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Original poster

Husband says we aren't what each other want anymore...

253 replies

Glammo32 · 03/10/2023 15:31

Things have been brewing for a while and yesterday we had one of those 'chats' and husband told me that I'm not what he wants/needs from a wife anymore, and he knows that he isn't want I want. In a nutshell. He basically then packed a bag and went to stay at his parents last night.

This has completely knocked me for six. Things haven't been great for a while I'll admit but I thought we were each other's forever. We've been together for 11 years, married 6 and have a DD 4. He says that I'm always out at the gym or with my friends, and that I never seem to want to be home, I don't help out around the house and that I'm like living with a teenager. I do admit I need to try harder but I'm an active & sociable person and whilst he thinks this of me, I think he has become rather boring recently. I know he wants that traditional family dynamic and I do want it too, but just not how he describes. He is not your usual man in the fact that he does a lot round the house, helps with bed times, school runs etc, probably more than me tbh. He works shift work so sometimes we go weeks without seeing each other properly, so this hasn't helped. But this means that the weeks when he is home in the evenings, this is my only opportunity to go out and socialise, gym etc because of our daughter. He has said I never want to do anything with him, be around him, but then I don't really know what he wants to do with me?

I'm still just in utter shock, as although we have our faults, and I know I need to try harder, I can't believe that he has actually left. He has told me that he's felt like this for years and that a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, whilst I'm grieving terribly. I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 03/10/2023 16:33

When you say I need to try harder, it's such a negative and passive way to be thinking about the situation. It sounds more like you want - at a push - to do a tiny bit more to ensure he stays and things stay as they are.

Maybe this breakup is actually a good thing for both of you OP.

Ohhbaby · 03/10/2023 16:34

TheMurderousGoose · 03/10/2023 16:25

Yes exactly. No communication. Just 'see ya'.

Immature attitude when there's a child involved.

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What? When it's a women it's, 'you need to leave now! "
A man' awhh how immature, there's children involved".

Spinet · 03/10/2023 16:34

HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 16:30

Her first sentence is “Things have been brewing for a while.”

The propensity of some posters to ignore the facts to blame the man is quite something.

Show quote history

'Things have been brewing for a while' is pretty vague. Plus 'it must be a shock' is not really man-hating language now is it? Then you'll notice I ask 'has he mentioned this before though?'

The propensity for some posters to shriek 'imagine if the genders were reversed' at the drop of the hat really dumbs things down around here.

PaintedEgg · 03/10/2023 16:35

There is literally nothing in OPs post that suggests she actually wants to be with him other than being shocked by his "audacity" to leave after he has, seemingly, communicated few times that she is not pulling her weight in any way in this relationship

Bigmoanbabyg · 03/10/2023 16:35

Men basically only leave for two things: enthusiastic sex (or the lack of it) and peace / no drama.

So I'd say it's first since you mention you pretty much don't see each other for weeks at a time due to you being out when he's in.

HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 16:36

TheMurderousGoose · 03/10/2023 16:32

it's not 'blaming the man' to try and get more of a picture of what went on communication wise.

Show quote history

But you didn’t, you just asserted that he’d left without discussing things, despite her explicitly making the point that it’s been an issue for a while.

TheMurderousGoose · 03/10/2023 16:36

1month · 03/10/2023 16:29

I disagree.

It sounds like he’s given OP plenty of opportunity to try and make the relationship work but she hasn’t tried (which she admits) and he’s finally had enough.

Show quote history

Does it?

to me it sounds like this is a bolt out of the blue for the OP, which doesn't indicate ongoing communication. I'm not saying he doesn't have legitimate grievances but it seems a bit teenage to bail before even trying to fix things. And no, I'm not saying that because the OP is a woman and the split has been instigated by a man.

Echobelly · 03/10/2023 16:38

I think you're in a good position to have a non acrimonious divorce and at least like he's someone who don't be a flakey deadbeat dad when it comes to custody of DD, so I'd be cooperative in separating and I hope you both can find a better future.

Vegandiva · 03/10/2023 16:38

i’m with the PPs that said there is another woman. 99.9% of the time men don’t up and leave unless that’s the case so the rest of the discussion is pointless now and best to start adjusting to the new reality. 💐

HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 16:38

TheMurderousGoose · 03/10/2023 16:36

Does it?

to me it sounds like this is a bolt out of the blue for the OP, which doesn't indicate ongoing communication. I'm not saying he doesn't have legitimate grievances but it seems a bit teenage to bail before even trying to fix things. And no, I'm not saying that because the OP is a woman and the split has been instigated by a man.

Show quote history

Again, blaming the man.

BetterWithPockets · 03/10/2023 16:39

Spinet · 03/10/2023 16:34

'Things have been brewing for a while' is pretty vague. Plus 'it must be a shock' is not really man-hating language now is it? Then you'll notice I ask 'has he mentioned this before though?'

The propensity for some posters to shriek 'imagine if the genders were reversed' at the drop of the hat really dumbs things down around here.

Show quote history

I agree that you’d hope that if either party were unhappy in a marriage, there would be conversations and heart-to-hearts before it got to the ‘I’m off’ stage. It does sound as though the OP’s husband has reached that stage without necessarily going through the other stages first — but it’s hard to tell. Sometimes people do keep things bottled up, and then just decide that’s it. (Not saying that’s sensible. But that’s definitely what my ExH did.)

PaintedEgg · 03/10/2023 16:40

why so many people think there has to be someone else involved for a man to get fed up and leave?

HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 16:41

Ohhbaby · 03/10/2023 16:34

What? When it's a women it's, 'you need to leave now! "
A man' awhh how immature, there's children involved".

Show quote history

Yes, despite the OP making it very clear that there’s been a problem for a while and confirming that his complaints sound valid.

Tontostitis · 03/10/2023 16:42

I used to work at a gym and there's a lot of people like you. Bored of their partner, using any free time they have just how they want. If you want him in your life go cap in hand, say sorry ask for a second chance. It might be that shift work and not seeing him has made you forget why you once loved each other enough to get married and have a child. It might, might be recoverable but only if you want it to be and he's open to your efforts. Ask him to please come home and then you can both work on it.

TheMurderousGoose · 03/10/2023 16:42

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GingerIsBest · 03/10/2023 16:42

I think you're taking an unnecessary beating on here. The way I read your OP, I can see possible faults on both sides.

He says that I'm always out at the gym or with my friends, and that I never seem to want to be home, I don't help out around the house and that I'm like living with a teenager.

Obviously, MPs are taking this as gospel truth but I'm not sure. When is he doing all this "helping around the house" and are you genuinely doing nothing? No cleaning, no cooking, no shopping? You're clearly doing plenty of childcare in light of the fact that he's not even there a lot of the time.

Ditto re socialising - obviously, if you're out every night, I'd agree with him. But what exactly are we talking about? So you're stuck at home for how many nights because he's working, then he's not working and you take the gap - how often/what percentage of the time he's home? Quite honestly, when DH has had weekends of working etc, then yes, I need a proper break and the moment he walks through the door I'm gone - out to see friends, to do some shopping, to the gym or even just upstairs our room with the door closed.

If you're not spending any time together, of course that's not good and you both need to take a long hard look at why not? I mean, is HE ever suggesting anything? making the effort? Coming into the room where you are to engage with you? or is it all on you?

I note that for a man who feels like he does it all, he's remarkably quick to be happy to just leave you and your DD and go to his parents.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 03/10/2023 16:43

We have no idea of the IP only gave 19% and her the other 90

It could be that their organisation was

  • dh works shifts, dc at school so he is getting plenty of me time during the week, on his own (let’s say he works Thursday to Sunday). Whereas the OP works mond to Friday and then looks after dcs at the weekend plus Thursday/Friday
  • it might look like the dh does most if the drop offs and she spends all her time away from home if she has one exercise class a week. But is it fair for her to have no time for herself at all??
  • OR they work opposite shifts, neither have any time for themselves at any point. The OP puts as much importance to having time fir herself as having time with her dh whereas her dh wants to spend all their downtime together.
They are very different scenarios where the OP might or might not be wrong in the way she approached things.

Personally I’d like to know what her dh has done to improve things apart from saying ‘you’re not at home enough’. Did he set up date nights, organise a babysitter and the IP said NO? Was he proactive in organising time together too?
Did he expect her to just change her ways and do without seeing her friends or exercising at all? Would that be right in any relationship?
Yes the OP presented things like this, beating herself for not doing things right. Ime this doesn’t mean that this is what is actually going on

TheMurderousGoose · 03/10/2023 16:43

HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 16:38

Again, blaming the man.

Show quote history

Run along, child.

vapesareforsnakes · 03/10/2023 16:44

Doesn't sound like much of a marriage. Your priorities are skewed OP. He does more housework than you and pulls his weight as a father yet you find him boring and would rather be out with your mates than fixing your marriage. Things have been brewing for a while so I am sure this has been brought up before. Sounds like he has had a bellyful and I don't blame him.

Spinet · 03/10/2023 16:46

It's not really a question of blaming the man or the woman is it. It's just that in a relationship if you communicate about what is pissing you off - be you a man or be you a woman - the outcome tends to be better than if you just lose your rag and fuck off to your parents house.

Inkpotlover · 03/10/2023 16:46

When you say it's been brewing for a while @Glammo32, do you mean he's tried to tell you how unhappy he's been but nothing changed? I can see both sides to some extent. When he's working evening shifts, you must feel like a lone parent and therefore want some time to yourself. But if you never stay in together or do anything as a couple, I can see why he's upset.

His comment about the weight lifting makes it sound as though he's done. And that might be for the best. Because for your marriage to work, you'll have to do a 180 on your needs and that's not healthy either.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 03/10/2023 16:46

I note that for a man who feels like he does it all, he's remarkably quick to be happy to just leave you and your DD and go to his parents.

👏👏👏**
Statistically it would be extremely unusual that he does it all and the OP is never at home. That’s what he says (or how it feels to him) But baby studies have shown that women under evaluate how much they do and men over evaluate what they do.

BigFatLiar · 03/10/2023 16:46

Echobelly · 03/10/2023 16:38

I think you're in a good position to have a non acrimonious divorce and at least like he's someone who don't be a flakey deadbeat dad when it comes to custody of DD, so I'd be cooperative in separating and I hope you both can find a better future.

I don't help out around the house and that I'm like living with a teenager. I do admit I need to try harder but I'm an active & sociable person

Could be she's going to be the deadbeat mum.

He has said I never want to do anything with him, be around him, but then I don't really know what he wants to do with me?

Sit and watch a film some evening eating popcorn? Take the kids out together? Do you remember what he actually enjoyed doing? Sounds like he's a home and family person so do some family things.

OhmygodDont · 03/10/2023 16:46

I mean if that if op wasn’t as bad as her partner made her sounds normally they would be at pains to make sure we knew that in the opening post

IM always out—— I’m not it’s just out of his four evenings I’m out once and he doesn’t want me out at all

I don’t help out——- but I do 80% of the housework and childcare

Im like a teenager—- but I do all the mental load and all the chores and childcare. I go out once or twice a month when he is home and maybe the gym the same

but she didn’t counter any of his points really.

HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 16:48

This reply has been deleted

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Insulting posters as frequently as you do is hardly the response of someone mature.

You seem to be taking out personal issues on others here.