Page 10 | Husband says we aren't what each other want anymore...

Glammo32 · 2023-10-03T14:31:05+00:00

Things have been brewing for a while and yesterday we had one of those 'chats' and husband told me that I'm not what he wants/needs from a wife anymore, and he knows that he isn't want I want. In a nutshell. He basically then packed a bag and went to stay at his parents last night. This has completely knocked me for six. Things haven't been great for a while I'll admit but I thought we were each other's forever. We've been together for 11 years, married 6 and have a DD 4. He says that I'm always out at the gym or with my friends, and that I never seem to want to be home, I don't help out around the house and that I'm like living with a teenager. I do admit I need to try harder but I'm an active & sociable person and whilst he thinks this of me, I think he has become rather boring recently. I know he wants that traditional family dynamic and I do want it too, but just not how he describes. He is not your usual man in the fact that he does a lot round the house, helps with bed times, school runs etc, probably more than me tbh. He works shift work so sometimes we go weeks without seeing each other properly, so this hasn't helped. But this means that the weeks when he is home in the evenings, this is my only opportunity to go out and socialise, gym etc because of our daughter. He has said I never want to do anything with him, be around him, but then I don't really know what he wants to do with me? I'm still just in utter shock, as although we have our faults, and I know I need to try harder, I can't believe that he has actually left. He has told me that he's felt like this for years and that a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, whilst I'm grieving terribly. I don't know what to do?

Hankunamatata · 03/10/2023 21:38

Well you have a choice. Priortise your partner or your social life. My dh has worked shifts. I gave up the gym and cycled with dd or put her in a running buggy so I could exercise while looking after her. I had nights out and paid a babysitter while dh was working so didn't impact our time together. We made sure we had at least one night together a week. We tried to make sure we talked every day on phone if we didn't see each other.

Pockettopic · 03/10/2023 21:40

I think maybe if he will listen you need to juggle things differently. He is not your babysitter. Do you want to spend time with him alone? Right now you’re in shock. But what do you want your life to be like? Can you see your friends during the day with your child rather than the evenings. Could you do more things as a couple. You definitely need to be sharing chores/bedtime etc. Can you go to the gym when he is at work ds is at school/nursery? Or set up a gym at home?

Maze76 · 03/10/2023 21:48

It sounds like you did not realise the impact your actions had on your husband.
if you want to go to the gym, arrange childcare, and perhaps schedule a girls night once a month & spend quality time with your husband the rest of the time?

It sounds like you resented your husband’s work schedule.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 03/10/2023 21:59

I just wanted to say I hope you can both sort things out. It sounds like there is love but lack of communication here...

Dibbydoos · 03/10/2023 22:03

@Glammo32 sorry but you are using any time you could be together to go out to the gym and socialise? Really? And you're surprised your DH is calling it quits?

Wow...

If you want to save your relationship, you need to put a big effort in and sustain it.

Get a baby sitter in if you have DD and can't get out or join a gym with a creche!

Your friends need to take a back seat for a while, then plan things out so tgey coincide with your DH working ie arrange a babysitter.

BlueSky2023 · 03/10/2023 22:13

Do you think he is open to the idea of working things out / having couples counselling, or has he made up his mind?

PaminaMozart · 04/10/2023 00:00

We're on page 10.
@Glammo32 has not been back since page 2...

Lostcotter · 04/10/2023 00:05

Jk987 · 03/10/2023 18:25

Hehe Mumsnet is funny! It's selfish to go out on your own once you have a partner and a child? I've heard it all now! Not even to see your friends for a drink or for an evening jog?

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Exactly, what a depressing way to think.

Most my very happily married friends with and without kids often go out alone. They have supportive husbands who also like to do things separately with their own friends .

it may blow the mind of some posters to know Some wives/mothers even do solo weekend trips…This is probably why the rate of divorce in my social circle is close to zero. They all still have a life.

I have a few who don’t go out separately because their partners refuse to watch the kids and they are the ones who seem very stressed and less happier.

Lostcotter · 04/10/2023 00:10

Universalsnail · 03/10/2023 19:35

My youngest is 5, oldest is 10. Tbh we don't have much time then the average family we just, in combination with our hobbies and the children's hobbies make ourselves very time poor. As a family we are only really all free Tuesday evenings, Saturday evenings and Sundays - and sometimes one of us will do something with a friend on a Sunday, sometimes we won't. Or sometimes one of us will go out on a Saturday night with friends, sometimes we won't. I

I appreciate my situation isn't the norm, and also if they are not making time to spend with each other at all, then that is imo the problem not her going out. Our busy schedule works for us because we do make time for each other. We make sure we are intimate atleast twice a week and we make sure that that one night a week date night where we definitely hang out and spend together (usually sat night but if one of us has plans then we'll switch it up and do Sunday night).

Alot of the replies are making out that when you are married your socialising should be with the family and you should want to spend time with your partner more then anyone else. People are telling her to exercise in the park with a 4 year old then go to the gym.. but I disagree, she should be able to go to the gym and so should he, and they should both be able to see friends each week if they want to.

I think what I am getting at really with all these long winded paragraphs 😅 is that the fact she does so much stuff isn't the problem, it's that they are not committing to making sure they definitely carve out sometime for each other around it all and for that time, even if it's once a week or twice a week or once a week and cuppas in the day or whatever is a priority to them.

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This. Exactly.

Lostcotter · 04/10/2023 00:17

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/10/2023 20:34

@TheBabylonian

It sounds to me like deep down you agree that he is correct in his assertions as to your priorities.

When do you get a social life? When your child is grown up, that is when. You sound very selfish and the sort of person that should not have had children.”

and you sound very much like a martyr!
are you genuinely saying that you can’t have a social life for years and years until your child is an adult?! How unnecessary and miserable

And these will be the same people who turn around and complain they have no friends when their child is older or they could not find a friend to help them out in an emergency or they can only discuss issues in their marriage on Mumsnet as they don’t have any mates to listen to them!

These relationships sound quite unhealthy and limiting to me, but everyone’s different I guess. The issue is however calling others selfish because they’re able to maintain a decent social life and healthy friendships.

Ffsnotaconference · 04/10/2023 05:20

It’s all about balance surely? Of course Op should be able to do things without her husband. But you also should make sure you get time together. And you should want to spend time together.

But let’s be honest, no one would be happy working shifts, doing more of housework and children care and then having a night off work and their husband always going out.

and if Op has posted that she worked shifts, did more around the house and with the kids and anytime she had a night off he went to the gym or seeing his friends and they never spent time together, no one would be saying ‘ohhh of course he should be able to not spend anytime with you.’

It’s about balance. I can’t see anywhere where the dh said he wants her to never go out.

What I don’t get is Op saying she is blindsided. She isn’t. She is just (I think) quite self involved. She knew they were happy, but expected them to stay together because she likes the set up. Another example of her being completely self involved is the ‘it’s like being a single parent’. So it’s not just the going out that makes me say that.

Op isn’t blindsided, she just expected him to carry on in the marriage whilst being unhappy. Because it suited her.

Op also hasn’t given any indication she is willing to compromise to work on the marriage. So what other outcome can there be, other than to split.

Walkaround · 04/10/2023 08:01

“I have a few who don’t go out separately because their partners refuse to watch the kids and they are the ones who seem very stressed and less happier.” Has it not crossed your mind that this is why the dh is stressed and unhappy, @Lostcotter? She describes a dh who does most of the work. She makes no mention of staying home alone herself to let him have a social life, only of doing so to enable him to earn money. As soon as he’s home, she’s off to the gym or out with friends. I would find that stressful and depressing if I were the dh. Nobody is suggesting her side of the arrangement is stressful or unhappy in any way…

Ohhbaby · 04/10/2023 08:03

They never come back if the responses isn't what they wanted to hear.. I think Op's gone..

Walkaround · 04/10/2023 08:04

A fair balance is all that was required. It was not achieved, the relationship was skewed to favour one person’s personality and interests over the other.

Loubelle70 · 04/10/2023 08:06

We have to remember that OP does most of parenting when DH at work.
You deserve time away OP, oc you do. You need time to yo yourself. What about a compromise...go out to gym but every other week go out with friends, inbetween that have an evening with DH.

Ffsnotaconference · 04/10/2023 09:01

Loubelle70 · 04/10/2023 08:06

We have to remember that OP does most of parenting when DH at work.
You deserve time away OP, oc you do. You need time to yo yourself. What about a compromise...go out to gym but every other week go out with friends, inbetween that have an evening with DH.

Except she says he does more.

Does Op says she doesn’t work?

Why are people assuming op does more, when she says he does?

They both deserve time for themselves. It’s sounds like only one is getting it.

PaintedEgg · 04/10/2023 09:40

I don't think having family means having no time to socialise

some people prefer to socialise with their partner and so they get a nanny and go

some prefer to do it individually and so they swap childcare duties

however, these two types won't have fun being together

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 04/10/2023 10:02

Ffsnotaconference · 04/10/2023 09:01

Except she says he does more.

Does Op says she doesn’t work?

Why are people assuming op does more, when she says he does?

They both deserve time for themselves. It’s sounds like only one is getting it.

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Because it’s extremely difficult to evaluate how much you do vs how much someone else does.
And ire on dived ideas are skewing things up - aka research shows that women undervalue how much they do in the house whereas men I revalue how much they do
In other words women tend to feel they don’t do a lot/enough whereas men think they are gods who do mist of the work when it does reflect reality.

Also add tte fact that a father who takes his dc to school most days is seen as amazing vs it’s normal when a mum does it etc…

Everyone is affected by those unconscious biases, which that we should, be default be careful about when a woman says her DH does more than her when we statistically know it’s very unlikely.
(plus let’s be honest, if she never has time to go the gym because she us either working or looking after their dd, she can’t be doing nothing or even less than her DH)

Loubelle70 · 04/10/2023 10:03

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 04/10/2023 10:02

Because it’s extremely difficult to evaluate how much you do vs how much someone else does.
And ire on dived ideas are skewing things up - aka research shows that women undervalue how much they do in the house whereas men I revalue how much they do
In other words women tend to feel they don’t do a lot/enough whereas men think they are gods who do mist of the work when it does reflect reality.

Also add tte fact that a father who takes his dc to school most days is seen as amazing vs it’s normal when a mum does it etc…

Everyone is affected by those unconscious biases, which that we should, be default be careful about when a woman says her DH does more than her when we statistically know it’s very unlikely.
(plus let’s be honest, if she never has time to go the gym because she us either working or looking after their dd, she can’t be doing nothing or even less than her DH)

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This

PaintedEgg · 04/10/2023 10:05

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 04/10/2023 10:02

Because it’s extremely difficult to evaluate how much you do vs how much someone else does.
And ire on dived ideas are skewing things up - aka research shows that women undervalue how much they do in the house whereas men I revalue how much they do
In other words women tend to feel they don’t do a lot/enough whereas men think they are gods who do mist of the work when it does reflect reality.

Also add tte fact that a father who takes his dc to school most days is seen as amazing vs it’s normal when a mum does it etc…

Everyone is affected by those unconscious biases, which that we should, be default be careful about when a woman says her DH does more than her when we statistically know it’s very unlikely.
(plus let’s be honest, if she never has time to go the gym because she us either working or looking after their dd, she can’t be doing nothing or even less than her DH)

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there are lazy people though, and if someone admits they don't really pull their weight then why would you question it?

Bigmoanbabyg · 04/10/2023 11:24

There was no mention of her work and it was mentioned he's good at school run. Therefore I get it's fun going to the gym with friends but going in the day when at school is surely not much to ask.

Let's be honest if he was at home doing the childcare then going out as soon as she got home from work everyone would be gunning for him.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 04/10/2023 11:30

PaintedEgg · 04/10/2023 10:05

there are lazy people though, and if someone admits they don't really pull their weight then why would you question it?

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Because women tend to undervalue how much they do??

As I explained.

PaintedEgg · 04/10/2023 11:32

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 04/10/2023 11:30

Because women tend to undervalue how much they do??

As I explained.

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while others tend to undervalue what women say

out of two "evils" I'd rather believe a woman when she talks about herself than make up a whole new story to fit the narrative I like more and just assume she is wrong about things she does...

Ffsnotaconference · 04/10/2023 11:56

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 04/10/2023 10:02

Because it’s extremely difficult to evaluate how much you do vs how much someone else does.
And ire on dived ideas are skewing things up - aka research shows that women undervalue how much they do in the house whereas men I revalue how much they do
In other words women tend to feel they don’t do a lot/enough whereas men think they are gods who do mist of the work when it does reflect reality.

Also add tte fact that a father who takes his dc to school most days is seen as amazing vs it’s normal when a mum does it etc…

Everyone is affected by those unconscious biases, which that we should, be default be careful about when a woman says her DH does more than her when we statistically know it’s very unlikely.
(plus let’s be honest, if she never has time to go the gym because she us either working or looking after their dd, she can’t be doing nothing or even less than her DH)

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But your unconscious bias is telling you that he can’t be doing more than her. Based on the fact that he is a man. We can talk about usual set ups all the time. We can discuss averages. However, looking at an individual situation you can’t guarantee it follows the average.

On an evening he is either at work or at home in charge of the kids while Op is our.

if Op doesn’t work she is getting far more down time than him. If she does work….she is still getting more downtime than him.

PeggyPoggleshaw · 04/10/2023 12:41

Ffsnotaconference · 04/10/2023 11:56

But your unconscious bias is telling you that he can’t be doing more than her. Based on the fact that he is a man. We can talk about usual set ups all the time. We can discuss averages. However, looking at an individual situation you can’t guarantee it follows the average.

On an evening he is either at work or at home in charge of the kids while Op is our.

if Op doesn’t work she is getting far more down time than him. If she does work….she is still getting more downtime than him.

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Exactly. 👏👏👏