023 23:51

@Bluebellwell
If he is contributing a larger share of the mortgage based upon his available resources, why would it be unreasonable to expect you to do the same? I am not saying that you should or should not make a larger contribution to the purchase of the house. That is for you to decide, but I don't think that it is unreasonable for him to raise the question.

He is also saving thousands a month. The op originally suggested to him putting half on the mortgage and keeping half of the money, by your exact argument since he is saving a lot why should he object to her having some decent personal savings too?

however having read the updates the op should ask her parents to hang onto it while she reconsiders the marriage. You can’t have kids with someone with an attitude like this.

panelbottle · 05/10/2023 05:15

Having spoken to DH, he thinks that when you’re married, everything should be joint.

thread can end now, posters DHs has spoken!

Roselilly36 · 05/10/2023 05:17

I wouldn’t have told him, the money has been gifted to you. I would invest in a high interest bond NS&I so it was safe and receive the income, that no doubt would be used for family expenditure etc. it’s a shame that a kind gift from your parents has caused an issue between you. Do what you think is best.

Swipe left for the next trending thread