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Original poster

Should I put most of parents' gift into mortgage? Husband thinks so.

175 replies

Bluebellwell · 04/10/2023 22:47

I was hoping for some advice here as I don't know if I'm being reasonable.

My husband and I bought a house several months ago. We put equal amounts into the deposit.

He earns a lot more than me, and pays towards the mortgage and bills proportionately to his income. He has a few grand spare each month, which he keeps in his own account. I have a far smaller amount spare each month.

My parents have recently gifted me £200k. I have said I will put £100k into the mortgage, and I'll keep the other £100k as savings in my name at the moment, but have said I will put it into the mortgage in the future, or draw on it if one of us loses our job (meanwhile it will build up interest).

My husband is really annoyed at this and says it's damaging to the marriage that I'm not putting more of the gift into the mortgage. He thinks I should put in £180k and keep £20k so I have at least some savings.

Is my approach reasonable?

OP posts:
panelbottle · 05/10/2023 05:19

Is the OP not allowed access to his savings?

DH had a similar gift when we bought a house & it was considered by him & his family as joint money.

RantyAnty · 05/10/2023 05:29

As others have said, he's being grabby and greedy.

I wouldn't accept the money yet I until you've worked things out.

ChampagneLassie · 05/10/2023 05:34

See a financial adviser, discuss together what you’re doing with your finances. This could help get an agreement you’re both happier with for your ongoing finances too. You could invest it, put into pension, spend it etc etc so many other options

youveturnedupwelldone · 05/10/2023 05:44

So.... basically he likes having the upper hand with money and can't cope with the thought of you having an amount of savings that gives you a certain amount of financial freedom?

He hoards his cash after paying his way
He won't share his surplus with you
He builds up his buffer
You build up nothing after paying your way
You get some cash that allows you to have a buffer too
You are willing to share it with him though by putting some in the mortgage
But if you don't spend it all on the mortgage (therefore leaving yourself without a buffer) he's threatening to no longer pay his way....

Zanatdy · 05/10/2023 05:50

Well if inheritance is considered separately in divorce (I have no clue) then maybe don’t put so much in. But I can see your husbands point if he’s putting in a lot more every month and you contribute a lot less then you don’t put all of this into the mortgage. I’m not saying he’s right, but if I was paying a lot more than my partner and they then came into money and wanted to keep a lot for themselves I’d consider it quite selfish.

The fact he’s saving his own money makes little sense anyway as if you were to divorce than half is yours anyway. I guess if you don’t divorce it means he spends that how he wants and you get no say. I have a friend in a marriage like this. She’s a SAHM for the last 10yrs, her DH is a high earner and saves a lot, he’s got minimum of 150k and she’s got a really low amount of savings left over from when she worked. She has to ask him for big purchases, ask him to take her parents for a meal, it’s just not how I could live. However she could get a job, her kids are in school, he WFH and could take a late lunch to pick up kids. It’s just an odd way to be in a marriage when everything would be split anyway. My ex was like this with money, I left him for other reasons but this was a big cause of resentment. I walked away with nothing in the end. But that’s a whole other post

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/10/2023 05:53

Get your parents to hold onto the 200K as a fuck off fund. You're going to need it. Not because of putting the money into the mortgage or not, that's a debate. But because your H is mean and wants you to have less than him. Marriages based on one person eating lobster while the other has gruel are either going to end or be desperately unhappy.

He actively wants to you have less than him. How is that a marriage?

laladoodoo · 05/10/2023 06:09

Bluebellwell · 05/10/2023 03:13

Thanks so much everyone for all the advice - it's much appreciated.

I had asked him if he would put any of his extra few grand each month into a joint savings account, but he doesn't want to because he wants to build up a 'buffer' after putting all his savings into the deposit.

He puts £2.7k more than me in each month for the mortgage and bills. I don't like to think in terms of him 'paying me back', because we're married. But if he were to 'pay back' my extra £100k, that would take him 3 years.

He is saying that if I don't put a greater share of the £200k into the mortgage now, that will jeopardize the arrangement we have where he's paying for mortgage/bills proportionally to his salary.

He pays 2.7k a month more than you? How much is your mortgage monthly repayment? It must be astronomical?!

Cakeandcardio · 05/10/2023 06:13

So he doesn't want to share when he has more but when you have more and don't share, you are "damaging the marriage"?

Itsokay2020 · 05/10/2023 06:15

onestepfromgrace · 04/10/2023 22:58

So he wants to keep his extra money and use your money?

Not fair at all. I don’t understand couples who have an uneven amount after bills.

Keep it all and tell him you will match his mortgage contribution, if he puts more in every month then so will you.

This, 100% this!

Keep your money so that you can match what he puts in. You never know what’s around the corner

Arewethebadguys · 05/10/2023 06:21

onestepfromgrace · 04/10/2023 22:58

So he wants to keep his extra money and use your money?

Not fair at all. I don’t understand couples who have an uneven amount after bills.

Keep it all and tell him you will match his mortgage contribution, if he puts more in every month then so will you.

Aaaaaaaall of this!

OhamIreally · 05/10/2023 06:21

@JoanOfAllTrades but what do you think?

historyrepeatz · 05/10/2023 06:25

Agree with others that he's a hypocrite. How much has he got stashed away, do you even know? So you pay it all into the mortgage, the balance comes down, the payments come down and he saves more on the side each month and keeps that savings to himself. At least if that couple of gran each month was going into joint savings it would be different.

Also as others have saved savings rates are better right now.

It's a good test of a marriage.

Quitelikeit · 05/10/2023 06:26

The guy pays an extra 2.7k a month more than the op so he isn’t that tight!

Op you should never have told hik
the amount

tell me - does he pay for your meal when out? Does he buy you nice birthday gifts? Is he generous?

Because if he is and he supplements your standard of living by paying 2.7k a month then I think he has a right to voice his opinion on your 200k

can I ask how much is outstanding on your mortgage? It is v unlikely that you will be able to pay it all anyway without incurring a ERP

but if this guy is looking for you to pay it off so he can reduce his outgoings whilst you sit poor and skint id question everything

partypant · 05/10/2023 06:32

mummy21blueeyed · 04/10/2023 23:15

Do not do it and do what ever the hell you want with it… if he has a few grand spare a month why isn’t he putting more into the mortgage himself. Not very often you get £200k to do something with so I suggest you do what you want treat yourself Invest in yourself and also if you are putting something in please see someone legal about draawinf something up so if you do divorce it has been made aware that you made the lump sum. He shouldn’t get to tell you what to do and don’t let him. Please don’t do it stand your ground. I wouldn’t of even put the £100k in unless he also had £100k to go in at the same time.

But he is putting more in. He earns more and they put money in proportionally. I'm not sure why everyone is saying he's being grabby. He pays the lions share of the mortgage and bills.

He possibly feels aggrieved at this.

I can see both sides

Dweetfidilove · 05/10/2023 06:33

So he’s saving a couple grand each month, which probably means he has a whole lot now, but you should sink all yours into the mortgage 🤔.

Ask your parents to put the whole 200k in a trust for you, because your husband sounds untrustworthy.

The previous arrangement was a bit iffy already, but encouraging you to put all your money into the joint mortgage while he saves his separately sounds ill-willed.

Melonandfalafel · 05/10/2023 06:42

I’m sorry OP, this kind gift is something that most couples would celebrate and be thankful for.
You may be embarrassed to ask your parents to do this but I would ask your parents to hold onto the money for you at present. Just say you are worried about spending it and want to be careful.
I am concerned about your husband, at best he is mean spirited, worst wanting to use it as a form of control, and/or to get out of the marriage.

Soontobe60 · 05/10/2023 06:44

They bought the house a few months ago with a shared deposit. He wants to build up his savings pot again as he used it all for his share of the deposit. He’s paying £2.7k more towards bills than she is. Let’s say it’s been 6 months. He’s paid £16.2k more than her towards bills, maybe saved £18k from what he has left over. If they divorced she’d get half the equity plus half his savings and pension. She would definitely be the winner financially.
If I were the OP, I’d be splitting the bills equally from now on, and would suggest to DH that we both increased our mortgage payments to try to overpay and reduce the balance. The rest of the gift I’d put into some high interest savings accounts, but with the knowledge that should we divorce, he’d be entitled to half of it.

hattie43 · 05/10/2023 06:58

What a shame the gift wasn't kept quiet .

RecycleMePlease · 05/10/2023 06:59

tell me - does he pay for your meal when out? Does he buy you nice birthday gifts? Is he generous?

You'll note that all of these things are things that he can choose to do or not with his money. The OP also should get to choose what she does with her money.

Because if he is and he supplements your standard of living by paying 2.7k a month then I think he has a right to voice his opinion on your 200k

He gets to express his opinion on the OP's proportion donated maybe, but not on this extra amount - just as she doesn't get an opinion on his savings according to him. That's fair - if he gets to choose what he does with his extra money, so does she, and why should that change now that she has the larger spare amount than him?

Baaaaaa · 05/10/2023 07:06

AirportAssassin · 04/10/2023 23:00

Depending on what rate you got and when your payment term ends you are almost definitely better off putting it into savings until it's time to remortgage

This. Though you did say you bought recently so interest rates on mortgage might exceed interest rates on savings.

NotNowGertrude · 05/10/2023 07:14

Melonandfalafel · 05/10/2023 06:42

I’m sorry OP, this kind gift is something that most couples would celebrate and be thankful for.
You may be embarrassed to ask your parents to do this but I would ask your parents to hold onto the money for you at present. Just say you are worried about spending it and want to be careful.
I am concerned about your husband, at best he is mean spirited, worst wanting to use it as a form of control, and/or to get out of the marriage.

This

Daisydovetail · 05/10/2023 07:23

If he was going to hold a grudge about paying more for the bills each month then why did he want to buy what I assume is a massively expensive house?
If one half of a couple is a high earner and one is a low then you either accept the higher earner pays more towards the bills or you live a lifestyle that the lower earner can truly pay half of.
We have always just pooled all money. There were years I didn’t work as I stayed home to look after DC and it worked fine. I’ll never understand one partner squirrelling away savings whilst the other partner struggles.
What you do with your £200k is up to you but his threat to tighten the purse strings would be a red flag for me.

Lovingitallnow · 05/10/2023 07:27

@Soontobe60 its kind of a booby prize knowing you'd be the winner in a divorce if you want to stay married to someone but know they'll make you the loser in a marriage.

LeeMead · 05/10/2023 07:31

JoanOfAllTrades · 05/10/2023 04:28

Having spoken to DH, he thinks that when you’re married, everything should be joint.

However, this would mean husband putting his extra each month, plus whatever he has saved now, into a joint savings account. Then @Bluebellwell could then pay the £180k off the mortgage, with the extra £20k going into the savings account. In this way, both parties have a buffer, should they need one.

My DH says that if the husband isn’t willing to do this, then OP should be asking her parents to hold off on giving her the money, if possible, and get a divorce, as then at least each person will get half, regardless of whose name it’s in.

My DH also pointed out that having children with a man like this, will see OP in a much worse position when she has to put her career on hold for however long, in order to birth/recover/bring up, said child/ren.

What's your opinion @JoanOfAllTrades?

DisforDarkChocolate · 05/10/2023 07:32

If I was your parent I'd withdraw the offer and put the money in trust for you.