Husband says we aren't what each other want anymore...

[Glammo32]

Things have been brewing for a while and yesterday we had one of those 'chats' and husband told me that I'm not what he wants/needs from a wife anymore, and he knows that he isn't want I want. In a nutshell. He basically then packed a bag and went to stay at his parents last night.

This has completely knocked me for six. Things haven't been great for a while I'll admit but I thought we were each other's forever. We've been together for 11 years, married 6 and have a DD 4. He says that I'm always out at the gym or with my friends, and that I never seem to want to be home, I don't help out around the house and that I'm like living with a teenager. I do admit I need to try harder but I'm an active & sociable person and whilst he thinks this of me, I think he has become rather boring recently. I know he wants that traditional family dynamic and I do want it too, but just not how he describes. He is not your usual man in the fact that he does a lot round the house, helps with bed times, school runs etc, probably more than me tbh. He works shift work so sometimes we go weeks without seeing each other properly, so this hasn't helped. But this means that the weeks when he is home in the evenings, this is my only opportunity to go out and socialise, gym etc because of our daughter. He has said I never want to do anything with him, be around him, but then I don't really know what he wants to do with me?

I'm still just in utter shock, as although we have our faults, and I know I need to try harder, I can't believe that he has actually left. He has told me that he's felt like this for years and that a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, whilst I'm grieving terribly. I don't know what to do?

@Glammo32

You've given us your husbands version of your life together but we'd like to here yours.

What he's said is interesting as it's sounds like someone has been putting words into his mouth.

Is there a female family member or friend who doesn't like you and gives their unsolicited advice?

If I barely see my husband due to work commitments, the last things I'd do is socialise with friends and go to the gym when he's at home.

Marriage needs to be worked at . It's not a tit for tat babysitting relay race.

Do you think he would be willing to come back and work on the issues in the marriage? These don’t seem irrecoverable at all if both parties are willing to work on solutions. Has he ever raised these concerns with you before? If not, it’s very poor to just walk out.

So let’s understand the shift work. So if hes on lates then he’s doing the morning childcare while you are working full time and you are doing the childcare in the evening? Or does he get the mornings off to relax while DD in childcare?

on weeks when he’s on earlys your both working during the day and then both at home in the evenings. Do you have some nights together then? I think it’s not clear how often you are out from your OP. Are you at the gym 2x every 2 weeks? And out with friends once every 2 weeks? And how many nights together as a couple?

I agree. And instead of moaning about her going out with friends, he could have organised things for them to do together. This breakdown is on both of them.

I think we, as 2 grown women, should be able to disagree without you calling me an immature little chump..

That’s a bit of a reach.

Perhaps he just wants to spend time with his DW or as a family, like most people do.

I would imagine because he didn’t want to feel like he had to nag/beg his wife to spend time with him occasionally, and instead hoped she’d want that herself without having to be told?

I would say there's another woman, one that has been a sympathetic ear to his problems with you and your ( reasonable imo ) social life.
She's probably sold herself as a regular Mother Theresa and is as boring as him.
Let him go and enjoy your 50/50, find someone who respects that you need time to yourself.

Did you read a different post to everyone else?

He’s working shifts, doing the lions share of the housework and childcare, gets one night off a week and every time his wife is either at the gym or out with friends.

Where’s his time to himself? Where’s his time with his wife?

I think you’re unfairly getting a really hard time OP. I go to the gym more than you and I have 2 kids and still see my DH on those nights before/after the gym (I mean jeez how long do they think you’re lifting weights for?!) but I don’t think we have enough information in your OP. I also agree with PP about the way he worded it being unusually. Does it sound normal to you? The way it’s worded?

Your spouse is the person you should want to spend time with more than anyone else. So if you don't feel that way, there's a problem. Not saying that no one should ever get to see friends or go to the gym but if he's coming home from work and you'd routinely prefer to be elsewhere, then the relationship is dead in the water.
I know I'd be gutted if I came home from work and my dh wanted to go out without me regularly.
This might be a blessing in disguise - not all relationships are meant to last forever. Think about what you really want - once the shock wears off, you might feel this is best all round.

If not and you both want to give it another go, csn he work a normal office hours job? And you get childcare and socialise together more frequently. Something has to change.

I don’t mean to be brutal but it sounds like you’ve put your Friday nights with mates before your marriage. When you say ‘when else am I going to see my friends? Er, you don’t, well not as much as you used to anyway.

Before children I had a great social life, stayed in shape etc, but I rarely have big nights out anymore at all. Something HAS to give when you have children, for me it was my social life, nights dancing in cocktail bars became meeting friends and their husbands and kids in the park, is it my dream way to socialise? Of course not, I’d love to go out on the piss like I used to, but it’s kinda what you signed up to with marriage and young children.

By “things have been brewing” you suggest this wasn’t the first time he’s told you he’s unhappy and that you’re not pulling your weight. You’ve had chances to step up, to invest in your marriage and to be less selfish but you assumed he’d tolerate crumbs “forever” and you could carry on as you were indefinitely.

He’s reached breaking point and he’s walked out. Fair enough because it seems to have taken that for you to listen to him.

Now what are you going to do?

But surely there is a balance? Where you have a social life but you also carve out time and spend it together?

If hevcan’t raise what is clearly a serious issue to them wo it being ‘nagging’ then it’s all on him sorry. He needs to grow up and start communicating like an adult.
The OP isn’t a mind reader. And she might want to
pit her side of the story too.

If things have been brewing for a while then she clearly knows and doesn't need to be a mind reader. Possibly, she's glossed over some of their previous discussions or underestimated how serious he was.

He hasn't abandoned his family though, like done posts seem to suggest - he's gone to his mum and dad's for a night, which isn't the same thing. Although it's not wise imo to bring one's parents into a marriage dispute - they have long memories even if the couple get over their problems.

I think you're getting a hard time here, I agree you'll be happier apart but you're being blamed for not being A Good Wife, as defined by him but not actually verbalised by him... Did he ever suggest getting a babysitter and going out? Did he ''shame'' you for going out while always staying in? Did he have no friends himself? My x was like this and it was torture.

there is nothing wrong in itself - assuming both parties in a relationship have the same attitude

if one person is super social and prefers spending time at home with their partner, and the other is super outgoing and prefers time with friends then they are simply not compatible

It's not what I signed up for!
You don't need to give up nights dancing in a cocktail bars to be a good mum or wife.

You reap what you sow OP. You didn’t tend to this relationship and now it has withered and died. What did you expect? You sound selfish.

Well, he’s not wrong, is he? You’ve not been happy for a good while. I’m more surprised that you’re surprised - surely you could see the writing on the wall?

Just like those threads where posters want their husbands to treat them like princesses on their birthdays but never tell them so? Not how grown up relationships work.

When you say it's been brewing for a while has he told you all of this before and nothing changed?
Or have you just not been getting on for a while, he said nothing about these issues and then left yesterday?

Different people have different views of what a good family life looks like. Some are happy hunkering down to no life outside kids and partner. For others this would be hell, and they need connection with the wider world. I can completely understand why you need to get out after being at home with your daughter for so long

I also understand how you partner feels if he looks forward to family evenings and you aren’t there.

You have different ideas of what family looks like and want different things from life. You haven’t been able to reach a compromise on this so let him go.

Sounds like there's a lot going on here that you don't know about yet. Most people in a normal relationship don't launch out about all their problems at once (after "years") then leave. I wonder if you'll find out that there's another woman on the horizon. Would be classic to blame you for doing fairly normal things (like exercising and going out occasionally) to deflect.

Obviously I might be completely wrong and he might just be really really fed up with the dynamic.