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Original poster

Husband says we aren't what each other want anymore...

253 replies

Glammo32 · 03/10/2023 15:31

Things have been brewing for a while and yesterday we had one of those 'chats' and husband told me that I'm not what he wants/needs from a wife anymore, and he knows that he isn't want I want. In a nutshell. He basically then packed a bag and went to stay at his parents last night.

This has completely knocked me for six. Things haven't been great for a while I'll admit but I thought we were each other's forever. We've been together for 11 years, married 6 and have a DD 4. He says that I'm always out at the gym or with my friends, and that I never seem to want to be home, I don't help out around the house and that I'm like living with a teenager. I do admit I need to try harder but I'm an active & sociable person and whilst he thinks this of me, I think he has become rather boring recently. I know he wants that traditional family dynamic and I do want it too, but just not how he describes. He is not your usual man in the fact that he does a lot round the house, helps with bed times, school runs etc, probably more than me tbh. He works shift work so sometimes we go weeks without seeing each other properly, so this hasn't helped. But this means that the weeks when he is home in the evenings, this is my only opportunity to go out and socialise, gym etc because of our daughter. He has said I never want to do anything with him, be around him, but then I don't really know what he wants to do with me?

I'm still just in utter shock, as although we have our faults, and I know I need to try harder, I can't believe that he has actually left. He has told me that he's felt like this for years and that a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, whilst I'm grieving terribly. I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 03/10/2023 15:32

Was his daughter living with you full time?

PaintedEgg · 03/10/2023 15:34

going by what you've just said - he is right, isn't he? He is not getting what he wants from the relationship, while you took him for granted and basically lived your separate life

other than your unwillingness to shake things up - why do you want him to stick around if he is so boring to you?

Original poster
Glammo32 · 03/10/2023 15:34

OhComeOnFFS · 03/10/2023 15:32

Was his daughter living with you full time?

Sorry I used the wrong terminology! She's our joint daughter.

OP posts:
Hereforsummer · 03/10/2023 15:35

This must hurt right now as you didn't see it coming but is he right? If so he might have done you both a favour. Hang in there for now and you may find you'll be happier in the long run.

AgnesX · 03/10/2023 15:35

So the evenings that he's home you go out. I hope you've badly worded that as it sounds like he's got a point.

Thebigblueballoon · 03/10/2023 15:37

From what you’ve described, you seem aware that you don’t do as much as him around the house, and when he’s there you head straight out the door to get on with personal activities. It sounds like he has a legitimate grievance and is feeling neglected and possibly a bit used.
Seems like it’s time to have a candid conversation with him and that you need to make a few changes to save the relationship. How would you feel if the situation was reversed?

Mawface · 03/10/2023 15:37

PaintedEgg · 03/10/2023 15:34

going by what you've just said - he is right, isn't he? He is not getting what he wants from the relationship, while you took him for granted and basically lived your separate life

other than your unwillingness to shake things up - why do you want him to stick around if he is so boring to you?

Thought the same!

Original poster
Glammo32 · 03/10/2023 15:38

AgnesX · 03/10/2023 15:35

So the evenings that he's home you go out. I hope you've badly worded that as it sounds like he's got a point.

I do get that...but sometimes his shifts mean's he's not home all afternoon or evening so its like being a single parent. Then when he is home of an evening, I will go to the gym for an hour or so after my daughter is in bed, or see friends on a Friday night maybe. How else can I have any sort of social life?

OP posts:
AgnesX · 03/10/2023 15:39

Glammo32 · 03/10/2023 15:38

I do get that...but sometimes his shifts mean's he's not home all afternoon or evening so its like being a single parent. Then when he is home of an evening, I will go to the gym for an hour or so after my daughter is in bed, or see friends on a Friday night maybe. How else can I have any sort of social life?

Show quote history

I take your point but what do you do together?

Watchkeys · 03/10/2023 15:43

I don't know what to do

Respect what he's told you and deal with your own emotions?

PaminaMozart · 03/10/2023 15:43

when he is home of an evening, I will go to the gym for an hour or so after my daughter is in bed, or see friends on a Friday night maybe. How else can I have any sort of social life?

Your expectations seem somewhat unrealistic. How often do you actually go out to meet up with friends on your own? Compared to how often you spend days/evenings with your husband, either at home or going out?

Until our youngest was about 12, neither my husband nor I had much of individual social lives. We either did things as a family, or we'd get a babysitter and go out together.

Dweetfidilove · 03/10/2023 15:43

Your description seems to match his grievance exactly.

And, you find him boring, so not much left.

Whilst being together may have been convenient, I don’t see that either party was getting what they wanted. He was just quicker at calling time.

MN teaches us that we can end a relationship for any reason, and his sound valid.

MustBeNapTime · 03/10/2023 15:50

Shift work is hard on both parties involved but what you are basically saying is you'd rather go to the gym or socialise alone with your friends and have your DH babysit than spend time with your husband in the small window of opportunity you have when he's not on shift work. When does he get the opportunity to spend his evenings off in a way he would like?

Or is this a reverse? Because if this situation was the other way round, your DH would be getting a pasting.

PaintedEgg · 03/10/2023 15:52

Glammo32 · 03/10/2023 15:38

I do get that...but sometimes his shifts mean's he's not home all afternoon or evening so its like being a single parent. Then when he is home of an evening, I will go to the gym for an hour or so after my daughter is in bed, or see friends on a Friday night maybe. How else can I have any sort of social life?

Show quote history

well, you will get plenty of time now if you get a 50/50 coparenting agreement

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 03/10/2023 15:53

The thing is, you can ofc go over what you did or didn’t do and what he did and didn’t do.
But he has now taken the executive decision that this marriage is no longer.

There isn’t a lot you can do. If he really think nothing can be done, then you will part ways.

In that case, what you can do is

  • take stock. Give yourself time to absorb what he said and your new reality.
  • Look after yourself
  • Start planning fir a separation. It’s likely he has thought about it fur quite a while and knows where he wants to head. You don’t. So start to get organised. Find a lawyer. Get all the docs together.
  • Talk to your dd about the separation, if possible AFTER you’ve decided what sort of organisation you will have - aka is it going to be 50/50? EOW? Etc…..
  • Ensure he has his dd in a regular basis. She’ll want to see her dad. And you’ll need the break.
Blackcoffee1 · 03/10/2023 15:55

Sounds like he is right.

Are you not desperate to spend time with him on your evenings together - cook and eat a nice meal together, cuddle on the sofa, watch a film?

Instead of spending money on nights out with your mates, could you not hire a babysitter and go on a date night with him once a week?

Relationships don't just continue endlessly even if you put zero effort into them.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 03/10/2023 15:55

PaintedEgg · 03/10/2023 15:52

well, you will get plenty of time now if you get a 50/50 coparenting agreement

Show quote history

Well that would assume the OP was doing a lot if the work/parenting and this will come as a shock to the father….

Blackcoffee1 · 03/10/2023 15:56

Do you work, OP?

TiredMamOfTwo · 03/10/2023 15:58

Sounds like he's right, it's going to take time to accept it op.

TheMurderousGoose · 03/10/2023 15:58

It sounds like he has legitimate reasons to feel the relationship isn’t working, but why don’t people communicate their resentments rather than waiting until they can’t stand it anymore and announcing it’s over? Seems such a childish approach to marriage.

Shame for the 4 year old.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 03/10/2023 16:00

Blackcoffee1 · 03/10/2023 15:55

Sounds like he is right.

Are you not desperate to spend time with him on your evenings together - cook and eat a nice meal together, cuddle on the sofa, watch a film?

Instead of spending money on nights out with your mates, could you not hire a babysitter and go on a date night with him once a week?

Relationships don't just continue endlessly even if you put zero effort into them.

And at the same time, everyone on MN will go on about the importance to be yourself, still see friends etc….
That mothers need down time too.

And when one does that… she gets slaughtered because she doesn’t want to spend with her DH!

Fwiw the OP doesn’t say how often she goes out, how much down time/time for himself her DH has. Nor does the OP explains how much h effort her DH has put in trying to spend time together/organise date nights etc…. (Because if it’s so important forhim, he’ll have done all that right? He won’t have waited for the OP to organise it instead)
So it’s impossible to say whether it was excessive or fair.

HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 16:03

Well, from what you say, he’s right. Not seeing him for weeks and then disappearing off for nights out when he’s available has sent him a very clear message that he’s right at the bottom of your list of priorities.

It’s very possible though that this is an attempt by him to get you to pay him more attention and make some time for him rather than him wanting to end things. Would you want to do this if that was the case, or do you still want to leave him at home with the toddler so you can get out on the town?

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 03/10/2023 16:05

You have a social life by hiring a babysitter and going out when he's
Working and then when he's home you SPEND TIME WITH HIM. Or is he not worthy of your time other than as the other parent to your child?

HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 16:08

Glammo32 · 03/10/2023 15:38

I do get that...but sometimes his shifts mean's he's not home all afternoon or evening so its like being a single parent. Then when he is home of an evening, I will go to the gym for an hour or so after my daughter is in bed, or see friends on a Friday night maybe. How else can I have any sort of social life?

Show quote history

We, like many parents, pretty much saw our social life collapse when we had children. It’s a shame, but not a surprise.

N27 · 03/10/2023 16:10

From what you’ve put, he absolutely has a point.

you say a few times you “need to try harder” but it doesn’t seem like you actually want to change? what exactly are you going to try harder at?

you also state he is boring and you don’t want the family life he does - do you accept he’s not what you want either?