Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I put most of parents' gift into mortgage? Husband thinks so.

175 replies

Bluebellwell · 04/10/2023 22:47

I was hoping for some advice here as I don't know if I'm being reasonable.

My husband and I bought a house several months ago. We put equal amounts into the deposit.

He earns a lot more than me, and pays towards the mortgage and bills proportionately to his income. He has a few grand spare each month, which he keeps in his own account. I have a far smaller amount spare each month.

My parents have recently gifted me £200k. I have said I will put £100k into the mortgage, and I'll keep the other £100k as savings in my name at the moment, but have said I will put it into the mortgage in the future, or draw on it if one of us loses our job (meanwhile it will build up interest).

My husband is really annoyed at this and says it's damaging to the marriage that I'm not putting more of the gift into the mortgage. He thinks I should put in £180k and keep £20k so I have at least some savings.

Is my approach reasonable?

OP posts:
Zanina · 05/10/2023 07:35

He is jealous that you have so much money. Don't fall for it. He wouldn't do the same for you. Think about yourself and any future kids or situation if you spilt. Just keep pushing back. Think how much would he actually support you if you went on maternity/ SAHP for few years. Honestly women need more money in cash then men because we have to take several breaks / carers duties. At some point you may have to care for your parents and they also may expect it because they gave you this money. I wouldn't even put 100k into the mortgage tbh. He just wants his life to be made easy but yours will get hard 100%. This money would keep you on an even keel with him for life almost. Don't do it. Please don't do it.

rookiemere · 05/10/2023 07:41

How much do you love this man ?
Have you discussed how financial arrangements will change when and if you have DC?
I can sort of see semi separate finances before DC, but definitely after it should all be joint.
I agree with some others ask your DPs to put the money in trust for you for now.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 05/10/2023 07:49

This is such rich people problems I cannot even. So your mortgage and bills pm is more than £2.7k; after paying that much, he still has "a few grand" to play with each MONTH(??); and your parents have just "gifted you TEO HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS?

Yeah your husband is a bit of a selfish grasping prick; but honestly, both of you are so so rich and privileged I find it hard to worry about either of you. Put the money into the mortgage, or don't, divorce him, don't - you'll be completely fine either way, you both will, because you are literally fucking loaded. If with that much money you still manage to argue about money, I'd say your relationship is pretty shit tbh.

Shakenbutbarelystirred · 05/10/2023 07:52

I am with the majority that this should be your choice and the language your husband is using is awful. But a bit more context would be useful.

Most happy marriages I know use one of 3 methods for managing joint finances:

  1. Everything in one pot, all shared
  2. Everything in one pot and then equal amounts withdrawn for personal spending
  3. Separate finances, agreed amounts put into a joint account for agreed shared bills.
Types 1 and 2 are typical in an ‘early’ life marriage, no major assets or dependents brought to the marriage. Type 3 is more normal where the parties have established careers, assets, possibly children prior to the marriage.

You seem to have a type 3, but then your husband is asking (quite aggressively) for a large share of one of your assets.

How large is the mortgage? And how great a disparity are the payments at the moment? If, for example, he pays £3,200 per month and you pay £500 and the mortgage is for (eg) £750k, then he is already set up to contribute much more over the mortgage term.

What worries me is he seems to be looking at it from a ‘benefit to him’ point of view, rather than, for example, comparing interest rates on savings (less tax) and mortgage, and making an argument based on overall financial good.

I think your proposal sounds very sensible. You may like to add in the amount your £100k will generate (£5-6k per year pre tax) to your income, and recalculate your share of the mortgage payments to factor that in. If he disagrees with that, I would think seriously about what he will be like long term.

perfectcolourfound · 05/10/2023 07:56

He is choosing how he deals with his income. And for him, that means putting savings away in his own name, which you don't know about.

Logic dictates you get to do the same.

He's a hypocrite if he thinks you should share the vast majority of this income, but he doesn't have to.

Bellyblueboy · 05/10/2023 08:01

So his money is his money and your money is shared?

I would really struggle with this - he sounds greedy and selfish.

speak to a solicitor about how to protect this money.

will you stop working if you have children? Will you always earn less than him. I assume this money will make a big dent in the mortgage - he gets half in a divorce. He has enjoyed his big disposable income and you lose out.

Star81 · 05/10/2023 08:03

Check how much you can overpay your mortgage by per year as often it’s only 10% or you pay a penalty if more.

PinkRoses1245 · 05/10/2023 08:04

You are reasonable, I wouldn’t do this unless all finances shared. Your DH benefits a lot if you do this as will save so much in interest. Insist all finances shared, ir keep separate and only pay a bit off mortgage

SD1978 · 05/10/2023 08:04

Absolutely it. He's happy to have thousands more every month of 'his' money, but you're not allowed the same? I would be keeping it all if everything is supposed to be fair.

mummummummummummummmmmmy · 05/10/2023 08:08

He sounds like a top cunt.

You've got enough money to sort your shit out and leave.

Chelsea543 · 05/10/2023 08:12

I wouldn’t put any in right now. Seems like he keeps his money separate so you should too. Also what happens if you divorce down the line and you’ve put extra in. I’d be checking if there’s a way you could make sure the money comes back to you if this was to happen otherwise he’d be walking away with a lot more than you and also sounds like he’s got more in the bank anyway -
do you even know what he’s got?

Londonscallingme · 05/10/2023 08:13

It doesn’t sound like you have consolidated finances, so he’s being totally unreasonable. I would tell him it’s ‘damaging to your marriage’ that he has so much more disposable income than you after his contribution to bills etc. and you think you should have a joint account for wages and share everything. He’s not entitled to any of the money your parents are gifting you and if he really put off by his entitled attitude tbh.

Dayhee · 05/10/2023 08:15

I wouldn’t unless he is prepared to put his wages into a joint account and you each take an equal amount from that each month for your own spending/saving. I’d also be cautious about the split in the event of divorce.

Londonscallingme · 05/10/2023 08:18

coffy11 · 05/10/2023 03:54

Why wouldn't you both put all of your savings and the gift into the mortgage to pay it off? Isn't that what a marriage is about? If you break up everything gets added up and divided anyway doesn't it? I'm not from the UK so maybe it's different there.

Having no savings is not a great idea (as a general point, not specific to either the OP or her OH), also, inheritance can be treated differently by a judge in the event of divorce, depending on when the gift was received and how long the marriage was.

Nanaof1 · 05/10/2023 08:19

Bluebellwell · 04/10/2023 22:47

I was hoping for some advice here as I don't know if I'm being reasonable.

My husband and I bought a house several months ago. We put equal amounts into the deposit.

He earns a lot more than me, and pays towards the mortgage and bills proportionately to his income. He has a few grand spare each month, which he keeps in his own account. I have a far smaller amount spare each month.

My parents have recently gifted me £200k. I have said I will put £100k into the mortgage, and I'll keep the other £100k as savings in my name at the moment, but have said I will put it into the mortgage in the future, or draw on it if one of us loses our job (meanwhile it will build up interest).

My husband is really annoyed at this and says it's damaging to the marriage that I'm not putting more of the gift into the mortgage. He thinks I should put in £180k and keep £20k so I have at least some savings.

Is my approach reasonable?

Your DH doesn't "share" his spare money with you but expects you to share it all by putting it into the mortgage which is half his? Why doesn't he put his "extra" a month that is above the amount you have "extra" into the mortgage?

PLEASE do not do this! Personally, I would put nothing towards it since your DH puts none of his extra into it. Put into whatever the UK calls a CD or money market acct. Let it build up interest and use the interest for things like holidays or for something you want. Keep the 200K for a DIRE emergency/or when you are older.

Your DH is jealous and is now afraid you'll "have more money" than he has, and that will never do.

ManyATrueWord · 05/10/2023 08:25

This doesn't sound fair. If you put it in the mortgage you are saving him money in interest. Then half of it is his if you divorce. Seek financial combined with legal advice because him keeping thousands a month and expecting you to give him your money too is not on.

SD1978 · 05/10/2023 08:27

I would also personally be looking at whether there is any way at all that the inheritance/gift can be protected- because he is really showing his colours regarding money.

ThePoetsWife · 05/10/2023 08:36

Then all income should be treated as joint family finance - he can't have his own savings and insist you put yours into the mortgage.

JoanOfAllTrades · 05/10/2023 08:39

OhamIreally · 05/10/2023 06:21

@JoanOfAllTrades but what do you think?

I think that if my DH didn’t want to share his money with me, then I don’t want to share my money with him!

And the fact that I now had more money than him shouldn’t really enter into the equation!

In fact, if this was me, in this situation, my boots would be made for walking…

Megifer · 05/10/2023 08:49

🤣🤣🤣 What an absolute chancer honestly why do some men think us women are completely thick? 🤣

StowOnTheWold · 05/10/2023 08:59

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/10/2023 05:53

Get your parents to hold onto the 200K as a fuck off fund. You're going to need it. Not because of putting the money into the mortgage or not, that's a debate. But because your H is mean and wants you to have less than him. Marriages based on one person eating lobster while the other has gruel are either going to end or be desperately unhappy.

He actively wants to you have less than him. How is that a marriage?

This is excellent advice ^

Perhaps they 'scale down' the gift to £50,000 and you put £25,000 to reduce the mortgage. That way you have done something which should shut him up. You keep the other £25,000 for you.

They can open an account or some investment trusts in their name and hold £150,000 on trust for you as an informal 'pension'.

TriceratopsRocks · 05/10/2023 09:00

With your DHs extra disposable income, he could save up his own £200k in 6-7 years. You have a lot less spare money each month. How long would it take you to save up your own £200k? Is it even possible for you to do so, over the course of your entire working life, particularly if DC are planned? This could be your only opportunity to have such an amount. Whereas your DH could save up the same amount several times over.

I think that finances are best either completely shared/joint, or kept separate but paying things proportionally. Mixing the two methods is where things risk becoming disadvantageous to one partner. In this case you. You never know what might come down the line. Even if you stay together, illness, disability, any future DC, other caring responsibilities - all could seriously impact your ability to look out for yourself in future. I would be very careful about giving up this chance to have some financial security for yourself. If he wants to keep his extra income for himself, then you absolutely need to do the same, by protecting this gift for you.

Jericha · 05/10/2023 09:03

If he wants access to your money he should've given you access to "his".

LardoBurrows · 05/10/2023 09:08

I'd be asking your parents to hang onto that money for your running away fund. Seeing your husband's reaction to you handing back the money to your parents will tell you if he is a keeper, or not.

Epidote · 05/10/2023 09:29

He was your husband and happy to be so before you parents give you a penny wasn't he? So the threats saying that it will damage the marriage are pure bullshit.

It is your gift and you use it as you please. He has no word on that. I think your approach is a very good one. Keeping a big chunk will give you peace of mind. It is not like you are going to waste that money.
He has his savings doesn't he? Build your own.
He is very unreasonable here.

Swipe left for the next trending thread