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Original poster

Should I put most of parents' gift into mortgage? Husband thinks so.

175 replies

Bluebellwell · 04/10/2023 22:47

I was hoping for some advice here as I don't know if I'm being reasonable.

My husband and I bought a house several months ago. We put equal amounts into the deposit.

He earns a lot more than me, and pays towards the mortgage and bills proportionately to his income. He has a few grand spare each month, which he keeps in his own account. I have a far smaller amount spare each month.

My parents have recently gifted me £200k. I have said I will put £100k into the mortgage, and I'll keep the other £100k as savings in my name at the moment, but have said I will put it into the mortgage in the future, or draw on it if one of us loses our job (meanwhile it will build up interest).

My husband is really annoyed at this and says it's damaging to the marriage that I'm not putting more of the gift into the mortgage. He thinks I should put in £180k and keep £20k so I have at least some savings.

Is my approach reasonable?

OP posts:
AluckyEllie · 05/10/2023 09:33

Give the gift back to your parents and then divorce him 😂

Quitelikeit · 05/10/2023 10:09

The guy is hardly tight! It would be good to know how much the op pays each month compared to his 2.7k

JoanOfAllTrades · 05/10/2023 10:12

SunRainStorm · 05/10/2023 05:06

Maybe your DH could get his own Mumsnet account?

Show quote history

Well, I like to ask him about husband questions because I will (generally, and rightly or wrongly) side with the wife, so if he also has the same opinion, I know I’m on the right track too 🙂

Plus, he’s off work right now so he’s a “captive” audience 😂😂

Prelapsarianhag · 05/10/2023 10:19

He is a grabby cunt. Don't have children with this man - he will rob you blind, and please do not give him a penny.

MaxTalk · 05/10/2023 10:22

Money should not be fully shared in marriage IMO.

He takes that view and so should you. Both contribute to the pot equally.

Where you get your funds from is both your own individual convern.

GentlemanJay · 05/10/2023 10:24

Doesn't matter what you do to it. You are married. Half of it by law in a divorce court is his anyway.

MMmomDD · 05/10/2023 10:25

@Bluebellwell

How long have you been married? And do you have children?
Basically - it seems to me that your H is not really committed to the marriage - as in he isn’t prepared to fully share finances.
Which on on its own is OK - but if/when life situation changes - say you have a child; or can’t work - you can’t count on his support.

And the fact that he is blackmailing you with changing your ongoing expenses sharing agreement is showing his true colours.
He doesn’t want to go all in. While he wants you to go all in.

I don’t know how attached you are to this relationship. I’d really be worried about the future prospects with a husband like this.
Your parents should not have given the money to you directly. They should have put it in a trust.

I think you need to see a financial advisor and do it now.

If you so stay with H - do put a sizeable chunk away into a trust as this would protect the money as yours if/when you divorce.

JoanOfAllTrades · 05/10/2023 10:51

LeeMead · 05/10/2023 07:31

What's your opinion @JoanOfAllTrades?

Show quote history

I think that a marriage where your husband (and he wouldn’t be a “dear” husband) will nickel and dime you because your parents give you a gift, is no marriage.

My DH and I share everything except toothbrushes, hair brushes and razors! And he’s welcome to use my makeup and (if I every get any) spanx anytime!

All our money goes into a joint account, we have 2 joint savings accounts and we pay our bills out of the joint account. But the minute he starts with his money or any other nonsense, the minute I say I’m out!

Naunet · 05/10/2023 12:58

GentlemanJay · 05/10/2023 10:24

Doesn't matter what you do to it. You are married. Half of it by law in a divorce court is his anyway.

Same can be said for his savings, but he’s still keeping them away from OP, isn’t he?

MrsMara · 05/10/2023 13:49

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 05/10/2023 07:49

This is such rich people problems I cannot even. So your mortgage and bills pm is more than £2.7k; after paying that much, he still has "a few grand" to play with each MONTH(??); and your parents have just "gifted you TEO HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS?

Yeah your husband is a bit of a selfish grasping prick; but honestly, both of you are so so rich and privileged I find it hard to worry about either of you. Put the money into the mortgage, or don't, divorce him, don't - you'll be completely fine either way, you both will, because you are literally fucking loaded. If with that much money you still manage to argue about money, I'd say your relationship is pretty shit tbh.

These people aren't rich and the aren't huge numbers - despite your rant.

What is huge is the level of unfairness levelled at OP by her husband who wants to benefit from her money by massively reducing the mortgage, but still keep building HIS own savings fund.

@Bluebellwell , I would be rethinking the marriage and its future tbh.

griegwithhimandhim · 05/10/2023 13:55

KevinTurveyIsMissed · 04/10/2023 23:18

How so? He’s been paying more than 50% when he was earning more, so should OP not do the same now that she has the extra?

Show quote history

All that time he had a few grand spare each month - was he sharing it with the OP? No. So hardly joint finances, eh?

But lo and behold, as soon as HER parents give HER some money, he wants her to use all of it to reduce the mortgage, thus giving him £100 grand extra in equity, and also considerably reducing the monthly mortgage payment he makes. So he gains half the capital and he benefits from his reduced mortgage payments as well. The OP loses £100 grand of the money her parents gave her.

Easy to see who the winner in this arrangement would be.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 05/10/2023 14:03

MrsMara · 05/10/2023 13:49

These people aren't rich and the aren't huge numbers - despite your rant.

What is huge is the level of unfairness levelled at OP by her husband who wants to benefit from her money by massively reducing the mortgage, but still keep building HIS own savings fund.

@Bluebellwell , I would be rethinking the marriage and its future tbh.

Show quote history

Mate you can show off all you like, but someone who earns over £3k per month after tax, mortgage and bills is objectively rich. Someone who has just received a PRESENT of £200k is very bloody rich indeed.

"These aren't huge numbers" - My partner and I are both above the national average wage, In an inexpensive part of the country, and they are very bloody big numbers to me. It is extremely privileged and blinkered of you to say 'these are not big numbers' and 'these people are not rich' - if you think that, based on your own circumstances, then you are clearly so obscenely rich as to have entirely lost touch with reality. Which is of course very nice for you (and the OP!), because where to put your £200k pocket money is the biggest problem you have.

OhamIreally · 05/10/2023 14:26

@herewegoroundthebastardbush that has nothing to do with the OP's question.

The principle is the same regardless of the amount. A £200k gift looks enormous to me also but probably represents a once in a lifetime opportunity to OP just as it would to you or I.

Spacecowboys · 05/10/2023 14:29

Difficult one. If my dp received an inheritance I’d fully expect him to pay off the mortgage.

Mistressanne · 05/10/2023 16:18

Spacecowboys · 05/10/2023 14:29

Difficult one. If my dp received an inheritance I’d fully expect him to pay off the mortgage.

Why?
When my dh got his inheritance, £70k, we’d just paid off our mortgage fortunately.
My bil bought himself an expensive luxury with some of his money. I asked dh if he wanted to do the same. He said no and insisted that the money was put in my name because I have very little pension.
Needless to say it’s used for whatever we jointly wish to buy because we’re a team but I would never have dictated what he should do with his money.

PaminaMozart · 05/10/2023 16:25

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/10/2023 03:29

This is a proper LTB situation. He will take every penny of yours, keep every penny of his and then, because he can afford it, get the best barrister in the country to screw you out of the house too.

I agree. He is showing his true colours.

This marriage won't go the distance, @Bluebellwell . Better bail out now before you risk losing your parents' generous gift.

You need competent legal advice now - before the money is subsumed into joint marital assets

MaxTalk · 05/10/2023 16:27

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 05/10/2023 14:03

Mate you can show off all you like, but someone who earns over £3k per month after tax, mortgage and bills is objectively rich. Someone who has just received a PRESENT of £200k is very bloody rich indeed.

"These aren't huge numbers" - My partner and I are both above the national average wage, In an inexpensive part of the country, and they are very bloody big numbers to me. It is extremely privileged and blinkered of you to say 'these are not big numbers' and 'these people are not rich' - if you think that, based on your own circumstances, then you are clearly so obscenely rich as to have entirely lost touch with reality. Which is of course very nice for you (and the OP!), because where to put your £200k pocket money is the biggest problem you have.

Show quote history

Why do you care about the numbers and how "rich" someone is?

That's not the point of the discussion.

MrsMara · 05/10/2023 16:32

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 05/10/2023 14:03

Mate you can show off all you like, but someone who earns over £3k per month after tax, mortgage and bills is objectively rich. Someone who has just received a PRESENT of £200k is very bloody rich indeed.

"These aren't huge numbers" - My partner and I are both above the national average wage, In an inexpensive part of the country, and they are very bloody big numbers to me. It is extremely privileged and blinkered of you to say 'these are not big numbers' and 'these people are not rich' - if you think that, based on your own circumstances, then you are clearly so obscenely rich as to have entirely lost touch with reality. Which is of course very nice for you (and the OP!), because where to put your £200k pocket money is the biggest problem you have.

Show quote history

Aren't you chippy!

Nobody is showing off @herewegoroundthebastardbush, I simply found your rant about the 'rich and privileged' disproportionate to the numbers being discussed.

mathanxiety · 05/10/2023 18:00

TriceratopsRocks · 05/10/2023 09:00

With your DHs extra disposable income, he could save up his own £200k in 6-7 years. You have a lot less spare money each month. How long would it take you to save up your own £200k? Is it even possible for you to do so, over the course of your entire working life, particularly if DC are planned? This could be your only opportunity to have such an amount. Whereas your DH could save up the same amount several times over.

I think that finances are best either completely shared/joint, or kept separate but paying things proportionally. Mixing the two methods is where things risk becoming disadvantageous to one partner. In this case you. You never know what might come down the line. Even if you stay together, illness, disability, any future DC, other caring responsibilities - all could seriously impact your ability to look out for yourself in future. I would be very careful about giving up this chance to have some financial security for yourself. If he wants to keep his extra income for himself, then you absolutely need to do the same, by protecting this gift for you.

This.

OP, you need to talk to a solicitor and an accountant. Go to a reputable firm, not an ambulance chaser type outfit, and ask for advice.

mummy21blueeyed · 05/10/2023 18:37

@partypant I know this but why does he have to when they could enjoy holidays so some work to the house do anything with it rather than just put it all into that. It would seem pretty pointless to me to just not enjoy more than £20k of it. I’d want experiences and memories being built and made not just my mortgage paying.

YoBeaches · 05/10/2023 19:20

How old are you Op and what's your pension situation?

and what's you dh pensions situation?

Do you have kids, are you planning to!

YoBeaches · 05/10/2023 19:21

Sorry one more, how much is your mortgage over how many years left ?

Ilefttownonsaturday · 05/10/2023 19:27
  1. Put £50k into the mortgage, £50k in premium bonds and £100k into your pension.
  1. All of it into your pension

OR if you have kids:

  1. buy them a flat in their name only & let it out and put the rental income towards their university costs.

All the above ideas do not include your husband.

Kissmas · 05/10/2023 19:27

Knowing what I know about most marriages and reading the things you've written here, I'd actually divorce him. Not even joking.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 05/10/2023 20:03

You are being more than reasonable considering he has lots of extra spare cash monthly for himself and is not a joint pot for you both to use so you are left with not so much free cash for yourself. PLEASE DO NOT put all your money into it. Keep money aside in your own name only as you never know what happens in marriages and that is your little nest egg. Do you even know how much money he has in his own account. Put it away and make sure he cannot ever touch it and do not pay it into the mortgage in the future. That is for you and children if you have any and your security for the future.

If he is sulking tell him he is lucky you are putting that 100 k into the mortgage as I suspect he would not do the same. He has no right to demand and tell you what to do with the money your family left you and they would not want him forcing you to do what you are told by him.

Be sensible as he has not thought of you when he has lots of spare cash.
Let him sulk but if he continues this behavior then I would be seriously thinking about this marriage as he sounds like a controlling selfish man.